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22-12-2011, 12:31   #1
aknitter
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Mother - in - Law did not include baby

Could use a bit of help on this one!!
My mother in law who has not spoken to my husband, our 13 year old daughter or me since our wedding in 2010 has today sent our daughter (her granddaughter( (biological)) a card with €50 in it and nothing for our 8 month old son. She did not send us or him anything when he was born, contact us throughout the pregnancy or for his christening.
I want to send it back with a polite note saying thanks but the gift won't be accepted if she cuts our son. Actually my daughter will write the note and return it herself.
Other half wants us to keep the money and burn the card.
Any advise?

Last edited by Orion; 22-12-2011 at 14:20. Reason: removed abbreviations
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22-12-2011, 16:44   #2
Noopti
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I personally wouldn't have my 13 year old daughter write the card back, don't see why she should be involved in this.

I would simply return the card and money back, and say nothing.
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22-12-2011, 16:48   #3
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What does your 13 year old think about this? And if you dont mind saying, what is the reason behind this cut off?
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22-12-2011, 16:49   #4
Daisy M
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Please do not involve your daughter it would be really unfair. Your baby doesnt know the difference and while it is horrible not to include him it wont hurt his feelings. I think your husband should be the one to have the final decision it is his mother. Time has a great ability to heal lots of wounds, this may be your mother in law way of trying to start contact.

Last edited by January; 23-12-2011 at 22:57. Reason: editing abbreviations
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22-12-2011, 16:49   #5
CarMe
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I wouldn't involve your daughter but I'd certainly return the card and money.
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22-12-2011, 16:51   #6
Nuttzz
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Whats your 8 month old going to do with €50??

Seriously though perhaps its a first step towards wanting to reconcile?
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22-12-2011, 16:53   #7
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Send back a thank you card explaining you divided the money evenly and put it into savings for both of your children as this would be fairer than one getting all and the other nothing..
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22-12-2011, 16:55   #8
Tazium
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Is she making an effort to resolve things through this gesture? She hasn't spoken to any of you, but have any of you make an effort to speak to her? Does she know about the new baby?

Why not pick up the phone, have your daughter say thanks to her grandmother for the gift and ask her if it's ok to split it with her new brother? (rubs it in, in that irritating kind of way)

I'm not advocating the 'niceness' of Christmas spirit or forgiveness etc etc. But sending anything after such a lengthy spell of nothing is some progress right?

Have a happy Christmas anyway, and don't let whatever you decide affect your own happiness with your children.
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22-12-2011, 17:01   #9
Gareth2011
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The heading to this thread is very misleading. I had visions of the mother-in-law actually cutting the baby.
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22-12-2011, 17:28   #10
Moonbeam
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aknitter - I changed the thread title to be a bit less misleading.
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22-12-2011, 17:46   #11
Ophiopogon
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I grew up in something kind of similar. My sister stood up for me when she was 14 , she did not want anyone rejecting/ignoring her little sister(me) and she felt she had the right to be involved even at her young age.

If it were me I would send it back, with a (polite) note stating that both children are to be recognised or there will be no realionship. It would be best (from my own experience) that the line is clearly stated, as in there could be direct and constant contact with both children or no contact at all. The odd xmas card(agian from my own experience) is haflhearted even to a child.

On whether to involve your daughter, If she wants to be involved than I would let her. Although I would still write the note yourself and if the situation arises she could speak herself to her grandmother about it.
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22-12-2011, 17:53   #12
daltonmd
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aknitter View Post
Could use a bit of help on this one!!
My mother in law who has not spoken to my husband, our 13 year old daughter or me since our wedding in 2010 has today sent our daughter (her granddaughter( (biological)) a card with €50 in it and nothing for our 8 month old son. She did not send us or him anything when he was born, contact us throughout the pregnancy or for his christening.
I want to send it back with a polite note saying thanks but the gift won't be accepted if she cuts our son. Actually my daughter will write the note and return it herself.
Other half wants us to keep the money and burn the card.
Any advise?
Very difficult situation.

My advice, send back the card and the money with a polite letter. Explain to your mother in law that you are a complete family unit and wish to be treated and respected in such a way. Tell her you have no problem with her seeing or speaking to yourself, your hubby and your children but would prefer if she did not try, after ignoring your 13 year old for over a year, to isolate her and cause her confusion in her formative years.
You could say that you are trying to set a good example and appreciate the token, but contact and a good relationship between you all is what is important.
While you do not want to involve your daughter, she should not have isolated her in such a way and you are not wrong in wanting to protect her from this feud.Either your mother in law respects your whole family unit or simply stays away.

Last edited by January; 23-12-2011 at 23:00. Reason: editing abbreviations
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23-12-2011, 16:39   #13
aknitter
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Thanks a lot, won't involve our daughter at all, but she is really annoyed and wants to get stuck in her self! She loves her brother and won't stand for this - though I know she wants to keep the money.
Its not the money thats the problem at all, its that she sent a gift to one and not the other.
This is in no way an opportunity to reconcile, his birth would have been the perfect place for this and I really tought she'd come around - of her own 2 children it was always "Her boy" who was the favourite so I thought her boys boy would be too much of a draw. But not to be.
As for why she's not talking to us - thats a long story but it came to a head on our wedding day when she refused to sit at the top table with us and instead sat at another table with her back to us the whole time. My husband was furious and said no more contact unless she called us, which she hasn't
Sorry for the misleading title I was in a rush and peed off!!
I have decided to wait until the next post after christmas and if there is nothing for the baby I will return the card & money with a polite note saying thanks but we will not accept the gift if she is not going to recogise the baby.
I hope it puts her in her place andgets the point accross, she treats my sister in law and her kids as she pleases (you would think I was making it up!) but she's dealing with me now.

Last edited by January; 23-12-2011 at 22:55. Reason: please do not use abbreviations such as DH
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23-12-2011, 16:43   #14
SillyMcCarthy
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Originally Posted by Nuttzz View Post
Whats your 8 month old going to do with €50??

Seriously though perhaps its a first step towards wanting to reconcile?
I would agree with the above.

You don't say why though the Mother in Law wasn't talking?
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23-12-2011, 18:20   #15
crazy cat lady
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Life is so short and family is such a precious thing. I don't know all the inns and outs as to why your mother in law and your husband don't speak, but maybe now is the time to let bygones be bygones and put the past behind you.

I can't imagine a day when my daughter wont speak to me. If that day ever comes, it will be a very sad one, and I like to think that either one or both of us woul dbe grown up enough to want to reconcile.

How much effort have you or your husband made to make contact with your mother in law? Did you let her know about the arrival of your son? Maybe excluding him is her way of makng a point of saying 'well you didnt tell me, how would I know!'. Thats not to say that she doesn't want a part in her grandsons life, she's just waiting to be invited.

Instead of focussing on the card, look at the bigger picture. Your mother in law has made an effort, even if its not the one you wanted. I assume its still more of an effort than you or your husband have made? Do you want a relationship with the woman? If so make it happen. A telephone call to say thank you and Merry Christmas is the perfect opportunity.

Life really is too short for regrets. This could be one regret you could avoid.

Hope this helps and Merry Christmas

Last edited by January; 23-12-2011 at 22:56. Reason: editing abbreviations
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