Now ye're talking - to a survivor of child sexual abuse

Boards.ie: Mark · 08-10-2018 2:25pm #1

Before we go any further, the subject of this AMA could be particularly upsetting to people who may have had a similar experience to our guest. If that is the case, you are not alone. There are people who can help you get through this and listen if you need to talk.

One in Four:
Ph: 01 662 4070
https://www.oneinfour.ie/i-need-help

Rape Crisis Centre:
Ph: National 24-Hour Helpline: 1 800 778 888
https://www.rapecrisishelp.ie/how-we-can-help/
https://www.rapecrisishelp.ie/find-a-service/

Our next guest was abused as a child and would like to answer your questions about that. She was abused by a neighbour at the age of 6 and then again for three years between the ages of 10 - 13 by a family member. She has suffered horribly with anxiety over the years, but is on the other side now and tries to help other adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. She is now married with children of her own.

Hector Savage · 08-10-2018 2:34pm

My God, I hope you have found some peace, I don't really know what to ask - I feel ghoulish asking.
But I hope the neighbour and family members are facing/have faced justice for their actions ?

Keep strong.

08-10-2018 2:58pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

My God, I hope you have found some peace, I don't really know what to ask - I feel ghoulish asking.
But I hope the neighbour and family members are facing/have faced justice for their actions ?

Keep strong.

Thanks Hector.

1hnr79jr65 · 08-10-2018 4:02pm

No questions from me, been down a similar road to you, just wanted to say well done for doing this, its not easy an easy thing to speak about, never will be.

May your journey forward grant you happiness from the strenght of facing your previous path with courage.

Kevin Finnerty · 08-10-2018 4:07pm

Do you think your parents knew? I ask as a parent. What are the signs we should look for in your opinion?

Selfish questions I know, huge respect to you for doing this AMA.

razorblunt · 08-10-2018 4:10pm

An incredible topic from an incredible person.
Thank you for doing this.

I'm sure every situation is different but are there are common tell tale signs we should be on the look out for if a child is at risk of sexual abuse, or has become a victim of?

sexmag · 08-10-2018 4:13pm

Congrats on moving on with your life and being strong.

My question,do you feel it has tainted your perception of sexual relations with your partner?

08-10-2018 4:15pm

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

No questions from me, been down a similar road to you, just wanted to say well done for doing this, its not easy an easy thing to speak about, never will be.

May your journey forward grant you happiness from the strenght of facing your previous path with courage.

Thank you, I also hope that you are doing good. I need to speak out I feel like it is helping with my recovery but it's certainly not easy.

Take care

08-10-2018 4:19pm

Kevin Finnerty wrote: »

Do you think your parents knew? I ask as a parent. What are the signs we should look for in your opinion?

Selfish questions I know, huge respect to you for doing this AMA.

My parents knew about the first time when I was 6. The second time I only told my mom, my dad still doesn't know. My parents had divorced by the time the second time happened.

Regarding signs to look out for it's a tough one because I am sure everyone is different but maybe not wanting to be left alone with certain people that they were once ok with being with. Changes in behaviour, acting out angry etc.

08-10-2018 4:22pm

sexmag wrote: »

Congrats on moving on with your life and being strong.

My question,do you feel it has tainted your perception of sexual relations with your partner?

Thank you. Good question, yes 100% it has affected all of my relationships. When I was younger I couldn't say no.

I am married now to a great man who is so understanding but it wouldn't bother me to never have a sexual relationship.

08-10-2018 4:27pm

razorblunt wrote: »

An incredible topic from an incredible person.
Thank you for doing this.

I'm sure every situation is different but are there are common tell tale signs we should be on the look out for if a child is at risk of sexual abuse, or has become a victim of?

Thanks. I answered something similar to this above about tell tale signs in my experience such as not wanting to be left alone with a particular person that was never an issue before and behavioural problems such as anger etc.

Try have as honest a relationship with your child as possible, answer any questions that they may ask you as honest as possible even if you feel the child is not old enough for the answer. You don't need to go into anymore detail than the child has asked for. I think this would make it much easier for your child to approach you. In my opinion.

HalloweenJack · 08-10-2018 4:27pm

Well done for putting yourself out there and talking about this topic. It isn't easy. It's taken me a long time to get to grips with my own abuse and, from the brief bio given, I can see that yours was a more long-term case.

I can't think of anything questions just now but I will keep an eye on this one and thanks for taking the time out to do it.

08-10-2018 4:43pm

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Well done for putting yourself out there and talking about this topic. It isn't easy. It's taken me a long time to get to grips with my own abuse and, from the brief bio given, I can see that yours was a more long-term case.

I can't think of anything questions just now but I will keep an eye on this one and thanks for taking the time out to do it.

Thank you. I hope you are doing ok. It has also taken me so long to try move on from my past. I'm 40 now.

Nokia6230i · 08-10-2018 5:54pm

As a survivor, what's your opinion on counselling services such as above, Better Lives programme (only available in prison I think?) and FPS who treat sex offenders but also sexual abuse survivors?

FPS have been run out of Sallynoggin & Shankhill by "activists".

Both they & 1 in 4 treat both offenders and victims; separately obviously.

Bitches Be Trypsin · 08-10-2018 11:50pm

Were you aware that what was happening was wrong?

09-10-2018 9:31am

Nokia6230i wrote: »

As a survivor, what's your opinion on counselling services such as above, Better Lives programme (only available in prison I think?) and FPS who treat sex offenders but also sexual abuse survivors?

FPS have been run out of Sallynoggin & Shankhill by "activists".

Both they & 1 in 4 treat both offenders and victims; separately obviously.

I have tried counselling but it's not for me, it makes me feel worse instead of better, I am on medication now for anxiety and it's really helping me to be able to talk now.

I don't know much about FPS so it's a hard one to answer, great that they are providing help for the victims though. I am not really sure how you would treat a sex offender.

09-10-2018 9:32am

Bitches Be Trypsin wrote: »

Were you aware that what was happening was wrong?

When I was 6 no I had no idea what was happening.

When I was between 10 & 13 yes but I just froze and let it happen, I couldn't understand why this man who I loved and trusted so much was doing this to me. I was so afraid to tell.

ILikeBoats · 09-10-2018 9:36am

Was there any connection between the two (sets of) incidents years apart?

Thanks for doing this, very brave

eurokev · 09-10-2018 9:41am

Well done for doing this, shows what a fantastic and courageous person you are.

What kind of socio-economic group would you have grown up in. Would it have been privaliged/welfare dependant/middle class?

What kind of area did you grow up in. A small town/village, rural, Urban?

Do you find from your helping others that abuse tends to happen more prevalently in certain areas of society?

Do you think people would be aware something is going on, and chose to not do something about it??

09-10-2018 9:43am

ILikeBoats wrote: »

Was there any connection between the two (sets of) incidents years apart?

Thanks for doing this, very brave

No connection at all. When I was 6 it was a neighbour they would babysit myself and my brother.

When I was 10-13 it was my Mothers partner, I classed him as family as he was like a dad to us in the beginning.

Gloomtastic! · 09-10-2018 11:50am

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

No connection at all. When I was 6 it was a neighbour they would babysit myself and my brother.

Was he a teenager? It’s still not discussed in the open but one of TUSLA’s golden rules to foster carers is never let a teenage boy babysit your kids.

Reati · 09-10-2018 11:53am

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Was he a teenager? It’s still not discussed in the open but one of TUSLA’s golden rules to foster carers is never let a teenage boy babysit your kids.

Really? I feel offended by this.

Hector Savage · 09-10-2018 11:59am

Reati wrote: »

Really? I feel offended by this.

It's a bit insulting to 99.9% of teenage boys to be honest, I had nieces and nephews a lot younger than me and would have been really hurt if I thought my uncle/aunts didn't want me around them.

Then again, better safe than sorry - it's a tough one

Gloomtastic! · 09-10-2018 12:01pm

Reati wrote: »

Really? I feel offended by this.

Then take it up with TUSLA. Good luck changing them....:rolleyes:

09-10-2018 12:01pm

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Was he a teenager? It’s still not discussed in the open but one of TUSLA’s golden rules to foster carers is never let a teenage boy babysit your kids.

No he was an adult, himself and his wife would babysit they had no kids of their own. His wife also knew what he done and stuck with him.

I have never heard that rule regarding Tusla but I know a few teenage boys that I would have no problem letting babysit my kids. That is an awful discriminating rule

09-10-2018 12:04pm

eurokev wrote: »

Well done for doing this, shows what a fantastic and courageous person you are.

What kind of socio-economic group would you have grown up in. Would it have been privaliged/welfare dependant/middle class?

What kind of area did you grow up in. A small town/village, rural, Urban?

Do you find from your helping others that abuse tends to happen more prevalently in certain areas of society?

Do you think people would be aware something is going on, and chose to not do something about it??

I grew up in a working class family in County Wicklow. This happens in all walks of life there is definitely no connection between area or class etc. I have never come across anyone knowing that something was going on and not done anything about it but I am well aware that that happens.

09-10-2018 12:05pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

It's a bit insulting to 99.9% of teenage boys to be honest, I had nieces and nephews a lot younger than me and would have been really hurt if I thought my uncle/aunts didn't want me around them.

Then again, better safe than sorry - it's a tough one

Totally agree, unfortunately you can't go through life suspecting everyone, especially family. Also it's not only boys/men that abuse

Nokia6230i · 09-10-2018 12:07pm

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

No he was an adult, himself and his wife would babysit they had no kids of their own. His wife also knew what he done and stuck with him.

I have never heard that rule regarding Tusla but I know a few teenage boys that I would have no problem letting babysit my kids. That is an awful discriminating rule

That bit; I'll never understand it; it's like there's no empathy towards the victim.

It's telling the victim they don't matter, that they're not being believed.

If that person, someone who stuck by the perpetrator, became an AMA I can imagine it being shut down quite quick; it'd be like After Hours!

Any idea why she stuck by him; how did he explain it?

Also did either of your two perpetrators face the law in any way and in any case, was there ever a push for vengeance to be meted out in absence of justice?

While I don't condone online predator hunter groups here or in UK I kind of understand why they're there; they fill a vacuum for people who feel that our justice system is letting them down in terms of sentence lengths etc.

09-10-2018 12:26pm

Nokia6230i wrote: »

That bit; I'll never understand it; it's like there's no empathy towards the victim.

It's telling the victim they don't matter, that they're not being believed.

If that person, someone who stuck by the perpetrator, became an AMA I can imagine it being shut down quite quick; it'd be like After Hours!

Any idea why she stuck by him; how did he explain it?

Also did either of your two perpetrators face the law in any way and in any case, was there ever a push for vengeance to be meted out in absence of justice?

While I don't condone online predator hunter groups here or in UK I kind of understand why they're there; they fill a vacuum for people who feel that our justice system is letting them down in terms of sentence lengths etc.

Why she stuck by him I'll never know but she knew exactly what went on, she took my brother downstairs while he done what he done.

I think the problem with the justice system is that the victim feels like they are the one on trial, they need to prove they are telling the truth instead of the abuser proving they are innocent and I feel like this is why people don't come forward. A huge percentage of abuse crimes are never reported and that needs to end. Take the Belfast rape trial for example, I know the men were found not guilty and that just needs to be accepted but they certainly were not innocent, the disgusting way that women was spoken about was vile, including in the court room, having her blood stained pants passed around the room, why would anyone want to put themselves through that.

The police were involved in the case when I was 6 but he was never convicted, he has since died. Regarding the case of when I was 10-13 I have recently had a strength to go make a statement so I'm not to sure what will happen there yet.

sweetie · 09-10-2018 12:36pm

Hi, I'm glad that you have begun to find some peace and well done on finding the strength to confront these perpetrators. I've a young daughter and my biggest fear is something like this, it's difficult to control everyone she comes in contact with. How is your relationship with your Mother now after her bringing the second abuser into your life?

09-10-2018 12:40pm

sweetie wrote: »

Hi, I'm glad that you have begun to find some peace and well done on finding the strength to confront these perpetrators. I've a young daughter and my biggest fear is something like this, it's difficult to control everyone she comes in contact with. How is your relationship with your Mother now after her bringing the second abuser into your life?

Yes I also have daughters and I worried about stuff like this but you also can't live your life like that you'd drive yourself mad. My relationship with my mom is good, it wasn't her fault she had no idea what was happening, I just wish I had have told her sooner.

Mrcaramelchoc · 09-10-2018 12:42pm

I don't have a question but i just wanted to wish you the best of luck in life and i hope you've found peace.

Gloomtastic! · 09-10-2018 12:48pm

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

Yes I also have daughters and I worried about stuff like this but you also can't live your life like that you'd drive yourself mad. My relationship with my mom is good, it wasn't her fault she had no idea what was happening, I just wish I had have told her sooner.

So she believed you straight away? That must have been such a relief. Is your father still around? Did he confront your abuser(s) at all?

Thank you for doing this AMA, you are incredibly brave.

09-10-2018 12:51pm

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

I don't have a question but i just wanted to wish you the best of luck in life and i hope you've found peace.

Thank you

09-10-2018 12:53pm

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

So she believed you straight away? That must have been such a relief. Is your father still around? Did he confront your abuser(s) at all?

Thank you for doing this AMA, you are incredibly brave.

Yes she believed me straight away, it was a huge relief. I found it so hard to tell her because I knew it was going to ruin her life.

Yes my Dad is still around, he did confront the abuser when I was 6 but he doesn't know about the other one.

CheerLouth · 09-10-2018 3:05pm

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

Why she stuck by him I'll never know but she knew exactly what went on, she took my brother downstairs while he done what he done.

This sentence alone makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry you went through this. Sending you all the good wishes

McCrack · 09-10-2018 3:51pm

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

Why she stuck by him I'll never know but she knew exactly what went on, she took my brother downstairs while he done what he done.

I think the problem with the justice system is that the victim feels like they are the one on trial, they need to prove they are telling the truth instead of the abuser proving they are innocent and I feel like this is why people don't come forward. A huge percentage of abuse crimes are never reported and that needs to end. Take the Belfast rape trial for example, I know the men were found not guilty and that just needs to be accepted but they certainly were not innocent, the disgusting way that women was spoken about was vile, including in the court room, having her blood stained pants passed around the room, why would anyone want to put themselves through that.

The police were involved in the case when I was 6 but he was never convicted, he has since died. Regarding the case of when I was 10-13 I have recently had a strength to go make a statement so I'm not to sure what will happen there yet.

Sorry now but we have an adversarial system for good reason - the evidential burden of proof is and should always be on the prosecution.

A person being accused of offences should never have to prove their innocence.

And re your aspersions on the Ulster rape trial defendants. That trial went on for weeks and a jury sat through every day and listened to the evidence and observed the witnesses/defendants and came to a decision which you should respect.

I think its a very dangerous mindset people now have when it comes to sexual assault allegations being made and the presumption of guilt and even after a trial and a not guilty verdict reached.

09-10-2018 3:53pm

McCrack wrote: »

Sorry now but we have an adversarial system for good reason - the evidential burden of proof is and should always be on the prosecution.

A person being accused of offences should never have to prove their innocence.

And re your aspersions on the Ulster rape trial defendants. That trial went on for weeks and a jury sat through every day and listened to the evidence and observed the witnesses/defendants and came to a decision which you should respect.

I think its a very dangerous mindset people now have when it comes to sexual assault allegations being made and the presumption of guilt and even after a trial and a not guilty verdict reached.

Thanks for the message, your entitled to your opinion just as much as I am entitled to mine.

09-10-2018 3:54pm

CheerLouth wrote: »

This sentence alone makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry you went through this. Sending you all the good wishes

Thank you

lassykk · 09-10-2018 4:11pm

I have nothing to ask either but just wanted to wish you the best of luck for the future

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

Why she stuck by him I'll never know but she knew exactly what went on, she took my brother downstairs while he done what he done.

This makes me sick to my stomach

I hope the perpetrators of these horrible crimes and the wife that turned a blind eye suffer/suffered horrible deaths

cuddlepunk · 10-10-2018 5:09am

Hi,you are amazing for doing this, I suffered abuse at the hands of a family member over a prolonged period. My question is, do you find you are over protective of your kids? I find I see danger everywhere and can trust very few people with them, just wondering is it the same for you?

10-10-2018 5:25am

Wow, you are truly amazing to do this. I am blown away by your strength and courage. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and having seen my abuser sent to prison earlier this year, I finally feel at peace. I wish you and your family nothing but happiness for your future. Xx

10-10-2018 9:40am

lassykk wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Thank you.

10-10-2018 9:45am

cuddlepunk wrote: »

Hi,you are amazing for doing this, I suffered abuse at the hands of a family member over a prolonged period. My question is, do you find you are over protective of your kids? I find I see danger everywhere and can trust very few people with them, just wondering is it the same for you?

I use to be very over protective, I have suffered with such bad anxiety where I also saw danger everywhere, I have a major issue with trust, I feel like everyone will hurt me eventually, it's very hard.

I have spoke to the kids about respecting their bodies etc and saying no and so on. They don't know what happened to me, maybe I'll tell them when they are adults. I have never had a babysitter for my kids, that's one thing I could never to. I would only ever leave them with a grandparent.

I hope your doing ok x

10-10-2018 9:46am

crazyb1tch wrote: »

Wow, you are truly amazing to do this. I am blown away by your strength and courage. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and having seen my abuser sent to prison earlier this year, I finally feel at peace. I wish you and your family nothing but happiness for your future. Xx

Well done to you for sending him to prison, I hope I get justice some day so I can finally close that chapter.

Also wishing you the best for your future, you can finally live now x

Larbre34 · 10-10-2018 10:32am

Thank you for your courage in doing this, I think its a valuable insight into the terrible reality for young victims of abuse at the time the abuse is happening and importantly what signs carers need to keep an eye out for.

I know its such a forefront concern for parents now in ways it wasnt when i was young and any lessons that help parents focus on proactive protection without feeling helpless or making their kids feel overly anxious.

You mentioned in different posts, that you know a few teenage boys you would be happy to have watch your kids, but that you'd never had a babysitter for them and would only let them be minded by their grandparents. Im not trying to put you on the spot, but does that mean you would in fact be very reluctant to leave them with teenage boys or even male relatives and friends of yours?

I know its a harsh enough prejudice against all young lads, but to be very honest, in the modern day where teens are exposed to porn, early sexualisation and unhealthy examples of sexual dignity and realtionships, even as someone who was thankfully never abused, I myself would only leave my kids in the care of a teenager in an absolute emergency, for the protection of both parties and for my peace of mind.

10-10-2018 10:48am

Larbre34 wrote: »

Thank you for your courage in doing this, I think its a valuable insight into the terrible reality for young victims of abuse at the time the abuse is happening and importantly what signs carers need to keep an eye out for.

I know its such a forefront concern for parents now in ways it wasnt when i was young and any lessons that help parents focus on proactive protection without feeling helpless or making their kids feel overly anxious.

You mentioned in different posts, that you know a few teenage boys you would be happy to have watch your kids, but that you'd never had a babysitter for them and would only let them be minded by their grandparents. Im not trying to put you on the spot, but does that mean you would in fact be very reluctant to leave them with teenage boys or even male relatives and friends of yours?

I know its a harsh enough prejudice against all young lads, but to be very honest, in the modern day where teens are exposed to porn, early sexualisation and unhealthy examples of sexual dignity and realtionships, even as someone who was thankfully never abused, I myself would only leave my kids in the care of a teenager in an absolute emergency, for the protection of both parties and for my peace of mind.

I have friends who have teenage boys who are lovely lads with their heads screwed on, if I had to leave my kids with one of them I wouldn't worry to much, I have never had to though as a grandparent is always available. My eldest is 16 now so I don't really need babysitters anymore anyway. My anxiety was so bad I didn't go out socially for 3 years but I am much better now

MagicThree18 · 10-10-2018 10:56am

Nokia6230i wrote: »

That bit; I'll never understand it; it's like there's no empathy towards the victim.

It's telling the victim they don't matter, that they're not being believed.

Any idea why she stuck by him; how did he explain it?

My father was tried and convicted of committing child sexual abuse. At the time there would have been people that thought that my mother, indeed all of us, "stood by him". In reality it was a lot different.

My mother subsequently said that her marriage and romantic relationship with my father ended the day she found out. But she found it within herself to be with him through the criminal process and to assist him in accepting responsibility for what he did. After that they were separated, then divorced. My Mam never skirted around the crime that he committed, but at the same time she spoke regularly about happier times in our house and her marriage.

I think her situation was complicated somewhat by the fact that my father had been brutally abused as a child, by an Irish priest, while living in England. My earliest memories at home are of my father waking up screaming and running up and down the stairs, crying and terrified, in a kind of sleep-walk. That doesn't condone his own actions, but my Mam knew the full extent of what he experienced and I don't think she could ever fully remove her support of him because of that.

It's a very difficult thing. There were times when she was suicidal, long periods of depression, times where she hated him and cursed ever meeting him. Then there were times when she'd be looking at old photos of him and reminiscing, even at a time when she'd moved on and met my step-father, a wonderful gentleman.

My own situation was something similar. Periods of depression, suicidal thoughts, complete withdrawal from my social circle. Shame. Then, for some reason, I decided I wanted to know who my father was, and I slowly and deliberately rebuilt the relationship. I could never forgive him for what he did. It's not mine to forgive. But I was able to forgive him solely for how his actions damaged my life.

Anyway, all of that is just to say that appearances can be deceptive. I've no doubt that people, maybe even friends of mine, would wonder why we just didn't sever contact with him on the day we found out and never look back. But they wouldn't have seen the existential hold the entire thing had on us for decades. Trying to understand, define and re-define ideas such as love, family, forgiveness.

In terms of having sympathy for the victim, there are people that stand by the abuser, stick their head in the sand, and almost treat the victim as the guilty party. That is absolutely reprehensible. My father's victim was always in our thoughts. We lived in a small town and knew her family and friends, so it was awkward, to say the least. We'd bump into her and we were always at pains to strike the correct balance, for want of a better expression. We didn't want to get close and make her feel uncomfortable, but at the same time we didn't want to appear to be avoiding her, because she'd done nothing wrong.

One of the happiest days of my life occurred a few years back. I met her abroad while on holiday, just a chance meeting. She was there with her husband and young family. She'd pulled through it all and created a lovely, loving life for herself. We spoke openly about what had happened, how it effected her, how it effected me (in a comparatively very minor way). She even offered her condolences for my father, who had recently passed, and said she'd prayed for him (an act of Christian forgiveness that, as a non-believer, left me speechless).

Anyway I don't mean to derail the thread with such a long post, but the OP's bravery and frankness have got me thinking back over an aspect of my family life that I'm not always brave enough to confront.

PLL · 10-10-2018 11:23pm

Hi, can’t read any of this because I was also abused too, and it’s just too much for me atm. Just wanted to send some grá from one of us to another. Hope you found a little peace. Well done on sharing your story.

Penn · 11-10-2018 12:55pm

I was wondering if there is any advice you'd give to people in the event that they found out their child had been abused? Not in terms of gardai etc, but how to treat their child. What did your family members do that you found most helpful and comforting? Is there anything you wish they would have done or not done?

sbsquarepants · 11-10-2018 1:08pm

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

My parents knew about the first time when I was 6. The second time I only told my mom, my dad still doesn't know. My parents had divorced by the time the second time happened.

Regarding signs to look out for it's a tough one because I am sure everyone is different but maybe not wanting to be left alone with certain people that they were once ok with being with. Changes in behaviour, acting out angry etc.

Firstly - I hope you're doing ok, no one should ever have to go through anything like that.

Secondly - I've been thinking for the last hour whether to type this or not, the absolute last thing I want to do is up set you - but why did / do you not tell your father? I'm a father and I would absolutely hate if one of my kids kept something like that from me.

Now ye're talking - to a survivor of child sexual abuse

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