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Washing my boyfriend's clothes...

  • 12-10-2010 9:07pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey, this might sound a bit silly, but here goes... How do you feel in general about a girlfriend washing her boyfriends' dirty laundry?

    I don't live with my boyfriend, but when he stays in my place, he always leaves his boxers/tee shirts behind, and expects me to wash them. I'm not sure how it started... I think I just popped them in the wash with my stuff cos I didn't want to leave them lying around.

    It's not any hassle to put them in the wash etc, but it makes me feel a bit like his mum. I personally never leave things in boyfriend's house (not even a toothbrush) because I feel it's a bit like "moving in". I don't have commitment issues or anything - I'm mad about this guy, and everything is going really well. Also, before you ask, he's not a slob or lazy, and totally looks out for me - he's great in every way. I mentioned the laundry thing lightly, to give him a hint, and he said it's handier to have some spares here for when he stays over.

    What do you lot reckon?


«1

Comments

  • #2
    Lucyx
    Registered Users Posts: 357 ✭✭Lucyx


    i think if he also does nice things for you then it really shouldn't be a problem. especially if its only a few bits of washing.

    but i've a feeling that he doesn't say thank you and this might be bugging you. if this is something that is annoying to you then you should stop doing it. theres no point in doing something for someone if its causing you annoyance. and you don't want him to get into the bad habit of taking your good deeds for granted ;)


  • #3
    missmelo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 110 ✭✭missmelo


    Hey,

    I too do my boyfriends laundry and he does not live with me, but i dont mind in the slightest as he does stuff for me too, and he appreciates it, so maybe as lucyx pointed out your annoyed because your boyfriend doesnt say thank you??


  • #4
    Liam Byrne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,163 ✭✭✭✭Liam Byrne


    I'm just wondering if the issue is that he's OK leaving stuff there, considering that you view such things as "moving in" ?


  • #5
    Starry Night
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭Starry Night


    hey op, do you mind me asking how often he visits?

    personally I do the same for my boyfriend, it doesn't bother me in the slightest.. we live a few hours from each other and only see each other at wkends.. so instead of him packing a bag every week he just leaves some bits at mine..

    But he did ask me first if it was ok for him to do this. Maybe that's the difference? Your b/f just kinda left them hanging round the place so now you feel like you're picking up after him..

    You said he's great in every way so it's obviously not out of laziness and is like he said - handy to have some spares in your place. The only thing I could fault him for is not 'clearing' it with you first..


  • #6
    WindSock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,239 ✭✭✭✭WindSock


    Is it really that much of a hassle to throw in a few of his clothes with yours while you are doing a wash? It sounds like it is a convenience thing for him to have some clean clothes in your place which is not that big a deal. It's not as if he is calling over with bags of laundry and asking you to separate the whites and iron his shirts.


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  • #7
    tenchi-fan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    Do you actually iron his tshirts too? Or are you seriously complaining that he doesn't want to take dirty tea-shirts and boxers all the way home, only to bring them back clean so he can leave a change of clothes in your place?
    That's pretty pathetic, op.


  • #8
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    It's not like he's asking you to change your name by deedpoll to Widow Twanky in fairness. Makes perfect sense that he leaves a few bits and pieces and yours and why wouldn't you throw them in the wash if you're putting on a wash anyway?

    If he was phoning you up asking him to come round and mow his lawn or wash his car then that would be an entirely issue, but he just sounds like a typical boy tbh. If everything else is rosy in the garden then you really don't have anything to worry about OP!


  • #9
    darad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 109 ✭✭darad


    Try leaving some spares at his, see how it feels for you, see if he has any issues with it?


  • #10
    Supercell
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,483 ✭✭✭✭Supercell


    My wife does my clothes, I do "man" things that are heavy as well as other stuff.
    Overall we both share the normal houshold stuff about 50:50 so i dont see any problem with it.
    https://www.loughlinstown.ie/

    Have a weather station?, why not join the Ireland Weather Network - http://irelandweather.eu/



  • #11
    LighterGuy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,243 ✭✭✭LighterGuy


    Op, two words:

    "nit-picking"


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  • #12
    ApeXaviour
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,523 ✭✭✭ApeXaviour


    I did it with for my ex when she stayed over because I'm tidy like that. If you feel like his mum that's kinda your issue. Pick your battles. You should reciprocate though, leave some socks behind at least (hardly a nesting gesture)... that should remove any maternal issues from the equation. What boy goes around washing his mums socks ;)


  • #13
    up for anything
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭up for anything


    It sounds to me like you feel he's taking you for granted and that you may be worrying that it's give him an inch and he takes a mile. You are the only person that can ensure that that does not happen. If you don't want to do his washing regardless of the fact that it's a few socks and jocks, tell him and if he 'forgets' tell him again and again and again.

    I have a friend who did this with her then boyfriend/now husband of 20 years. They are the only couple I know with true equality and no resentment in their relationship. There are no roles in their house. Each is as capable of every task as the other.

    It doesn't make you a petty, bad or nit-picking person because you object to this.


  • #14
    Contessa Raven
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 642 ✭✭✭Contessa Raven


    I personally don't see anything wrong with him leaving some his things there, especially if he's staying over regularly. It's handy for him to have two or three extra t-shirts or whatever. However, if it bothers you maybe you could limit how much he leaves. E.g. He can leave 2 t-shirts, 2 pairs of boxers and 2 pairs of socks. And that he leaves them in a specific place where they aren't on top of your stuff. That way it won't feel like he's moving in. Also, by limiting the number of items he leaves, it's less likely that he will leave more and more each time he stays.

    As to the washing of his things, I think if it's limited to a small number of items then it won't be any extra work for you to just throw a couple of pairs of socks etc in with your wash.


  • #15
    seamus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    up for anything wrote: »
    It sounds to me like you feel he's taking you for granted and that you may be worrying that it's give him an inch and he takes a mile.
    More-or-less, but I think she's more worried that because she's doing this now then she's "stuck" doing this if/when they move in together.

    OP, if you're unhappy that he's partially "moved in", then just hand him back his stuff and tell him that you're not washing it any more because it makes you feel like his mum. He'll be very eager to break that association :D

    On the other hand if you're worried that this'll lead to you doing all the laundry in future, then the next time you give him his cleaned clothes, just tell him in a light-hearted way; "I hope you're not expecting that service if we ever live together, cos you've two chances of that happening..."

    My wife and I wash our own clothes. She has delicate clothes where she uses stain removers and gentle washes, colour catchers and non-bio powders and hangs half of them up to dry. I have men's clothes which get bundled into the washing machine in a big ball, covered in biological powder and then bunged into the dryer to dry out. The only exception is my one pink shirt which goes into her "pink wash", because she has that many pink clothes.


  • #16
    Fox McCloud
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 189 ✭✭Fox McCloud


    Does he ask you to do this or does he just leave his worn clothes on the ground for you to pick up?
    If its the latter then I would suggest simply stopping washing his stuff, just put it in a bag for him to take home next time.

    If he's asking each time could you throw this tshirt in with your own wash, and then he looks after whatever iron/putting away after its washed I would say its fine.

    Still, if its making you feel like his mum, dont do it. He'l manage just fine to wash his own delicates if you can do the same when you stay in his place. He's an independant grown man, treat him any differently and dont be surprised if he stops acting like one.


  • #17
    hybridmouse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 35 ✭hybridmouse


    If he's not lazy or a git generally I wouldn't be worrying about washing a few items of clothing. I'm sure if you left you bits and bobs at his, he'd do the same for you.

    I used to wash the odd item or two for my BF before we lived together and still do. Mostly we do our own washing but if I've a half-load or if I notice his stuff piling up I'll lash them in. He'll do the same for me, or I'll come home and my stuff is hung up to dry without me having to ask. It's all about give and take.

    I'm sure he must do things for you? Cook you dinner etc....if he doesn't do similar things for you, that's a different issue and maybe you need to have a chat with him.


  • #18
    Walls
    Registered Users Posts: 1,258 ✭✭✭Walls


    I'm married to my husband and before that, we lived together, and before that, we spent a lot of time together.

    I DON'T DO LAUNDRY. Sure, I keep our house nice, and cook and wash up. But I wash my own clothes. I expect him to take care of his own clothes and I always have.

    OP, this bugs you. Him doing this bugs you. Guess what, you get to SAY that it bugs you, you don't have to do it IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. You're an adult now, you get to say what goes. Tell him to bring home his own dirty underwear because, frankly, it is not the kind of gift you were thinking of getting from him.

    See, what bugs me about this is he didn't ask, he just left them behind, as if you were the maid and it was already your job. Why would he think that is okay? Why would you? Seriously, this does bug you, so stop swallowing that and say what you think.


  • #19
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    My OH and I live together and we both do laundry. We put all our washing into one basket in the bedroom and whoever thinks it's full first bungs on a wash.

    OP I don't really see the problem as long as he's not all "Woman, wash my clothes" about it. As others have said try leaving a couple of t-shirts in the washing basket at his place if he has no problem washing those then ye have no problem as far as I can see.


  • #20
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here.

    Thanks for the mixed feedback! It's interesting to see how differently different people think about it. I'm not majorly bugged by it, but I just have a bit of a "thing" about getting domestic too quickly, so this kinda pushes that button.

    My boyfriend does lots of things for me and I do lots of things for him, so it's not an issue that either of us are selfish or lazy, or resent each other. I love doing things for him. I just don't wanna find myself as a little wife when I'm not a wife, if you know what I mean, and think we shouldn't take anything for granted from each other. I've never lived with any of my ex-boyfriends for that reason (and also none of them were quite right anyway!).

    Anyway, thanks again - some food for thought. x


  • #21
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    I have a friend who is a single parent and she still hems her ex's pants.

    To me this is beyond the beyond but to each his own.


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  • #22
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    I understand where youre coming from, op. You dont want to wake up some day to find somehow you do all the washing and its taken for granted, because 'thats what women do'. And it does happen. Some women take over where mammy left off.

    Its up to you not to let that happen, by speaking up if you ever do feel like you are being taken for granted.


  • #23
    Novella
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    I honestly wouldn't be bothered by my boyfriend leaving stuff at my place, or having to stick a t-shirt or two of his or a pair of boxers in the washing machine with my own stuff. I suppose if it's something that annoys you, say it to him but seriously, it's not exactly a big deal.


  • #24
    Distorted
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    I just wouldn't do it. If he can bring clean clothes with him, theres no reason why he can't take them away again. He's your boyfriend, not your husband, or even live-in boyfriend. Its just rude. And lazy. But then I must admit I would probably only go out with a boyfriend who had lived on his own, in his own place. I don't think people are fully rounded individuals if they haven't, and that affects relationships.

    I live with my boyfriend and we have a whites linen basket and a normal linen basket. Theres no rule as to who puts the washing on. If ones needing done or he needs something washed, he does it, ditto me. He also puts in the colour care sheets to stop the colour running, although admittedly that was my idea to start with. Neither of us find this in any way stressful. Theres never been any arguements about it.

    I don't cook either. Clearly I am not fifties housewify material...


  • #25
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yeah I used to wash stuff my girlfriend left over in my place too....no big deal.

    I actually quite liked the fact that she'd have clean tops and underwear when she was back over.

    My housemates thought I was a right ponce for doing it too, not that I cared, but it works both ways...!


  • #26
    MrMojoRising
    Registered Users Posts: 257 ✭✭MrMojoRising


    Distorted wrote: »

    I don't cook either. Clearly I am not fifties housewify material...

    no, just lazy.

    op - he prob doesn't even realise he's left a few things behind you. is it really that big a deal to throw them in the wash? honestly, if this is the biggest issue you two ever have, you're lucky.


  • #27
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    MrMojoRising wrote: »
    no, just lazy.

    Maybe her partner likes to do all the cooking, so there's no need for her to do it? Not all women are put on this earth to satisfy man's needs.


  • #28
    Asphyxia
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,740 ✭✭✭Asphyxia


    Hey OP

    My fella used to leave some of his clothes at my place before we moved in together, I used to just throw them in with my clothes in the wash he never asked but he usually came up in his work clothes and he would stay over so it was nice to have clean fresh clothes to get in.

    I don't think you should too much especially considering he isn't a slob and treats you right :D


  • #29
    Johnny Favourite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 135 ✭✭Johnny Favourite


    jesus, its just a few bits of clothes. Are you really that put out by it?


  • #30
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Are you mad? Why are you washing his dirty clothes???

    Would you feel alright leaving your dirty knickers on the floor for him to wash? Or would you feel better handing them to him?

    Children have their clothes washed for them, by those who are responsible for them.

    Yes, it's nice to have clean clothes to wear when you're with your bf/gf. That's why you bring them with you when you go there.


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  • #31
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    I live with my bf and I do most of the laundry, every now and again my bf will do it but I usually keep on top of things laundry-wise so I just do it.

    However, I think it is kinda odd that your bf doesn't live with you and just leaves his dirty clothes there? If he brought them over, tell him to just bring it back! I just find it strange that he can bring stuff over yet can't bring it back. If you ain't comfortable washing his clothes and getting too domesticated, just tell him!


  • #32
    Canluum
    Registered Users Posts: 189 ✭✭Canluum


    Sybill wrote: »
    Are you mad? Why are you washing his dirty clothes???

    Would you feel alright leaving your dirty knickers on the floor for him to wash?
    I don't see the problem with that. I've washed plenty of underwear for ex gfs... even "special" friends where there was no agreed-upon commitment. If they're staying over why not just chuck it in the laundry with your own clothes? It's not any extra hassle and it save's them having to carry around dirty laundry everywhere, always nice to have some spare in case of an unplanned visit.

    This really should be so far removed from a gender or feminist issue and more just plain convenience and being polite.


  • #33
    WindSock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,239 ✭✭✭✭WindSock


    Canluum wrote: »
    This really should be so far removed from a gender or feminist issue and more just plain convenience and being polite.

    That's pretty much it. It seems like you are making a stand because you don't want to be seen to be treated like a doormat housewife.
    Well you are not for throwing in a few jocks into the washing machine. Housework and cooking should no longer be something to back away from out of fear of becoming a domesticated slave. It's stuff that needs doing, regardless of gender. Of course one half should never do the lions share while both living together and working. You said yourself OP that he does things for you around the house too. Do you think he has the same issues that you have when you ask him to open a jar, lift something heavy, or reach for something high up?


  • #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Are his boxers dirty? You know, do they have skid marks and sticky stains? If they have then he shouldn't be leaving them for you to wash for him. He should do it himself.
    Maybe leave your own panties with skid marks on them in his place and see if he washes them or leaves them for you to take home next time you visit him.


  • #35
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I get where you are coming from OP. All too often it's assumed that women are responsible for things like laundry. It traditionally has been seen as a 'female job'. The reality is, your fears aren't unfounded in the sense that research shows us women still do upwards of 88% of domestic chores around the house.

    In relationships I expect equality on these sorts of things -- i.e. just because i have a vagina doesn't mean I'll be doing the laundry, the washing up or the cooking and I set out those parameters very clearly on. Unless these are equally shared tasks then I don't have a problem with it.

    I'm in a similar situation - the guy I'm seeing leaves his dirty clothes here. I just put them in a bag for him to take home with him next time he's over because it's too early in the relationship for me to gauge whether doing his laundry will be taken for granted or seen as something that's expected in the future.

    If I were you, in order to get an idea how he approaches things I'd do as others suggested - leave some dirty laundry behind at his and see what happens to it....then you'll have your answer as to whether this is a big deal or not.


  • #36
    moco
    Registered Users Posts: 972 ✭✭✭moco


    When I first read this yesterday I thought 'big deal' and that you were making an issue over nothing, but actually, I started off the way you are, washing a couple of bits and pieces my boyfriend had left behind. I'd iron them too, and he'd say 'oh you don't need to do that' but I felt it was a bit petty to leave his aside, crinkled, when I was doing my own anyway.

    Then a few months later he moved in and I ended up doing all the washing and ironing (plus cooking and everything else). He'd got so used to me doing these things that he no longer said I shouldn't bother, and didn't even say thanks or acknowledge I did it at all.

    I got fed up with feeling unappreciated and stopped with the ironing, and there's now a mountain of his clothes in the spare room. He just stuffs them unironed in a copboard if anyone comes to say.:rolleyes:

    So anyway, you may have a point lol.


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  • #37
    darad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 109 ✭✭darad


    anonymousperson wrote: »
    Are his boxers dirty? You know, do they have skid marks and sticky stains? If they have then he shouldn't be leaving them for you to wash for him. He should do it himself.
    Maybe leave your own panties with skid marks on them in his place and see if he washes them or leaves them for you to take home next time you visit him.

    Omg do you do forensics when checking your laundry, if theyve been worn and are on the floor/laundry bin/bed or whatever, then they are ready to be washed.


  • #38
    tenchi-fan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    darad wrote: »
    Omg do you do forensics when checking your laundry, if theyve been worn and are on the floor/laundry bin/bed or whatever, then they are ready to be washed.

    agreed, anonymousperson is gross


  • #39
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
    Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
    Have a nice day.
    Thaedydal


  • #40
    curlzy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    All depends on balance really. I do all my boyfriend's washing mostly coz I get it done quicker but also coz he does more than his fair share of running to the shops and the cooking. If you're feeling hard done by though then you say it to him straight out, guys aren't always the best at picking up on subtle hints.


  • #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ihave a complete set of clothes in my gf's apartment. From underwear to shirts, t-shirts, jumper and jacket. Shoes, socks etc are also there. And she does ditto in my place.
    It makes sense that she washes my stuff and I hers depending on who is staying where.
    I don't see a problem at all. The only thing I will say is that girls are generally better at knowing what temperature to wash a garment in and also what clothes to put together in the wash and which ones to wash seperately.
    I learned that lesson from bitter experience, when I wash my gf's pink top with her white undies.
    It shouldn't be a problem. If I am staying the weekend in my gfs I will wash up, clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen floor for her and do the shopping. She hoovers and dusts.


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  • #42
    WindSock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,239 ✭✭✭✭WindSock


    silentguy wrote: »
    The only thing I will say is that girls are generally better at knowing what temperature to wash a garment in and also what clothes to put together in the wash and which ones to wash seperately.


    :eek:

    It's not something we are born with.


  • #43
    Abi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    Distorted wrote:
    But then I must admit I would probably only go out with a boyfriend who had lived on his own, in his own place. I don't think people are fully rounded individuals if they haven't, and that affects relationships.
    Sorry, but that is just ridiculous. It simply means that it gives a person an insight as to what it is like to live alone - having to wash, cook, clean for themselves etc., but it doesn't nesessarily mean that they cope well with it, or make them model house-mates.

    I've lived away from my parents for years, both alone and with a partner. I'm still no whizz at it and I'm in my thirties. It certainly doesn't mean I'm not well-rounded or a bad person.

    So essentially, you wouldn't think a guy was worth the effort unless he has lived independantly from his parents? :confused:
    I don't cook either. Clearly I am not fifties housewify material...
    Cooking yourself and your partner a meal doesn't make you a personal slave to one or the other.. its called looking out for each other.
    Novella wrote: »
    I honestly wouldn't be bothered by my boyfriend leaving stuff at my place, or having to stick a t-shirt or two of his or a pair of boxers in the washing machine with my own stuff. I suppose if it's something that annoys you, say it to him but seriously, it's not exactly a big deal.
    ^ Exactly.
    Laundry Girl wrote: »
    My boyfriend does lots of things for me and I do lots of things for him, so it's not an issue that either of us are selfish or lazy, or resent each other. I love doing things for him. I just don't wanna find myself as a little wife when I'm not a wife, if you know what I mean, and think we shouldn't take anything for granted from each other. I've never lived with any of my ex-boyfriends for that reason (and also none of them were quite right anyway!).

    As others have said here LG, this really is a non-issue :)

    You said in previous posts that you really like him, everything else is going well - and you say he does little things for you, then what does it matter if a few bits of his washing gets thrown into the machine? Its really no extra trouble, and it certainly doesn't make you the 'little wifey'.

    Though, if it were me the clothes mightn't come back out the same colour they went in :pac:


  • #44
    Lemming
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,148 ✭✭✭✭Lemming


    WindSock wrote: »
    :eek:

    It's not something we are born with.

    They don't?! :eek:

    They lied on the russian-bride brochu .... oh wait, i've said too much :pac:


    *Ahem* to avoid bannage for pointless posting, I get the distinct impression that this is much ado about nothing. If this was reversed with a guy posting, he'd be getting told by all to "man up" and "it's just a couple of items of laundry" ,and to be perfectly honest ... they'd be right. How much effort is it to chuck it in with your own stuff? This isn't gender-specific or something that one sex is unable to do or comprehend.

    If the other half is doing their share of other stuff, or indeed also reciprocates when the need arises with the washing, then what is the big deal?

    Common sense. Use it.


  • #45
    Distorted
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    Abigayle wrote: »

    So essentially, you wouldn't think a guy was worth the effort unless he has lived independantly from his parents? :confused:


    Cooking yourself and your partner a meal doesn't make you a personal slave to one or the other.. its called looking out for each other.

    Yep. Got it in one. I want a boyfriend I can admire, not a mummy's boy. The ability to fly the nest is essential for me. And I don't think treating your girlfriend as a substitute mother when visiting her is exactly looking out for each other.


  • #46
    Up de Barrs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 132 ✭✭Up de Barrs


    silentguy wrote: »
    Ihave a complete set of clothes in my gf's apartment. From underwear to shirts, t-shirts, jumper and jacket. Shoes, socks etc are also there. And she does ditto in my place.
    It makes sense that she washes my stuff and I hers depending on who is staying where.
    I don't see a problem at all. The only thing I will say is that girls are generally better at knowing what temperature to wash a garment in and also what clothes to put together in the wash and which ones to wash seperately.
    I learned that lesson from bitter experience, when I wash my gf's pink top with her white undies.
    It shouldn't be a problem. If I am staying the weekend in my gfs I will wash up, clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen floor for her and do the shopping. She hoovers and dusts.

    I think this is pretty much the norm for couples who aren't yet living together. I'd still always say to my gf is it ok if I throw a few things in the wash, I suppose its a matter of not taking someone for granted.
    (btw a few years ago after a ONS the girl I was with put my clothes, jeans, jocks, shirt everything in the wash the following morning, - it was when you could still smoke in pubs so I suppose she thought she was doing me a favour but it was more than I was expecting)


  • #47
    Abi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    Distorted wrote: »
    Yep. Got it in one. I want a boyfriend I can admire, not a mummy's boy.
    Each to their own, I guess. Though I don't believe its true, that if a guy hasn't left home that it automatically makes him a mummy's boy. I feel it would be unfair to tar every guy with the same brush to be perfectly honest. It's only in recent decades that the expectation that women should do all the housework has changed. I think that women having careers might have had a lot to do with this, duties at home had to become more balanced if two people are out working.

    I've yet to meet a guy (living with parents) that doesn't help out at home in some shape or form. I've been friends with a young guy not far off a year now, and I think he's amazing. His mum and dad works, so he'd have a dinner prepared, cleaned around the house, and took care of his younger toddler sister all day. He'd been trying to find work, and has finally got work. He still helps out where he can. And he's talking to someone who argues with the washing machine, and if it wasn't blatently obvious which side of an iron was the dangerous end, I'd be screwed. Is there something wrong with the way I was brought up? no. I was brought up washing dishes, polishing, bathroom cleaning, even was allowed to iron a few pillow cases >_>

    What I think I'm trying to say is, I wouldn't feel used if I threw a few things into the machine with my own stuff. It really is the thought that counts imo. So as far as Im concerned even if you're served a burned meal, and the washing comes out queer colours - whats behind it is love and respect for each other :)
    The ability to fly the nest is essential for me. And I don't think treating your girlfriend as a substitute mother when visiting her is exactly looking out for each other.

    You feel the OP's boyfriend is using her as a substitute mother?

    From what I can see, they have a relationship where they do nice things, small gestures for one another. It looks perfectly healthy and normal to me. If I have a wash ready to go, wheres the harm in throwing in some jocks / socks / whatever in too?

    So long as the little favours and gestures are two way then nobody is being taken advantage of imo, if these things weren't possible it would feel a little sterile to me, and I wouldn't be a happy chick tbph.


  • #48
    Distorted
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    Abigayle wrote: »
    Each to their own, I guess. Though I don't believe its true, that if a guy hasn't left home that it automatically makes him a mummy's boy. I feel it would be unfair to tar every guy with the same brush to be perfectly honest. It's only in recent decades that the expectation that women should do all the housework has changed. I think that women having careers might have had a lot to do with this, duties at home had to become more balanced if two people are out working.

    I've yet to meet a guy (living with parents) that doesn't help out at home in some shape or form. I've been friends with a young guy not far off a year now, and I think he's amazing. His mum and dad works, so he'd have a dinner prepared, cleaned around the house, and took care of his younger toddler sister all day.

    If I might expand on what I said, because its an interesting point, and relates to the post. In my social circle and amongst my peers, theres no-one still living at home even in their mid twenties. They've all been through university and are working in their first professional jobs and are mainly lawyers, doctors, engineers, teachers, etc. It would be pretty hard to do any of that without leaving home. I just wouldn't know what to do with a guy of say 25 who had never lived away from home. There would be so many things you couldn't talk to him about, because he would have no personal experience of it to share, like getting mortgages, arranging insurance, paying bills, discussing former flatmates, loads of things really. I enjoy the ambition, drive and motivation of my friends because it is like my own, and whats more, many of them have lived or studied abroad for a bit too, which IMHO makes them more interesting, well rounded people. Its also about making your own way in the world, and wanting to.

    As for the washing of the boyfriend's things, I'm uncomfortable with it. I just don't see how difficult it is for him to take fresh clothes with him when needed. It seems somehow rude, presumptive and overly-familiar (they aren't living together).


  • #49
    Novella
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    Rude and overly-familiar? To me, it seems cold to have an issue with it. Yeah, stay over in my house, have sex with me but no way in hell can you put your boxers in my washing machine? I mean, really?


  • #50
    Abi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    Distorted wrote: »
    If I might expand on what I said, because its an interesting point, and relates to the post. In my social circle and amongst my peers, theres no-one still living at home even in their mid twenties. They've all been through university and are working in their first professional jobs and are mainly lawyers, doctors, engineers, teachers, etc. It would be pretty hard to do any of that without leaving home. I just wouldn't know what to do with a guy of say 25 who had never lived away from home. There would be so many things you couldn't talk to him about, because he would have no personal experience of it to share, like getting mortgages, arranging insurance, paying bills, discussing former flatmates, loads of things really. I enjoy the ambition, drive and motivation of my friends because it is like my own, and whats more, many of them have lived or studied abroad for a bit too, which IMHO makes them more interesting, well rounded people. Its also about making your own way in the world, and wanting to.
    I don't know, I just think its wrong to exclude a guy because he simply mightn't have had the opportunity to experience the things you've listed. It's not as uncommon as you think for people in their twenties to be still living at home, to keep down their spending so they can buy a home of their own, or go travelling etc. Especially now with how things are now with the country, it just doesn't make much sense to go out renting if you can bide your time and put a few quid aside. I'm going to hazard a guess you're in around your mid-twenties yourself, because you used a 25 yo guy to use as an example. If this is the case, you might have enjoyed the benefits of the 'celtic tiger', and it sounds like you've a sensible head on your shoulders and made some good moves for yourself during this time. What we have now is a Celtic hangover, theres little work about - men and women alike are breaking the backsides trying to get work and get ahead in life, well they've their work cut out for them now.

    Sometimes there are other things to factor in as to why someone hasn't left home, or indeed might have had to return back to the family home. A guy living at home in his twenties, does not a make him a failure. Nor does it mean hes a failure if he hasn't been to university. There are plenty of people sitting on the dole now who have just been through college, can't get work because they don't have the actual work experience in their field. Is that fair? no. It's purely circumstantial that they've been thrown into the middle of it all, expected to find jobs when the country has gone A over T.

    I don't think its right to shoot a guy (or a girl for that matter) for something they mightn't have had the opportunity to experience yet. We all start somewhere, and it doesn't all happen at the same time for everyone.

    I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but just from what you've said in your posts makes me a little =/ and unless a guy meets your own personal ambitions then he's slung on the loser pile.


    As for the washing of the boyfriend's things, I'm uncomfortable with it. I just don't see how difficult it is for him to take fresh clothes with him when needed. It seems somehow rude, presumptive and overly-familiar (they aren't living together).

    I can only echo Novellas comment here.. if you're sleeping with him, you're already very familiar with him!


  • #51
    Lemming
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,148 ✭✭✭✭Lemming


    Abigayle wrote: »
    I'm going to hazard a guess you're in around your mid-twenties yourself, because you used a 25 yo guy to use as an example.

    My crystal ball is cynically guessing that Distorted graduated from college and left home at 23/24 *



    * Note: Anyone in college and living away from home has not left home ... I don't care if you lived in another country to do so, you haven't left home.


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