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How can I find someone who doesn't want to be found?

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  • 17-05-2009 3:34am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My daughter has decided that she wants to meet her father, it's important to her to do so, especially now for reasons I won't go in to.

    The problem is, I haven't seen him in over 10yrs, all I know is that soon after we broke up, he moved down south. I've tried internet searches, searching for phone numbers, tried contacting his family(they just ignored me).

    Any ideas?


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    #2
    StopNotWorking
    Registered Users Posts: 645 ✭✭✭StopNotWorking


    Lay a truly devious trap. One so dastardly and overplanned that it would never fail!

    Or just keep trying his family, I'm sure if you tell them why you need his information they would oblige.. not like your looking to steal benefits off him or anything..


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Definitely not looking for anything from him, I know better than that ;)

    She's well cared for and provided for by her adopted daddy, she's always known she had another dad and thankfully I didn't tell her why we broke up or what a **** he was, just that it wasn't about her & that we were both very young when she was born.

    I'll try the family again, but I've no idea what he told them when he walked away. What ever it was, the result is a deafening lack of response from them.


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    #4
    sitout
    Closed Accounts Posts: 423 ✭✭sitout


    StopNotWorking wrote: »
    Lay a truly devious trap. One so dastardly and overplanned that it would never fail!

    Hardly good advice!


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    #5
    AlanSparrowhawk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 485 ✭✭AlanSparrowhawk


    Just speaking off the top of my head but it may be possible to get the Gardai involved because surely there is some kind of child support/maintainace issue?


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    #6
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    You get some detective agencies who also are debt collectors who do this stuff cheaply -sometimes a couple of hundred euro.

    The dept of social welfare can sometimes help.


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    #7
    mikemac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,986 ✭✭✭✭mikemac


    Does he own a business? www.cro.ie

    There are detective agencies, usually run by retired garda. Will cost a bit but they could get this info pretty quickly.

    Or get Dog, Bounty Hunter after him :D
    http://www.dogthebountyhunter.com/

    Big show on American networks, you wouldn't want him on your ass


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    #8
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    AlanSparrowhawk wrote: »
    Just speaking off the top of my head but it may be possible to get the Gardai involved because surely there is some kind of child support/maintainace issue?

    The break up must have been bad if his family wont help.

    The gardai will only investigate a crime.


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    #9
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    I respect you not wanting to go into why its important for your daughter to meet her father but unless its something short of needing a bone marrow transplant i wouldnt bother. You could end up spending alot of time and money with false leads and hopes and even if you did find him he still wouldnt want to meet her.


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    #10
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    So you wanna go to alot of trouble to find this guy for your daughter when he might well just tell her to FO anyway? I'm guessing she's young too so why would you even contemplate putting her through that?

    Hmmm. Something doesn't sound right here tbh. I know if it was me in the situation and she had a "dad" already then I wouldn't bother.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You're probably right. I should just tell her I tried and failed and let her get on with her life as it is.

    She's a very deep thinker for her years and she's looking for someone to identify with. It's more an emotional need than a physical need if you know what I mean? We were always open with her because we didn't want her to find out later and resent us for keeping it from her, but I think that's bitten us in the ass anyway, because she feels like there's something missing, that she's different, even though she's always been treated the same as our other children.

    CDfm, the break up wasn't all that bad to be honest. It was just sudden.


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    #12
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Well when fathers loose contact with kids they grieve for them. So maybe thats a process he or his family dont want to repeat.

    Who knows he may have a new life and family now.

    Ultimately she will make contact so ethically your responsibility is to her.Why dont you try via a mediator such as a mutual friend or even a local priest.

    What you do is up to you but you should be honest about it.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    That's a possibility alright, I suppose if he does have someone in his life, they may not even know about DD.

    I highly doubt he told his family that I left him because he was cheating, or that he chose to lose contact to save himself £30 a week maintenance. I know I didn't tell mine!

    The more I think about it, he doesn't really deserve the effort, but she does.

    I think I'll just tell her I couldn't find him, and deal with it in a few years when she turns 18.


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    #14
    Nervous Wreck
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,115 ✭✭✭✭Nervous Wreck


    Y'know what, everyone has a Facebook these days. Try there first. Sounds silly but worth a shot. I presume you've already tried the phonebook etc...


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    #15
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Unregistered wrote: »
    That's a possibility alright, I suppose if he does have someone in his life, they may not even know about DD.

    I highly doubt he told his family that I left him because he was cheating, or that he chose to lose contact to save himself £30 a week maintenance. I know I didn't tell mine!

    The more I think about it, he doesn't really deserve the effort, but she does.

    I think I'll just tell her I couldn't find him, and deal with it in a few years when she turns 18.

    That may very well be the case.

    If you are not enforcing the maintenance order there should be no worries.

    I suppose if you did tell his family the reason for the split and perhaps arrange some form of contact with his parents/siblings at least you are taking the spirit of what she wants.

    Its up to his family whether they accept what you say and put them in touch with one another.

    It cant hurt you it being in the past.


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