Passive aggressive colleague

LegacyUser · 15-10-2019 10:38pm #1

I was wondering if anyone has any tips for dealing with a passive aggressive colleague?

I work with a woman who is a lot older than me, and in the job many years. Although I'm younger and relatively new to the role, I am qualified, experienced and good at my job. She tends to speak to me in a very condescending tone, and puts me down in a very subtle and passive aggressive way.

When I say something she wouldn't have expected me to know she loudly says "Very gooood!", as if I'm a child. She once told me it was going to take her an hour to get home. I wasn't familiar with the area she lives in and said "Oh really, that long?" And she replied "Yes.... there's this thing called traffic on the road?" I have seen her rolling her eyes when I'm speaking with colleagues about my professional opinion on something. She's also made comments about my age, and how I'm "just a young one". The slightest mistake I make seems to be a big deal to the point I'm nervous having to work with her.

I'm an easy going person and I've always been nice to her, I don't feel I deserve this. I'm starting to get really annoyed about the situation. Leaving work after being on shift with her I am always in a bad mood. Initially I thought the solution was to just ignore the comments and leave her to it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I am not overly gone on the idea of confronting her though, as her behaviour is so subtle. Just to mention that due to the nature of my job, when we work together it's only the two of us, so I can't just walk away from her.

I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this?

Mr. Incognito · 16-10-2019 9:51am

She's a bully.

You have two options.

1. Stand up to her. Ask her if you can speak to her in private and tell her what you have written. I would start along the lines of- do you have a problem with me personally or professionally. If it cannot be resolved directly.

2. Escalate it to HR

No one should have to work in a toxic environment and looking the other way will do you psychological damage in the long run.

If you stand up to her she will likely move on to someone else. These toxic bags always take the path of least resistence.

Bigbagofcans · 16-10-2019 1:20pm

That's awful, OP. You shouldn't have to put up with this. She sounds like a jealous hateful person who is projecting her own self-hatred onto you.

I definitely agree with Mr. Incognito's advice. Best of luck.

De Danann · 16-10-2019 1:31pm

Workplaceissues wrote: »

I was wondering if anyone has any tips for dealing with a passive aggressive colleague?

I work with a woman who is a lot older than me, and in the job many years. Although I'm younger and relatively new to the role, I am qualified, experienced and good at my job. She tends to speak to me in a very condescending tone, and puts me down in a very subtle and passive aggressive way.

When I say something she wouldn't have expected me to know she loudly says "Very gooood!", as if I'm a child. She once told me it was going to take her an hour to get home. I wasn't familiar with the area she lives in and said "Oh really, that long?" And she replied "Yes.... there's this thing called traffic on the road?" I have seen her rolling her eyes when I'm speaking with colleagues about my professional opinion on something. She's also made comments about my age, and how I'm "just a young one". The slightest mistake I make seems to be a big deal to the point I'm nervous having to work with her.

I'm an easy going person and I've always been nice to her, I don't feel I deserve this. I'm starting to get really annoyed about the situation. Leaving work after being on shift with her I am always in a bad mood. Initially I thought the solution was to just ignore the comments and leave her to it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I am not overly gone on the idea of confronting her though, as her behaviour is so subtle. Just to mention that due to the nature of my job, when we work together it's only the two of us, so I can't just walk away from her.

I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this?

I would ask to speak to her privately and tell her you feel she doesn't speak to you like another professional adult should.

It would probably be best to pull her aside rather after she makes one of her 'you're only a young one' comments and just tell her you don't appreciate her talking down to you like that.

I work in a situation where I'm the youngest person in the building but in one of the most senior positions and I had this same issue with a few older staff members who were reporting to me. You need to nip this in the bud OP, this woman is being ageist against you (it works both ways, not just against older people) and she will continue this behaviour until you make her acutely aware that it's not appropriate.

Also, she might not even realise how much it bothers you so discussing it with her can be an education for you both.

antix80 · 16-10-2019 4:21pm

Workplaceissues wrote: »

I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this?

She has her little corner and god help anyone she views as a threat. I don't want to generalise .. so I won't.

If you decide to move to another area at work, particularly a horizontal move (as opposed to a promotion), she'll probably sing your praises to get you out of her way. That would be my advice if at all possible.. you will expend more energy tiptoeing around this woman than just admitting you won't beat her at her own game so don't play it. You mentioned shifts.. if your manager is sympathetic you could ask to be rostered on a different shift, or maybe try to move to a different area in the company.

banoffe2 · 16-10-2019 10:34pm

Hi OP, you professionalism, personality and skills are a threat to this persons insecurity

However that doesn't make it easier for you. I also work in an environment with a few people like that, I know going to HR would be a waste of time as these people are there a long time and are not going to change, they can sweet talk management and HR and make you look like its you who has the problem, they are manipulative.

I do my utmost not to allow them to get to me, and not give them the power, sometimes I would have a rant with a trusted colleague about them!

If you love your job, try to keep the focus on yourself, and keep smiling, there are upstarts like that in every company. Best of luck to you and remember its the other person who has the problem.

Bob Harris · 17-10-2019 7:50am

If they make a comment like the one about the traffic...'enjoy it so'
If they call you a young one 'tell them it's great to be young'.

There is a person where I work who is like this only without being passive about it and almost always about the most petty of issues.

To give an example from yesterday on an order I wrote the client name which is 3 initials, let's day ABC and the client number. He came all the way into the office to ask me what the last letter was in his usual aggressive manner. I told him a C and that the client number is there to avoid any confusion. 'that's a C..a C?' He knew well it was a C and who the client was but wanted to have a little barney. 'it is a C' I said 'for everyone except you - either you don't want to see it or you can't read' That's when you turn away and get on with what you're doing.

Do the same with the woman in the office. When they don't get away with it and see you don't accept their bull they change their tune.

Hector Savage · 17-10-2019 10:37am

She sounds like a right c*nt OP, - she obviously sees you as a threat, so you should take it as a compliment.

But yeah, I would have it out with her - professionally, rehearse it, don't get emotional.

Keyzer · 17-10-2019 11:53am

I'm not saying this is the right way to deal with this issue but, if it were me, I'd ask her for a private word and put it to her. Ask her what her problem is, you don't appreciate being spoken to like that, give her examples and tell her she better cut it out.

Put it back to this bitch - she'll probably crap her pants.

My mother always said, you have to give permission for someone to walk all over you.

ILoveYourVibes · 17-10-2019 3:23pm

I am really sorry OP. Can you avoid her?

Bob Harris · 17-10-2019 3:49pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am really sorry OP. Can you avoid her?

You must have missed this bit...

"Just to mention that due to the nature of my job, when we work together it's only the two of us, so I can't just walk away from her"

ILoveYourVibes · 17-10-2019 4:08pm

Bob Harris wrote: »

You must have missed this bit...

"Just to mention that due to the nature of my job, when we work together it's only the two of us, so I can't just walk away from her"

ah sorry i did miss this bit.

Well just know this op. You aren't how she sees you. It just shows she has warped perceptions of people and isn't in touch with reality. That is the type of person who comes up with wild ideas about people and starts rumors etc. She believes her illusions and is obviously someone who lacks patience and is easily triggered. Imagined micro aggressions etc to provoke her 'rolling eyes'.

This person isn't in touch with reality. She's not grounded.

On balance you have to expect some reaction from her to your mistakes. But it has to be a reasonable reaction to the mistake.

She can't change what she doesn't acknowledge.

I mean if you were REALLY as dumb as she makes out ..what would that look like?

Maybe if you could point out the disparity between what she sees and who you really are it would help.

Bob Harris · 17-10-2019 4:14pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

ah sorry i did miss this bit.

Well just know this op. You aren't how she sees you. It just shows she has warped perceptions of people and isn't in touch with reality. That is the type of person who comes up with wild ideas about people and starts rumors etc. She believes her illusions and is obviously someone who lacks patience and is easily triggered. Imagined micro aggressions etc to provoke her 'rolling eyes'.

This person isn't in touch with reality. She's not grounded.

Or maybe she's just an aul bitch.

ILoveYourVibes · 17-10-2019 4:31pm

Bob Harris wrote: »

Or maybe she's just an aul bitch.

Well yes. I actually didn't want to put it like that. But erm ...ah ha yes.:o

But i suppose everyone has a journey to becoming what they are. You don't know what is going on in people's lives.

But still this should never have been the op's problem.

It will bite her back though. Its also a bad personality trait to develop or nurture in yourself. It ruins connections with people.

Passive aggressive colleague

Comments