Now ye're talking - to a survivor of child sexual abuse

Boards.ie: Mark · 08-10-2018 2:25pm #1

Before we go any further, the subject of this AMA could be particularly upsetting to people who may have had a similar experience to our guest. If that is the case, you are not alone. There are people who can help you get through this and listen if you need to talk.

One in Four:
Ph: 01 662 4070
https://www.oneinfour.ie/i-need-help

Rape Crisis Centre:
Ph: National 24-Hour Helpline: 1 800 778 888
https://www.rapecrisishelp.ie/how-we-can-help/
https://www.rapecrisishelp.ie/find-a-service/

Our next guest was abused as a child and would like to answer your questions about that. She was abused by a neighbour at the age of 6 and then again for three years between the ages of 10 - 13 by a family member. She has suffered horribly with anxiety over the years, but is on the other side now and tries to help other adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. She is now married with children of her own.

Hector Savage · 08-10-2018 2:34pm

My God, I hope you have found some peace, I don't really know what to ask - I feel ghoulish asking.
But I hope the neighbour and family members are facing/have faced justice for their actions ?

Keep strong.

08-10-2018 2:58pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

My God, I hope you have found some peace, I don't really know what to ask - I feel ghoulish asking.
But I hope the neighbour and family members are facing/have faced justice for their actions ?

Keep strong.

Thanks Hector.

1hnr79jr65 · 08-10-2018 4:02pm

No questions from me, been down a similar road to you, just wanted to say well done for doing this, its not easy an easy thing to speak about, never will be.

May your journey forward grant you happiness from the strenght of facing your previous path with courage.

Kevin Finnerty · 08-10-2018 4:07pm

Do you think your parents knew? I ask as a parent. What are the signs we should look for in your opinion?

Selfish questions I know, huge respect to you for doing this AMA.

razorblunt · 08-10-2018 4:10pm

An incredible topic from an incredible person.
Thank you for doing this.

I'm sure every situation is different but are there are common tell tale signs we should be on the look out for if a child is at risk of sexual abuse, or has become a victim of?

sexmag · 08-10-2018 4:13pm

Congrats on moving on with your life and being strong.

My question,do you feel it has tainted your perception of sexual relations with your partner?

08-10-2018 4:15pm

Sour Lemonz wrote: »

No questions from me, been down a similar road to you, just wanted to say well done for doing this, its not easy an easy thing to speak about, never will be.

May your journey forward grant you happiness from the strenght of facing your previous path with courage.

Thank you, I also hope that you are doing good. I need to speak out I feel like it is helping with my recovery but it's certainly not easy.

Take care

08-10-2018 4:19pm

Kevin Finnerty wrote: »

Do you think your parents knew? I ask as a parent. What are the signs we should look for in your opinion?

Selfish questions I know, huge respect to you for doing this AMA.

My parents knew about the first time when I was 6. The second time I only told my mom, my dad still doesn't know. My parents had divorced by the time the second time happened.

Regarding signs to look out for it's a tough one because I am sure everyone is different but maybe not wanting to be left alone with certain people that they were once ok with being with. Changes in behaviour, acting out angry etc.

08-10-2018 4:22pm

sexmag wrote: »

Congrats on moving on with your life and being strong.

My question,do you feel it has tainted your perception of sexual relations with your partner?

Thank you. Good question, yes 100% it has affected all of my relationships. When I was younger I couldn't say no.

I am married now to a great man who is so understanding but it wouldn't bother me to never have a sexual relationship.

08-10-2018 4:27pm

razorblunt wrote: »

An incredible topic from an incredible person.
Thank you for doing this.

I'm sure every situation is different but are there are common tell tale signs we should be on the look out for if a child is at risk of sexual abuse, or has become a victim of?

Thanks. I answered something similar to this above about tell tale signs in my experience such as not wanting to be left alone with a particular person that was never an issue before and behavioural problems such as anger etc.

Try have as honest a relationship with your child as possible, answer any questions that they may ask you as honest as possible even if you feel the child is not old enough for the answer. You don't need to go into anymore detail than the child has asked for. I think this would make it much easier for your child to approach you. In my opinion.

HalloweenJack · 08-10-2018 4:27pm

Well done for putting yourself out there and talking about this topic. It isn't easy. It's taken me a long time to get to grips with my own abuse and, from the brief bio given, I can see that yours was a more long-term case.

I can't think of anything questions just now but I will keep an eye on this one and thanks for taking the time out to do it.

08-10-2018 4:43pm

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Well done for putting yourself out there and talking about this topic. It isn't easy. It's taken me a long time to get to grips with my own abuse and, from the brief bio given, I can see that yours was a more long-term case.

I can't think of anything questions just now but I will keep an eye on this one and thanks for taking the time out to do it.

Thank you. I hope you are doing ok. It has also taken me so long to try move on from my past. I'm 40 now.

Nokia6230i · 08-10-2018 5:54pm

As a survivor, what's your opinion on counselling services such as above, Better Lives programme (only available in prison I think?) and FPS who treat sex offenders but also sexual abuse survivors?

FPS have been run out of Sallynoggin & Shankhill by "activists".

Both they & 1 in 4 treat both offenders and victims; separately obviously.

Bitches Be Trypsin · 08-10-2018 11:50pm

Were you aware that what was happening was wrong?

09-10-2018 9:31am

Nokia6230i wrote: »

As a survivor, what's your opinion on counselling services such as above, Better Lives programme (only available in prison I think?) and FPS who treat sex offenders but also sexual abuse survivors?

FPS have been run out of Sallynoggin & Shankhill by "activists".

Both they & 1 in 4 treat both offenders and victims; separately obviously.

I have tried counselling but it's not for me, it makes me feel worse instead of better, I am on medication now for anxiety and it's really helping me to be able to talk now.

I don't know much about FPS so it's a hard one to answer, great that they are providing help for the victims though. I am not really sure how you would treat a sex offender.

09-10-2018 9:32am

Bitches Be Trypsin wrote: »

Were you aware that what was happening was wrong?

When I was 6 no I had no idea what was happening.

When I was between 10 & 13 yes but I just froze and let it happen, I couldn't understand why this man who I loved and trusted so much was doing this to me. I was so afraid to tell.

ILikeBoats · 09-10-2018 9:36am

Was there any connection between the two (sets of) incidents years apart?

Thanks for doing this, very brave

eurokev · 09-10-2018 9:41am

Well done for doing this, shows what a fantastic and courageous person you are.

What kind of socio-economic group would you have grown up in. Would it have been privaliged/welfare dependant/middle class?

What kind of area did you grow up in. A small town/village, rural, Urban?

Do you find from your helping others that abuse tends to happen more prevalently in certain areas of society?

Do you think people would be aware something is going on, and chose to not do something about it??

09-10-2018 9:43am

ILikeBoats wrote: »

Was there any connection between the two (sets of) incidents years apart?

Thanks for doing this, very brave

No connection at all. When I was 6 it was a neighbour they would babysit myself and my brother.

When I was 10-13 it was my Mothers partner, I classed him as family as he was like a dad to us in the beginning.

Gloomtastic! · 09-10-2018 11:50am

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

No connection at all. When I was 6 it was a neighbour they would babysit myself and my brother.

Was he a teenager? It’s still not discussed in the open but one of TUSLA’s golden rules to foster carers is never let a teenage boy babysit your kids.

Reati · 09-10-2018 11:53am

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Was he a teenager? It’s still not discussed in the open but one of TUSLA’s golden rules to foster carers is never let a teenage boy babysit your kids.

Really? I feel offended by this.

Hector Savage · 09-10-2018 11:59am

Reati wrote: »

Really? I feel offended by this.

It's a bit insulting to 99.9% of teenage boys to be honest, I had nieces and nephews a lot younger than me and would have been really hurt if I thought my uncle/aunts didn't want me around them.

Then again, better safe than sorry - it's a tough one

Gloomtastic! · 09-10-2018 12:01pm

Reati wrote: »

Really? I feel offended by this.

Then take it up with TUSLA. Good luck changing them....:rolleyes:

09-10-2018 12:01pm

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Was he a teenager? It’s still not discussed in the open but one of TUSLA’s golden rules to foster carers is never let a teenage boy babysit your kids.

No he was an adult, himself and his wife would babysit they had no kids of their own. His wife also knew what he done and stuck with him.

I have never heard that rule regarding Tusla but I know a few teenage boys that I would have no problem letting babysit my kids. That is an awful discriminating rule

09-10-2018 12:04pm

eurokev wrote: »

Well done for doing this, shows what a fantastic and courageous person you are.

What kind of socio-economic group would you have grown up in. Would it have been privaliged/welfare dependant/middle class?

What kind of area did you grow up in. A small town/village, rural, Urban?

Do you find from your helping others that abuse tends to happen more prevalently in certain areas of society?

Do you think people would be aware something is going on, and chose to not do something about it??

I grew up in a working class family in County Wicklow. This happens in all walks of life there is definitely no connection between area or class etc. I have never come across anyone knowing that something was going on and not done anything about it but I am well aware that that happens.

09-10-2018 12:05pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

It's a bit insulting to 99.9% of teenage boys to be honest, I had nieces and nephews a lot younger than me and would have been really hurt if I thought my uncle/aunts didn't want me around them.

Then again, better safe than sorry - it's a tough one

Totally agree, unfortunately you can't go through life suspecting everyone, especially family. Also it's not only boys/men that abuse

Nokia6230i · 09-10-2018 12:07pm

I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA wrote: »

No he was an adult, himself and his wife would babysit they had no kids of their own. His wife also knew what he done and stuck with him.

I have never heard that rule regarding Tusla but I know a few teenage boys that I would have no problem letting babysit my kids. That is an awful discriminating rule

That bit; I'll never understand it; it's like there's no empathy towards the victim.

It's telling the victim they don't matter, that they're not being believed.

If that person, someone who stuck by the perpetrator, became an AMA I can imagine it being shut down quite quick; it'd be like After Hours!

Any idea why she stuck by him; how did he explain it?

Also did either of your two perpetrators face the law in any way and in any case, was there ever a push for vengeance to be meted out in absence of justice?

While I don't condone online predator hunter groups here or in UK I kind of understand why they're there; they fill a vacuum for people who feel that our justice system is letting them down in terms of sentence lengths etc.

09-10-2018 12:26pm

Nokia6230i wrote: »

That bit; I'll never understand it; it's like there's no empathy towards the victim.

It's telling the victim they don't matter, that they're not being believed.

If that person, someone who stuck by the perpetrator, became an AMA I can imagine it being shut down quite quick; it'd be like After Hours!

Any idea why she stuck by him; how did he explain it?

Also did either of your two perpetrators face the law in any way and in any case, was there ever a push for vengeance to be meted out in absence of justice?

While I don't condone online predator hunter groups here or in UK I kind of understand why they're there; they fill a vacuum for people who feel that our justice system is letting them down in terms of sentence lengths etc.

Why she stuck by him I'll never know but she knew exactly what went on, she took my brother downstairs while he done what he done.

I think the problem with the justice system is that the victim feels like they are the one on trial, they need to prove they are telling the truth instead of the abuser proving they are innocent and I feel like this is why people don't come forward. A huge percentage of abuse crimes are never reported and that needs to end. Take the Belfast rape trial for example, I know the men were found not guilty and that just needs to be accepted but they certainly were not innocent, the disgusting way that women was spoken about was vile, including in the court room, having her blood stained pants passed around the room, why would anyone want to put themselves through that.

The police were involved in the case when I was 6 but he was never convicted, he has since died. Regarding the case of when I was 10-13 I have recently had a strength to go make a statement so I'm not to sure what will happen there yet.

sweetie · 09-10-2018 12:36pm

Hi, I'm glad that you have begun to find some peace and well done on finding the strength to confront these perpetrators. I've a young daughter and my biggest fear is something like this, it's difficult to control everyone she comes in contact with. How is your relationship with your Mother now after her bringing the second abuser into your life?

09-10-2018 12:40pm

sweetie wrote: »

Hi, I'm glad that you have begun to find some peace and well done on finding the strength to confront these perpetrators. I've a young daughter and my biggest fear is something like this, it's difficult to control everyone she comes in contact with. How is your relationship with your Mother now after her bringing the second abuser into your life?

Yes I also have daughters and I worried about stuff like this but you also can't live your life like that you'd drive yourself mad. My relationship with my mom is good, it wasn't her fault she had no idea what was happening, I just wish I had have told her sooner.

Now ye're talking - to a survivor of child sexual abuse

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