No display of love or affection

LegacyUser · 23-04-2015 09:24AM #1

My partner and I are together three years and we have one child together. The baby is 5 months old.
My pregnancy was troubled so we rarely had sex, we were worried it would harm the pregnancy. However, since the birth we've only had sex once. He's just not interested in me at all.
It's not just sex that's missing, he won't even kiss me and if I try to cuddle him he pushes me off. It's really hurtful.
I thought that it might be because my body changed with pregnancy but I joined a zumba class two months back and I've lost more than a stone already. He's still not interested.
I've tried to arrange date nights but he doesn't want to go. He won't even come to the park with me and the baby, or go for a walk with us. It's like he wants nothing to do with me.
If I lean in to even kiss him goodnight he'll turn his back to me or make a comment about my breath smelling bad, when it doesn't! I feel like he thinksI'm disgusting.
It was never this way until I got pregnant. Any advice?

HelgaWard · 23-04-2015 11:44AM

God that is awful. You need to talk to you partner, outline the examples of him rejecting you, you have given here and ask him what has changed pre/post pregnancy?

Maybe he feels like he is your #2 since baby arrived and is feeling put out?
Does he treat you nicely at all, talk to you? Is he involved in the baby's care? Or is his living an independent life in the same house as you?

Wishing you all the best, it sounds like a very difficult situation.

pookie82 · 23-04-2015 12:09PM

Wow, at a time when you probably need EXTRA support, affection and reassurance he is being horrible.

You need to sit down and straight up ask him what the problem is.

Was he present at the birth? Any chance he witnessed something "traumatising" that has made him wary of engaging in sex or getting you pregnant again? Even subconsciously, something might have triggered in him to turn him off the idea. It's still no excuse for the general lack of affection, though, and refusing to do anything with you. In the first few precious months surely he should be delighted to walk with his child in the park or take you guys out for a day.

How is he with the baby? Does he seem happy enough besides?

Chemical Byrne · 23-04-2015 01:30PM

OP, I don't mean to rain on your parade but my honest opinion is that he is just no longer into you. In my case I was with my ex for 7 years and I became distant, was not affectionate and rejected attempts at affection on her part. I also became snappy and irritable.

Losing interest in someone is rarely due to some specific thing like just weight or just sex or whatever. For me it was just everything and nothing in particular at the same time, the chemistry just evaporated.

After a while I realised that I just didn't want to be with her any more, the spark had gone and I left her. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but nontheless it was 100% the right thing to do, for both our sakes.
As the bove poster said I too felt I was living an independent life just in the same house as her. She was understandably devastated but continuting to live a lie is much much worse.

Is it sad? Yes, of course and you are surely hurting by it. Maybe he feels guilty about leaving you and cannot bring himself to do it.

I think you will just have to sit him down and ask him straight out what the problem is....
If it is the worst, at least you will know and you can both move on and divide up parenting duties between ye.

Emme · 23-04-2015 02:45PM

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

OP, I don't mean to rain on your parade but my honest opinion is that he is just no longer into you. In my case I was with my ex for 7 years and I became distant, was not affectionate and rejected attempts at affection on her part. I also became snappy and irritable.

Losing interest in someone is rarely due to some specific thing like just weight or just sex or whatever. For me it was just everything and nothing in particular at the same time, the chemistry just evaporated.

After a while I realised that I just didn't want to be with her any more, the spark had gone and I left her. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but nontheless it was 100% the right thing to do, for both our sakes.
As the bove poster said I too felt I was living an independent life just in the same house as her. She was understandably devastated but continuting to live a lie is much much worse.

Is it sad? Yes, of course and you are surely hurting by it. Maybe he feels guilty about leaving you and cannot bring himself to do it.

I think you will just have to sit him down and ask him straight out what the problem is....
If it is the worst, at least you will know and you can both move on and divide up parenting duties between ye.

Cut the OP some slack. She and her partner have just had a child together.

Chemical Byrne · 23-04-2015 02:47PM

Its just my opinion. How the OP describes her OH acting is more or less how I began acting a few months prior to breaking up with my ex. This obviously is the worst case scenario but I think it is at least worth considering this possibility just to be primed for it in case it does materialise.

At the end of the day she will just have to have a frank discussion with him about it.

Emme · 23-04-2015 02:52PM

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Its just my opinion. How the OP describes her OH acting is more or less how I began acting a few months prior to breaking up with my ex. This obviously is the worst case scenario but I think it is at least worth considering this possibility just to be primed for it in case it does materialise.

At the end of the day she will just have to have a frank discussion with him about it.

I hope this is not the case for the OP's sake and their child's sake. He's not much of a partner if he goes off her when she goes through pregnancy and has a child.

Chemical Byrne · 23-04-2015 03:02PM

Emme wrote: »

I hope this is not the case for the OP's sake and their child's sake. He's not much of a partner if he goes off her when she goes through pregnancy and has a child.

Perhaps not but in my opinion it would be worse to do what I did for some time which was to try to bury such feelings and carry on upholding a facade while you've secretly you've already left the relationship on an emotional level.

Living a lie is a terrible thing and if he wants to leave he should leave and she should let him go. If it turns out that this is the case, in reality this would be in all of their interests if they were to part ways amicably sooner rather than later before any bad blood or deep seated resentment develops. He can move on, she can move on, and they can arrange to divide parenting duties.

We must remember that IF it is the case that he has gone of her, it is not necessarily because of pregnancy or childbirth - there could be a myriad of reasons or maybe even no reason. Sometimes people just fall out of love for no particular reason. Breaking up should not make him any less of a good parent, it might even make him a better parent if he moves on and is in a better place psychologically rather than staying put just to avoid upsetting her and being secretly miserable himself.

What OP describes is beyond indifference and is in the realm of subtle hostility.

LegacyUser · 23-04-2015 05:36PM

Hi, it's the op. Thanks for the responses. It's interesting that pookie82 mentioned the birth. As a matter of fact the birth was extremely traumatic. My partner stood and watched as the doctor screamed down the corridor for back up saying he needed the baby out immediately as the heartbeat was no longer present. I was given an episiotomy in front of him & the baby was especially dragged out by forceps, non responsive & instantly taken to intensive care. Both of us were deeply affected by the birth.
I really hope it isn't what Chemical Byrne has suggested, as I do love him very, very much.
He talks about our future together & has mentioned having another baby in a couple of years, as well as us buying a new home. Yet still he can be totally cold & distant at times. He's slowly getting better with the baby although he's never done a night feed and has rarely changed a nappy. He seems like he's totally checked out of life sometimes. Can men suffer from post natal depression? I know that's an odd question but is there a form of depression that can affect men after they become fathers?
It's all very hurtful but I don't know how much of it is because of anything I've done or if it is something more than that and that maybe he's struggling emotionally with something.
I make time for him always but he doesn't want it. He'll go for a night out with the guys quicker than come home to me and the baby. That doesn't sound like a happy man to me.
I've tried to have a very open talk about it but he shuts me down immediately & if I try to initiate anything he pushes me away. He's completely closed to any conversation with me about anything really.

LadyAthame · 23-04-2015 05:48PM

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

OP, I don't mean to rain on your parade but my honest opinion is that he is just no longer into you.

Obviously this is the case. And even if it were not true would you WANT someone like this?? I know I wouldn't. You are going to start getting mighty cranky with him too soon. I can't stand those types of people.

But we can't talk about this as if it's someone she just met in coppers that she can get rid of. This is the man she made child with.

He is just not into you really translates as 'the father of your child does not love you and wants to break up your family'. It's not as simple as that.

I think you need to take him aside and talk honestly. Tell him you realize something is wrong and ask him if he wants to try. Honestly try if not for the relationship then for your family.

I know you should not stay together for the sake of the kids but it's worth seeing if there is something there.

Lack of displays of love or lack of love and affection indifference IS a form of passive aggression. People who are like this have a cold centre.

Just because you fall out of love does not mean you fall out of compassion. Compassion for your partner and kindness along with examples of warmth and generosity are a life long thing if you have a child with someone regardless of what happens to the romantic part of your relationship.

He won't even come to the park with me and the baby, or go for a walk with us.

This just makes him seem like a horrible person.

Do you WANT your child to grow up thinking that this is a normal way to have a relationship? Do you want your child to think this is what they deserve from a partner ?...because that is what they will learn.

make a comment about my breath smelling bad, when it doesn't!

TO be honest I wouldn't want to try with someone like that I would just want to leave him.

shaymus27 · 23-04-2015 06:37PM

The part where he won't go to the park with you and the baby - does he doubt the baby is his? He may not have come out with it but if he has some sort of suspicion he may be behaving this way.

There was another poster (with no kids involved) who said he drifted for years and his g/f got fed up and left him. He said he didn't display affection and it seems he regrets the way he drifted and behaved and his g/f splitting up with him.

It doesn't sound great. especially with a child as a child should be an amazing thing in a person's life. Males can be awful at communicating and he needs to realise that his behaviour can't continue as it is unfair all round. He may be a bit depressed due to feeling number 2 as an above poster alluded to. Either way he needs to see his own behaviour and change. There seems to be something bothering him and he's doing a childish behaviour. Not nice but he isn't the only male to be childish.

You need to tell him how you feel and how his behaviour is affecting you. Tell him you want to get back to being a loving couple and to that he needs to make you feel good, not make you feel bad.

He or the two of you together may need to go to counselling as sometimes an objective outsider can help.

LadyAthame · 23-04-2015 06:47PM

It sounds like it's over to be honest.

Unless he is a particularly cold person I don't see how things could get that bad unless it was. Don't internalize it as you are in the wrong. These things happen.

A child should bring joy.

You both should be enjoying your family.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-04-2015 08:19PM

OP, please don't be alarmed by the "it's over" posts. Many relationships go through tough patches for whatever reason. A new baby is as good a reason as any. It is easy for people not in your situation to tell you it's over. Unfortunately, it becomes the standard response to many posters who post about problems in their relationship.

But, taking into account the fact that you are now a family and that you would like to continue as a family the only advice anyone can really give is that you talk to him. Not at a time of high stress. Not at a time where you are frustrated etc. He is clearly not happy with something. That doesn't necessarily mean you! You are clearly not happy either, so by trying to talk it out you might be able to get to the root of it.

Yes, oftentimes when someone loses interest in a relationship they back away from their partner. But people can also become distant from each other for many other reasons. I think jumping straight to "it's over" is a bit premature. Is there any chance you could get him to visit the GP? Shutting down any conversation isn't an option, and you need to be firm with him about that. It's not just you and him involved anymore.

Was he ever like this before? If he enjoyed the freedom of a good social life pre-baby, maybe part of him resents now being a dad. And he's realising his freedom is, (or at least should be!) curtailed a bit.

Unless you can get him to talk, I can't see much of an improvement.

dellas1979 · 23-04-2015 08:25PM

If this behaviour is new, you need to ask him what is going on. Its simple as. It could be a heart to heart ye need. Or it could be something else going on.

You are not going to know anymore than we do until both of you start communicating. Take that first step.

Faith · 23-04-2015 08:49PM

I don't think it's over, OP. I don't think it's got anything to do with you either. I think your partner was deeply traumatised by the experience of childbirth, and I'd imagine he's suffering from PTSD-like symptoms.

Frustratedop wrote: »

As a matter of fact the birth was extremely traumatic. My partner stood and watched as the doctor screamed down the corridor for back up saying he needed the baby out immediately as the heartbeat was no longer present. I was given an episiotomy in front of him & the baby was especially dragged out by forceps, non responsive & instantly taken to intensive care. Both of us were deeply affected by the birth.

This is just such a horrific birth story. He's standing there, helpless, as his baby is unresponsive and his partner is being cut open in front of him and the baby dragged out. What should be a euphoric moment was replaced by fear, trauma, panic, chaos and, most of all, helplessness. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets flashbacks to that every time he sees his child.

In an attempt to overcome the trauma, I'm guessing he tries to avoid situations that remind him of it. That includes spending time with the baby. I'd guess he's also terrified of getting you pregnant again and going through another similar experience. He's dealing with that by just shutting down totally when you try to be intimate.

What he needs is counselling, to work through that traumatic experience. You say he shuts you down when you try to talk about it, so you're going to have to find a gentle way to get through to him. Perhaps talk to him about how the birth affected you, the feelings that you're experiencing, and invite (ask) him to join you in a few sessions of counselling. Don't make it about sex or intimacy, because I think that's just a symptom of the larger problem.

There's also a common issue where men present at the birth of their child suddenly start seeing their partner as a mother, and not as a sexual being. There could be an element of that at play too.

Either way, I'd urge you to ignore all of the "It's over, move on" posts. They're not helpful or accurate, in my view. You can move past this, but it is a complicated issue that warrants outside help.

23-04-2015 09:46PM

I agree that your partner may well have depression, or some kind of emotional trauma following the birth. You definitely need to have an honest talk with him, and I think counselling would be really helpful. He needs to want it for himself though if it's going to work. It would be a good idea for you too OP, after all you've been through.

pookie82 · 24-04-2015 07:15AM

Frustratedop wrote: »

Hi, it's the op. Thanks for the responses. It's interesting that pookie82 mentioned the birth. As a matter of fact the birth was extremely traumatic. My partner stood and watched as the doctor screamed down the corridor for back up saying he needed the baby out immediately as the heartbeat was no longer present. I was given an episiotomy in front of him & the baby was especially dragged out by forceps, non responsive & instantly taken to intensive care. Both of us were deeply affected by the birth.
I really hope it isn't what Chemical Byrne has suggested, as I do love him very, very much.
He talks about our future together & has mentioned having another baby in a couple of years, as well as us buying a new home. Yet still he can be totally cold & distant at times. He's slowly getting better with the baby although he's never done a night feed and has rarely changed a nappy. He seems like he's totally checked out of life sometimes. Can men suffer from post natal depression? I know that's an odd question but is there a form of depression that can affect men after they become fathers?
It's all very hurtful but I don't know how much of it is because of anything I've done or if it is something more than that and that maybe he's struggling emotionally with something.
I make time for him always but he doesn't want it. He'll go for a night out with the guys quicker than come home to me and the baby. That doesn't sound like a happy man to me.
I've tried to have a very open talk about it but he shuts me down immediately & if I try to initiate anything he pushes me away. He's completely closed to any conversation with me about anything really.

I was going to suggest in my first post could it be possible he's suffering from some sort of male post natal depression but in truth, I'm not sure if that exists?

In any case, I think it's clear that he's been present for a deeply traumatic event that probably terrified him and is scarred in some way. All thoughts of being intimate with you again and (in his head, god forbid) getting you pregnant again are probably terrifying for him.

You need to have him talk to someone professionally. It would help if it was together, but maybe he needs to talk to someone alone.

Don't give up on this yet - if you had said he'd been like this long before the baby I'd agree his heart possibly isn't in it anymore. But this is a stark and drastic change coming ONLY after he witnessed what you described above. Somewhat understandable, I think, that the man is traumatised (not as understandable that he shuts you out and refuses to communicate - that needs to stop).

Sit him down and tell him you can't continue like this and need to talk to someone, together OR apart. Make it a condition to moving forward in the relationship. He can't possibly be "happy" to continue as is.

beks101 · 24-04-2015 09:43AM

I think Faith hit the nail on the head.

OP I think it's quite obvious from what you've described that your partner is suffering from a major emotional fallout as a result of witnessing the childbirth. This 'male post natal depression' thing you speak of is actually quite common - a friend of mine is an obstetrician and has told me he's seen countless incidents of men taking to their beds for weeks on end in the aftermath of witnessing their gf's childbirth - this is especially the case if it was particularly difficult and traumatic. Another common thing is excessive trips down the pub or computer games, playing golf etc - anything to avoid their new reality. A new baby is a big, big adjustment and life as you would have known it will never be the same.

I think there's this rhetoric surrounding childbirth that sells it as this amazing, magical, beautiful miracle that leaves all those present in awe, when the reality is that it's graphic, it's gory, it's gross and it's traumatizing to see someone you love so deeply screaming, bleeding, crying and being cut open. It's a really difficult visual to erase. It can scar a man and affect his sexual attraction to his partner in addition to his general emotional wellbeing. It's hard to see sex as this fun, lighthearted and awesome thing when you've seen the pure agony it's caused and how it's ripped your partner's body apart.

Your OH is probably feeling an enormous amount of guilt and shame and confusion about this depression and withdrawal from you, as he didn't expect it and doesn't know how to deal with it. So he's just....not. He's cutting himself off from you and totally disconnecting.

I think this is an issue that very much requires a therapist as I don't feel it should be on you to fix. He's probably shutting up shop every time you broach it because he simply doesn't know what to say - "I can't get turned on because I can't get that picture out of my head / I'm afraid I'll hurt you / I can't look at you the same way / I feel bad for feeling down about what should be a happy time" etc - none of these things are things you can fix.

I think you should sit him down some evening when the baby's in bed, gently tell him that you know he's struggling emotionally and that it's hurting you and your relationship. You understand that he can't talk to you, but for the sake of your new little family it is paramount that he talks to someone and that you will support him in every way that you can.

Best of luck to you both. It must be incredibly difficult for you, but he might well bounce back in no time. This is something that lots of couples go through, it's just not often spoken about because pregnancy/childbirth are supposed to be the "happiest day of our lives'.

retro:electro · 24-04-2015 10:14AM

What was he like before the birth OP?

Sleepy · 24-04-2015 01:33PM

Maybe send him a link to this thread?

LegacyUser · 29-04-2015 01:28PM

Op here. Well I spoke to him about it, I asked if he still thinks about the birth & that if it was putting him off of being close to me. He just asked me if I was stupid or even capable of thinking so either I hit a nerve or else I was way off the mark.
I mentioned in passing yesterday that I must book a smear test after I got a letter about it & his response was a bit concerning too. He said he doesn't know why I'd tell him that and that whatever goes on down there is none of his business. It's really like he just thinks I am disgusting.
Anyway I think I should leave it for now, he's not willing to talk to me about it so I'll just have to accept that because I cant make him interested if he's not feeling it.

02-05-2015 10:13AM

Rejectedagain wrote: »

Op here. Well I spoke to him about it, I asked if he still thinks about the birth & that if it was putting him off of being close to me. He just asked me if I was stupid or even capable of thinking so either I hit a nerve or else I was way off the mark.
I mentioned in passing yesterday that I must book a smear test after I got a letter about it & his response was a bit concerning too. He said he doesn't know why I'd tell him that and that whatever goes on down there is none of his business. It's really like he just thinks I am disgusting.
Anyway I think I should leave it for now, he's not willing to talk to me about it so I'll just have to accept that because I cant make him interested if he's not feeling it.

I'm so sorry OP, but this isn't something you should have to accept. He needs to understand how this is making you feel. The fact that he would call you stupid when you tried to talk to him just shows so much immaturity.

I really think you should get some counselling for yourself. A counsellor may be able to help you find a way to approach this.

bp · 02-05-2015 11:09AM

I had my second little bundle a few weeks ago and it was an unpleasant experience for all involved. I know my OH found it hard to cope with seeing me in pain and being helpless.

Perhasp the whole vaginal area has been de-romantised for him. Like when people cop on boobs are actually for feeding babies so not just fondling!!! Before this the vagina was for sex and pleasure and to see it being used like that. My OH stayed at the other end (my head) for both births.

He needs to talk to someone about this, but I do think men can get a touch of post natal depression or just not bond with the baby.

Good luck and I really hope it works out for you

LadyAthame · 02-05-2015 11:15AM

That's interesting what the above posters have said. Most families I know the guy got way more affectionate after. I think it depends on emotional awareness of women and a woman's body.

I do think men should watch videos of childbirth. I know they will groan. But it is a part of the reproduction of their species.

December2012 · 02-05-2015 11:30AM

LadyAthame wrote: »

That's interesting what the above posters have said. Most families I know the guy got way more affectionate after. I think it depends on emotional awareness of women and a woman's body.

I do think men should watch videos of childbirth. I know they will groan. But it is a part of the reproduction of their species.

If everything goes okay then yes it can make men more affectionate in a way.

But this didn't go okay, this was a bloody trauma so he can't be held to others standard.

It sounds as if he does not believe that his treatment is wrong.

Whatever the cause, your relationship is in a bad place. Maybe relationship counselling can help.

LegacyUser · 02-05-2015 11:50AM

Rejectedagain wrote: »

.... I hit a nerve.....
I mentioned in passing yesterday that I must book a smear test after I got a letter about it & his response was a bit concerning too. He said he doesn't know why I'd tell him that and that whatever goes on down there is none of his business......

The hit a nerve thing for sure. The birth has had a traumatic effect and he's now shutting down any of that talk 'cos he's just not able. Saying things like that or saying your breath smells is aimed to wound, not because he feels badly towards you, but because comments like that are nuclear, they hurt so much that the conversation is over for that moment and he doesn't have to deal with it for another while, anything milder would leave room for a discussion he's just not up for right now. They are just excuses too, they aren't necessarily based in fact at all, they just bypass the real reasons. A hurtful equivalent of sending a fella home alone 'cos you haven't shaved your legs

)

Rejectedagain wrote: »

Anyway I think I should leave it for now, he's not willing to talk to me about it so I'll just have to accept that because I cant make him interested if he's not feeling it.

I think that's the worst possible course of action. You may need some sensitivity and some time to let things play out, but not addressing it is a recipe for disaster. You'll reinforce and normalise things as they are now if you let it lie too long. You're quite entitled to tell him there's no point in planning a future or talking about another child if the relationship now if not making you both happy. Whether it's together with you or on his own, he really, really needs to talk about this properly before it goes too far. Some of the conversation might be difficult for both of you, but not half as difficult as staying in an uncommunicative, unsupportive, sexless, joyless, dysfunctional relationship would be.
Take heart from the fact that he's still there and there's plenty of clues to how he's thinking, you do have something to work with and all is not lost.

Stavro Mueller · 02-05-2015 12:07PM

Rejectedagain wrote: »

Op here. Well I spoke to him about it, I asked if he still thinks about the birth & that if it was putting him off of being close to me. He just asked me if I was stupid or even capable of thinking so either I hit a nerve or else I was way off the mark.
I mentioned in passing yesterday that I must book a smear test after I got a letter about it & his response was a bit concerning too. He said he doesn't know why I'd tell him that and that whatever goes on down there is none of his business. It's really like he just thinks I am disgusting.
.

This is absolutely horrific. What a spiteful tongue that man has in his head. Especially that vile comment about asking if you're stupid or even capable of thinking. My blood pressure's rising just reading that comment. I'm wondering what was he like before the baby came along. Was he ever moody or spiteful? I juts find it hard to think that this nastiness and meanness of spirit came out of nowhere.

I hate to advise people to leave relationships unless they're in horrible ones where they're being beaten or psychologically abused but I'd worry about yours. What you're being put through cannot be allowed to continue for much longer. You are not disgusting and don't let his toxic words and behaviour convince you otherwise.

In the short term I think a chat with a counsellor would be a good start. Even just to get everything off your chest. Longer term though, I honestly don't know what option you have other than to leave. If he's unwilling to get help then you're facing into a lifetime of being rejected, insulted and treated like something disgusting the cat dragged in from outside. That is no way for you to live. It is also no way for your child to live. It'd be better for it to have two happy parents living apart than two miserable ones under the one roof.

shaymus27 · 02-05-2015 02:01PM

I originally thought your o/h might be behaving like a typical male who either hasn't emotionally grown up and needs to grow up emotionally,or that he might be a bit depressed or reacting in some way to the birth of your baby.

From your comments that he goes to the pub and isn't interested in you and your baby as much as he should be and your latest post stating the way he talks to you I fear he doesn't just need to grow up, he needs a personality transplant.

You need support at all times but especially after having a baby. You are not getting support, you are getting abuse and neglect.

It is his business what goes on down there. Your health and well-being should be high on his list of priorities. Granted a lot of males will say nothing and be a bit awkward about smear tests but they should never say it is none of their business.

I fear he may be a permanently emotionally stunted male, not just a male in need of growing up in a hurry or needing to deal with an issue that may be affecting him.

Your acceptance of his not being interested suggests to me that you may have been very accommodating to him in the past and now that he has to live up to some responsibility and be accommodating himself, he doesn't want to know.

I don't know if it's over but it doesn't look good as he seems to want to live a single life without any responsibilities and seems incapable of caring for you and your baby. It looks as if you are only finding out what he is really like now that he needs to act like a proper adult. It's not expecting much for him to not be abusive and neglectful and to show some sort of consideration let alone love for you and your baby.

You should think about how considerate he was before your baby was born. If everything just suited him it may have appeared he cared as he didn't have to do much. He was with a woman who adored him and made him feel good. You may get an insight in to how he actually behaved towards you.

Hope it's somehow a temporary thing and everything works out. He needs to see someone to get his head right quickly. I fear he is a permanently emotionally stunted male but hope I am wrong. It will be tough for you to bring a baby up without a male but it will be tougher for you to be bringing up one baby while being abused and neglected by a larger baby (emotionally-wise).

Chemical Byrne · 02-05-2015 04:41PM

That must have hurt an awful lot to hear op.
It sounds to me like he is deeply traumatised by the birth experience and is blocking out any thoughts about sex. Either that or he might, unfortunately, just be gone off you.
Either way I think counselling would be a good idea.
I hope ye can make this better. Good luck.

tara73 · 02-05-2015 05:54PM

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

This is absolutely horrific. What a spiteful tongue that man has in his head. Especially that vile comment about asking if you're stupid or even capable of thinking. My blood pressure's rising just reading that comment. I'm wondering what was he like before the baby came along. Was he ever moody or spiteful? I juts find it hard to think that this nastiness and meanness of spirit came out of nowhere.

completely agree with this and after reading how spiteful he's talking to you I don't think he's the poor traumatized man. Even if you're traumatized, there's never any need to talk and behave to your partner like this.

My strong guess is, it's nothing new, his behaviour was disrespectful before the birth of the child and you allowed him to be like that? I hope I'm wrong, but then he's had some sort of personality change.

LegacyUser · 02-05-2015 07:46PM

I'm sorry but it doesn't matter how traumatic the birth was - it doesn't give him the right to treat you and your body with utter contempt.

You both went through an ordeal - but guess what, the ordeal was happening to YOUR BODY. He had to watch you getting an episiotomy?? Well as someone who had an episiotomy that got infected and had developed scar tissue so thick it had to be BURNT off 6 weeks later, I say BOO <SNIP>HOO.

You went through a horrific ordeal too and have essentially been a single mother since, and you didn't turn into an <SNIP>!

He doesn't get to be an <SNIP> to you. You did nothing wrong. He's punishing you for having the audacity to have been ripped asunder by giving birth to HIS child.

<SNIP> him, honestly.

No display of love or affection

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