More than FWB

LegacyUser · 12-04-2016 12:58PM #1

Hey All,

Hoping for a little advice and perspective here if at all possible. Apologies if this seems a bit long winded.

A little bit of background info...I've been sleeping with a good friend (also a work colleague) for about 2 months. We were friends first and then after a work party, we slept together. A couple of weeks later, he helped me move some stuff into my new house and it happened again. The upshot is, we sat down together and spoke about what was happening and decided that we'd continue sleeping together but that's all it would be and that if our friendship came under fire from this, we both agreed we were important to each other in a friendship sense during this chat, that we'd stop sleeping together. This suited me just fine.

Fast forward a a couple of months, we're still sleeping together but something has changed a bit for me. I think it's possible I like him more than I should given our arrangement. He's said to me on numerous occasions 'you know this is going to go no further' and 'we won't be in a relationship' etc, etc. He's always been drunk when he's said this. I should point out that anytime we've slept together, we've had a few. The last time he said something like this to me, I text him the next day explaining that I knew it was just sex etc. He told me he was drunk and not to worry about what he said, that he was enjoying being with me and he just get likes that when he's drunk. From being out with him, he does tend to pick a topic to harp on about when he's drunk

All the while, our friendship has remained in tact and nobody else in our office (we work in an office of about 30 people...best kept secret in the place!) knows about 'us'.

But now, I'm wondering 'what if' and it's wrecking my head because I know he doesn't want 'more'. I don't want to impact our friendship by asking him outright and a part of me would miss the sex (it is pretty great tbf!!). I think in my heart of hearts, I know what you guys are going to say. Maybe I need to hear it from other people...

Thanks for reading you guys.

ChampagnePop · 12-04-2016 01:27PM

Firstly, I would not be so sure no one in your office knows about you, every office I've worked in has been rampant with rumours about office romances.

I think you should stop sleeping with him, tell him you are developing feelings for him so the "arrangement" has to end. You work together, don't let this get any more messy

Merkin · 12-04-2016 02:01PM

You say you don't want to impact upon your friendship by asking him but I fear that particular horse has long bolted. The minute you decide to play hide the sausage with someone then it invariably effects the dynamic of a relationship. I think he has been quite explicit in that he wants it to go no further and, when inebriated, reiterates it just to hammer home the point.

If things have now changed and you want more then you simply have to put a stop to it. Be honest. Don't go declaring undying but simply say that you're starting to fall for him a bit so it's best you stop sleeping together and maybe give each other a wide berth for the next few weeks. If the friendship is strong then you may have a chance of salvaging it but more often that not when the lines get blurred like this it is very hard to go back to how things were.

You have to be honest though, for both your sakes.

batmanrobin · 12-04-2016 02:49PM

We so often choose to ignore what people say to us and go with what we think (hoping/making excuses for) they're telling us.

He's told you, drunk and sober, that this is as far as it goes. Hear the man!

If you're developing feelings, the best thing is to lay your cards on the table and see what he says. There's no point in saying nothing while hoping he can read your mind. Please don't continue a FWB situation when you have feelings for him, it will break your heart.

jigglypuffstuff · 12-04-2016 03:53PM

headinthebin wrote: »

Hey All,

Hoping for a little advice and perspective here if at all possible. Apologies if this seems a bit long winded.

A little bit of background info...I've been sleeping with a good friend (also a work colleague) for about 2 months. We were friends first and then after a work party, we slept together. A couple of weeks later, he helped me move some stuff into my new house and it happened again. The upshot is, we sat down together and spoke about what was happening and decided that we'd continue sleeping together but that's all it would be and that if our friendship came under fire from this, we both agreed we were important to each other in a friendship sense during this chat, that we'd stop sleeping together. This suited me just fine.

Fast forward a a couple of months, we're still sleeping together but something has changed a bit for me. I think it's possible I like him more than I should given our arrangement. He's said to me on numerous occasions 'you know this is going to go no further' and 'we won't be in a relationship' etc, etc. He's always been drunk when he's said this. I should point out that anytime we've slept together, we've had a few. The last time he said something like this to me, I text him the next day explaining that I knew it was just sex etc. He told me he was drunk and not to worry about what he said, that he was enjoying being with me and he just get likes that when he's drunk. From being out with him, he does tend to pick a topic to harp on about when he's drunk All the while, our friendship has remained in tact and nobody else in our office (we work in an office of about 30 people...best kept secret in the place!) knows about 'us'.

But now, I'm wondering 'what if' and it's wrecking my head because I know he doesn't want 'more'. I don't want to impact our friendship by asking him outright and a part of me would miss the sex (it is pretty great tbf!!). I think in my heart of hearts, I know what you guys are going to say. Maybe I need to hear it from other people...

Thanks for reading you guys.

OP the bolded words speak for themselves......

To give you 2 pieces of advice that served me well

Listen to what people say, but more importantly look at what they do

A drunken reality is a skewed perception imo ......if he liked you, he'd be doing what he's doing when hes sober..further to that he'd not be opposed to being in a relationship with you (given its been months)

Take the situation as it is imo, if its becoming intensified only from your side back off as he's shown his hand...and missing sex isnt really a justification for ending up in a position which could really hurt you

Confucius say · 12-04-2016 04:04PM

Many of us of either sex, have been this guy. I know I have been, and been 100% certain you don't want to go out with them, although you may enjoy their company, they just don't tick all the boxes for you. If he wanted to be with you he'd at least try to make it happen. Are you sure this was ever a real friendship in the first place? It's certainly not just a friendship any more. Anyway, I'd be surprised if this ever goes back to being a normal friendship, if it ever was.
You should probably step back from this ASAP. It sounds like you'll be hurt anyway, but it'll only get worse if you drag it out. Good luck.

magneticimpulse · 12-04-2016 07:22PM

If you continue with the FWB it just fills in the space until he meets someone he does want a relationship with. Then you will feel even worse! it might appear he doesn't want a relationship now but when he meets a girl he does get into a relationship with - you will start to question yourself and how you let him walk all over you.

Get out of the FWB situation and cut all contact with him. If he is interested in you he will try to contact you. But if there ever is such a scenario make sure you will only enter into a relationship/going on dates scenario. Let him fall for you in such a case. However honestly I think he will never want a relationship with you - you are not his type or at least you are nearly his type - he is attracted to you but there are interests/commonalities/career/education/purpose in life/goals thing that he believes does not make you too a good fit.

If you are to look anyway good in his eyes - cut contact before you get hurt and fall for him which will just help boost his ego!

magneticimpulse · 12-04-2016 07:57PM

Silvoper wrote: »

How is she letting him walk all over her? They are enjoying friendship and sex together.

By continuing the FWB when she wants a relationship with him. Her needs from the setup are not being met because she wants more from it and has developed feelings for him. However his needs are being met and he is getting what he wants out of the scenario. Therefore the shortfall is on her side - if she continues she is just likely to develop stronger feelings and not get what she wants!

Whereas if a girl made him work to get into her bed - he would have time to develop deeper feelings - it's not always the case and there are exceptions of course. But this guy has not developed deep emotional feelings for the op either way.

Either way she needs to cut the chord now

magneticimpulse · 12-04-2016 08:25PM

Silvoper wrote: »

That's not him walking over her though, she is walking over herself if she is putting herself in a bad situation.

it goes hand in hand - she will walk over herself and he benefits from the setup. Either way she is not getting what she wants and is losing out.

ellie1 · 12-04-2016 08:31PM

You were both getting what you wanted and now things have changed for you. The best thing you can do is tell him like another person said "hey , we need to stop as I am developing feelings for you". Now you simply don't know how he will react to this but either way it works. He is either totally up for it or else you stop seeing him for a couple of months until you can rebuild a friendship. It's about taking a risk sometimes it pays off , sometimes it doesn't.

Dial Hard · 12-04-2016 08:34PM

magneticimpulse wrote:

Whereas if a girl made him work to get into her bed - he would have time to develop deeper feelings - it's not always the case and there are exceptions of course.

This is wrong on so many levels. If a guy likes you, he likes you, end of.

Sarn · 12-04-2016 08:36PM

Silvoper wrote: »

How is she letting him walk all over her? They are enjoying friendship and sex together.

Exactly. If the OP had communicated her feelings to him and he ignored them, or was stringing her along, then he would be walking all over her. There is no evidence that this is happening.

OP you either need to tell him how you feel or end your arrangement.

FortySeven · 12-04-2016 08:39PM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

By continuing the FWB when she wants a relationship with him. Her needs from the setup are not being met because she wants more from it and has developed feelings for him. However his needs are being met and he is getting what he wants out of the scenario. Therefore the shortfall is on her side - if she continues she is just likely to develop stronger feelings and not get what she wants!

Whereas if a girl made him work to get into her bed - he would have time to develop deeper feelings - it's not always the case and there are exceptions of course. But this guy has not developed deep emotional feelings for the op either way.

Either way she needs to cut the chord now

<SNIP>

They AGREED to this. Both of them. She has changed the terms and conditions and you are making out it is his fault? Please!
He didn't force, trick, manipulate or cheat her into this. He is not getting what he wants at her expense. He is getting what was mutually agreed and has no knowledge that she has changed her mind about what that is.

OP. You owe this guy some honesty. Just tell him exactly how you feel and let the cards fall where they may. Anything else is just gaming and incredibly childish.

frogstar · 12-04-2016 08:40PM

Been there. Wasted four years of my life.

Get out of the situation now before you waste your time like I did. Explain your thoughts to him and if he's still feeling the same and not wanting to get into a relationship, take the lead and leave it.

I look back now and think how stupid I was. My friends must have been sick of me thinking he was the one when in fairness to him, he was always quiet honest.

Oh and the office will generally known too!

Big Nasty · 12-04-2016 08:47PM

I've been that guy more than a few times. In each case I liked the girl well enough and there was a certain amount of chemistry there however as a poster above said they never ticked all (or even the majority) of the boxes.

Every time they expected more. Every time they got let down by me.

If you've got feelings for this dude OP I'd move on before you get seriously hurt. He may well have the world of time for you and mean you no harm but from the sounds of things you'll never be his girl, at least not the way you want.

magneticimpulse · 12-04-2016 10:33PM

headinthebin wrote: »

Hey All,

Hoping for a little advice and perspective here if at all possible. Apologies if this seems a bit long winded.

A little bit of background info...I've been sleeping with a good friend (also a work colleague) for about 2 months. We were friends first and then after a work party, we slept together. A couple of weeks later, he helped me move some stuff into my new house and it happened again. The upshot is, we sat down together and spoke about what was happening and decided that we'd continue sleeping together but that's all it would be and that if our friendship came under fire from this, we both agreed we were important to each other in a friendship sense during this chat, that we'd stop sleeping together. This suited me just fine.

Fast forward a a couple of months, we're still sleeping together but something has changed a bit for me. I think it's possible I like him more than I should given our arrangement. He's said to me on numerous occasions 'you know this is going to go no further' and 'we won't be in a relationship' etc, etc. He's always been drunk when he's said this. I should point out that anytime we've slept together, we've had a few.The last time he said something like this to me, I text him the next day explaining that I knew it was just sex etc. He told me he was drunk and not to worry about what he said, that he was enjoying being with me and he just get likes that when he's drunk. From being out with him, he does tend to pick a topic to harp on about when he's drunk

Thanks for reading you guys.

The bold is what I was getting at and people are twisting my words. I said to the op to get out before he starts walking over her! He is not interested in a relationship with the op. He has shown that he is "honest when he is drunk about not wanting a relationship" but then when sober he is trying to keep the op interested by telling her to ignore what he said about not wanting a relationship - that's the beginning of manipulation - that's the beginning of being walked over. He's words while sober and drunk differ. He is not consistent.

As for guys liking you if they like you comment - thats provide both parties get along. If either party is needy, desperate, has a dark side etc the other person is not going to stick around. Thats why i suggested the op not rush into things like sex in future and get to know someone first before getting disappointed that there is no deep meaniful emotional connection besides sex.

Shelga · 13-04-2016 04:59AM

Dial Hard wrote: »

This is wrong on so many levels. If a guy likes you, he likes you, end of.

This.

Get out now, OP. Hot and cold guys are such utter headfcuks. In fairness to this one, he's at least trying to reiterate the facts to you when he's drunk, he just doesn't have the courage to do it sober.

Been down that rabbit hole myself, wasted 2 years after he tried to talk himself into a relationship with me. I, in turn, accepted scraps as I was so infatuated with him. Ultimately it ended when he met someone who he did want a relationship with.

You deserve someone who's enthusiastic and clear that he wants to be with you from the beginning. It's really frustrating and hard for your friends too, as they can see it as clear as day. And I haven't met a person yet who's been able to keep a lid on burgeoning romantic feelings- it's pretty naive to think that's doable (not saying you necessarily think this, but in general).

Stop sleeping with him- don't kid yourself you can't possibly give up this amazing sex, and scale back the friendship massively. Really hard to do I know.

Oh and mine was a colleague and everyone in the office knew, and knew when it ended badly.

SarahMollie · 13-04-2016 10:07AM

OP, honestly is your friend here.

FWB situations are a no win as far as I'm concerned. If the sex is bad, then whats the point, but if its good (as you say it is in your case) then eventually the happy hormones it triggers in your head will start to confuse things.

Can I ask, did you ever think of this guy as more than a friend before you started sleeping with him? Maybe the sex is clouding your judgement here, but whatever the reason, its leaving you wide open to heartbreak.

As others have suggested, all you need to say to him is that its been great but you feel its time to bring it to a close because you're starting to have feelings for him, and don't want to end up hurt. He'll either want the same as you and want something more, or he'll accept your decision which means you know exactly where you stand and will have managed to walk away with your head held high and with some hope of going back to being work friends.

It might be a bit of a blow to your ego in the short term OP, but its massively preferable to the alternatives.

yellow57 · 13-04-2016 02:49PM

I don't usually post on this forum but I've been in your situation OP, I started sleeping with my best friend for almost two years and while I kept dating other people I always had feelings for him but he kept telling me that he didn't want a relationship. I ended up getting my heart broken when he found a girl that he actually wanted a relationship with and my confidence suffered hugely as a result. It took a year for me to get over him and while I still have certain insecurities, I found a guy that actually treats me with respect and loves me for who I am. I still speak to the 'ex best friend' from time to time but we will never be as close as we once were and that's what hurts the most is that I lost a really good friend from it.

I know it's easier said than done but you should probably nip it in the bud as soon as you start getting feelings because trust me, it only gets worse the longer it goes on and you deserve better than just FWB!

beks101 · 13-04-2016 04:24PM

I think guys are pretty simple with this stuff. If they like you more than just wanting to shag you, you will know. They'll make every excuse to be around you. They'll hang onto your every word. They wouldn't dream of saying or doing things that would come across as ambivalence or indifference to you.

I've never had anything more than a headfcuky hot-and-cold style fling with a guy who I couldn't figure out on that front. Someone who says he doesn't want a relationship, or is only after something casual - believe the crap out of him. Because he means it 110% and his actions will follow suit.

Honestly, I think you have too much at stake here to continue on with the current set up. Continuing with the sex will deepen your feelings and those feelings can be everything from dangerous to destructive in a work environment. What happens when he meets a girl that he likes enough to be with and it's there in the office for you to see/hear about every day? This could seriously impact your professional life as well as your mental wellbeing. If it were me I'd tell him it's a bad idea and end it before it escalates.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2016 04:37PM

Hey

Just had to chime in too as I am just recently out of a similar situation. Met a guy through work and had known him about 6 months. While I knew him his relationship ended so we got quite flirty and close. He said he didn't want anything serious..I had never done FWB before but I frankly wanted him so I threw caution to the wind and we slept together and agreed on it being casual and we'd keep it that way.

Fast forward a month into it, we are talking all the time, staying over mid-week (his invites,him initiating contact all the time etc), it seems like I like him and he likes me...but every now and then i'm put in my place and reminded that I'm not his girlfriend and he is not in any way looking for a relationship. I take it all in my stride of course,maintaining the act of the "cool" girl cos frankly you signed up to this so can't get upset with him, he wants it casual so who are you to start confronting him about it and your feelings, you know he doesn't want to know. This starts to chip away at you as you start feeling like you're not good enough. Combine this with the confusion of him acting like he likes you and your feelings are just in a complete tail spin.

Fast forward another month, I sensed he was starting to worry, he could prob sense it wasn't enough for me. I'd like to think he was thinking of my feelings but really I think he was thinking of his own back mostly. So after a few days of him going off the radar I ended it and said it wasn't fair on either of us anymore. I resented him for being cowardly and not ending it himself and it was so hard for me cos I was falling for him.

Despite him saying how we would stay friends etc none of this materialised. What has happened has made me doubt if he ever cared at all, I feel hugely betrayed by someone who said they would keep in touch with me. I didn't expect him to love me but I expected the respect, loyalty and honesty of a friend, when I was nothing but good to him and always put his feelings before mine. Its that betrayal that hurts most. Like you we had also said how important the friendship was, apparently somewhere along the way that got lost? We are not in contact and it is several months later, we have literally had the very odd exchange about trivial things. I know this is for the best really as there are too many feelings there but it is not easy. We have one or two mutual friends to make things worse.

My advice is to end it immediately, it will be awful, esp if he doesn't come after you and you realise he is obviously fine without having you in his life at all. But don't drag it out any longer. You have already relinquished control of the relationship to him, he knows it is still casual now cos he wants it that way and he is picking up on your feelings changing (hence the boundary setting comments he makes). Take the control back and make the decision. Think how much worse you would feel letting it drag out and then him ending it. You ending it only serves you best cos you walk away with dignity and if he wants you he will come after you.

Best of luck, we deserve better.
and I don't know about you but I will avoiding any future FWB's opportunities!!

HiGlo · 13-04-2016 04:55PM

beks101 wrote: »

Someone who says he doesn't want a relationship, or is only after something casual - believe the crap out of him. Because he means it 110% and his actions will follow suit.

This. I believe this is totally true.
Everyone’s situation is different, but I think if the guy tells you he only wants casual that’s because you’re not the kind of person he wants to date/wants a relationship with but still finds you physically attractive.

LegacyUser · 14-04-2016 09:34AM

Hey Everyone,

Thanks so much for the response. I really appreciate the advice. I knew myself what needed to be done but I guess I needed it to hear it from other people to. Maybe some sort of validation I was doing the right thing.

So I spoke to him last night (no drink involved) and told him that the whole FWB situation had to end as my mind was changing about what I wanted. He asked me outright what I wanted and as someone said earlier, I thought honesty was the best policy, so I told him I had developed feelings for him, that I understood his position completely and that I felt he hadn't led me on at all as he had always been upfront about what he wanted. He appreciated that and then proceeded to ask me out on a date...I thought he was doing this as a way of appeasing me and when I said this to him, out he comes and tells me that the last couple of weeks, he'd been feeling the same as me and would like to see if this could go anywhere. He said he didn't want to bring it up as he was afraid of what I would say! He may aswell have knocked me right off the chair. I couldn't believe it!

So we decided that we'd put having sex on the back burner for the time being and go on dates, spend time together out of bed and see how we get on.

So thanks so much everyone and keep your fingers crossed

Neyite · 14-04-2016 09:44AM

I just did a happy sigh when I read that OP.

Nice one!

batmanrobin · 14-04-2016 10:41AM

Ah that's great, OP! Best of luck!

Sound Bite · 14-04-2016 06:38PM

Wasn't expecting that but great outcome!! Fair play ☺

Calypso Realm · 14-04-2016 09:56PM

OP-I'm really glad to hear of your happy outcome and in particular that you were honest with him about your feelings. It certainly sounds now as if he was testing you!

Your situation reminded me of a relationship I was in some years ago (minus the sex,(!) which is something I always reserve for more serious RLs) which I ended because I believed I had stronger feelings for the guy (who was absolutely gorgeous!) and would end up getting hurt. For me the timing in particular was all wrong-I'd just graduated and jobs were thin on the ground plus some other set-backs along the way meant I wasn't in the best place for a relationship as my confidence had taken a bit of a blow in the process.

Unlike you though, I wasn't honest about my feelings when I finished it-I guess I was trying to protect myself. so instead I cited something about the RL not going anywhere or words to that effect etc. At the time he appeared to take it fairly well............I moved away shortly after and didn't see him again.

Fast forward a few years later, I bumped into one of his close friends on a night out. We got talking later about the ex and it turned out he did REALLY like me too and was heartbroken when I ended things. Since he didn't believe I was that interested, he didn't think it was worth pursuing things any further. Obviously I felt terrible at the time as I really liked this guy and felt I'd missed an opportunity. Neither of us were honest and it was sad for a while to look back on what might have been.

Katgurl · 15-04-2016 10:40AM

Ah this has put a massive smile on my face OP. Fingers crossed!

LegacyUser · 25-05-2016 02:49PM

Hello all,

Just thought I'd give you a little update on the situation. It's been over one month since I started 'dating' my FWB and over the weekend we made it official. He's my boyfriend and I'm his girlfriend

Big Bag of Chips · 26-05-2016 12:55PM

Did any of your colleagues say "Sure we knew that ages ago"?!!!

pookie82 · 26-05-2016 02:59PM

SO rare to see such a happy ending on RI ... Delighted for you!!

More than FWB

Comments