Feeling scared and need help

TaiHusky · 20-05-2014 06:51PM #1

Lately I have been getting a lot of hassle when I'm out and about. I'm 18 and fairly obvious (blue hair, piercings, fashion) but I keep to myself and give my upmost respect to everyone I meet. Now, I do get a lot of compliments which are absolutely flattering and make me realise just how awesome people are becoming. But I have been getting hassled a lot more lately. I used to get it a lot but it was bullying in my early school years and it stopped around 4th year as people matured but now I am expiriencing something very different. Its no longer just being called fag, its getting threats, people taking pictures and being followed. I live in South dublin suburbs near Dundrum and its a lovely area with somewhat high class people I guess. I rarely get grief other then from some little snot nosed brat. But I will be attending college in Ballyfermot and I have heard horror stories from friends. Now, im not one to generalise but I do know that since its a newer adition to the city it does have its fair share of intollerent scumbags. while I don't have any first hand expiriences in Ballyfermot yet, I have been getting so much **** in town. I mean, I don't feel safe anymore. I have to walk into cafe's and shops to avoid people and pretend to be part of a group so I dont get bothered. But I have had people shove me and tell me to go hang myself and had knives pulled on me (even stabbed in the past). I really thought this was all over but its come back so much worse and I rally am scared. What can I do about this? Is it legal to have pepper spray or tazers in Ireland? I keep getting told I have to hide my "gaynes" but for **** sake, I did not go through 5 years of life crisis' to hide what I have finally made myself proud of.

Ash885 · 20-05-2014 08:15PM

I'm sorry to hear your problem

This might be a bit of a ramble but...I think a lot of people will share in your pain at this sort of treatment. What I've found though is a contributing factor is my own paranoia though. Obviously if it's physical then that's a bit more severe than paranoia, but I'd try not to let this dampen what could be a great experience. You might find the worst people anywhere, but ultimately you might find good, honest or even good friends too. I always think if I'm in this place, it's not within the realm of possibility that someone like me is there too. So don't feel like you're alone or singled out, as hard that is to think.

Incidently I was out a week ago with a lad outside the club and we were just having an ole smouch, minding our own business. A few "scumbags" walked past us calling us fags and being a bit awful. Call it the alcohol in my system but I started giving it back to them saying they don't know what they're missing, laughing at them for being so insecure. When I turned it back on them they literally scattered off hah, so I wouldn't be too worried about tracksuit bottoms and a dodegy haircut, bullies are always cowards at the end of the day.

DazMarz · 20-05-2014 08:36PM

First off, pepper-spray/Mace/tazers are HIGHLY ILLEGAL in Ireland. Even if you use one in self-defence, you are asking to be in more trouble than your would-be attackers, so definitely do NOT try to acquire or use any of those personal weapons.

Secondly, (now that the legalities are out of the way), I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. Being bullied/intimidated/attacked is never pleasant, but it is especially hard when it because of something that you cannot change (ie. a fat kid can lose weight; a gay kid cannot stop being gay). I hope you are not too shaken.

Thirdly, you will be amazed at how tolerant people in third level institutions actually are, regardless of where they are based. There are scumbags and intolerant people everywhere. They don't always have dodgy haircuts and tracksuits. More often than not, they have suits, are well groomed... and hold a bible.

Fourthly, and maybe this is not something you want to hear... but have you considered toning your image down a bit? I hate saying this, I really do, because I'd be one who would think "Fúck it, let people do what they want and dress how they want." Some of the nicest people in the world are the ones who dress the most out of the ordinary; some of the biggest dicks/arseholes in the world are dressed in nice suits. But as a measure to possibly prevent getting hurt again, would some form of a tone-down be a possibility? At all?

I know you said you don't want to, and you are totally and completely within your rights to dress and appear in whatever way you want, but it may be a way to prevent the intolerant-fúckwit-brigade homing in on you straight away.

If you do wish to keep your image, there is a further compromise; wear a heavy metal t-shirt. Seriously. Stick a Slayer/Iron Maiden/Megadeth/Exodus t-shirt on ya and you'll just look like a metal-head and people will be less likely to hassle you.

Whatever happens, though, I hope you keep safe, be happy... and don't let the bastards wear you down.

Ten of Swords · 21-05-2014 06:07AM

You don't want to go down the route of carrying weapons around with you, it will lead to big trouble - for you if you're caught or for someone else if you use one. It is also worth keeping in mind that the law considers stun-gun type weapons to be firearms and the penalties for having one are severe.

Criminal Justice Act 2006, section 26

I'm sorry you've had hassle in the past. Overall Dublin is reasonably safe but sadly you are bound to run into homophobic people somewhere. Do you know any of the people that follow and photograph you or are they always strangers? Have you reported these assaults? Particularly where you were threatned with a knife? I'm not surprised you feel constantly unsafe if you were stabbed before, I hope you've been able to move on from that. It seems pretty insensitive of your friends to be telling you horror stories when I presume they know about the difficulties you've been facing. Are these stories based on fact or anecdotal stories they've heard about?

Ballyfermot as a region does have a bit of a reputation but the college itself should be fine and the faculty will have support structures in places and procedures if you feel you are being bullied or victimised. As for the area itself, how do you plan to get to/from college, driving or public transport?

As Daith said, it's not your fault. Stay strong

TaiHusky · 21-05-2014 05:26PM

Ten of Swords wrote: »

You don't want to go down the route of carrying weapons around with you, it will lead to big trouble - for you if you're caught or for someone else if you use one. It is also worth keeping in mind that the law considers stun-gun type weapons to be firearms and the penalties for having one are severe.

I'm sorry you've had hassle in the past. Overall Dublin is reasonably safe but sadly you are bound to run into homophobic people somewhere. Do you know any of the people that follow and photograph you or are they always strangers? Have you reported these assaults? Particularly where you were threatned with a knife? I'm not surprised you feel constantly unsafe if you were stabbed before, I hope you've been able to move on from that. It seems pretty insensitive of your friends to be telling you horror stories when I presume they know about the difficulties you've been facing. Are these stories based on fact or anecdotal stories they've heard about?

Ballyfermot as a region does have a bit of a reputation but the college itself should be fine and the faculty will have support structures in places and procedures if you feel you are being bullied or victimised. As for the area itself, how do you plan to get to/from college, driving or public transport?

As Daith said, it's not your fault. Stay strong

Thank you all so so much for your'e replies. I have reported the assaults in my area and it does stop them. A big problem I had was that there is a council estate beside my estate and while I am by no means rich, I was seen as posh (im am the definition of middle class). But a lot of my friends and my boyfriend live there so I used to go there alot. but when it got out that I was gay I had people as old as 25 ganging up in me in freaking huge groups and beating me to a pulp while my friends just watched horrified. We reported every time until I got stabbed. at that stage the police intervened and closed in on alot of these asswipes. I just don't go up there anymore but I still do see them in the area and they shout things but they know the police have a close eye on me and will go lenghts for my family at this stage. I mean, I dont care about comments. I just laugh it off and remind them that they live in a ****hole and are unemployed, in their 20's and are harrasing someone whos 18 and obviously defesless. But yeah, when things get physical I get scared. And I don't do anything at all to bring it on, im usually wearing headphone then one asks for a light and when I turn to look at him he punches me in the face and screams **** like "you will ****ing die for being a pillow biting fag". Its terrifying, i mean I try to ignore it and just walk to the closest shop or adult but I want to scream for help and ****ing leg it. I really am scared now days. And sometimes the comments do get to me. Im not looking for sympathy but Ive delt with eating disorders, molestation, self harm and suicide attempts. And my dad recently passed away so Im not exactly very hard. I mean, my problem is I just want to be held, told **** will be okay and have someone scare them off. I really am not able to deal with this stuff.

McKrab · 21-05-2014 08:51PM

Fair play, I'm actually really impressed by how far you're willing to go, how much **** you're willing to take to preserve your identity. If it were me, I definitely would have cracked by now.

That said and as much as I hate to suggest this, if you're getting literally attacked, it might be time to tone down your appearance a tad. If it's bothering you (which of course it is, since it would bother anyone) it's the only reasonable option I can think of.

Ten of Swords · 21-05-2014 11:06PM

You're not going to know what the college and the area are like until you've spent some time there, please go with an open mind rather than dwell on the horror stories you've been hearing. I don't know what's going on with your neighbourhood but not everywhere is that openly hostile. Staring is one thing but unprovoked assault is quite another, I'm glad the gardai stepped in when it escalated.

It's up to you if you feel you need to tone down your appearance (or not) if you think it's specifically making you a target but you shouldn't be afraid to express who you are. It sounds like you have dealt with a lot and you certainly don't deserve to live in fear all the time.

TaiHusky wrote: »

I just laugh it off and remind them that they live in a ****hole and are unemployed

Not so sure that this is a good idea, this will just give them a reason to pick on you. Best not get into a war of words with them especially if they're so quick to get physical.

TaiHusky · 22-05-2014 12:05AM

McKrab wrote: »

it might be time to tone down your appearance a tad

I know in a lot of ways it grabs attention and I frequently have lovely people and arseholes ask why I dress the way I do or why the hair/piercings etc. But, theres honestly no reason. Its not a statement, its not for attention. I just wear what looks cool and fun to me and I go thru hair colors like theres no tomorrow. I just like odd, unique, out of the ordinary things. Its not to stand out, it just really appeals to me. But it seems people think i do it to be noticed, and I do get noticed, and im not going to say I dont like having people approach me with compliments or questions with good intention. It gives me the oppertunity to say express yourself however you want and dont feel like you should hold back. Im at the age where im trying different things and while some are hit and miss I do feel it takes courage to be this willing to try things. I dont want to just keep the same hair color and style my whole life cause it suits and fits the social norm my school seems obsessed with. My friends and I express ourselves thru art, music and our appearence and I think its very nice to see people who let so much hang out. It gives you a good sense of their personality at first glance and while I do get the odd scowl from and old fart or slags of every asswipe, I do get a lot of positive feedback and have met some awesome people as a result. Like who knew my looks would get me friends!! haha.

Anyway, Im drunk, its late and Im straying off topic. I think its just about indurence in a way. Its how I dealt for so long without hiding myself. I dont really know how to tone myself down. When I wear things like hoodies or polo shirts I just feel insecure, like I am denying my soul the feeling of being myself. Its difficult to explain but in a way, imagine being asked to be what you are not or to tone yourself down. While I understand completely that its advice and fairly sound advice, I hope my wierd blabbering has shown why that may be difficult for me. But I am, as always, thankful for you taking the time to reply

TaiHusky · 22-05-2014 12:11AM

Ten of Swords wrote: »

You're not going to know what the college and the area are like until you've spent some time there, please go with an open mind rather than dwell on the horror stories you've been hearing.

I have been there before and was actually there today handing in my acceptence letter to BCFE. I mean, the area looks fine, maybe a bit rough and ready with the halting sites. But I was getting some looks and comments from people (mostly middle ages women, school was on so no teens). I mean, I understand I do stand out a bit there but they shouldnt feel the need to say nasty things. I'm just afraid that if thats what women are saying, what will younger lads be saying and/or doing. But I dont want to make too many assumptions. I do get lookers in Dundrum, they just never pass comment, or if they do its usually nice.

the_syco · 22-05-2014 12:27AM

My classmates in Ballyfermot ten years ago were not gay, but they still got hassle from the local scumbags. Ensure you get the bus to outside the front door of the college, and you should be grand. I was 6 foot 6 wearing a full length black trenchcoat and assume this is why I didn't get any hassle.

DazMarz wrote: »

If you do wish to keep your image, there is a further compromise; wear a heavy metal t-shirt. Seriously. Stick a Slayer/Iron Maiden/Megadeth/Exodus t-shirt on ya and you'll just look like a metal-head and people will be less likely to hassle you.

Hahahahaha. Yeah, this will work. You'll probably get slagged for liking heavy metal, but the majority will assume you're a weird metaller (we're mostly all weird in some way).

=-=

Would you ever think of taking part in some sort of martial arts? So you know how to block blows, etc.

qweerty · 22-05-2014 01:18AM

OP sounds pretty cool. I wish eccentric fashion suited me; I can't even pull-off wearing Converse, and have to make do with the preppy look

Erm...what can I contribute? Not much, tbh! I would urge that you not change how you want to portray yourself, but you seem to be resisting that...so no need. You can take some minor steps, though, to allow you to be inconspicuous when it's desirable without compromising your identity: a hat, a neutral jacket, etc

Wearing headphones, crossing the road well in advance of approaching a group, and walking quite quickly is pretty standard, but nonetheless useful, advice.

bodice ripper · 22-05-2014 09:15AM

I used to get a lot of **** from the locals when I was in college (the college is in Summerhill in Dublin...), i had blue hair with parts of it shaved. Got loads of homophobic **** shouted at me, even though none of these people had any reason to think I wasn't straight. Hasn't happened in years now, which I attribute to two things. One, I am never in Summerhill now, and two, my age. I honestly think I have moved out of the age range of these eejits.

December2012 · 22-05-2014 07:28PM

I'm not lgbtq - I hope it's ok to respond?

I echo the suggestion for martial arts training - NOT so you can use it as such, but to give you confidence.

My kids do it (school age) and I bring them to it because research indicates that if you study a martial art you get less afraid of being hit. Then you are less likely to be a target (targets often being picked because of a perceived weakness).

Of course it does make you more confident that if you were attacked then you could get away after defending yourself initially.

You've been through a lot and I'm sorry for your loss.

You're a very admirable guy.

And: everything WILL be ok.

TaiHusky · 23-05-2014 04:11PM

Thankyou again for your advice. Im extremely greatful. I do recall doing self defence in 4th year and maybe it would be a good idea to persue that for a while. Of course, I'd hope it would never come to a stage where I would have to use it but if I were attacked it would be good to give myself enough time to get out of harms way. I hope to be driving in and out comenew years. I have saved up for a good while now and it would mean minimal contact with any scumbags. I really hate this though, it takes away from the college experience. I love seeing new places and did'nt want to shut myself out of Ballyfermot but unfortunately I can see the verbal and in some cases physical abuse may become an issue. Has anyone had issues like this on the bus?

Ten of Swords · 23-05-2014 07:33PM

The bus should be OK for the most part, it really depends on what time of the day you get it. Late at night would probably carry a somewhat higher risk than during the day. Do you know what route(s) you will be using? I think 40 and 18 stop at the college if I'm not mistaken.

Driving would be ideal for you anyway as it would give you the freedom to come and go whenever (I always used to hate being bound by bus/luas/train timetables!) but while you are using public transport don't rule out the fact that you will make friends at the college and if they live near you or at least on your way home you won't have to travel alone and will be far less likely to run into difficulty. If you are on your own just put in your headphones and read a book/magazine etc and just filter out the world. Don't respond to provocations, you've said you do this when the guys in the housing estates start on you.

J_E · 24-05-2014 10:35AM

Call me 'conservative', but to be honest if you feel your appearance is giving you that much grief, I wouldn't see any harm in toning it down, at least in a public capacity. I know that isn't the popular opinion and would be considered oppressive, but if you're in an area where a certain 'look' is a no-go and people are going to attack you over anything that isn't a tracksuit and an "ah jaysus, howya", it might give you more self-security and confidence to have a more subtle tone of the same persona that makes you, you. That's just my opinion!

Alternatively, if you are getting a lot of trouble, try find a friend that takes a similar commute and hang out together. Far less likely to be hassled if you are not alone.

Just know that this is only a temporary thing really, doubtful you'll get any abuse once you're past this hump, so don't let it make you overly paranoid and scared, which given your previous incidents can be understood. It's not you that's the problem, it's them.

If you get any such comment from an 'Irish mammy' type, challenge them on it and watch them freeze on the spot, it's a great laugh.

Feeling scared and need help

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