Friend has given little support since my Dad died

LegacyUser · 13-04-2015 03:58PM #1

I lost my dad a few months ago and have been having a really hard time since. I was really close to him and could rely on him for anything. Not only was he my dad but he was a really good friend to me too, I could talk to him about anything. Since I was a little girl I looked up to him and to see him die in so much discomfort and mental pain has been tearing me apart. He never accepted he was dying and to see him suffer so much like this hurt me so much. Ive been completely broken from it all.

Since he died I’ve had a few friends who’ve been really good to me and very understanding with everything. We don’t necessarily talk about my dad all the time, but they’ve been there for me.

But there’s been one friend who has really let me down. This friend, whom I’ll call Treasa, is my best friend. She lives in the UK but we’ve stayed in close contact since she moved there a few years ago. In the weeks before my dad died I had been updating with her on how he was doing. I made it very clear in my texts how bad he was and I mentioned a number of times how hard all of it was for me. Then over a week passed and I heard nothing from her. I got in touch with her to say that it was the day we were saying our last goodbyes and she sent me a text saying she was thinking of me etc.

Then two days later I rang her to tell her my dad died. She didn’t make it home for the funeral as she’s a young family and I understand how difficult that is. But I didn’t hear much from her again until a phonecall a week later. Then hardly any contact.

She messaged me on his month’s mind about some piece of technology she was buying and I replied saying I was not good and it was my dad’s month’s mind. She texted to say she was thinking of me. A couple of days later I texted her to wish her happy birthday and after that I didn’t hear from her for a whole month when she texted to me to see if I was ok. I texted back to say I was ok and that was it. Another three weeks went by and this time she was in touch to say she would be home for Easter and she’d like to meet.

We met last week for lunch in my house and when she was there I explained to her how upset and disappointed I was by her lack of contact. Her reaction to this was to tell me ‘everything is all about me’. I could not stop crying, I was so upset at one point I couldn’t even speak. But we talked things through and I thought we had worked things out. She took back what she meant about things being all about me …

Anyway… we left things on good terms and we discussed the possibility of meeting over the weekend. We left it vague and neither of us said ‘I’ll call you’. I kind of presumed she’d be in touch but there’s been nothing. She goes back to the UK on Thursday and at this stage I’m starting to think I’m not going to hear from her again before she goes back.

How can my best friend treat me like this? I laid my heart bare on Friday, explaining how depressed and upset I’d been and needed her there and now this. Nothing again. What am I to do? How can my friendship recover from this?

I’ve been so unbelievably supportive to her during traumas she's been through and I get hardly anything from her in return.

I had thought, you know, maybe she doesn’t understand how bad it’s been for me? Or maybe she doesn’t realize how little contact she’s made? But then not to hear from her after our talk on Friday? What am I to make of it all?

I’m sorry this is so long. If anyone has any idea what I should do I’d appreciate it. I've been friends with her for a long time.

NIMAN · 14-04-2015 02:51AM

It sounds like you are drifting apart, how often did you both chat to each other since she moved to the UK?

Also, she may well have met a new collection of people in the UK now, and maybe gradually they are becoming her friends. Its easy to become detached from people back here when you are seeing new people all the time in the UK, and perhaps socialising with them etc. My best friend growing up left to work in the UK in his 20s and over a few years we stopped communicating. There was maybe 10yrs when we have no contact. Then he came back for his fathers funeral and we met up again, went for a few pints etc. This might have happened a handful of times each time he returned over the next few years to visit his mother, but to be honest we haven't spoke again in maybe 2yrs now.

Now of course I don't know how close you two were, but peoples lives change.
I appreciate that you might have found her replies to your fathers illness and death a bit callous or not caring. Perhaps she doesn't handle death well, and didn't really know what to say to you? I hate going to wakes of friends parents as I always find it awkward as to what to say. Maybe she is similar?

And bottom line, some people can be best friends for decades, but it doesn't always mean they will always be close friends. People can drift apart, and maybe its happening in this case?

Big Bag of Chips · 14-04-2015 06:43AM

Sometimes people just don't know what to say. I wouldn't think too much about not hearing from her around the time of the funeral. She may not have know what to say, or she may have assumed you were busy and didn't want to be contacting you.

When she came home, I know it was still raw for you and you wanted her around, but she obviously isn't home very often, and when she is, she needs to fit in seeing everyone.

This is a really really difficult time in your life. Some people are great at offering support, some aren't. The one thing that upsets us most when somebody we love passes away is that other people continue on with their lives, oblivious to our upset. I always wonder how people can just carry on as if nothing happened. Why doesn't the traffic all stop? Why are the shops still open, and why are people going in to do shopping? Why are kids still running around playing? It's because even though our lives are shattered others have things to do. And they just get on with it.

I completely understand why you are upset by your friend's behaviour. I'm sure she was thinking about you. I'm sure she was very upset for you, but from the UK there wasn't much she could do, and maybe felt awkward sending texts or making calls.

I am truly sorry for your loss. Some people are better than others at times like this. Lean on those friends who are able to support you, and try not to think too badly of those who, for whatever reason, can't.

Buona Fortuna · 14-04-2015 07:03AM

Sorry for your loss OP. Losing your Dad is tough.

mojesius · 14-04-2015 08:05AM

Very sorry for your loss OP. My thoughts are with you. Your friend doesn't sound like much of a best friend to be honest. I can understand not making it home for the funeral with a small family but if my best friend lost her dad and I couldn't make the funeral, I'd do my best to call her as much as possible and be there however I could. Pretty callous of her to say everything is always about you, when you're grieving.

With that being said, you find over the years that friends grow apart, especially those who live in other countries. You're going through enough heartbreak at the the moment, so as hard as it may be, try not to focus on the hurt or disappointment her actions (or lack thereof) have caused you, as it will just compound your pain. You've been honest with her and that's all you can do with regards to your friendship. I've reassessed some of my close friendships after being let down badly and keep some of them at arm's length now. It's less hurtful.

When i lost someone close to me, I found writing my thoughts down helped sometimes. You might consider counselling? - It helps to talk to someone who is just there to listen and help, even for a few sessions. Lean on people who offer their support to you. Wishing you all the best.

LegacyUser · 14-04-2015 08:38PM

So sorry for your loss OP. In relation to your friend, I would be more forgiving, I know it hurts and I'm sure all through your darkest moments you were wishing she was with you and then the big anti climax...as if she didn't care. Sadly the death of a loved one is a very personal experience, even grief experienced varies among family members. Friends can turn up, express sympathy but a few minutes later they return to their normal lives because it's not their personal loss. I had close friends who never sympathised with me, not because they didn't care but because they were scared of how to approach me, how to address it, was it better to say nothing than upset me all over again. You find the people who react poorly are those who have yet to experience loss, perhaps your friend is in that category and when it does visit her it may be only then that she'll fully understand what you have gone through and how much she may have supported you.

That still doesn't remove the sense of abandonment by a friend at a time of grief but perhaps it may explain her lack of understanding. All I can advise is that there are still sad days ahead where you will miss your Dad terribly but you will reach a point where you can talk openly about him without being as sad and may even laugh remembering him. Keep strong OP and once again so sorry about your dad's passing.

LegacyUser · 17-04-2015 07:29PM

thank you everyone for taking the time out to respond to my message. I really appreciate it.

Since writing my message the other day she sent me a message about something else and there has been a bit of contact since. It was good to hear from her, but at the same time I cannot get away from what she said to me last week about 'everything being all about me'. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but it really hurt.

Obviously it's very difficult to explain our long friendship in this forum and I'm not going to even try to get into it all here but as mojesius advised I'm doing my best to try to focus on other things and generally just keep my mind off it.

Last Monday i was a complete wreck about it, but I've a bit more strength to deal with it now.

Losing someone you love changes you forever doesnt it...

Thank you again everyone. You're all very kind to take the time out to write a response to my post x

Friend has given little support since my Dad died

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