Ignoring parents with dementia?

stpaddy99 · 29-05-2014 01:32AM #1

It seems sir ian botham did this andignored his dad in the last 6 months of his life and he encouraged all his family to do the same and not visit him

he said he didnt want to see his dad like that and it would distort his memory of his dad

he also felt it didnt benefit his dad by him and the family being there seeing him like that

he thought his dad would be mortified to go through the humiliation of his last years and would have sooner jumped off a cliff than go through that

is botham being harsh or is it totally understandable? How do you feel about visiting your parents or relatives with dementia....is it better if n0o one visits them and we all just remember them as they were?

ryan101 · 29-05-2014 01:49AM

Your parents are still your parents. Should parents refuse to visit children with brain damage or such like ?
Sir Ian is just another self centred, self interested dick looking for excuses.

Teagwee · 29-05-2014 01:59AM

It seems there's more than one kind of dementia - his father wasn't the only one suffering from memory loss, but at least he had an excuse!

josip · 29-05-2014 02:03AM

I can't imagine not wanting to see my parents.
Is it upsetting for the parents with dementia to be visited by their children? Very little dementia in our family. We've a grand aunt who'd ask the same question a few times, but she'd know who we all are and she seems to enjoy our visits.

h2005 · 29-05-2014 02:04AM

Thankfully have never had to deal with it so I've no idea. Such a cruel way to go.

The Backwards Man · 29-05-2014 02:12AM

I've had a few relations that had different forms of dementia, it's a terrible disease, I had an aunt that was diagnosed in her forties.

I couldn't imagine ignoring someone who had it though, I think you'd have to be especially callous to do that. I always say if I start to dote to shoot me, but then my aunt who contracted Alzheimer's in her forties used to always say that too.

29-05-2014 03:18AM

My grandmother had early dementia and it wasn't fun. She died before it took hold. My mother has symptoms and has told us all to put her in a home and not bother our arses when she stops recognising us.

Louis Theroux, much as I don't like the guy, did a great documentary about this.

obplayer · 29-05-2014 03:36AM

stpaddy99 wrote: »

It seems sir ian botham did this andignored his dad in the last 6 months of his life and he encouraged all his family to do the same and not visit him

he said he didnt want to see his dad like that and it would distort his memory of his dad

he also felt it didnt benefit his dad by him and the family being there seeing him like that

he thought his dad would be mortified to go through the humiliation of his last years and would have sooner jumped off a cliff than go through that

is botham being harsh or is it totally understandable? How do you feel about visiting your parents or relatives with dementia....is it better if n0o one visits them and we all just remember them as they were?

How can you tell what they understand about the world around them? They may well be recognizing you but unable to say. You have to act on the best option, even if you never get a response to support it.

catbear · 29-05-2014 03:45AM

Ian Botham isn't doing himself any favours, we all deteriorate in the end. I think what he's describing is an idealised version of his father, which isn't related to reality.

R.D. aka MR.D · 29-05-2014 03:50AM

My Grandmother is really bad and in all honesty, I'll probably never see her again.
The last time I was in Ireland visiting, it was really upsetting. My mother cares for her half of the week in our house but she couldn't leave me alone with her because she would wake up from a nap or something and find a 'stranger' in the house. She would be really scared.

I would have to call my father (a man that in her better days my grandmother despised with a passion) to come home to comfort her.
At other times, she would get really aggressive because she thought i was an intruder.

I've grieved for my granny. A woman who made me who I am today and has always supported me. She's gone now and so is her memory of her first granddaughter who she used to tell everyone about because she was so proud.

I know my presence is no comfort to her and is in fact the opposite. It's scary for her to have a stranger in her house or her daughters house who seems to be making herself at home! I'm a grown woman who had to stand crying in the back hall saying 'This is my house, granny' over and over before eventually having to wait outside until a family member who she recognized could come back.

I feel it would be selfish to inflict myself on her.

deco nate · 29-05-2014 04:20AM

For anyone that has really experienced this.
It is such a hard thing to go through, seeing someone you know so well degread into old memories, and no matter how
You tell them that the people they are talking about have past. Yet they still believe they just talked to them the day before. It is Hartbreaking.
I went through this, I was brought up by my grandparents. My grandmother died first, 15 year's before my grandfather
Started to loom into dementia.

It's so hard to explain to anyone that has not gone through this to let them know
How it effects those involved.

We had no help from the government, in any way, shape or form! We did try, but those
Charitys are understaffed, and overwhelmed . we did try to get a break from the stresses.
But respite was under staffed
And overloaded with requests.

It really is sad to see it come to this. I really hope no one has to go through the pain that my family, and many others have gone through.
But in saying this,
I am sure many others will.

Edit :bottom line is... They took care of you, you should take care of them.!

29-05-2014 05:39AM

deco nate wrote: »

For anyone that has really experienced this.
It is such a hard thing to go through, seeing someone you know so well degread into old memories, and no matter how
You tell them that the people they are talking about have past. Yet they still believe they just talked to them the day before. It is Hartbreaking.
I went through this, I was brought up by my grandparents. My grandmother died first, 15 year's before my grandfather
Started to loom into dementia.

It's so hard to explain to anyone that has not gone through this to let them know
How it effects those involved.

We had no help from the government, in any way, shape or form! We did try, but those
Charitys are understaffed, and overwhelmed . we did try to get a break from the stresses.
But respite was under staffed
And overloaded with requests.

It really is sad to see it come to this. I really hope no one has to go through the pain that my family, and many others have gone through.
But in saying this,
I am sure many others will.

Edit :bottom line is... They took care of you, you should take care of them.!

All I can say is I feel for you. Like I said above my grandmother started to show signs of it but thankfully died a peaceful death at home before it took hold. My grandfather too had started to slip before he went, but that was just age at work. He was 97. My mother worries for us, not herself, because since her 50s she has started to get the same confusion, worry and memory lapses my gran had. She has said to us though, not to break our backs looking after her, the day she stops recognising us, she gives us permission to walk away if we want to. I doubt I ever could, either.

NIMAN · 29-05-2014 05:41AM

You'd be a cold-hearted bastard to ignore your parents if they got dementia.

Kirby · 29-05-2014 05:46AM

NIMAN wrote: »

You'd be a cold-hearted bastard to ignore your parents if they got dementia.

They aren't your parents anymore once they lose their minds. Your mind is what dictates who you are.

If I had dementia, I would hope my family carted me off to a home. It's the right thing to do. "I" am gone and the husk that remains shouldn't be a burden on them. A slight financial burden might be inevitable but they shouldn't have to deal with feeding me, dressing me, wiping my arse and just the daily reminder of what happened to me.

Canis Lupus · 29-05-2014 05:47AM

I think if they were totally gone ie didn't know themselves/family etc then arguably who is really being hurt by ignoring them assuming they were being taken care of well by a nursing home.

deco nate · 29-05-2014 05:52AM

Ah, holy ****!! I really hope you people don't have to go through the pain we have gone through! I pray for your parents also, for having kids like you.

You really haven't got a clue about it, yes sometimes they don't know who you are, but
For the most part They know
Those around them they know, be it drifting in and out.

29-05-2014 05:59AM

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xs16mn_extreme-love-dementia_shortfilms

This is a fantastic documentary about dementia. Includes a wife who now has to tolerate her husband's love for another woman, and a son who comes to see his mother every few weeks but she rarely recognises him. Hard to watch, but gives a great insight, and I understand now how people can walk away from a person with dementia. They aren't the person you knew before.

Before he went my grandfather always thought my brother was 18. He was 28 when my grandad died, but forever in Grandad's mind Mike was 18. He also counted years 50 years before, such as 2001 and 9/11 happened in 1951, hence he told me I was too young to remember it (I was 20). He said my mother was born in 1900 (1950) and he also thought his great grandkid, Darragh, was another grandkid, because he thought my cousin, Darragh's dad, was about to do his Leaving Cert (he was 37). It wasn't too hard for us to deal with because in this case it was age alone, he was 97 when he died, but when it happens to younger people, wow, I feel so much for those families.

Kirby · 29-05-2014 06:09AM

deco nate wrote: »

Ah, holy ****!! I really hope you people don't have to go through the pain we have gone through! I pray for your parents also, for having kids like you.

You are making some assumptions here. You assume that because somebody disagrees with your opinion on dementia that they have no experience with it. You would be mistaken.

deco nate wrote: »

You really haven't got a clue about it, yes sometimes they don't know who you are, but For the most part They know
Those around them they know, be it drifting in and out.

And you are basing this on.....what exactly? Anecdotal evidence? Scientific fact? I have a relative currently with dementia. She doesn't even know who she is, let alone who anyone else is.

You can tell yourself whatever lies or platitudes makes you feel better.....but the moment you try lumping them on to other people, you will meet resistance.

deco nate · 29-05-2014 06:18AM

I am am speaking from taking care of my own, that is fact!
Living with someone that I cared about, and taken care of them. As they took care of me
In my very early years, it was the least I could do for him.
That is were I am "coming"
From.
Dont ever ****ing call me a liar! You don't have a clue!
Just cause someone in your family is suffering from dementia. Yet how much time do you spend with them?!
**** off! I'll

Canis Lupus · 29-05-2014 06:36AM

deco nate wrote: »

I am am speaking from taking care of my own, that is fact!
Living with someone that I cared about, and taken care of them. As they took care of me
In my very early years, it was the least I could do for him.
That is were I am "coming"
From.
Dont ever ****ing call me a liar! You don't have a clue!
Just cause someone in your family is suffering from dementia. Yet how much time do you spend with them?!
**** off! I'll

Step away from the pc.

deco nate · 29-05-2014 06:40AM

Canis Lupus wrote: »

Step away from the pc.

Phone...
Also, unfollowed.

oldyouth · 29-05-2014 07:58AM

Deleted User wrote: »

My grandmother had early dementia and it wasn't fun. She died before it took hold. My mother has symptoms and has told us all to put her in a home and not bother our arses when she stops recognising us.

Louis Theroux, much as I don't like the guy, did a great documentary about this.

Im investigating ways to legally enforce this, should the same happen to me. My mother in law has it and it is a nasty, nasty illness, especially when the person was so vibrant in their prime

Teyla Emmagan · 29-05-2014 08:03AM

My friend's Mam has Alzheimer's. She speaks very little now, I think she's had it about 8 years. Is basically totally unresponsive most of the time. They care for her at home (they've been incredible). Most of the time she will only react to smile at her grandchildren. And then she looked at him a few months ago and called his name. It's been about 3 years since he heard his own mother use his name. But she gets these flashes of clarity. I would never leave either of my parents sitting in a nursing home wondering why they had been abandoned, even if it was just a few minutes a day. The brain is an incredible thing, even when it starts to deteriorate.

Penny Tration · 29-05-2014 08:08AM

My grandad died from it less than a year ago. Had it for quite a few years.

A llot of his family refused to visit, as it was upsetting for them. Most of his sons didn't visit.

For the last year, he couldn't say more than one word, couldn't eat, couldn't walk, etc. He had no idea who anyone was, bar his wife.

He didn't have a clue who I was for 3 years, but i went to see him all the time anyway.

One day, he called me by my name. It's honestly the most lovely, heartwarming thing I've ever heard. He died shortly after, and I'm so thankful that I ddidn't stop visiting him. I would have missed that moment of lucidity.

Tail Docker · 29-05-2014 08:08AM

I'd say in his moments of lucidness, Sir Ians Dad was probably thinking "wow, what a great son, gosh, I'm glad I bothered raising him".
"Sir". Lol. For what, "services to ford escorts?"

sunflower27 · 29-05-2014 08:08AM

I work in the field of dementia and it is truly heartbreaking seeing a grown adult so fearful of the world around them. It is so important that they feel cared for - even if they are unable to remember who a loved one is. Being with them and comforting them that they are being looked after is so important.

Carers Week is being held June 9 to 15 and there are plenty of events going on around the country if anyone here is a carer of a family member/friend and wants some support.

steveone · 29-05-2014 08:14AM

My 83 y/o father is on his way-life for the rest of us is starting to slow up because of it. I know for a fact that i'm going to feel like botham however i'd never abandon him

kneemos · 29-05-2014 08:15AM

Know of a couple of people with relatives in that situation,a husband and mother,neither of them visited very much.They both said they didn't want to see them that way and they didn't know who they were when they did visit.
A common thing with both was that they thought they were upsetting each other,the relatives by seeing their loved ones and the dementia sufferers having to sit in a room with strangers.

ronjo · 29-05-2014 08:24AM

My dad is 82 and has mild dementia.

A few weeks ago himself and my mother were due to fly out to visit me and the family like they do every 3-4 months in Central Europe.
He fell the night before the flight and broke a small bone and has been in a hospice since.
My Mum says its getting worse (physically he is slowly improving) and she is just praying when he gets home he will improve.

Its very scary.

I will fly my family over in 5 weeks and I really hope he will be ok with this as my 3 year old adores him and of course wont understand.

MY CUP OF TEA · 29-05-2014 09:07AM

Alzheimers has been quite common in my mothers family, most of them hadnt showed any symptoms untill they were well into their 70's. I know thats still young by todays standards but there were people in the nursing homes in their 50's which I think must be even more horrendous on the family!

My mother is terrified she will have it and insists that if it happens, we are to put her in a home, she doesnt want a) to be a burden and b)have the embarrasement of us seeing her like that!

I know thats her wish but if it came to it, I dont think we would ever be able to do it..there are five of us (me and my siblings) and between us all we'd just try and care for her ourselves.

and the end of the day...its my mam!!

shruikan2553 · 29-05-2014 09:13AM

My great grandmother had it. Rarely spoke and couldn't remember anyone. luckily for me and her whenever she would visit her daughter/my grandmother she didn't know who I was but she knew I was supposed to be there. "Its that man who lives here" is what she would say. I'm just happy she wasn't terrified about me being a stranger.

Ignoring parents with dementia?

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