[Writing Contest] - THE ARENA

I picked Alfa Beta - although I was thinking the whole time "there's some twist to this" and it was a little cheesey.

Fudge Brace - I just didn't believe that someone would walk out like that, it seemed too easy. I don't think you showed how close to the edge she was before she finally gave in and walked out. And how quickly she felt relieved - I don't think anyone would feel like that after making what I would think was such a difficult decision to make.

As usual two great pieces, both deserving to win.

FB's was beautifully written and I was sure must have been written from personal experience, right up until the last paragraph. The sudden change didn't work for me. I know the ending was needed to fit the theme but if you change it or even omit it completely you have a beautiful piece of writing to be proud of.

I loved Alpha's tone and didn't see the twist coming at all.

Congratulations to you both.

Sometimes . . . sometimes, yeah, well you have to let a comment breathe a little before a reply. In this instance, I figured alfa beta and Fudgebrace needed some breathing space to write their stories, so rather than monopolise the thread during a competition, I went off to visit John for a while. I had a few questions that I needed him to make rhetorical for me. In the meantime, KABLOOEY (sorry for shouting) threw up 2 more stories, rather than continuing the magic story that I liked so much. I guess I will eventually comment on the mousey "fear based meme" that he/she then promulgated on that thread directly, but I mention it here because alfa beta suffered from "fear based meme" effects after his little fender bender; no victims, the kid and the dog were not "freaked out" by death, and the only injury was to the car.

Did you notice the reference to wine in my link above?

Agent Weebley mentioned "wine" to me yesterday. He is posted (no pun intended) on The Daily Bell right now. Oh, he also says "hi" and "onwards and upwards" to you all. He also gave Kudos to alfa beta's comments on hcass' story writing abilities. He again mentioned that story you wrote, hcass. He loves it to bits - and he would love for Agent DelKey to meet Gaia. They could compare notes (them eat them.) Agent DelKey looks a lot like Fi Fi. Remember Fi Fi?

Where was I? Oh yes, "wine." Agent Weebley posted a message to Chris Becker and Anthony Wile - a comment on their interview last weekend. The article was about Africa, and just as juicy as the Anglo Irish tapes. Buried at the end of Agent Weebley's comment and shameless plug for boards.ie, was a video made by Faza Nelly just before he was killed. At 1:16 Faza Nelly says: " I demand that the poor get that wine."

Oh my, I seem to be going off the rails on my preamble to my comment about the Fudgebrace and alfa beta stories; I had better get back on track. Let me finish my thought first? So here I am talking to John. I was a bit busy at the time, so I asked him what the next step was. He gave me nothing, so I said "Thx," which is short for "thanks," but I added 1138 afterwards, which makes "Thx 1138." Why I did that, I do not know. He replied: "and Winnie-the-pooh"

The reason I mention it, is that I was thinking about my new magical abilities - running along the lines of Nerfy's new found similar magical skills, and Agent Weebley's age-old much QED'ed magical skills, and I was wanting to play "I Have The Touch" by The Angel Gabriel. I typed it in and the top result was this, so naturally, I clicked it.

OK, here we go:

I read Fudgebrace's story and thought it was good, but rushed. There needed to be a temporary escape, and it seemed like it was written like a permanent escape. A Mum and daughter that love each other wouldn't permanently split like that. I love my Mum forever, no matter what. I'd like to see a re-write that explained it a little better. Notice how the Thx 1138 video ends in an escape into the Sunlight in much the same way?

With respect to alfa beta and the thieving - no, giving Santa. I loved it! A polar opposite to the fear-based dry run "escape" story. Nice. It got my vote.

Do you want to know what my question was to John? All of us have been talking about it all week: how to distribute MetaFlorin to all Irish people equally, like Santa. Oh crap. John gave me the answer.

I just got it.

He referred me to Merseybeat Magazine and said: "Bill Harry." Gotta go - we have some writing to do.

Went for FudgeBraces story, perhaps because I have relatives who had to deal with Alzhemiers. The end was a little odd though, but perhaps it's more a fantasy for the character than the reality.

The voice for alfa beta's story wasn't as well developed as it could have been (seemed half-cockney, half something else) and I didn't like the twist at all I'm sorry to say

Went for alfa beta's in the end. Although I probably preferred FudgeBrace's style, it seemed like you were trying to fit a lot of story into the short word count. This made it seem a little rushed- ironic considering it seemed to be alfa beta writing down to the wire!
Both great pieces, but I think the contrast in the endings pipped it for AB.

By the way I'd like to throw in a challenge...do I have to join the queue?

So that means I'm challenging Alfa? Ill wait to see if I'm jumping the queue and what suits Alfa too.

thanks for all the comments. didnt think that story would win. think kaiser nailed it re the nartators voice. but hey!
also very impressed with the first three quarters of fbs piece. your writing is getting stronger all thr time fudge.

ok im ready when you are achilles. throw up a topic and we'll get cracking. on hols at the mo with family so dont worry if i take a while to get back to you - not gonna be online too much - also will be writing on my phone so please ignore typos.

Sorry was drowning my sorrows yesterday after Kildare were humiliated!
Grand sure ill throw up the topic now and whenever you're ready we'll take it from there.

Pressure

Am I the only one thinking - "let the man enjoy his holiday with his family"

Ok I'm throwing mine up beacuse I'm in work from three.
Pressure
He stood at the gnarled oak door, trepidation written across his face. On the far side of the door, he could hear city traffic, and imagined it slowing as it passed his gate, straining to catch a glimpse of the recluse. He could feel their eyes on him, silently judging. Swallowing, he reached shakily for the handle, then recoiled. Maybe he should stay in? He’d made it as far as the door today- it was progress. The panic swelled up again in his chest, came crashing at him in waves. He could feel the pressure built up in his head, could sense the blood churning around. It was silly and irrational he knew, not being able to step outside his front door. But how could he face the world? Three weeks. Three weeks since he’d lost his wife to the rabid beast that was cancer. His hand still hovered skittishly in the air and he willed it forward, felt the coolness of the brass knob. Bile rising in his throat, he turned it.
Outside it was a cool, overcast day. He took in his surroundings. Traffic passed, but didn’t slow. Nobody stared or pointed or stood in waiting for him to break down. He took a step forward, playing the part of Neil Armstrong. The grass of his front lawn needed mowing, perhaps for the last time this year. Leaves the colour of too-old saws scampered across the path. He began to make his way down that same path. It hit him again. Hard. He almost turned on his heel and fled back to the safe haven of home. He would have if he hadn’t been weak at the knees. Reaching to his wallet he fumbled for the small picture of Moira, caressed it with is thumb. Finding some kernel of locked away courage, he moved on again. Hermetted away for almost a month, she would have laughed at him! It was two hundred yards to the shop, surely he could make it that far? He did. All the while fighting the lump hammer threatening to cave his chest in.
The automatic doors opened before him. Should have had them at home he thought. Would have made this whole saga a lot easier. He walked the aisles furtively, terrified of a chance encounter with a well meaning friend. That could reignite his downward spiral indefinitely. He realised he didn’t want anything and he was just wandering aimlessly. He picked up some milk that was close to hand and went to the counter.
“Morning, Ian. Just the pint of milk is it?”
“Yeah, just that thanks.” No pity, no condescension, don’t ask me how I’m coping. I’m not coping. How would I be? Just a simple transaction please.
“Ok, see you soon.”
He took his change and left. Walking out the front doors, he felt ridiculously buoyed by the experience. Like a child after learning how to tie his laces for the first time. On automatic pilot, he steered himself towards home. Almost there, and he stepped in a steaming pile of dog ****e! He didn’t care, just kept on walking with a smile on his face for the first time in over three weeks. A smile no man who had just stepped in dog ****e had a right to.

Some very good turns of phrases to Achilles' story ('Leaves the colour of too-old saws' , All the while fighting the lump hammer threatening to cave his chest in') but alfa beta's story has such genuine voice of despair that it felt more real

A few years ago I sat in a Liverpool hospital listening to my friend drown in her own sputum after far too short a lifetime of smoking.
She was full of shame and despair.

alfa beta, uncomfortable reading – close to the bone.

Legoland! That's my dream holiday ye lucky bastard.

I loved both stories equally. Very well written. BUT I had to chose one. I went for Alpha's

Why did I not choose Achilles? Well it was simply because I HAD to choose Alpha's

The story reminded me of two things. (my time in hospital earlier this year when I too nearly died) But mostly of the time my dear and much missed mum was in hospital thanks to the killing effect of smoking. She stopped smoking instantly after decades of indulging, but a few (far too few) weeks later she passed away.

The emotions are still there and Alpha's story took them and twisted them up inside, By the end I actually had tears in my eyes.

I had to vote for it.

You didn't have it bookmarked? :eek: