My wife no longer wants sex

Despm · 31-12-2015 11:45am #1

I am married to a lovely lady who no longer wants sexual intimacy with me.

She wants me to cuddle but as soon as I get aroused she gets annoyed. I can't touch any part of her intimately without her getting angry. This has been going on since the birth of our daughter 3 years ago.

She is always tried after work and always have something to do before sleep (watch tv drama, playing with her phone...) and when she is in bed, she turns away from me and sleep. I know she loves me and it's not because she is cheating or having an affair.

We have tried talking about it but she either says she just doesn't want it or change the subject. I have tried everything I could such as setting up dates, setup trips for our daughter to visit her grandparents (we are not from Ireland) so we can be alone etc, but none of these really helps. I still love her very much and cannot imagine leaving her ever.

But I have a very high sexual desire and currently can only get my satisfaction from porn. I am really disappointed and desperate right now and could not imagine being like this for the rest of my life given we are only in our early thirties.

I am not initialise anything as I am afraid of rejection. Sometimes I think about to have casual encounters but never put that into practise. What should I do?

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 1:30pm

You can go back and look at all the other threads like this. The most common advice is 1 go see a marriage counsellor and of that doesn't work 2 tell her you are going to get it elsewhere.

dudara · 31-12-2015 1:37pm

@Ash.J.Williams - warned for back seat modding

dudara

baldbear · 31-12-2015 1:42pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

You can go back and look at all the other threads like this. The most common advice is 1 go see a marriage counsellor and of that doesn't work 2 tell her you are going to get it elsewhere.

I wouldn't advise saying you are going to get it elsewhere. Surely this could only lead to a divorce and the op doesn't want that.

Maybe she has pre natal depression? It sounds like a happy marriage to me & she needs to talk to a qualified person or the 2 of you guys need to go to a marriage counsellor.

Good luck.

Ursus Horribilis · 31-12-2015 1:44pm

What was your sex life like before your daughter was born?

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 1:47pm

baldbear wrote: »

I wouldn't advise saying you are going to get it elsewhere. Surely this could only lead to a divorce and the op doesn't want that.

Maybe she has pre natal depression? It sounds like a happy marriage to me & she needs to talk to a qualified person or the 2 of you guys need to go to a marriage counsellor.

Good luck.

That's why one is see a marriage counsellor. Two is for when they refuse to see one or make any effort to change.

Despm · 31-12-2015 1:52pm

baldbear wrote: »

I wouldn't advise saying you are going to get it elsewhere. Surely this could only lead to a divorce and the op doesn't want that.

Maybe she has pre natal depression? It sounds like a happy marriage to me & she needs to talk to a qualified person or the 2 of you guys need to go to a marriage counsellor.

Good luck.

I don't think she will like the idea to see a counsellor. Beside her English is not good. I am happy with my family except sex. Still not too sure what to do...

Despm · 31-12-2015 1:58pm

Odus fell down wrote: »

What was your sex life like before your daughter was born?

It was ok. She wasn't very keen in sex but we used to have sex very regularly.

I have been very patient with her and do not want to push her into anything she doesn't want but this has been for too long and I just feel so depressed and unloved.

eviltwin · 31-12-2015 1:58pm

Despm wrote: »

I don't think she will like the idea to see a counsellor. Beside her English is not good. I am happy with my family except sex. Still not too sure what to do...

You don't know until you ask. And if she says no you have to have a serious talk with her and make sure she understands just how damaging this is to your marriage. I think she's being very selfish to refuse to even discuss it but you need to go softly. Don't frame it as an I want sex conversation, talk about how the lack of intimacy is upsetting you. You need to work on reconnecting as a couple emotionally first before you move onto the sex part.

Despm · 31-12-2015 2:00pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

That's why one is see a marriage counsellor. Two is for when they refuse to see one or make any effort to change.

Thanks for the advice but I don't think I can persuade her to go to see a counsellor and her English is not great.

xLANDRYNx · 31-12-2015 2:03pm

Just tell her what you feel like and tell her to listen to you

Despm · 31-12-2015 2:05pm

eviltwin wrote: »

You don't know until you ask. And if she says no you have to have a serious talk with her and make sure she understands just how damaging this is to your marriage. I think she's being very selfish to refuse to even discuss it but you need to go softly. Don't frame it as an I want sex conversation, talk about how the lack of intimacy is upsetting you. You need to work on reconnecting as a couple emotionally first before you move onto the sex part.

I will try to talk to her over the weekend but I wouldn't put my hope up...

Despm · 31-12-2015 2:07pm

xLANDRYNx wrote: »

Just tell her what you feel like and tell her to listen to you

The last serious conversation took place about two months ago. We had sex soon after, but then everything is back to before. To me, she just doesn't want it.

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 2:15pm

Despm wrote: »

Thanks for the advice but I don't think I can persuade her to go to see a counsellor and her English is not great.

There are no consequences for her as you are putting up with it. If she is not willing to do anything about it, it's not going to change.

bee06 · 31-12-2015 2:16pm

I think counselling is the way to go as well. If she wants you to be happy then she should at least make the effort to understand why she doesn't want to have sex. Maybe you could find a counsellor who speaks her language?

Despm · 31-12-2015 2:23pm

bee06 wrote: »

I think counselling is the way to go as well. If she wants you to be happy then she should at least make the effort to understand why she doesn't want to have sex. Maybe you could find a counsellor who speaks her language?

That will be a good idea. I will talk to her again over the weekend and if nothing gets changed. I will try counselling.

strandroad · 31-12-2015 2:27pm

Despm wrote: »

Thanks for the advice but I don't think I can persuade her to go to see a counsellor and her English is not great.

Can she find a counselling service in her language? And do you speak her language to perhaps go with her?

Despm · 31-12-2015 2:32pm

mhge wrote: »

Can she find a counselling service in her language? And do you speak her language to perhaps go with her?

Yes, we are from the same country and I will try google conunselling service in foreign languages in Ireland. Thanks

silverharp · 31-12-2015 2:36pm

A different angle to consider OP, have you in anyway let yourself go since you have been married or had your child? for instance stopped spending money on clothes or otherwise not taking care of your appearance? or are you a bit passive around the house in effort to be helpful? lets face being a dad these days isnt terribly sexy, despite the rhetoric in the media you would be hard pressed to find examples of the lead in romance novels pushing a pram or walking around with a baby carrier. I dont mean this to be an invitation to be a d1ck around the house or to escalate the situation but just an opportunity to re centre yourself.

suicide_circus · 31-12-2015 4:17pm

Here we go again. Seems to be a pattern of wives fulfilling their reproductive urges and then cancelling sex, leaving their now obsolete husbands out in the cold. Did these women ever really enjoy sex I wonder?

OP, you seem to fit this pattern very well. You say that you know your wife loves you. You also say you have a healthy sex drive...surely your wife knows this? She either dosnt care or she hates sex so much that she is prepared to put you through this misery. Both are bad options.

You need to ask yourself. Are you willing to go through the rest of your life with no sex? If the answer is no, you need to tell your wife. She needs to know that her marriage is in danger.

LegacyUser · 31-12-2015 4:22pm

You're avoiding dealing with the problem, both by not initiating it because of fear of rejection, and knowing you have porn as your outlet. Does she know about the porn? I know I would be very hurt knowing that's where my husband was going for kicks instead of me..but maybe she doesn't have a problem with it? Problems are best dealt with by being honest and straight up. Have you been honest that this is what you're doing instead of initiating sex, have you been honest you're considering a casual affair/encounter? Yes she is avoiding the problem too but it's looking like she won't do anything about it. Start with honesty, even if the truth hurts her and/or you. She may not be attracted to you at all anymore, either physically or by the way you're treating her or some other reason, and that's is why she won't want sex.
You are both not communicating properly, and both hiding the truth, that's why you are unhappy. It can't go on like it is. If it takes counselling for you both to open up to the truth then so be it, and you can start to build from that.

bee06 · 31-12-2015 4:26pm

I'd agree that these women probably didn't enjoy sex before the children and just "put up with it". I can't imagine not wanting to have sex with my husband and if my sex drive diminished like that I'd definitely be looking into a medical or psychological reason to fix it.

inocybe · 31-12-2015 8:30pm

Do you share equally the care of the 3 year old? Nothing like a toddler and exhaustion to kill a sex drive

LegacyUser · 01-01-2016 8:51am

Ok so going to post from the wifes perspective and this is just my experience.

So I posted years ago under a different name as I had an accident and my sex drive was gone, which upset and embarressed me. I also gained some weight due to the accident and being unable to exercise.

So married my husband and had a baby, sex drive still low. I would do it to make him happy but honestly didn't enjoy it. This made me feel even worse and more guilty.

Now don't get me wrong I wanted to initiate things but didn't feel sexy and was just tired (baby and working and doing majority of housework - my wonderful husband helped but not to my standard!).

Anyway recently something just clicked in my head - I look no different and am no less tired but I realised he loves me wobbly bits and stretch marks and all!!! It's not like he has a six pack going on!!

Anyway it might not be you, it could be something in her head. Honestly i would read threads like these and always worry it was my husband posting which matters worse in my head.

I felt such guilt over it as I loved him more than anything. I am not sure what advice to offer but wanted to give the other side of the story.

LegacyUser · 01-01-2016 11:50am

Get yourself a bit on the side. By all means, be the family man and be the best dad to your daughter you can be but if it was me, I'd sleep with other women. I've read these threads so often on here. It's always the ****ing same.

LegacyUser · 01-01-2016 2:55pm

^^ yea but make sure she knows this, be straight up and honest, don't go behind her back.

unreg999 · 01-01-2016 3:03pm

Advising someone to have an affair is hardly constructive advice & in fairness this is an advice forum where people are coming to with problems... You aren't going to hear about the hundreds & thousands of happy marriages!
The have been plenty of threads on here too from women whose husbands, partners or boyfriends have gone off sex... Why does it always have to be the women's fault??
The point being that we are all humans not robots & in most cases genetically programmed to enjoy sex (to varying degrees) or at least to seek it out...
If there is a problem with that and someone seems not to be enjoying it anymore or actively avoiding it then it is undoubtedly due to some health problem, either physical or mental (Emotional)...
Either way op no one on here can tell you the reason, you must talk to her & let her know how much it is distressing you... She may need to see a doctor to get her hormone levels checked or see a counsellor to talk about any emotional issues she may be having (pnd for example?), or both... You may also need to see a couples counsellor...
Good luck, it can't be easy for you but you obviously love each other a lot & from what you've said have a happy home other than that!

Augme · 01-01-2016 4:44pm

unreg999 wrote: »

Advising someone to have an affair is hardly constructive advice & in fairness this is an advice forum where people are coming to with problems... You aren't going to hear about the hundreds & thousands of happy marriages!
The have been plenty of threads on here too from women whose husbands, partners or boyfriends have gone off sex... Why does it always have to be the women's fault??
The point being that we are all humans not robots & in most cases genetically programmed to enjoy sex (to varying degrees) or at least to seek it out...
If there is a problem with that and someone seems not to be enjoying it anymore or actively avoiding it then it is undoubtedly due to some health problem, either physical or mental (Emotional)...
Either way op no one on here can tell you the reason, you must talk to her & let her know how much it is distressing you... She may need to see a doctor to get her hormone levels checked or see a counsellor to talk about any emotional issues she may be having (pnd for example?), or both... You may also need to see a couples counsellor...
Good luck, it can't be easy for you but you obviously love each other a lot & from what you've said have a happy home other than that!

He's tried to this numerous times and she doesn't give a ****. I also strongly disagree with the second thing I bolded about them loving each other. If you truly love someone you do your best to make your partner happy, it honestly seems like the OP wife doesn't actually give much of a **** about him or his happiness. Sounds like she got what she wanted(a baby) and is now happy to ignore his happiness.

Pocoyo · 01-01-2016 4:52pm

Money OP you need to flash the cash buy her jewels a steak and a bottle of champagne and then bish bash bosh...nothing gets a woman going like loads of lovely money.

dudara · 01-01-2016 4:59pm

@Pocoyo - less of the immature generalisations please

dudara

Voltex · 01-01-2016 9:26pm

I read this thread this morning and tbh was pretty shocked that firstly a woman and wife would treat someone she supposedly loves so badly and secondly that the OP would tolerate such a situation. I actually ran this one by my own wife when we were out for a drive today and asked what she thought..and she was very quick to say that she knows the things I find important in our relationship..which include sex and would never take away something that I personally finds supportive and important to the overall health of our relationship.

I do think that to suggest having an causal affair is probably just a vocalisation of frustrations people feel and would just complicate overall situations - I can hardly believe that there is such a thing as sex with out emotions, but I can understand why someone would consider this a viable option.

A marriage without any action from the driver of the emotions that originally made two people fall for each other (the physical attraction) is doomed - period! If the OP's wife is committed to the marriage she would make the effort. Anything less is terms for ending the relationship.

My wife no longer wants sex

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