Outside perspectives would be great!

LegacyUser · 01-05-2016 11:30AM #1

A regular here but going anon for this-risk of being identified. I have to say I'm a bit shocked re the following situation and could do with some outside perspectives as my head's in a bit of a spin, to say the least. He's 24 (lives at home) and I'm 23- both professionals.

Basically, my boyfriend of 5 months didn't turn up for our usual Fri/Sat night dates the w/e before last. Because he's normally so reliable and consistent and straight-forward, I called him mid-week. He told me he'd fallen asleep on the Fri but he'd be over on the following one. He never showed up again. Again I called mid-week asking about what happened and he told he hadn't felt like it!! He sounded a bit off with me. When I asked if he wanted to finish it (my initial instinct but I always see the worst in sits like this) he said 'Not really!' Owing to the fact I was a bit shocked and hurt by his behaviour I tended to be a bit matter of fact with 'OK' 'Fine' type answers, never asking what was wrong etc. I'm also quite a proud person.

Now, looking back (initial thoughts) I find this so hard to understand as a few weeks ago for eg he misunderstand something I said to mean I wanted to finish it and he looked terrible. Also on another occasion shortly before this when I cancelled (had a really bad week and was so tired) he came over looking so concerned. to spend the evening in with me. He is a bit on the sensitive side though. On the other hand we've been having a few problems with the sexual side of things and I'm afraid he could well be feeling sexually rejected by me re an incident a week or so ago, which isn't the case at all. I'm very attracted to him but not very sexually experienced though not sure I've been the best at communicating these sentiments to him. He stays over at my place all the time and is extremely respectful of my wishes. Altogether a great guy in this area.

Not sure exactly what I'm dealing with here or how to proceed with this one as never been in this situation before. I've read about ghosting but not sure if it applies here. A friend things I should have probed further when I called him on last two occasions. She thinks he's a great guy.

njs030 · 01-05-2016 02:14PM

How often do you speak to this man? It all sounds quite strange that on two occasions he didn't turn up to see you, didn't contact you and you didn't ring him for days. That's quite a casual sounding relationship.

It's not acceptable for someone to just not turn up when you have arrangements, at the very least he should have called to cancel, he doesn't sound too bothered about the relationship...sorry Op.

bee06 · 01-05-2016 02:26PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

How often do you speak to this man? It all sounds quite strange that on two occasions he didn't turn up to see you, didn't contact you and you didn't ring him for days. That's quite a casual sounding relationship.

It's not acceptable for someone to just not turn up when you have arrangements, at the very least he should have called to cancel, he doesn't sound too bothered about the relationship...sorry Op.

Yeah, I find this quite strange too. If I'd been stood up I'd be straight on to him to find out what the story is.

OP, I think a full and frank discussion is needed about what's going on. You're not going to find out any other way.

Ursus Horribilis · 01-05-2016 02:33PM

I get the impression that you (and perhaps him) are dancing around each other rather than communicating normally. There seems to be an awful lot of assumptions and unsaid things going on here. The behaviour from both of you on that first no-show weekend is a bit odd if you don't mind me saying. I can't understand why he couldn't have let you know that he wasn't going to be coming. Even a text would've done. Then, despite him being your boyfriend you didn't speak to him for a few days? Then he goes and stands you up again (am I reading this right?)

His answer to your question is odd too. "Not really" is about as wishy washy as it gets. It was the ideal opportunity for him to say he didn't want to break up and to do something to make up for the no shows. It's making me wonder does he want to break up but doesn't have the guts to pull the plug?

Calypso Realm · 01-05-2016 08:02PM

Actually I'm wondering if the real reason he failed to show up is because he was/is annoyed with you for some reason. Very immature I know but it's possible he was sounding you out/testing your reaction. (If he was ghosting he wouldn't have taken your call at all). Then when you called him in a very 'casual' manner, never asking what was wrong a few days later it may not have helped at all. Agree with others about need for proper communication on both your parts.

CaraMay · 01-05-2016 09:48PM

It's only 5 months and you are young. Don't pit up with this crap at your age. The world is your oyster and you don't need Messers like this.

Augme · 01-05-2016 11:16PM

You cancelled on him, then he misunderstood that you wanted to break up and then he felt sexually rejected a few weeks later. You didn't really explain much about these situations but if these happened close together and you didn't properly clarify things he might be assuming you're not that interested and has just given up a bit himself. Put your pride to one side and sit down with him and have a conversation about things, like adults.

racso1975 · 02-05-2016 07:17AM

I find it odd you wait to mid week to contact him? If the deal is he's calling over on a Friday and does not show would ya not ring/text him if only to make sure he's ok and not had some accident.

As said above talk to each other. Learn how to communicate about the bad stuff and to talk when annoyed wih each otheras opposed to sulking or glossing over things.

Lavinia · 02-05-2016 09:38AM

if it was you who cancelled it first he may have felt hurt and so didn't show up in retribution. I know its really immature and childish behaviour but crossed my mind.
To me it seems as both of you are testing each other and no one wants to admit if you are committed to this relationship or not.

02-05-2016 11:27AM

OP, when you said he didn't call over for your usual Fri Sat night dates, did you mean call to your house?
Do ye go out on dates?
Do you just sit in?

TBH, it doesn't sound like a relationship at all, if this is the case, more like a casual fwb situation, especially as you didn't ask him why he didn't show up until midweek.
If I was waiting to go on a date Friday night & my boyfriend was a no show, Id be ringing him after half an hour to see where he was, if he was OK etc

LegacyUser · 02-05-2016 03:10PM

OP here again-Thanks everyone for your responses. It's very valuable getting outside views as I'm finding it difficult to be objective at present.

Just to clarify a few points. Firstly we always go out on dates the exceptions being the two occasions when I cancelled Fri night dates. I've recently started a new (very demanding) job and was so tired. However, I did call him to let him know (early evening) each time. The first time was the one I referred to earlier, when he came over to mine-he lives about 10 mins drive from me- all concerned (it was like he didn't quite believe that was the real reason) and spent the night in with me. The second time he appeared to be more accepting and I just stayed in that night. We always meet up mid-week and every weekend. When he misconstrued what I said to mean I didn't wish to see him again, I did reassure him this wasn't the case. However, the look on his face told me this would have bothered him had I wished to end things. These events plus the sexual incident (I know he was peed off about and can definitely see now how he could interpret it as rejection) all happened in the last month or so. I should point out I've never had any reason to doubt his feeling for me-he's ALWAYS been extremely reliable- hence why I felt a bit blindsided by the ensuing situation. He's also basically a very nice, decent guy. Introverted.

I can certainly see now how not calling him until mid-week appeared strange but from my POV was waiting for him to call me first with an explanation. My first thoughts were he wanted to dump me (my initial reaction as I was hurt and saw the worst and as I said earlier, I've always been a proud girl and won't let someone know they've hurt me! Plus a few friends have been ghosted in the past) and I wasn't gong to chase after someone if this were the case. At any rate I knew he'd left his mobile after him at holiday home 200 miles away when we went away a few weekends prior to this so had no choice but to ring him at home. I never asked if anything was wrong only asked what happened him last weekend. Similarly on the second occasion. I did sound a bit casual. ( I was actually gutted when he told me he didn't feel like coming over but never told him!)

I completely agree about our communication skills being somewhat lacking in recent past. In addition, we're both a bit on the shy/sensitive side and looking back I believe neither wants to risk hurting the other or being hurt ourselves. Despite being quietly assertive he can be a bit nervous with me. He has tried to bring up some issues that have bothered him but I get the impression he doesn't 100% believe (or fully understand my reasons) what I tell him. I'll admit I've contributed to this as I haven't always been consistent (not that I'm lying or anything but I have changed my mind on a few occasions) Also I'm sooo tired these days since starting this new job and all this is additional stress.

Calypso Realm · 03-05-2016 10:29PM

Odus fell down wrote: »

.
His answer to your question is odd too. "Not really" is about as wishy washy as it gets. It was the ideal opportunity for him to say he didn't want to break up and to do something to make up for the no shows. It's making me wonder does he want to break up but doesn't have the guts to pull the plug?

OR it could well be the case he doesn't really want to break up but is feeling forced to owing the the OP's unwillingness or inability to address the problem's they were having in the relationship. Guys do take sexual rejection hard and OP has told us he is a bit sensitive. I'm not entirely convinced at all from what I've read he does want to end things but instead of actually communicating the reasons (again) is engaging in a last ditch attempt (using passive aggressive behaviour of the no shows) to try and force the OP to confront the issues in their relationship.

Unfortunately because the OP hadn't realised this soon enough, believing instead he wanted to end it for unrelated reasons, she failed to 'react' in the desired way, leaving it days before she contacted him and acting very casual about this whole episode, reinforcing what he may well 'believe' ie she's not that bothered about their relationship.

A classic case of two people who are interested but are not communicating. It does happen.

Turtle_ · 03-05-2016 10:51PM

Now or never, OP.. You either have to talk to him (in person) and lay everything on the table, or break up. Those sorts of dances will only ever wreck your head.

Tbh, and it's only my opinion based on the VERY limited info provided... You both sound quite insecure and a bit immature. You'd probably both be better off not in a relationship at all.

laserlad2010 · 04-05-2016 04:33PM

Turtle_ wrote: »

Now or never, OP.. You either have to talk to him (in person) and lay everything on the table, or break up. Those sorts of dances will only ever wreck your head.

Tbh, and it's only my opinion based on the VERY limited info provided... You both sound quite insecure and a bit immature. You'd probably both be better off not in a relationship at all.

Why do they need to break up? Bit drastic.

You're both at fault, you're starting to admit that you haven't behaved very well towards him (or even have messed him about, reading between the lines) and his behaviour hasn't been great.

I find it strange, however that someone who would be so concerned about you and seems quite sensitive and shy would actively avoid you. That would spell to me that he was annoyed about something, or, maybe even felt you didn't want to see him.

Just be open and honest with him so that (a) you'll know where each other stands so that if miscommunication occurs you'll still know you like each other and (b) this won't happen in the first place!

LegacyUser · 12-05-2016 12:07AM

OP Again.Thanks everyone for your thoughts and responses. Actually since I last posted, I've been for the most part abroad (working) which gave me more time to think things through. I've come to a broad conclusion I was responsible for a lot of the problems and although I don't approve of his actions, I can certainly understand why he reacted the way he did. (I was able to elaborate more to a guy friend of mine who reckons what I did could be construed as being unfair to him, even teasing him, which rather shocked me tbh, as had no idea this could be the case)

Just before I left, coincidentally I bumped into a close friend of his (though I wouldn't assume he's shared too much with him as like most guys he tends not to) who (jokingly) asked me what I'd done to him (boyfriend)) given he'd been a fairly down recently. As it happens I was in a hurry to catch the train so didn't give him a chance to say much more.

Mr. Incognito · 13-05-2016 07:22AM

You are really overthinking this.

You cancelled two Friday nights late. While he said he was okay with it, i doubt he was. So he decided to cancel two back.

I suspect its that simple

Ursus Horribilis · 13-05-2016 09:11AM

Wow. You first posted about this on 1st May. 12 days ago. From what I can see, you're no further along the line than you were then. He's your boyfriend and the person you should be able to talk to. Even with you being abroad. The pair of you badly need to sit down and have a proper clear the air talk as soon as possible. It's time to stop dancing around these issues and trashing them out in your head. What are you afraid of?

Big Bag of Chips · 13-05-2016 01:19PM

Have you spoken to HIM yet??

Outside perspectives would be great!

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