break up (temporarily)

celica00 · 12-03-2016 01:10AM #1

Hi guys,

im a bit lost and dont know what to do.

Bit of a background. Me and bf were together for 4 years (both 27).
Due circumstances form the outside and bad communication (we are no great feeling talkers) the last couple of months i withdrew but didnt realise how much i was hurting him by doing that. He is sensitive and tried telling me but we both ended up annoyed/frustrated whenever we talked because the one wouldnt understand the other.

Before that we had a fantastic time and no issues.

Now he ended things, too hurt, too frustrated. we had no talk about it since i left the "scene" but when i wanted to talk the next day he refused and was pretty angry that i left. told him i needed to gather thoughts but he wouldnt have any of that.

We had no contact for a few weeks..the break up is not really fully through. we have things from each other, he didnt change our profile pic in social media, friends still think we will make it.

But he wont talk to me. when i asked him once to meet up for some neutral activity (cinema) he said he cant he has plans and no more.

before that we texted once where he replied when i asked how he was etc.

Now....i reckon time is needed for him. i done a few things wrong and hurt him without realizing (no third party involved).
He is very sensitive.

how do i approach this?
i dont wanna just wait, im afraid he wants to get the feelings down because i know he loves me still...hes just hurt. since we love each other..i dont want him to love me less now...im afraid he tries that. all i need is another chance since i wasnt aware what i done wrong.

i would love to tell him what i realized finally the last couple of weeks and if we can slowly start again.

the reason why i wont let go? it doesnt feel like the end. we have so much in common, experienced so much.

What to do now

Merkin · 12-03-2016 10:48AM

Can I ask whether he has intimated that this is just a temporary split or is it just you who thinks this to be the case given his profile picture on FB etc? Because if it's the latter, false hope will stop you from processing and dealing with the breakup. You say that communication is not your strong point and it seems that you may be misinterpreting the finality of the break up. After four years and his lack of subsequent contact, it sounds to me like it's over and that he means it. Have you considered this to be a possibility?

kylith · 12-03-2016 11:49AM

I think that the best thing to do is to send him a message and ask if it's over, because it sounds to me like it is.

celica00 · 12-03-2016 12:03PM

thats the thing, im pretty sure he wanted to propose that but i left and upset him by doing so and i know this was incredible hard for him...in fact he was haopy to see me when we met up and all but somehow it came up and i might took it wrong instead of just tkng time apart and left and that upset him.

im wondeing will i ask him to grab a coffee just to catch up as friends, nothing else. to get a feeling for whats going on because this hasnt been cleared up

Lisacatlover · 12-03-2016 12:35PM

Tbh I wouldn't do the whole "let's catch up, just as friends" thing because that's not what you want, and it isn't what it would be. You want to get back together with him. Don't **** about. Just tell him you want to still be in a relationship with him, tell him what you said here about the things you've realised the last couple of weeks, that you weren't aware of what you did wrong, and that you would like another chance. That you want to start things back up slowly and see how things go.

If there's any hope of you two getting back together he'll be on board. If not he'll let you know and you'll just have to move on.

You've said part of the problem is you two don't communicate well, faffing about and lying about wanting to go to the cinema or for coffee "just as friends" isn't communicating well now. So be straight with him. Be honest. Say what you actually want, how you actually feel, and say what you mean. Then listen to what he says.

Merkin · 12-03-2016 12:43PM

Totally agree with the above post. You're only fuelling miscommunication further by saying you want to meet up as friends when that is the polar opposite to what you want. Ask to meet, lay your cards on the table and then take it from there.

celica00 · 12-03-2016 01:32PM

thAnk you very much Lisacatlover i appreciate it.

thats probably it and you are right!

thats what i planned to do all along but i dont know will i just ring him and say it on the phone, just rext it or (as i wanted to lead up to it...meet him casually and eventuallyt to the point)

and the timing as well....is it too early to say it? its been about 6 weeks now.

thanks again really appreciate it

Tigger99 · 12-03-2016 02:39PM

You are over thinking it. Talking to him about how you are feeling over phone or text is a terrible idea. Ask him if you can meet up. If he says yes then great. If he says no there's your answer.

CaraMay · 12-03-2016 02:52PM

I guess if a relationship of 4 years can end over a couple of months bad communication then it couldn't have been as perfect as you thought op. Think about it logically.

Clearly you need to meet him and lay your cards on the table - no texting / hinting / meeting for a coffee. Meet to talk and sort this out, or not. I would be concerned that he could walk away so easily. I think you need to proceed with caution but you have to go for it so you can move on, either way..

celica00 · 12-03-2016 07:12PM

he doesnt want to meet/talk

CaraMay · 12-03-2016 07:16PM

celica00 wrote: »

he doesnt want to meet/talk

Sorry to hear that op. Sad as it is you have to take him at his word and move on now.

Merkin · 12-03-2016 07:37PM

I'm afraid you have your answer now OP so you're going to have to respect his wishes. He's actually being fairer to you in the long run by not meeting you, as he doesn't want to lead you on or give you false hope. Best that you cut contact altogether now and let yourself heal.

celica00 · 12-03-2016 08:08PM

thanks for the advise everybody! appreciate it. not not an easy time...

Tigger99 · 12-03-2016 09:01PM

I know it feels hugely ****e but you had the guts to ask. Can you imagine if you'd waited 6 months? All that time hoping and wishing. You mightnt feel like it now but you will feel better, you will heal.

celica00 · 12-03-2016 09:24PM

Tigger99 wrote: »

I know it feels hugely ****e but you had the guts to ask. Can you imagine if you'd waited 6 months? All that time hoping and wishing. You mightnt feel like it now but you will feel better, you will heal.

thank you!

CaraMay · 12-03-2016 09:29PM

celica00 wrote: »

thanks for the advise everybody! appreciate it. not not an easy time...

It's not but this guy doesn't seem to be able to stay the course. Imagine 10 years down the line and a few kids and he bails after a few hard months. You probably had a lucky escape

dixiefly · 12-03-2016 09:46PM

Best at this stage to erase all his details and unfriend him on FB if ye are still "friends" on it. Best of luck as you move on.

Polo_Mint · 13-03-2016 12:27PM

CaraMay wrote: »

It's not but this guy doesn't seem to be able to stay the course. Imagine 10 years down the line and a few kids and he bails after a few hard months. You probably had a lucky escape

WTF. Did you just spin this to make it his fault?

celica00 · 13-03-2016 01:02PM

Polo_Mint wrote: »

WTF. Did you just spin this to make it his fault?

we are both at fault bu there is a point.

Augme · 13-03-2016 01:49PM

CaraMay wrote: »

It's not but this guy doesn't seem to be able to stay the course. Imagine 10 years down the line and a few kids and he bails after a few hard months. You probably had a lucky escape

Imagine 10 years down the line and a few kids and his wife decides to just withdraw from him, again. I think there is only one person who had a lucky escape here. Marrying someone who's selfish and doesn't really care about their partners feelings strikes me as a really bad idea.

Merkin · 13-03-2016 03:22PM

Can we keep this on topic and focus on advising the OP please?

break up (temporarily)

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