New Jesus

Glenster · 15-12-2016 6:14pm #1

Say if someone thought they might be Jesus.

Has performed a few feats (miracles if you will) in the past, Looks great in robes and sandals, Has spoken to the deity that is their biological father, all that sort of stuff.

How would they know if they are new Jesus or are just mad?

There would be a whole lot of egg on their face if they announced it and then suddenly it became apparent that they were just delusional.

I'm asking for a friend.

everlast75 · 15-12-2016 6:17pm

*hands over 2 barrels of water*

"Merlot, please!"

Birneybau · 15-12-2016 6:19pm

I'd prefer Gandalf myself.

tupenny · 15-12-2016 6:19pm

Jurgen Klopp has a great beard and owns sandals. Lets give him a robe

Colser · 15-12-2016 6:20pm

Has he socks on with the sandals?

Cortina_MK_IV · 15-12-2016 6:21pm

I'm asking for a friend.

Is your friend 33ish wears Jerusalem Docs, have long hair and a beard and never got his hole?

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 6:21pm

If they were Jesus, then they'd have holes in their hands and feet and a big gash on their ribs. No holes? Not Jesus.

ScumLord · 15-12-2016 6:22pm

If they can perform miracles under scientific conditions.

If they can instantly cure a cancer patient in a hospital for example, where an exam has just been done to prove the cancer isn't in remission and the patient hasn't done a load of cancer treatment. They do their miracle and the person is cured.

That would go a long way.

Glenster · 15-12-2016 6:23pm

ScumLord wrote: »

If they can perform miracles under scientific conditions.

If they can instantly cure a cancer patient in a hospital for example, where an exam has just been done to prove the cancer isn't in remission and the patient hasn't done a load of cancer treatment. They do their miracle and the person is cured.

That would go a long way.

Well obviously he cant do it when unbelievers are watching.

ScumLord · 15-12-2016 6:25pm

Glenster wrote: »

Well obviously he cant do it when unbelievers are watching.

If he can't change the minds of unbelievers using his magic then he's not Jesus.

Glenster · 15-12-2016 6:26pm

ScumLord wrote: »

If he can't change the minds of unbelievers using his magic then he's not Jesus.

He could but his dad gave them free will so his hands are tied.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 15-12-2016 6:26pm

tupenny wrote: »

Jurgen Klopp has a great beard and owns sandals. Lets give him a robe

And he's a devout Christian.

Maybe he actually is the second coming of Christ.

Timberrrrrrrr · 15-12-2016 6:28pm

I am Spartacus

I mean Jeebus

I am jeebus

schizo1014 · 15-12-2016 6:30pm

"He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

corner of hells · 15-12-2016 6:30pm

Is his father an unemployed carpenter and is it possible he tied his ass to a tree and walked into town ?

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 6:31pm

When Jesus DOES come the second time, it'll be a supernatural event, he'll float down from the sky type of thing. He wont be just walking around like a normal fella the way he was 2016 years ago.

Timberrrrrrrr · 15-12-2016 6:38pm

me_right_one wrote: »

When Jesus DOES come the second time, it'll be a supernatural event, he'll float down from the sky type of thing. He wont be just walking around like a normal fella the way he was 2016 years ago.

Don't you mean IF ?

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 6:39pm

Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »

Don't you mean IF ?

No I mean WHEN. YOU dont have to believe, but I do.

Timberrrrrrrr · 15-12-2016 6:40pm

me_right_one wrote: »

No I mean WHEN. YOU dont have to believe, but I do.

I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you

Didas · 15-12-2016 6:40pm

me_right_one wrote: »

When Jesus DOES come the second time, it'll be a supernatural event, he'll float down from the sky type of thing. He wont be just walking around like a normal fella the way he was 2016 years ago.

I heard the Flying Spaghetti Monster will come with him this time

Lady Spangles · 15-12-2016 6:40pm

Wasn't Jesus meant to float back down from the sky in the year 2000? I suppose he's just fashionably late.

MEGA BRO WOLF 5000 · 15-12-2016 6:42pm

me_right_one wrote: »

When Jesus DOES come the second time, it'll be a supernatural event, he'll float down from the sky type of thing. He wont be just walking around like a normal fella the way he was 2016 years ago.

I wouldn't hold my breath.
Do you also believe in fairies, unicorns and Santa Claus?

D3V!L · 15-12-2016 6:43pm

Lady Spangles wrote: »

Wasn't Jesus meant to float back down from the sky in the year 2000? I suppose he's just fashionably late.

An omnipotent being doesn't have concept of human time and space. I'm sure if Jesus comes to us again it'll be when the time is right and not according to a calendar entry.

ScumLord · 15-12-2016 6:48pm

D3V!L wrote: »

An omnipotent being doesn't have concept of human time and space. I'm sure if Jesus comes to us again it'll be when the time is right and not according to a calendar entry.

He should have a concept of human time and space considering he supposedly made both time and space, and humans. He also spent 30 years as a human, and considering he's planning out everything into the future he'd want to have a good grasp of it.

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 6:49pm

Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »

I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you

Hugh Mungus wrote: »

I wouldn't hold my breath.
Do you also believe in fairies, unicorns and Santa Claus?

I'm not. But I KNOW I'm going to die someday, and I'm pretty sure there will be some sort of assessment of my life by Jesus. My actions will then determine whether or not I get into Heaven.

Do not mock. Every one of you will die aswell.

corner of hells · 15-12-2016 7:00pm

ScumLord wrote: »

D3V!L wrote: »

An omnipotent being doesn't have concept of human time and space. I'm sure if Jesus comes to us again it'll be when the time is right and not according to a calendar entry.

He should have a concept of human time and space considering he supposedly made both time and space, and humans. He also spent 30 years as a human, and considering he's planning out everything into the future he'd want to have a good grasp of it.

Ahem , was he not 33 when he popped his clogs ?

Cortina_MK_IV · 15-12-2016 7:13pm

corner of hells wrote: »

Ahem , was he not 33 when he popped his clogs ?

Were they not sandals?

Omackeral · 15-12-2016 7:21pm

me_right_one wrote: »

I'm not. But I KNOW I'm going to die someday, and I'm pretty sure there will be some sort of assessment of my life by Jesus. My actions will then determine whether or not I get into Heaven.

Do not mock. Every one of you will die aswell.

What makes you so sure? What do you base that on? What about poor auld tribesmen in the Amazon that have never heard of Jesus? Fairly lucky of you to be born into the right religion wasn't it?!

loobylou · 15-12-2016 7:25pm

He's already here and living in Australia.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVw0eFmnQtM

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 7:26pm

Omackeral wrote: »

What makes you so sure?

I'm not. But I am consciously choosing to believe.

Omackeral wrote: »

What do you base that on?

The Bible. Read it, THEN comment. Makes me laugh when people spout sh1te like experts when they havent been at Mass in years and never even read the Gospels.

Omackeral wrote: »

What about poor auld tribesmen in the Amazon that have never heard of Jesus? Fairly lucky of you to be born into the right religion wasn't it?!

Its in the Bible- basically they're exempt, but they will still be judged on whether or not they were arseholes to other people.

9or10 · 15-12-2016 7:27pm

ScumLord wrote: »

If they can perform miracles under scientific conditions.

If they can instantly cure a cancer patient in a hospital for example, where an exam has just been done to prove the cancer isn't in remission and the patient hasn't done a load of cancer treatment. They do their miracle and the person is cured.

That would go a long way.

And maybe cure the odd amputee here and there, and maybe go on to explain why an all powerful god who loves us would create a world with children's bone cancer.

And why an all powerful god who wants us to worship him, would communicate through a 2000 year old book written in in ancient greek.

- for starters

Steve012 · 15-12-2016 7:29pm

Cortina_MK_IV wrote: »

Is your friend 33ish wears Jerusalem Docs, have long hair and a beard and never got his hole?

ha ha!! pmsl .....

Omackeral · 15-12-2016 7:33pm

me_right_one wrote: »

I'm not. But I am consciously choosing to believe.

You said you were fairly sure. I went with that as my reason for asking.

me_right_one wrote: »

The Bible. Read it, THEN comment. Makes me laugh when people spout sh1te like experts when they havent been at Mass in years and never even read the Gospels.

Makes me laugh when people make assumptions about people they know nothing about. I was in Mass last Sunday as it happened, supervising people in my care. When the priest says ''the great mystery of this faith'' I can't help but laugh. That's basically saying it's all a bit wishy washy. Also, how do you know which branch of Christianity is correct? Catholic, Protestant, Jehovah's Witness, Mormons?

me_right_one wrote: »

Its in the Bible- basically they're exempt, but they will still be judged on whether or not they were arseholes to other people.

Oh yes the Bible, the man made book of repute. If anyone wrote a new Gospel today they'd be considered an absolute mad man. If a woman said an angel got her up the duff, she'd be laughed at. Gas how none of these miracles happen in the age of the Smartphone isn't it!

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 7:45pm

Omackeral wrote: »

Makes me laugh when people make assumptions about people they know nothing about.

Same here. Thats why I dont do it.

Omackeral wrote: »

Also, how do you know which branch of Christianity is correct? Catholic, Protestant, Jehovah's Witness, Mormons?

Well I'm going with Catholic, because its the original. The rest were made up afterwards.

Omackeral wrote: »

Oh yes the Bible, the man made book of repute. If anyone wrote a new Gospel today they'd be considered an absolute mad man. If a woman said an angel got her up the duff, she'd be laughed at. Gas how none of these miracles happen in the age of the Smartphone isn't it!

You're dead right its manmade, Jesus was a man! Christians were considered mad men those times too, nobody believed Mary and even aul Joe was going to fcuk her out.

Look, I choose to believe, you dont have to, jog on.

Omackeral · 15-12-2016 7:48pm

Ha ok. Tell Jesus I said hi when he returns from the dead again or seperates himself from being a weird trio with his own father and some holy ghost. Oh and tell him to tell his da to stop giving kids cancer. K Thanks bye

Allinall · 15-12-2016 7:54pm

If he can post in Motors and After Hours without getting banned then he's the real deal.

J Mysterio · 15-12-2016 7:56pm

I'm Jesus and so's my wife.

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 7:56pm

Omackeral wrote: »

Ha ok. Tell Jesus I said hi when he returns from the dead again or seperates himself from being a weird trio with his own father and some holy ghost. Oh and tell him to tell his da to stop giving kids cancer. K Thanks bye

You can tell him yourself when you meet him. Jesus didnt give cancer to kids, modern life which you helped create did - and he's gonna ask you what YOU did to prevent it?

Ulysses Gaze · 15-12-2016 8:00pm

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

And he's a devout Christian.

Maybe he actually is the second coming of Christ.

If he wins the title he will be.

Didas · 15-12-2016 8:01pm

me_right_one wrote: »

You can tell him yourself when you meet him. Jesus didnt give cancer to kids, modern life which you helped create did - and he's gonna ask you what YOU did to prevent it?

No he's not. He's a man who has been dead 2000 years

kirb42 · 15-12-2016 8:03pm

everlast75 wrote: »

*hands over 2 barrels of water*

"Merlot, please!"

We could do with him, When can he start....

Fleawuss · 15-12-2016 8:06pm

everlast75 wrote: »

*hands over 2 barrels of water*

"Merlot, please!"

Cant be done.

Request has to be made by a Virgin.

Steve012 · 15-12-2016 8:07pm

me_right_one wrote: »

You're dead right its manmade, Jesus was a man! Christians were considered mad men those times too, nobody believed Mary and even aul Joe was going to fcuk her out.

Where did ya hear that from, Joe wanted her to leave !?! in z bible was it?!

Rented Mule · 15-12-2016 8:09pm

Cortina_MK_IV wrote: »

Is your friend 33ish wears Jerusalem Docs, have long hair and a beard and never got his hole?

Mary Magdalene would say otherwise.

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 8:09pm

Steve012 wrote: »

Where did ya hear that from, Joe wanted her to leave !?! in z bible was it?!

Yep. He wasnt happy at all. Have a read of it yourself if you dont believe me.

Steve012 · 15-12-2016 8:11pm

me_right_one wrote: »

Yep. He wasnt happy at all. Have a read of it yourself if you dont believe me.

I believe ya!, poor auld Joe, I often thought that when I was a wee one. He must of thought she cheated.

me_right_one · 15-12-2016 8:28pm

Steve012 wrote: »

I believe ya!, poor auld Joe, I often thought that when I was a wee one. He must of thought she cheated.

It gets better. They weren't married at the time, so Joe thought that he might be accused of raping her. If she wasnt leaving, then he would. He was getting ready to leggit. Different times, same problems.

So the whole myth about the Catholic Church being anti-single mothers and anti-unmarried sex etc. is utter, utter, bollox. Usually espoused by those who know nothing about the church or the Bible. Jesus himself was born to an unmarried mother.

Cortina_MK_IV · 15-12-2016 8:30pm

It'd make a great episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Glenster · 15-12-2016 8:35pm

This whole thing seems like its generating a lot of fuss, hes a pretty chill guy, he doesnt really do conflict.

This might all be a bit much for him. I'll recommend that he lays low for a while and when he does come out as jesus I'll tell him to do the whole float from the sky thing if everyone thinks it will help.

SEPT 23 1989 · 15-12-2016 8:44pm

He is going to be angry as fcuk over the treatment he got the last time he was here

Pherekydes · 15-12-2016 9:00pm

Em, guys, we've already had the second coming. He died and two days later he rose from the dead. That's it. That's the whole shebang. No more coming back, especially after 2000 years.

And he won't be judging anyone. He's dead.

New Jesus

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