Things you'd like to say to them

L:
It's funny how the grief comes back at you from nowhere, a year and a half on. The smallest thing seems to hit me and remind me that I'll never see or talk to you again, even though we hadn't seen each other face to face in months before you went.
The people left behind all miss you and I know there's so many of us who think of you every single day- we even imagine your reaction to what people have said and been up to since last year, imagine the barbed comments that would have us on the floor laughing.

5 years gone. Everything feels so heavy today.

To my brother, I'm missin you all alone in the church.. Thinkin of 2moro is Breakin my heart xxxxxx I hope you can see how many people love you and came to see you today. You were so perfect and you looked so handsome. My sweet baby brother, I can't sleep, you should be here talkin nonsense & makin me laugh xxxx

I have my driving test on Tuesday. That's another milestone in my life you'll never know about. I did my leaving cert, got into university, dropped out of university, so much happened but when you knew me last I was in 5th year. I wonder what your life would be like if you were still here. I wonder if we could've put the past behind us and moved on, I even wonder if we ever would've ended up together even though there was a 4 year age gap between us, I had a mad crush on you and you said I was one of the prettiest girls you ever met. I spent so much time being angry at you for what you did but during your 3 year anniversary I forced myself to let go of the anger and the guilt. Halloween is always a hard time though, we always spent it together or on the phone or something. Weird how it was like our holiday.

You're the reason I appreciate the small things. You always said you'd take me out for my first legal pint but by the time I turned 18 you were gone for a year and a half already. I try to spill some beer for you whenever I drink Heineken. I miss you man.

Mam,


I wish I could sleep for the whole month of December, I feel angry at everyone. Living their normal lives, going about their business. Even feel really angry at my friends at times. I've been to the counsellor once so far, going again tonight. She made me feel great about myself when I left. Then the minute I got home I felt really down. Worried more so. She worried me a lot, told me if I didnt grieve for you now, it could hit me years down the line and really knock me out of my skin.
I asked her out straight, HOW am i supposed to grieve when I have to take part in LIFE! I have to go to work, I have to do housework when I get home, by the end of it all, I'm too tired for tears. I barely even feel like I can cry anymore. Every few days it all festers and then I explode.

I will ask her again tonight what exactly I should be doing, because I cannot see anything I'm doing wrong. If she expects me to sit in a ball and cry for you for weeks she is wrong. That's not how to deal with grief in my opinion. I want to start myself a little memory diary, with all memories of me and you and little pictures I have, whatever I'm feeling that day etc. That to me is a better way to deal with it, I still havent processed that you're gone yet. I find myself still walking into your room to tell you something, or going to ring you.

You were just so precious to me, the most precious person in my life. I dont know how to deal with my feelings now. I'm looking at all the things in my life I was unhappy with and I just want them all erased. I really dont know what to do about himself. Going to mention that to the counsellor tonight, I think because of how unhappy I am at work, affects me and him, and because I am so unhappy with the loss of you, its even MORE affecting me and him.

My head is a mess, a total jumbled up jigsaw and I dont know how to put it back together again.

I would love to see your smile again. Still cannot believe that card I was dealt on 6th of October. I hope 2015 brings me some good karma. I really really need it.

You where the most adored , admired and loved person to ever enter our world . 3 years has passed by since you went to heaven and we think of you ever day . We think of your courageous battle that gave us just 9 short weeks from diagnosis with you- did you ever know you where dying ? Did you really enjoy the last 9 weeks ? . As we enter Valentines weekend, we think of 53 years of marriage where you would always say the reason ye stayed together was 'never go to bed on an argument '- granny told us you sat on the chair all night when she would not accept your apology for calling her a card cheat- she misses you terribly !

You where called from us without meeting any of your great grandchildren , watch over them all as they grow and develop . Hearts are still broken , choked tears still form just not daily anymore . We will respect and love you forever

Did you send the two doves on your anniversary? I've never seen them around here before. It was weirdly comforting but I think it means you are leaving us now. I'm selfish as I want your spirit here with us. Maybe it will always be?

Hey Dad, your 1st anniversary has just passed and I think only now the reality is sinking in.... God I'm missing you!!! Love you xxxxx

Hey dad, Your grandson is making his confirmation tomorrow and even tho you are not going to be with us, I know you will be looking down on us. He is growing into a lovely young lad and you would be so proud of him.

Dad I miss you so much, please keep watching over us. xx

You hear people talking about cancer and you never understand till you lose someone. Its so quick and you hold onto hope so you never say good bye or the things you`d like to say. Its not fair that you had to leave, for you and for them. I`m sorry for all the things I messed up and for not being worthy of your faith in me. I love you and I hope you knew that. You will never leave my mind, I can still hear your voice. What a pleasure to have been lucky enough to have known you!