Need some advice for dealing with problems that have taken over my life

Hi,
This might be a bit of an essay I'm seeing if anybody offer me some resources/advice on my situation.

I've been severely depressed for at least 5 years at this stage. It's very much a self-esteem related issue. I'm 25 years old. It's very intimately related to a problems with social anxiety and general anxiety. I've had to drop out of college twice over these problems. I dropped out of an engineering degree in trinity and then went on to drop out of a degree in NUIM. I really tried hard with the degree in NUIM but I was too anxious to talk to anybody that I was in classes with and didn't make a single friend for 3 years. I was so anxious walking around and just kept to myself. I had huge trouble with assignments and just couldn't get them done despite spending dozens of hours on them. I went to see various counsellors and the different people there to support students having a hard time but I eventually just stopped going in and didn't even contact the college to tell them I had dropped out.

When I came started in college at age 18, I was very chatty and very friendly, despite being incredibly self-conscious. I got to know lots of people and people would have considered me as sociable but it got to the stage where I felt that people started getting a very different social vibe off me which made them uncomfortable. I became severely depressed and went to see various therapists and psychiatrists but honestly I have received no lasting help from any of it. I've tried CBT, an anxiety treatment programme, I was on a heavy dose of antidepressants for 3 years and I really feel that I have run out of options. All I do is think about suicide and I figure if I this same person in 4 years time then I will let my family and friends know in good time and tell them that I cannot bear to live a life so filled with sadness and so devoid of any meaning or satisfaction. I am not currently a danger to myself so please don't post any suicide resources. I've literally felt this way for 3 years.

The issues are very related to the way that I view myself and my mind berates me all day. I constantly tell myself that I'm a loser and compare myself to every single person that walks down the street. I feel like I have nothing going for me. All I think about is suicide and I really have no idea how to solve any of the problems in my life. I am really gut-wrenchingly sad nearly all day every day. I am incredibly lonely and have never had a girlfriend despite wanting one. Before all these problems started, I wasn't hugely successful with girls but it wasn't a major problem. I feel completely undesirable and complete piece of **** and I'm just unbearably lonely. Since I dropped out of college, I have begun working full time but I spend most of the time feeling miserable and unable to tell anyone about it. I have gotten fired from 3 jobs since last year. They are all waiting jobs and waiting jobs make me miserable and anxious but I have no skills to go and look for anything. I'm currently seeing a therapist but honestly, it's little to no ****ing help. I've been to see half a dozen therapists in the past 5 years and I always quit because I feel that it's not helping me at all. I'm only sticking with going to see this one because I heard that people like me tend to give up when they begin to address the fundamental underlying problems in their lives. My parents have been trying to help for years but they don't know what they can do anymore. Neither do I. There is no release for me at all from feeling really profoundly sad and lonely.

I have so many issues that I feel that I need to mention that I don't know how I'm going to explain them all here. I spend all my free time by myself apart from the odd night out with people that I know. I'm exercising, reading and working to pay my rent and trying to live a normal life but my mind just won't let me be OK.

The depression and the way that my mind berates me consistently doesn't let me achieve growth of any kind. I am literally the exact same person I was when I started experiencing these neuroses 5 years ago. I don't know how to move on. Nobody calls me anymore. I've stopped contacting people because I feel that I make people uncomfortable by contacting them (via facebook, text or whatever) and they're just happier without me.

All I want is some friends but I feel that I make people uncomfortable in my company. I think it's got to do with the fact that all that's on my mind when I'm with someone is how miserable I am and I obviously can't talk about it or people will want to hang out with me less. I go through periods of near complete social reclusion for months on end because when I stop contacting people to find out about social happenings (and I really have to force this), nobody contacts me at all (apart from maybe 4 friends) and my social life cease to exist. I seem to be able to get on with people in alot of social contexts but I feel it's not just my imagination that people don't want me around. A group of people that I had been spending alot of time with for the past year or so (despite the fact that I've known them for years) didn't seem at all bothered when I dropped off the social map completely- no contact whatsoever. I guess I slipped into social reclusion because I got depressed by how easy it was for me to do so and not be missed. I find it unbearably hard to form close relationships with people.

I feel that there is a different set of rules for me socially. I feel that it's not just in my head that people behave like they're really uncomfortable interacting with me. Conversation doesn't seem to flow and people just really don't seem to enjoy my company. I feel that I am an embarassment when I'm around some people and cringing at nearly everything I say. But in other situations I can be really socially charming. I know quite alot of people but I feel that I have hardly any friends. I feel like such a coward because I'm just living my entire life forced into this horrible place by my anxiety and fear of what people might think of me if I try to live my life any differently. I'm convinced that

I've posted posts like this all over mental health forums on the internet trying to get some advice but I feel that there's a very american mentality encased in each of the responses that doesn't seem to understand my issues from a perspective of irish social culture.

I'm well aware that nearly everybody experiences problems like this to some degree but I can't deal with the pain that mine are causing me any longer. I've been in the same boat for years and I need to start moving in a different direction.



It's a bit of laundry list of problems but does anybody have any advice that might help me to solve some of these problems?

I'm not looking to feel on top of the world but the depths of these moods and my sadness just won't let me accomplish anything in my life. I just want to feel some relief from this pain.