Hen Party

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 3:56pm #1

As a guest, how late is too late to pull out of a hen party?

I got the invite at the start of Jan, and and the end of Jan we were told where we were going, no mention of price. I had to ask how much it was and got told the price last week (hen is a month away now) the price is shocking for a 1 night hen in Ireland (€250 including travel), when I emailed her about the price asking how it was so much the bridesmaid organising it went through me for a shortcut.

I agreed to go because the bride is a really good friend I've known for almost 15 years, but now I regret it, I can't bring myself to spend that much on one night (I could have a spa weekend for that!) I also am reluctant to go spending 24 hours with this wagon. I think it might be too late to back out, but I really don't want to go.
I don't know how to approach this with a) the bride, who I'm sure has no idea her BM is behaving this way and b) the BM

listermint · 13-02-2018 3:58pm

Tell her you hadn't realised the cost and don't have it to spend so you'll have to pull out.

Done problem solved

GingerLily · 13-02-2018 4:02pm

You were only told the price last week so cancel now.

How do you mean she "went through you"? I'm confused how she's behaved?

kg703 · 13-02-2018 4:07pm

If nothing has been paid for upfront by the BM then pull out if you dont want to go and have a night out with the bride just the two of you. No one should be rude to you about it and feck them if they are. If she has though, you are leaving her short the money and where she should have been upfront about the price, leaving her to cover yours because you have changed your mind - she won't forget that.

This is based on my experience of being a BM - kept everything money wise optional, upfront and to a minimum. Stayed in the same county we all live in, optional spa day to start, then I paid for the bride to stay in a hotel & we got our hair/make up done, then to a night out - I booked everything paid for a round of shots and then asked everyone if they wanted platters I would order them but to let me know so I could order for X amount of people.

I had to pay for the spa treatments which everyone knew about and of course one girl that morning "my childs just been brought to hospital so I can't make the spa but Ill be there for the food and drinks later". Plus then boiled my blood that some people who specifically didnt order food were eating it and two who ordered food didnt turn up so out of my pocket that came.

Each person who did that has been on my tw*t list since.

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 4:10pm

GingerLily wrote: »

You were only told the price last week so cancel now.

How do you mean she "went through you"? I'm confused how she's behaved?

Oh she just want on a tirade basically saying this is what it costs and my attitude is disgusting, and if I have a problem with the price it's my problem, and nobody else has an issue with it, and she told us all when we were invited what we'd be doing and she booked everything based on our agreeing to go then (which I know myself is her own fault as she should have told us the price when we were invited or soon after to allow us to plan or pull out) Now we're a couple of weeks out so I feel like if I pull out I'm the bad guy

bucketybuck · 13-02-2018 4:16pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I agreed to go because the bride is a really good friend I've known for almost 15 years

Ring your friend and say that you're really sorry but something came up and you can't make the hen, that you would love to meet for a cuppa some time instead and that you're really looking forward to the wedding.

She'll pass the message onto the wagon and you think no more of it.

michellie · 13-02-2018 4:16pm

What kind of idiot plans a hen and doesn't tell people the price? I've planned many of them and the first thing people want to know is how much it costs them!

€250 is a joke for one night in Ireland. I had a small hen with just very close friends in Portugal in May for 3 nights for €250 (flights hotel &buses)

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 4:21pm

michellie wrote: »

What kind of idiot plans a hen and doesn't tell people the price? I've planned many of them and the first thing people want to know is how much it costs them!

€250 is a joke for one night in Ireland. I had a small hen with just very close friends in Portugal in May for 3 nights for €250 (flights hotel &buses)

sure I know I've planned 1 myself, I didn't email all the details round until I had the price and the date and all the details (and all 3 months in advance) sure what's the point otherwise.
You can't force people to agree to attend an unspecified activity on a specific date, for an unspecified price to be demanded 4 weeks from the hen and then be outraged when they ask questions about it! Well you can, but if you do you're an unreasonable wagon.

osarusan · 13-02-2018 4:29pm

Is it that the bridesmaid has chosen a really expensive set of things to do/place to stay (but €250 is the correct costing), or is that there is no way the things to do and place to stay should add up to €250?

chocfan · 13-02-2018 4:32pm

Totally agree BM is being a wagon and sounds like a difficult person to deal with

She should have organised it properly from the start with giving everybody the budget etc.

But.... just playing devil's advocate here, maybe you shouldn't have agreed to go to something without knowing the price?? There was always the option of telling her in January that you'd def be interested in going but just get back to you with figures as it would be dependent on cash

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 4:38pm

osarusan wrote: »

Is it that the bridesmaid has chosen a really expensive set of things to do/place to stay (but €250 is the correct costing), or is that there is no way the things to do and place to stay should add up to €250?

No it's no more complex or fancy than a standard hen, activity, overnight stay, dinner. I can't see how what we're doing comes to that much. I had thought 150 max (I plan team outings in work so I've a good idea of what stuff like this costs)

osarusan · 13-02-2018 4:39pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

No it's no more complex or fancy than a standard hen, activity, overnight stay, dinner. I can't see how what we're doing comes to that much. I had thought 150 max (I plan team outings in work so I've a good idea of what stuff like this costs)

You think she is basically scamming money out of people?

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 4:40pm

chocfan wrote: »

But.... just playing devil's advocate here, maybe you shouldn't have agreed to go to something without knowing the price?? There was always the option of telling her in January that you'd def be interested in going but just get back to you with figures as it would be dependent on cash

That's fair, I just never could have imagined that what we're doing could possibly cost that much. But it's still a fair point, which I think is why I'm unsure if it's ok to pull out

Bacchus · 13-02-2018 4:40pm

My wife is BM to one of her closest friends and recently organised her hen party. Step 1... sent email with date and asked who would be available (to get numbers). Step 2... found venue and sussed out budget for any activities/food/drinks. Step 3... sent email with those details including total cost (around €120 btw, for one night) and asked people to confirm. Step 4... Booked everything once she got the minimum numbers she needed.

Why do people complicate things by keeping important stuff (like costs!) in the dark... and then take issue with people after they've blindsided them with a €250 bill.

OP, that BM you are dealing with fcuked up by not being up front about the cost. I'd be surprised if you were the only one with an issue with the cost (though you say you had to ask the BM, so who knows if others know the cost yet at all!). As others pointed out, you are not obliged to attend, especially the BM withheld information about the cost. That's her fault and your excuse is perfectly reasonable... "I do not have the money to spend that much on a hen party and therefore will not be attending". It sucks but you're not going to enjoy the weekend having been effectively forced to pay through the nose for it, AND having to spend time with the BM with a chip on her shoulder.

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 4:43pm

osarusan wrote: »

You think she is basically scamming money out of people?

No but I think she just picked the first most expensive option on everything, and maybe didn't factor cost into any of it. Like there's 16 of us including the bride which means she's collecting the guts of 4 grand, I just can't see how a hen for 16 people costs that much

stargazer 68 · 13-02-2018 4:44pm

Op that price is a bit steep. I have just booked a girls weekend and it's 150 each for 2 nights B&B and 1 4 course meal. Lovely hotel with a pool and spa and 10% off spa treatments!

osarusan · 13-02-2018 4:50pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

No but I think she just picked the first most expensive option on everything, and maybe didn't factor cost into any of it. Like there's 16 of us including the bride which means she's collecting the guts of 4 grand, I just can't see how a hen for 16 people costs that much

Do you want to get the bride involved? You said you think she's in the dark about what's going on.

You could send a message to the bridesmaid and include the bride, and say thanks for trying to organise everything and that it sounds like a nice plan, but that you just never imagined it would cost that much, and unfortunately you won't be able to afford to go.

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 4:50pm

osarusan wrote: »

Do you want to get the bride involved? You said you think she's in the dark about what's going on.

You could send a message to the bridesmaid and include the bride, and say thanks for trying to organise everything and that it sounds like a nice plan, but that you just never imagined it would cost that much, and unfortunately you won't be able to afford to go.

Oh I don't think I'd involve the bride, she's enough to worry about with the wedding. Obviously if I don't go I'll have to tell her, but I just want to do that in a matter of fact way and I don't want to seem like I'm dropping the BM in it. I still have to go to the wedding with these people.

Bacchus · 13-02-2018 4:56pm

osarusan wrote: »

Do you want to get the bride involved? You said you think she's in the dark about what's going on.

You could send a message to the bridesmaid and include the bride, and say thanks for trying to organise everything and that it sounds like a nice plan, but that you just never imagined it would cost that much, and unfortunately you won't be able to afford to go.

Don't be the one that involves the bride. You'll really piss off the BM if you do that, and you'll only add stress to the bride's life who will now be thinking her entire hen has become some big expensive inconvenience to all her friends.

Keep it between you and the BM. There is only one topic on the agenda. Are you going or not. If you are, you need to accept the costs and get on with it. If you aren't, make your excuses and politely decline. If the BM comes at you about covering costs, remind her that information about the cost was withheld until now.

GingerLily · 13-02-2018 5:02pm

Do not moan at the bride - she has enough on your plate and you will end up looking like a selfish drama queen.

Tell the bridesmaid you cannot afford and won't be attending.

Tell the bride you can't make the hen but love to meet her before the wedding if she has time for a drink or a coffee.

I know your mad at the bridesmaid but you don't need to over complicate it

dragonfly! · 13-02-2018 5:08pm

Is the BM including the cost of ye covering the bride in that price?
And extras such as banners?
You could ask her to explain what is included in that a bit more?

woodchuck · 13-02-2018 5:09pm

OP of course it's ok to pull out! The BM should have been upfront about the cost. Just try to be as civil as possible about it (she'll probably go ballistic, but that's not your fault).

As others have suggested, don't mention your issues with the BM to the bride. Just tell her that unfortunately you won't be able to make it to the hen, but maybe suggest meeting up for a drink whenever she's free.

tickingclock · 13-02-2018 5:14pm

I'm oragnising two this summer both are €100 each for one night dinner, hotel and breaky included. I agree the BM is mad with her prices.
If I was you I'd explain to bride and BM that you can't afford the hen and instead of going perhaps bring the bride out for afternoon tea just the two of you.

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 5:17pm

dragonfly! wrote: »

Is the BM including the cost of ye covering the bride in that price?
And extras such as banners?
You could ask her to explain what is included in that a bit more?

yeah the bride is covered
It also covers travel, activity, dinner with prosecco, tshirt (:rolleyes:),and breakfast. We're having lunch too but we're covering that ourselves. Like there might be a few balloons and party poppers etc but they're hardly bank breakers

dragonfly! · 13-02-2018 5:28pm

That seems very expensive unless the travel expenses are mad?
Do you know what the activity is?
I'm organising mine for March - Its for 2BB1D, glass of processco, 2 activities - they are cocktail making class and treasure hunt. It's just under the price you mentioned for 1 night.
Having said that I was pricing a spa instead of the 2 above mentioned activites and that was adding nearly €100 each on

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 5:33pm

dragonfly! wrote: »

That seems very expensive unless the travel expenses are mad?
Do you know what the activity is?
I'm organising mine for March - Its for 2BB1D, glass of processco, 2 activities - they are cocktail making class and treasure hunt. It's just under the price you mentioned for 1 night.
Having said that I was pricing a spa instead of the 2 above mentioned activites and that was adding nearly €100 each on

the activity is about €35-40 pp, I don't want to say 'cos I'm paranoid about her reading this thread! I've done it before so I know the price

Sunny Dayz · 13-02-2018 5:54pm

Wow I'm attending a hen early in the summer and we've known the price since the hen was first announced last Autumn. Granted it's not an expensive or lively part of the country but it's in quite a nice hotel. €150 for 1 night, B&B & dinner plus a spa treatment.

13-02-2018 6:03pm

This is a great excuse to pull out. Imagine you were asked 6 months ago to pay this, would have been much harder to get out of paying 250 for one night

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 6:09pm

I'm pretty sure i'm going to pull out, I'm just so worried about telling the bride, because I'm afraid the the whole thing will come out and I just want to walk away quietly and let sleeping dogs lie. But she's a no BS type and I can't lie so I can't see a way round that

stargazer 68 · 13-02-2018 6:14pm

The bride is going to have to find out anyway. I suggest you don't lie to her though if she asks why you aren't going. I know you don't want to upset her but it will come out in the end.

Triceratops Ballet · 13-02-2018 6:16pm

Dovies wrote: »

The bride is going to have to find out anyway. I suggest you don't lie to her though if she asks why you aren't going. I know you don't want to upset her but it will come out in the end.

You're right, she will ask, and I can't lie, she won't be one to be fobbed off either.

GingerLily · 13-02-2018 6:17pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I'm pretty sure i'm going to pull out, I'm just so worried about telling the bride, because I'm afraid the the whole thing will come out and I just want to walk away quietly and let sleeping dogs lie. But she's a no BS type and I can't lie so I can't see a way round that

Say you can't afford it - it's the truth but with no unnecessary drama. You don't need to go into any more details, she'll understand.
The catty BM won't but screw her

King of Kings · 13-02-2018 6:24pm

michellie wrote: »

What kind of idiot plans a hen and doesn't tell people the price? I've planned many of them and the first thing people want to know is how much it costs them!

agreed - people don't have unlimited income BM is a dope if she doesn't agree to that.

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

No it's no more complex or fancy than a standard hen, activity, overnight stay, dinner. I can't see how what we're doing comes to that much. I had thought 150 max (I plan team outings in work so I've a good idea of what stuff like this costs)

I suspect bridesmaid is getting you to cover her too!!

that's an outrageous price. BTW don't believe the BM that everybody else is cool with it. At that price they should be giving out.

Don't feel bad if you bail - the BM messed it up

dragonfly! · 13-02-2018 6:33pm

If you feel the price isnt the fair price you can quite easily call the suppliers and get some prices yourself and then where you go from there is up to you. :cool:

If you dont want the drama just tell the BM you cant go at that price

One of my besties sent me a text at the weekend to say she cant make my hen due to xyz that has arisen and she cant afford to do both and essentially the other thing is taking priority

Im disappointed she wont be there but you'll never get everyone there there will always be something.

A phone call might be better though and just say that its coming in more than you expected so while you would love to be there you just cant at the moment and maybe suggest doing something just the 2 of you at another date?

FAILSAFE 00 · 13-02-2018 6:44pm

I can't imagine the OP is the only attendee that is looking at the price of this hen and saying WTF. I think others will share your thoughts and come up with an excuse to get out of it.

I would bet that the numbers will be dropping from 16. Don't feel bad OP. I bet there will be some last minute renegotiation or change of hotel/venue last minute to suit everyone.

bucketybuck · 13-02-2018 7:25pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I'm pretty sure i'm going to pull out, I'm just so worried about telling the bride,

Why not give your friend some credit, that she is an adult who will understand?

There really doesn't need to be any drama behind this, just say that you can't make it. You don't need to go any further than that at all, its not up to you to point out the whys or why nots of the pricing, just say you can't make it, that you can't afford it and end the conversation there.

GarIT · 13-02-2018 7:37pm

I'd throw the BM under the bus. Message the bride and say something like "I'm really sorry but I can't afford to drop more than half a weeks wages on a night out and when I mentioned my concerns about the price to be BM she started screaming and shouting at me so I wouldn't feel comfortable going, I'd love to meet up soon if you're free though"

GingerLily · 13-02-2018 10:51pm

GarIT wrote: »

I'd throw the BM under the bus. Message the bride and say something like "I'm really sorry but I can't afford to drop more than half a weeks wages on a night out and when I mentioned my concerns about the price to be BM she started screaming and shouting at me so I wouldn't feel comfortable going, I'd love to meet up soon if you're free though"

But that's such a nasty thing to do to the bride - she'll have so much on her plate - so selfish to punish the bride for the actions of a bridesmaid.

OP, if I was the bride and you purposely started drama like this right before my wedding - I'd be seriously questioning our friendship.

poppies2 · 14-02-2018 12:59pm

GingerLily wrote: »

But that's such a nasty thing to do to the bride - she'll have so much on her plate - so selfish to punish the bride for the actions of a bridesmaid.

OP, if I was the bride and you purposely started drama like this right before my wedding - I'd be seriously questioning our friendship.

Agree. Just send the BM an email saying you can't afford it and will have to decline, end of. Then I would just take the bride out for a nice lunch/afternoon tea somewhere just the two of you, worry over

the_syco · 14-02-2018 7:33pm

Ring the BM, and tell her you're pulling out due to the cost at short notice. If she starts screaming, hang up.

splinter65 · 14-02-2018 8:42pm

Email bridesmaid nice and friendly, be perfectly clear, you have to drop out because it’s over €100 more then you were expecting to pay, and it’s totally outside your budget, you hope that they all have a lovely time etc
Take the bride out and spend 100 on the night, just you 2.
Never mention the hens again.
As an aside, I see these ridiculous completely unnecessary events coming to an end soon. It has turned into something to endure more then something to look forward too.
But by the Lord Harry €250 for one night?!? Someone is laughing all the way to the bank ?
What the hell!!
Can anyone tell me exactly what was wrong with a night in the pub and on to a club?

Addle · 14-02-2018 8:45pm

splinter65 wrote: »

As an aside, I see these ridiculous completely unnecessary events coming to an end soon. It has turned into something to endure more then something to look forward too.

I actually think they're getting worse.
And the older the bride/bridal party, the more outrageous the outgoings.

No need to lie.
We're only invited to these things.
We can turn down invitations.

Electric Sheep · 14-02-2018 8:55pm

splinter65 wrote: »

Email bridesmaid nice and friendly, be perfectly clear, you have to drop out because it’s over €100 more then you were expecting to pay, and it’s totally outside your budget, you hope that they all have a lovely time etc
Take the bride out and spend 100 on the night, just you 2.
Never mention the hens again.
As an aside, I see these ridiculous completely unnecessary events coming to an end soon. It has turned into something to endure more then something to look forward too.
But by the Lord Harry €250 for one night?!? Someone is laughing all the way to the bank ?
What the hell!!
Can anyone tell me exactly what was wrong with a night in the pub and on to a club?

Fortunately I have aged out of having to attend many hens but from what I hear from my nieces and their friends they now dread hens and just wish it would step.

splinter65 · 14-02-2018 9:46pm

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Fortunately I have aged out of having to attend many hens but from what I hear from my nieces and their friends they now dread hens and just wish it would step.

This is the feedback I get too, but I think pretty soon it will become totally “passé” and will be consigned to the history books, to be forever cringed at, in particular the grown women in matching t-shirts waving blow up giant willies over their heads as they staggered down the Main Street in Carrick on Shannon screeching at total strangers.

Maldesu · 16-02-2018 4:12pm

I'm currently organising a hen and plenty of ladies have told me they can't attend. Some give a reason, some don't. Since I'm an adult, I realise that other people have things to do and lives to live, so I'm not going to give them grief over it. I've simply responded that I hope to see them at the wedding and not to worry etc.
If you can't go, for whatever reason, just say you can't go. If she goes off at you, just ignore her because responding to that behaviour is just rewarding it. You may have said you'd have gone, but €250 is a mad amount to be asking people to hand over.

Edit: For comparison, I'm asking for €132 for the night which covers the bride, but not travel

Sunny Dayz · 16-02-2018 10:12pm

A few people couldn’t attend my hen. Two had college, one couldn’t get off work, another was heavily pregnant. It was no biggie. Not all invited to a hen can be expected to attend.

mcgiggles · 19-02-2018 4:58pm

My advice would be to tell bridesmaid you can't go. (and tell her why if she asks). If the bride asks why you can't go just be honest and say you can't afford it. Be nice but clear..
Also for comparison I'm booking sisters hen and its 165 for 2 nights - cupcakes, finger food and drinks on night 1 and activity 4 course meal and free bubbly on night 2 and breakfast both mornings!

lazygal · 20-02-2018 11:50am

I haven't gone to hen parties for various reasons. It has never led to a falling out. You don't need to come up with an excuse, a simple timely decline is enough.

Mollyb60 · 20-02-2018 2:10pm

A friend of mine is getting married next year and has proposed a 4 day holiday to Marbella for her hen. I'm DREADING it and might just not go at all. I do not understand these big event hen parties. Myself and Mr Molly had a joint dinner and few drinks in town with some friends. We were home by 1am. :rolleyes:

TB I think it's safe to say that you shouldn't go. I'd try to let the bridesmaidzilla stuff float over your head. It's her own fault that she's done this the lazy way and has ended up paying way over the norm for the night. I'd assume you'd be sharing a room too so whatever company gave her that quote are getting €500 for a double room. FS!

Triceratops Ballet · 20-02-2018 2:20pm

Mollyb60 wrote: »

A friend of mine is getting married next year and has proposed a 4 day holiday to Marbella for her hen. I'm DREADING it and might just not go at all. I do not understand these big event hen parties. Myself and Mr Molly had a joint dinner and few drinks in town with some friends. We were home by 1am. :rolleyes:

TB I think it's safe to say that you shouldn't go. I'd try to let the bridesmaidzilla stuff float over your head. It's her own fault that she's done this the lazy way and has ended up paying way over the norm for the night. I'd assume you'd be sharing a room too so whatever company gave her that quote are getting €500 for a double room. FS!

thing is if I was going to Marbella, I'd be all over it! I wouldn't mind paying if I got the value!

TBH I found another dissenter and we talked about it among ourselves for the last week and we're just going! It's going to be such a sh1t show I kind of need to see how it plays out. I made my peace with it. (kind of!)

Mollyb60 · 20-02-2018 2:25pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

thing is if I was going to Marbella, I'd be all over it! I wouldn't mind paying if I got the value!

TBH I found another dissenter and we talked about it among ourselves for the last week and we're just going! It's going to be such a sh1t show I kind of need to see how it plays out. I made my peace with it. (kind of!)

I wouldn't normally mind going but I've been to Marbella and really didn't like it. There's nothing to do there at all and it's really expensive for Spain. I wouldn't mind if there was something to see or do but all the girls are sunbathers who have no problems with lying by the pool all day drinking cocktails. That sounds like a nightmare to me.

I suppose you can chalk this down to experience and have a laugh about it when you look back. It had better be fuppin amazing for that price!

Hen Party

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