Irish Jokes

Murphy says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin' the wife. The whole street was watchin' an' laffin' yesterday. Paddy responds, "Well, the joke's on them...I wasn't even home yesterday!"



Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.

He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

Easy, says the priest. Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out grab them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.

He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"

A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled:
"Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi......
Darn! There goes another one!"



Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.
St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'
Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up. 'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.'
Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question. 'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.
'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.

Murphy had asked Casey for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.

'And can you support a family?' asked Casey.

'I think so,' replied Murphy.

'Well. There's six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.

Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.

The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.

However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.

'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'

I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world, moaned Betty McGrath.
I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.



A Corkman was charged with murder but was acquitted by the skin of his teeth. Afterwards he told his lawyer that he could prove he was innocent because he was in jail at the time the crime was committed.
'Why on earth didn't you tell that to the court?' asked his lawyer.
'I thought that it might prejudice the jury against me', said the Corkman.



'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'

'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?'

'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all.

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other,

"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"

Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...
it was neither of us."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happenedto you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"Thatlittle guy, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

A Corkman and a Kerryman were boasting about the advanced technology that had been used by their respective ancestors. 'During a recent excavation of an ancient Cork castle', said the Corkman, 'miles of cable were discovered, proving that Corkmen were Using the telegraph hundreds of years ago'. 'That's nothing', said the Kerryman, 'underneath an ancient Kerry castle they found no cable at all, proving that Kerrymen were communicating with each other by radio, when Corkmen were still using the telegraph'.




One Kerryman met another carrying a bag on his back.
'What's in the bag?' asked the first Kerryman.
'I won't tell you', said the second.
'Go on, do'.
'All right then, it's ducks'.
'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?'
'Look', said the second Kerryman, 'if you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them'.
'Five', said the first Kerryman.



As a birthday treat Pat had taken his fiancee out for a meal at a very smart restaurant. The menu looked rather too expensive for Pat's pocket so he gradually whittled down the lady's choice to chicken and salad.

'That'll be £38 sir,' smiled the waiter.

'Thirty-eight pounds,' said Pat. 'Sure we've only had chicken and salad.'

'Yes, sir,' explained the waiter, 'but you've had chicken breasts. There's only one breast on a bird so we've had to kill two birds to serve you.'

Mumbling to himself Pat reluctantly paid the money just as his lady friend said:

'Why don't we have a cocktail? I fancy a horse's neck.'

'Well,' said Pat. I'll have the legs. They're not killing two horses!'

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me wiener a bit larger?"

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again. After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish.

The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer?"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

A recently ordained Irish priest was delivering his first sermon to his new parish.

"As I drove into your town last week, I witnessed three abominations:
First, I saw a man in a field committing an unnatural act with a sheep.
I drove on farther and saw another man committing the same vile act with another sheep.
And then, at the edge of town, I saw a man committing an abomination with himself."

A voice spoke up from the back of the congregation: "Aye, that'll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!"

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Paddy and Bernadette got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Paddy, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Bernadette, it's for under his arms."

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ..... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said: "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya stewped idiot!"

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find
the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've
just wet mine."