I've given up on my Father...

ellejola14 · 24-10-2014 09:22AM #1

Hi All,
Not a regular poster here, just check in sometimes but I'm hoping someone may be able to advise me on how to cope with the relationship I have with my father in which I have almost given up on.
Down through the years he has always been a good father but always ruled the house, including my mother. He has always had full control over everything. He was never a nasty man and we did have alot of fun times in my childhood but over the last number of years he has turned into a nasty, controlling, demanding and cantankerous old man.
He makes life miserable for my mother on a daily basis, he's always cross and argumentative and never has a nice word to say about anyone or anything. If you disagree with anything he says he erupts like a volcano and screams and roars at you, saying some extremely nasty and evil things. So many times hes said some nasty horrible things to me and I swore Id never return home but I end up going home for the sake of my mother.

Its come to it that I find it hard to feel any love for him anymore, what I've said is just the tip of the ice berg. I have no liking for the man as he brings misery to the whole household on a daily basis. Only for my mother I don't think id visit home anymore. He shows complete contempt towards me as I stand up to him.

Has anyone ever experienced a bad relationship with either of their parents and how did you work through it.
Thanks all.

westernlad4x · 24-10-2014 07:47PM

Hi Ellejola,

You must be in a difficult place being conflicted between the father figure you respected as a youngster and how he has become - an angry old man.

When I read this it rings a bell with an inlaw of mine.
I honestly think you are dealing with a classic narcissist given some of the traits you mention.
For example, control, ruling with fear, outbursts, lack of empathy.

It may help you to read up on narcissistic family dynamics and narcissistic personalities online and give you a perspective.
It is likely that he had these traits when you were younger but in the family setting it became normalised and it wasn't as clear to see as when you have fled the family nest.

One thing which I have read which happens with children of narcissists is that they may become co-dependent and they have difficulties in relationships because of the continuing influence the toxic parent has on them even when they have established a marriage or romantic partnership. I am definitely not implying this is case with you but it may have affected one or more of siblings (typically older ones).

I could be wrong with labelling him as narcissistic.
If I am wrong then I am wondering if this is an early sign of dementia but if he still is mentally active then it probably is not.
Your mum would be the best judge on that as she lives with him 24/7.

It is worth checking the online literature (and more) just to see if it fits what you have seen over the years.
In my own opinion limiting your contact is probably a good thing.
I feel for your mum though - having to live with that sort of behaviour.

freshpopcorn · 24-10-2014 08:13PM

How is your mother about the whole thing? Has she spoken to you or do you think she's miserable?
If things got really bad for her they are organisations out there that could help her.
Now I'm not defending your dad but is he more of the older generation. There was a time when the man often worked to support his family. He then gave his wife money to do the shopping and sometimes he even pickeked the meals. Now the man was good to his wife\family but it was sort of seen as normal then but times have changed since then.
The rest of it he just sounds like a grumpy old man. Sometimes people are like this all there lives and they can't accept\listen to other peoples opinions.

ellejola14 · 24-10-2014 08:18PM

westernlad4x wrote: »

Hi Ellejola,

You must be in a difficult place being conflicted between the father figure you respected as a youngster and how he has become - an angry old man.

When I read this it rings a bell with an inlaw of mine.
I honestly think you are dealing with a classic narcissist given some of the traits you mention.
For example, control, ruling with fear, outbursts, lack of empathy.

It may help you to read up on narcissistic family dynamics and narcissistic personalities online and give you a perspective.
It is likely that he had these traits when you were younger but in the family setting it became normalised and it wasn't as clear to see as when you have fled the family nest.

One thing which I have read which happens with children of narcissists is that they may become co-dependent and they have difficulties in relationships because of the continuing influence the toxic parent has on them even when they have established a marriage or romantic partnership. I am definitely not implying this is case with you but it may have affected one or more of siblings (typically older ones).

I could be wrong with labelling him as narcissistic.
If I am wrong then I am wondering if this is an early sign of dementia but if he still is mentally active then it probably is not.
Your mum would be the best judge on that as she lives with him 24/7.

It is worth checking the online literature (and more) just to see if it fits what you have seen over the years.
In my own opinion limiting your contact is probably a good thing.
I feel for your mum though - having to live with that sort of behaviour.

Thanks for your reply westernlad...
You are right in saying he shows narcissistic behaviour. When I arrive home you can instantly feel the tension or mood in the house as soon as you walk through the door. Driving home I can feel myself filling up with dread and I count down the hours until I can leave again.
My father sits in the corner all day every day, even though hes a farmer he has no interest in anything but putting his energy into acting like the whole world is about to end. There's no fun, no zest for life just doom and gloom.
The man hasn't a worry kind, no illness, no money worries, a large close nit family and so on but still decides to act like this.
My mother is now suffering from depression and has been prescribed medication, she's close to tears every time I ring her. She's a very quiet lady and I know she would never stand up for herself against him.
The thing that really bothers me is that my older sister who has always been my fathers "blue eyed girl" so to speak always makes excuses for him and refuses to believe anything is wrong. My father will NEVER act up in front of her and only does so when she's not there. He also behaves like a completely different person around other people such as neighbours & family.
Its like a case of Jeckle and Hyde.
Codependency is a problem I have had, Ive strived to make sure other people are always happy forgetting my needs and as a result i suffer myself but Ive gradually come away from that and put myself first alot more now.

It has really come to a point that I can no longer cope with his behaviour and I feel we need some drastic action. I don't want my mum to suffer any longer, I can't bear to see her so sad. Its just knowing what can be done is the question.

ellejola14 · 24-10-2014 08:29PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

How is your mother about the whole thing? Has she spoken to you or do you think she's miserable?
If things got really bad for her they are organisations out there that could help her.
Now I'm not defending your dad but is he more of the older generation. There was a time when the man often worked to support his family. He then gave his wife money to do the shopping and sometimes he even pickeked the meals. Now the man was good to his wife\family but it was sort of seen as normal then but times have changed since then.
The rest of it he just sounds like a grumpy old man. Sometimes people are like this all there lives and they can't accept\listen to other peoples opinions.

Thanks freshpopcorn...
No unfortunately its a whole lot more than a grumpy old man. My mother cries all the time.. shes completely miserable and says she walks on egg shells morning to night. He flares up at her for the smallest things. When he gets angry you are afraid because he comes at you in a rage. She does everything for him and never says a word but he treats her appallingly. She worked all her life but gave up about 10 years ago when she became ill. She has always paid for everything herself, never depended on him. Now he questions everything she spends money on.
My father was always the boss but he never caused misery. The last few years have been unbearable but I cant see how it will ever change.

freshpopcorn · 24-10-2014 08:38PM

Now I know it won't solve the problem but would it be possible for her to do a night class or some form of activity to get her out of the house it might help a little.

ellejola14 · 24-10-2014 08:43PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Now I know it won't solve the problem but would it be possible for her to do a night class or some form of activity to get her out of the house it might help a little.

I've suggested this to her and she said she'd love to but because we live in a rural area there are little or no options for this sort of thing. Plus my mum is a very quiet shy person and finds social situations difficult sometimes so I suggested she ask my Aunt who is married to my fathers brother to join her. She too is in similar situation. I do think its a family trait as I believe that my Grandfather was not a pleasant man and also made life difficult when he was alive.

Mam of 4 · 24-10-2014 10:02PM

Have no words of advice for you at all, my own father was what I would call controlling, always right and his word was law .

I often said , and still say I love him , but sometimes he can make it very hard to like him. .

Neyite · 25-10-2014 07:16AM

ellejola14 wrote: »

I've suggested this to her and she said she'd love to but because we live in a rural area there are little or no options for this sort of thing. Plus my mum is a very quiet shy person and finds social situations difficult sometimes so I suggested she ask my Aunt who is married to my fathers brother to join her. She too is in similar situation. I do think its a family trait as I believe that my Grandfather was not a pleasant man and also made life difficult when he was alive.

You are right that its learned behaviour- often women who had controlling or domineering fathers marry similar men, boys see a domineering fathers example and know no better.

Your mother might not get to get away from the house easily - he won't want her energies focused elsewhere on something that isn't him. And he would probably do his best to suck any joy away that she gets out of the course.

Could she do an online course? This one would be an excellent starting point for her. Its offered in classroom version by women's aid all over the UK and is reportedly excellent. It might be worthwhile for you to do it too. It explains dominant behaviours and offers coping strategies, but likely the big eye opener for her will be how many other women are suffering this kind of emotional abuse. Oh, and I'd keep it from your sister if your mother does do this course.

westernlad4x · 25-10-2014 11:35AM

There are some good replies here about seeing if there is some outlet for your dear mother to get her out of the pressure cooker that is your old family home.

One thing I noticed in your reply was the perception that your oldest sister (blue eyed/golden haired,etc) had an easier time with him and made excuses.
I could be wrong but based on the profile which I've read things may not be that good at all for her. Without going over psycho-babbly it is likely that she was selected by him as the one to be the primary supply for his ego and she may find life tough because of an endless cycle of trying to seek approval from him and not getting unconditional love.

So, what might come across on the surface as her being defensive of him may be an unconscious fear based relationship where he is in massive control of her life even into adulthood.
I only say that so that you might understand her predicament a bit more.

I have a feeling links to articles aren't always welcome on the forum (I could be wrong).
To read a bit more (just for your own sanity) google psychology narcissistic family tree.

Sergio · 28-10-2014 03:03PM

Very interesting topic and i have come to realize myself in the past year in particular that both my parents are the definition of Narcissism. We are a family of 6 (4 boys) all grown up now. There is a split in the family and i am the only one really that has a proper relationship with one of my older brothers. My parents do talk with him the past 12 months and ive been stuck in the middle. My parents got my two other brothers and me initially involved in their argument with my brother and his wife. years ago which has spiraled out of control the past few years and none of them including my parents have any relationship with my godson/nephew whose my older brothers son.They literally cut the child out of their life over the arguements with my brother and his wife and never acknowledged his last 3 birthdays,xmas first day in school etc.

My youngest brother got married last weekend and i have been trying to mend the rift and get my folks to sort things with my brothers so we could all be together for the last family wedding but unfortunately it wasn't to be and my brother and his family never got invited to the wedding. The whole feud was caused by my "Narcissistic" parents thinking there always right and not willing to put their pride aside for the sake of the family. Sadly i reckon now that my older brother will never speak to any of them again and i suppose i cant blame him either!

Apologies for hijacking the thread to the original poster. I do sympathize with you and your issue with your father and at least you might get some comfort that there's plenty of other people in the same boat as yourself. Only advice now is to put yourself first and foremost and keep your distance from your father in particular.

mazdaminx · 29-10-2014 10:46AM

I have a relationship with my mother in which I usually dread visiting her, I don't like being at home with her, especially on my own. I've found the following help. on journey to her I think of all other parts of my life and not just her. I try to relax as much as possible and I take far less notice of her actions and words as I used to, for my sanity. I get out of house for a walk. I ask her what she wants to do and that's what we do. Every year I absolutely dread Christmas because of her.

If I ever have children I swear they will have a home they want to come to.

Best of luck - If I was you I would try very hard and think far less about impending visits to reduce anxiety.

I've given up on my Father...

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