Maybe this will teach ye boys to stop experimenting!

***Actual article from the LA Times***

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of San Francisco Hospital.


Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had
been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon,"
my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't
come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the
light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital
spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of
intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and
severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers
which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree
burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


! TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY !


10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
9) "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
stare at the sun.)
That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem)
being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on
Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the
truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor
and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How
does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the
smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face
of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
“Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in San Francisco, (I guess no real surprise.)

It does give new meaning to the phrase "Blow it out your ass",
doesn't it?