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Were You In Love Or Did You Just Settle For What You Had?

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,640 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    bunny_mac wrote: »
    I totally agree, but the key phrase there is 'if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you'. I'd much rather be single than be with the wrong person, but there are a lot of people out there who think it's more 'normal' to settle than to stay single. I've even had my (married) sister try to persuade me to 'lower my standards'. I mean, WTF?

    I get you on the settling thing. I don’t know how prevalent it really is, but I wouldn’t be too harsh on people who go that route.

    Some people just aren’t wired to be alone and simply do better with a partner, even if that person isn’t their ideal. It mightn’t be for you (or I), but I definitely understand it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,349 ✭✭✭Zak Flaps


    bb1234567 wrote: »

    My own grandparents really have stirred such hatred within me towards pressure on people marrying for the sake of it. They are typical couple of their time in Ireland, 60 years ago, marry whoever is presentable uncontroversial local girl/boy choice and marry at the soonest time possible. Then land yourself a clatter of children within 5 years of the marriage and even if you are unhappy you may put up with it because divorce is just off the table. They lived completely separate lives under the same roof for their 60 years together, barely spoke. What is the point of forcing that. They didn't even force, they just put up with it, no effort from either to make the situation more enjoyable and liveable. They didn't even fight really, just completely indifferent. May well have been pieces of furniture to each other. WHY. I could never understand it even as a child. What a way to spend your life. Depresses the hole off me

    Did your grandparents tell you this?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,279 ✭✭✭✭Potential-Monke


    That's completely normal though and in many cases, essential. You need to clear the air from time to time. Every relationship is different but I'd be worried if there were no disagreements from time to time; I don't want a Stepford Wife.

    One thing I will say is one should never go to bed angry with your partner, there is no need for the argument to last days on end. I strongly dislike drama so prefer honest communication (and active listening) on whatever matter is causing conflict.

    See, to me it should never get to that point, because if it does, something went wrong a while ago and wasn't addressed. Everyone knows, and advises that communication is key, but still very few practice it. I've personally found the best way is to make a smart arse comment about something that is irking you, or something that happened, and a natural discussion can happen from it. Instead, people let it fester and build up and then lash out. That's not healthy to me.

    One of the few actual (non-physical) fights I've had was drink fuelled and I spent the next week apologising and making up for it, because it was a non-issue that I let fester, only over the space of a few hours, because of the drink, instead of my usual approach. I just think it's a waste of energy and time, and will change a persons feelings over time too.

    It's the simplest of things, but mention something as soon as it irks, and clear the air there and then. They're not disagreements unless it devolves into one, but that's up to both sides to not let it, and should never go beyond that. If it does, to me, there are bigger issues and if it persists it's not worth the hassle.

    I agree with your second point!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Don't judge other people's relationships and don't assume they are settling. How do you know that anyway?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,513 ✭✭✭bb1234567


    Zak Flaps wrote: »
    Did your grandparents tell you this?

    No their children did and also I have eyes and ears of my own


  • Registered Users Posts: 235 ✭✭Ms. Newbie18


    Ah I've heard the "you really need to lower your standards" from people more times than I can count...

    Since when is having a set of standards a bad thing?

    I'd rather continue to single and happy than be in a relationship and feel like crap.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,460 ✭✭✭pgj2015


    my standards have risen as I got older, because I prefer being single, it will want to be a fantastic woman to get me to change my mind.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,960 ✭✭✭billyhead


    I don't settle for second best. I'm not fussy but I wouldn't just settle for someone with a heart beat.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭bunny_mac


    Mod:<<SNIP>>

    Well, don't you sound like a catch! :rolleyes:


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    bunny_mac wrote: »
    Well, don't you sound like a catch! :rolleyes:

    :D


  • Posts: 5,369 [Deleted User]


    I married based on compatibility instead of looks.

    Looks and sex take a back seat to kids and life so you better like the person getting into bed beside you a lot more than you fancy them


  • Registered Users Posts: 217 ✭✭Count Down


    Ok I see now what you mean.
    You hardly resent being born though. Are you not glad?
    On the plus side, myself and a lot of people my age had children we never planned and it was not unknown for women to be upset to be pregnant again. But that was just a reaction at the time and those children were loved and cherished the same as those who were planned.
    I really hope that was the case with you.


    It's all to do with genetics - if your parents don't have children, it's unlikely that you'll have any either.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 28,928 ✭✭✭✭_Kaiser_


    Hamachi wrote: »
    Many people are very happy being single

    This is true, and I agree with an earlier comment that you need to be happy by yourself/with your own company, before you can be happy with someone else.

    The biggest issue about being single though is Irish society is biased towards couples/marriage - things like mortgages/home ownership, taxation, child access/rights for single fathers etc


  • Posts: 5,369 [Deleted User]


    This is why most married people have bad sex lives.

    Well it's called being a grown up parent really.

    Studies have shown that married people actually have more sex


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    ...most married people have bad sex lives.

    Do they?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    _Kaiser_ wrote: »
    This is true, and I agree with an earlier comment that you need to be happy by yourself/with your own company, before you can be happy with someone else.

    The biggest issue about being single though is Irish society is biased towards couples/marriage - things like mortgages/home ownership, taxation, child access/rights for single fathers etc

    I don't know if the mortgage issue is necessarily a "society" issue rather than just a financial one. The housing market has just gone so bananas that it's impossible to buy on one salary, whereas previous generations could.

    I agree with you on the other points.


  • Posts: 5,369 [Deleted User]


    Count Down wrote: »
    It's all to do with genetics - if your parents don't have children, it's unlikely that you'll have any either.

    This deserves more credit


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭0lddog


    What about poor Melinda & Bill ... settle ? :(
    ...Studies have shown that married people actually have more sex*

    * - not necessarily at the same time ?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 556 ✭✭✭shtpEdthePlum


    I'd like to see the details of those studies and if all factors are considered. Also, quality is more important than quality in my opinion. I'd prefer to have passionate sex once a month than routine starfish sex 10 times per month.
    Ah in fairness the suction cups are kinky.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    I love my husband. I'm either mad about him, or mad at him.


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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    0lddog wrote: »
    What about poor Melinda & Bill ... settle ? :(



    * - not necessarily at the same time ?

    Or with the same person?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,189 ✭✭✭Cilldara_2000


    pgj2015 wrote: »
    my standards have risen as I got older, because I prefer being single, it will want to be a fantastic woman to get me to change my mind.

    This tbh.

    And the longer I go on, the more I prefer paddling my own canoe.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,640 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    _Kaiser_ wrote: »
    This is true, and I agree with an earlier comment that you need to be happy by yourself/with your own company, before you can be happy with someone else.

    The biggest issue about being single though is Irish society is biased towards couples/marriage - things like mortgages/home ownership, taxation, child access/rights for single fathers etc

    100%.

    Another thing to consider here is that Irish culture is hard-wired towards marriage and family life. For all the media commentary about modernity and individualism, the fact remains that Irish society is still pretty conservative.

    People who remain single after a certain age are seen as vaguely eccentric. It’s very different in some of continental Europe, where being single in your 30s, 40s or older is entirely unremarkable.

    I love living in Ireland and I love being married. However, if I was single at my age (late 30s), I’d seriously consider relocating to London or Berlin for a more vibrant social life as a single man.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Marry for love in your 20's..............

    Marry for financial security, social status, 3 holidays and a new car every year... in your 30's
    I WANT IT ALL! :p

    TBH i just want TRUE love ..the real deal.


  • Registered Users Posts: 235 ✭✭Ms. Newbie18


    This tbh.

    And the longer I go on, the more I prefer paddling my own canoe.

    Agreed. You can get very used to being by yourself. So when dating if someone doesn't excite me I kinda think whats the point?


  • Registered Users Posts: 235 ✭✭Ms. Newbie18


    I WANT IT ALL! :p

    TBH i just want TRUE love ..the real deal.

    Yep - I can't settle for anything else.


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