should I have said nothing

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 2:21pm #1

ive a really good friend and i try to be as supportive as i can but he has had alot of tragedy in his life and has been talking about suicide and how there is no point going on, i lost my best friend to suicide and im not qualified to give professional advice so i called his doctor, who then called him and asked him to come in for an appointment and a chat about his mental health, he lost it and said who told him so the doctor called me back and said was it ok if he said it was me, i know in my heart he wont forgive me but after experiencing a suicide, i cant go through it again and i only wanted to help but it looks like its blown up in my face, was i wrong to have said something>

Another day · 09-10-2019 7:39pm

No you were not wrong. You have done a good thing and hopefully in time your friend will realise that. Suicide solves nothing, it leaves others with a world of pain.

Could you meet your friend and tell them 'yes it was me, I care about you and don't want to lose another person I care about...'

wiggle16 · 09-10-2019 7:59pm

People can have differing opinions on this but I don't think you did anything wrong. It's easy to say that there are different ways to approach this but if you really think a person is a risk to themselves it's wrong to tiptoe around it. At the end of the day, you were acting out of concern for him.

I do think you should bite the bullet and either allow the doctor to say it was you, or better yet tell your friend yourself. Either way, he does need to know what prompted this.

One of my best friends attempted suicide a couple of years ago - it is very hard to know what to do. On the one hand you know that you can't do nothing, but also know that you run the risk of losing their trust in you if you try to interfere. People may desperately want help but be deeply ashamed of needing it and having to acknowledge their vulnerability - even though reaching out and asking for help is the complete opposite of weakness. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you're in trouble.

A big part of why he is flipping the lid is that he may feel that it has been taken out of his hands and he's being forced to confront this now that he "let it slip". To a great extent, those feelings are valid. You need to keep this in mind when you consider how to deal with the situation.

I would bite the bullet, approach him and tell him that you contacted his GP. Explain how concerned you are, that you didn't know what else to do but you felt you couldn't just ignore it - and that you couldn't reasonably be expected to, though you might have gone about it differently in hindsight. Offer to accompany him to the GP or another support/service. Let him vent; if he has a go at you, bite your tongue and hear him out.

One thing I would not do, OP, is bring up your experience of having had a friend die by suicide in relation to this situation. I know it played a big part in what you felt and why you did what you did, but if you focus on this when you are talking to him, it will seem to him that you are making this situation about you, about your own pain rather than his. And it might sound callous, but while you suffered a terrible loss, it's not relevant to his situation.

I would focus less on whether or not you were right or wrong to approach his GP, and more on what he needs to do to help himself, and how you can support him.

Make sure you mind yourself too OP x

Augme · 09-10-2019 8:19pm

Just tell the GP not to tell him it was you. Seems like problem solved to me.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 9:46pm

The doctor called me and was really upset and felt it was someone acting out of badness so under his duty of care he had to disclose it was me and to be honest i wanted to help, thats all i wanted to do

qwerty13 · 10-10-2019 2:30am

I don’t understand your last post, a doctor felt you’d acted out of badness? Why on Earth was this?

Sad as it is, you can’t prevent your friend from dying by suicide. Nor can you ‘save’ him from doing so. I doubt that you are qualified to offer real help - what I mean by this is that unless you are qualified to do so, you don’t really know the impact of the words you say. I think you should try to encourage him to go for counselling, talk to the Samaritans (free service), or Pieta (limited service, in my incomplete knowledge).

Do not take this on by yourself. You don’t know if you’re saying the right thing to him, and I know through personal experience that it can be so utterly crushing to deal with that you can feel at breaking point yourself. There definitely comes a time when, with the absolute kindest will in the world, it is better left to the professionals.

I hope things work out for you and your friend.

joeguevara · 10-10-2019 3:27am

If you hadn't said anything and the worst happened you would always feel that you could have done more.

You mightn't know it but what you did took courage. Your friend might never forgive you buy that's their journey. Be proud that you did what most wouldn't. A lot of people would have distanced themselves. You are one of the good ones.

Now don't feel bad if your friend feels betrayed or is negative towards you. Maybe I'm time they will see you saved their life. Or maybe you won't be in each other's lives. But you did the right thing.

Danonino. · 10-10-2019 3:49am

In my opinion you did the right thing and your friend will understand in time, even if initially angry/hurt, I think it’s easy to see what you did was from a place of kindness and friendship not as an act of betrayal or drama etc.

Also I think by telling his GP (with patient/doctor confidentiality and the like) even who you told was a good choice. You don’t have the issues that telling others friends/family etc etc would possibly have caused.

Hope all works out

LegacyUser · 10-10-2019 7:29am

My english can be questionable! I meant to say the doctor called me back to say they spoke to my friend who was very upset that someone called his doctor without his knowledge and wanted to know who it was. so to prevent further upset on my friends part so i said he could tell him it was me. I got a ton of abuse from my friend last night and said he will never trust me again and our friendship is over

Xterminator · 10-10-2019 11:43am

Hi OP

the situation is unfortunate. peoples opinions differ on what was the right and wrong thing to do.

What I would have done is try to get my fried to go to A&E with me if i felt he was in imminent danger, IE if he was forming plans of how to commit suicide, "Suicidal ideation". if he wouldn't go, wouldn't call Pieta House, or his GP and refused to get help then i would try to stay with them. If that failed i would consider informing someone, like you did.

But it would be a last resort.

If he was just saying he has fleeting thoughts about suicide or self harm, but not making plans to actually commit suicide i would advise them to seek help from GP/Pieta House etc. and tried to help. I would not have betrayed their confidence in that scenario, because then they will not feel they can talk openly about their problems - and bottling up the feelings is a timebomb.

read these links
https://www.pieta.ie/help-someone-whos-suicidal
https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/mental-health-services/nosp/suicidepreventionie/supporting/

should I have said nothing

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