School decision...different posts of the country

anmhi02 · 16-01-2014 08:14AM #1

Hi there,
I an a single mum of a 12 year old who is due to start secondary school in September. Now, I am recently engaged to a wonderful man who lives approx 40 miles away. We are due to get married in November. Now my son and OH get on fantastically but as it is not possible for my OH to relocate, we are going to have to move up to where he lives.

Here's where the problem is. My son has done all his pre and national schooling here and had a close group of friends who are all going to the local secondary school, as are his cousins..same secondary school that I did too. He obviously wants to go to this school but my OH wants him to go to the local school down where he lives. My son doesn't. My OH says it wouldn't work if he went to school down here. He could stay with my parents or my sister if he did go to school down here.

I can see where my son is coming from and I can also see where my OH is coming from, he just wants us to be a proper family, but my son is distraught at the thought of leaving his friends, aunts, cousins and grandparents. I am literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Anyone have any thoughts on this. I've been up must of the night with him crying about having to leave . Can I also just add that he had already been through the mill add I divorced his alcoholic father when he was younger...his father hasn't seen in been in touch with him since the divorce and he is fine with that.

Thanks again

thesimpsons · 16-01-2014 08:54AM

my very first thought was that 40 miles isn't a massive commute, can your partner not do that? I really feel for your son, having already been through the mill, it would be a fair wrench to now move him from everything he knows. If it was only the school friends I almost wouldn't mind cos very often when they move into secondary school, they find a whole new set of friends anyway but if his cousins and grandparents are regular fixtures in his life, it'll be extra hard moving him away.

anmhi02 · 16-01-2014 09:12AM

thesimpsons wrote: »

my very first thought was that 40 miles isn't a massive commute, can your partner not do that? I really feel for your son, having already been through the mill, it would be a fair wrench to now move him from everything he knows. If it was only the school friends I almost wouldn't mind cos very often when they move into secondary school, they find a whole new set of friends anyway but if his cousins and grandparents are regular fixtures in his life, it'll be extra hard moving him away.

That's my initial gut feeling too, unfortunately my OH lives on the home farm with his elderly dad so it isn't possible for him to move.

Thanks so much for your reply

Moonbeam · 16-01-2014 10:10AM

I think your son will settle in well to the new school and should give it a go.
I moved areas at 11 and then got sent to another school at 12 where none of my new or old friends were going and once you facilitate him visiting them and maybe let him stay with his relations there at weekends he will be fine.

pwurple · 16-01-2014 10:16AM

40 miles is a massive commute to me. Twice a day, for drop offs and pick ups? With possible extra currics like sports, or visiting friends.

..editing, just saw the guy is a farmer, no chance of relocation.

I think moving school now is the best option. Living one place and going to school someplace else is very disruptive, and as the child gets to teenage years can lead to all sorts of messing. My nephew managed to get into a situation like this, and from what I can tell, constantly lies to his mum telling her he is at school things in the other town, while he is basically in the pub or up to mischief with his buddies unknown to her.

angelfire9 · 16-01-2014 01:57PM

pwurple wrote: »

40 miles is a massive commute to me. Twice a day, for drop offs and pick ups? With possible extra currics like sports, or visiting friends.

..editing, just saw the guy is a farmer, no chance of relocation.

I think moving school now is the best option. Living one place and going to school someplace else is very disruptive, and as the child gets to teenage years can lead to all sorts of messing. My nephew managed to get into a situation like this, and from what I can tell, constantly lies to his mum telling her he is at school things in the other town, while he is basically in the pub or up to mischief with his buddies unknown to her.

We live in Ennis my OH has a 40 mile commute to work and he works shifts which means I do all the school runs etc
Considering your son is only going to have 5/6 years in secondary can ye not live where his friends and preferred school is until he does the leaving?

AidanadiA · 16-01-2014 02:08PM

My daughter changed schools a while back and it was the best thing that could have happened, it was scary and she thought she'd have no friends but low and behold she made many friends, come secondary school last september and all her pals are in different base classes and she doesn't see them but has made yet again a bunch of new pals.

I made sure she had the chance to have her old school pals over as often as possible and to have weekend meet ups and hang outs. Its easy to stay in touch with the internet. It might be the change he needs.

anmhi02 · 16-01-2014 02:16PM

Thanks everyone for you're input. Just to clarify in relation to commuting everyday to school, he would be staying with my parents on school days and down with us at weekend, holidays etc. He stays with them anyway on nights or days that I'm working.

Sleepy · 16-01-2014 05:40PM

Sounds like a lot to land on the grandparents tbh.

I moved across the country (Bray to Galway) at roughly the same age and while the transition was tough, the move worked out for the best in the end.

inocybe · 16-01-2014 06:46PM

anmhi02 wrote: »

Hi there,

I can see where my son is coming from and I can also see where my OH is coming from, he just wants us to be a proper family, but my son is distraught at the thought of leaving his friends, aunts, cousins and grandparents. I am literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Anyone have any thoughts on this. I've been up must of the night with him crying about having to leave . Can I also just add that he had already been through the mill add I divorced his alcoholic father when he was younger...his father hasn't seen in been in touch with him since the divorce and he is fine with that.

Thanks again

Hi OP, I'm a single mum of a boy the same age. If it was me I wouldn't move him, extended family is so much more important when a parent is missing. He could end up feeling very isolated in a new place and with you in a new marriage.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-01-2014 06:53PM

Sometimes we have to make decisions that our kids don't like. I think this is one of them.

It would be incredibly unfair to ask your family to take your son on, for the next 5 years. He might be 13 starting first year, but he will eventually be 16, and 17.. and might not be the innocent child that he is now.

I think you either move and he starts school in the new area, or you stay. You can't move, and leave him behind... Too much potential for trouble and fall outs amongst family.

Sligo1 · 16-01-2014 07:12PM

I have no experience with single parenting and the implications for kids involved so pardon me if I'm speaking crap here...

But I would've thought leaving his mum for those few days would be a lot worse than leaving his friends and extended family for a few days?? I would've thought having neither parent around during the week would have many more implications for his future than having a caring mum and stepdad to watch over him?

I moved country at 12 years old and obviously went to an entirely different school than any of my old friends etc. made friends so quickly an you know what?... It was awesome!

moochers · 16-01-2014 07:16PM

Hi OP,
I think the best option is to move him to new school. I know it will be a difficult transition for him but he will make new friends and it is less disruptive than moving him in the future when he has settled.

I think it's great that you fiance and your son have a good relationship and your fiance can be a very good role model to your son particularly during his teenage years.

I would suggest looking into sports/hobbies etc that your son plays or is interested in, in the new area. If you spoke to a club/coach, I'm sure they would accommodate your son, even if once or twice a month was feasible for the time being. That way your son would make friends and the transition to school would be easier on him.
Best of luck!

hoodwinked · 17-01-2014 06:02PM

Personally i feel you need to ask who is the adult in this situation?

your son or your fiance?

surely you staying where you are until your son finishes school shouldn't be too much for your partner to put up with? he obviously was somewhat ok with the distance when it came to dating you, he should understand he needs to wait just a little bit more as your son needs to come first.

if he genuinely cared for your son he wouldn't expect you to uproute him from his family and friends and essentially his whole life, for essentially a 40 mile commute for him to see the woman he loves?

also how would you feel if you and your son made the move, and he felt isolated and miserable, what if he resented your partner because of it? or was bullied in school? would you move back? tell your son put up with it?

sorry if it sounds harsh op but it is a pet peeve of mine when parents suddenly think its ok to change their child's whole life and routine because they have fallen in love with someone new, and the child is causing an inconvenience to the new relationship,

when you choose to become a parent you choose to put that small person ahead of yourself until they are an adult, to look out for them, and protect them. there is a huge difference between moving because you have to (work, health...etc) and moving because you fell in love with someone too far away.

your son is only a teenager not yet an adult he already has been abandoned by his father and he needs his mother to consider him, not throw him to his grandparents/aunts while you run off with your partner abandoning him (and your responsibilities as a parent) 5 days a week. you say you are between a rock and a hard place, and i know its tough being a single parent and more so tough on you op, i see my friends suffering with similar dilemma's but you need to put your child first, at least until he is 18.

pwurple · 17-01-2014 08:37PM

Hoodwinked, I think you are off the mark there. The mum here is thinking of what is best for the boy. A consistant family life, where he is living in the same hiuse all the time with two parents who care for eachother and him is surely better than the current situation. Currently the boy spends his time moving from pillar to post staying over in various places because the OP needs to work unsociable hours to support the two of them. Life with a partner would be much more stable. They would have more time together as a family. I don't know why encouraging her to continue down a path where she remains single for another 6 years is in the childs interest at all.

Also, Everyone changes school at 12. Everyone. This is the ideal time to move area if there ever was one. Plenty of people who go to secondary schools even in the same area hardly know anyone in their class. That is perfectly normal, they make new friends easily at that age.

anmhi02 · 18-01-2014 05:29AM

Thank you all for you're replies, fantastic advice which I am still muddling through. Just to say @ hoodwinkeed...my son, his well being and happiness has, will and shall always be, my number one priority. No man, no matter how good he is will every change that. I am blessed on saying that, to have found a man who has taken my son on as his own and loves and cares for him as such. He too wants what's best for him and has a said that if my son was adamant not to move, he would support and accept it as it will make him happy. He had never been seen on either part as an "inconvenience". Quite the opposite actually, he is seen as a blessing.

I or should I say we, just want him to prosper and be happy in this difficult transaction of his young life. I am lucky enough to have my own house and should we decide to let him join his friends down here, I will try and keep him in our own home as long as possible but there will be times when he will have to stay with his grand parents should I be working or down with my fiancé/husband.

Nothing as yet had been decided but I am so grateful for everyones advice.

whiteandlight · 18-01-2014 06:10AM

anmhi02 wrote: »

Thank you all for you're replies, fantastic advice which I am still muddling through. Just to say @ hoodwinkeed...my son, his well being and happiness has, will and shall always be, my number one priority. No man, no matter how good he is will every change that. I am blessed on saying that, to have found a man who has taken my son on as his own and loves and cares for him as such. He too wants what's best for him and has a said that if my son was adamant not to move, he would support and accept it as it will make him happy. He had never been seen on either part as an "inconvenience". Quite the opposite actually, he is seen as a blessing.

I or should I say we, just want him to prosper and be happy in this difficult transaction of his young life. I am lucky enough to have my own house and should we decide to let him join his friends down here, I will try and keep him in our own home as long as possible but there will be times when he will have to stay with his grand parents should I be working or down with my fiancé/husband.

Nothing as yet had been decided but I am so grateful for everyones advice.

I'm not a parent but I'm a secondary school teacher. We have students come in every year in similar situations to your son, all their friends went somewhere else or more recently they couldn't get a place with them because the schools are so oversubscribed up here. It is a difficult time for them but friendships change a lot for all incoming first years, even those with friends so it isn't as bad as your son may be imagining.

Have you been to the proposed school? Ask to speak to the first year year head or link person for incoming first years and susss out the situation. They may even allows you to bring your son over for a 'tour' after school some evening to see the place or they may have an open night? We are always given specific first year names to keep an eye on for a variety of reasons

Check out the extracurricular available. Is your son sporty or musical? For quieter/unsettled first years I always find the clubs like music and debating are much easier to make friends in because the numbers are low

hoodwinked · 18-01-2014 07:01PM

anmhi02 wrote: »

Thank you all for you're replies, fantastic advice which I am still muddling through. Just to say @ hoodwinkeed...my son, his well being and happiness has, will and shall always be, my number one priority. No man, no matter how good he is will every change that. I am blessed on saying that, to have found a man who has taken my son on as his own and loves and cares for him as such. He too wants what's best for him and has a said that if my son was adamant not to move, he would support and accept it as it will make him happy. He had never been seen on either part as an "inconvenience". Quite the opposite actually, he is seen as a blessing.

and thats great, seriously!

but if you take the part i bolded above, and in the first post you say:

He obviously wants to go to this school but my OH wants him to go to the local school down where he lives. My son doesn't.

but my son is distraught at the thought of leaving his friends, aunts, cousins and grandparents

I've been up must of the night with him crying about having to leave .

then surely the descion is an easy one, don't move? if your partner will support and accept you staying put for a short few years and your son is distressed at the thought of moving away, to the point he has said no, and is up all night crying, surely it is in your sons best interest to stop stressing him out and stay put?

Sligo1 · 18-01-2014 07:28PM

I think any kid age 12 would be distraught at moving and leaving their friends. I know I was! I cried for ages. But that didnt mean my parent were wrong for moving me to a different country. I think it actually turned out for the best in my case.

Who knows, perhaps the school near OPs partner is a better school than the one in the current town? I just don't think kids should be dictating to their parents what's best for them. I mean... Who is the parent in this situation. I would never let my kids dictate to me where they went to school or anything similar which should be the parents decision. Yes I can be discussed with the child... But ye final decision should lie with the parent/parents, whether they be married, single, divorced or whatever.

freshpopcorn · 18-01-2014 09:52PM

It's hard to know to be honest and it's sort of your decession.
You can have him commute every day.
You can move in with your future husband and send him to school there.
You can Drive your son to school on Monday mornings and collect him on Friday afternoon. So he would only be with you parents for 4 nights a week. Take away the holidays and he won't be spending to much time with them.

LegacyUser · 18-01-2014 11:46PM

You have to remember that you are the adult here.

I know your 12 year old son has told you he does not want to move away from his friends
but the reality is that your life has changed. Your about to get married. Perhaps your son thinks he can stop this by kicking up re moving away.
I know that some single parents put what there child wants above everything else but long term your child need to know that the world does not revolve around what they want.

At this stage I would contact the secondary schools near your partner. Go with your son and partner to have look at the school and attend any open days/evening they may have.
Show your son what the school offers in regards to his interest ie sports ect.
I would be prepared for your son to be unhappy over this but I would tell him that this is the best time for you all to move. Tell him he will meet and make new friends in secondary school. Let him know that you will still visit your parents ect.

I know a lad who was in a similar position to your son a year ago. He decided to go to a secondary school that none of the other people in his class were going to.
He has made new friends and loves his new school.

21-01-2014 11:33PM

Maybe I'm just a bit mean but he's a kid. Kids don't dictate to their family where they'll go to school. I moved from England to N Ireland when I was 12. I didn't want to go, I was really happy where I was, I was leaving all my friends and my cousins who I was close to. But it was happening and that was that. And I had many additional difficulties like having to go to a Protestant school (I have a Catholic last name), having a completely different accent and different skin colour. Your son is moving 40 minutes up the road.

I think it would be a huge burden on his grandparents to have him all week, plus it's not nice living miles away from where you go to school. I had a 45-minute commute each way when I first moved to NI (we were staying in temp accommodation in one county and my school was in another) and I missed out on lots of after-school stuff, going into town with my mates, etc. I felt really out of the loop.

hoodwinked · 22-01-2014 09:00AM

Thatcher Sparse Magenta wrote: »

Maybe I'm just a bit mean but he's a kid. Kids don't dictate to their family where they'll go to school.

No they don't but that doesn't mean their input should be just ignored, especially when it comes to secondary school, many children get a say on where they'll go, i know i pretty much had my pick of schools, both my mom and i made the descion together and i felt my views were respected and respected her for that.

if he was younger by all means i would say yes, move, but the fact is teenage years are tough on children as they negotiate their way into adulthood and just dismissing what they say and telling them "they will be alright" will only infuriate them.

especially because this son may only see the move as "the new partners fault" and blame him for not being around family and friends and blame him for everything he hates in his new school..

the op has said, this kid is up all night in tears at leaving the support system he has used to get through some tough times, (that is not just a temper tantrum it sounds like he is genuinely distressed) you all keep mentioning that you moved at that age and were fine, but i ask? did your whole family unit move? or did some of it get left behind? aka a sibling or a parent?

in this case the boys initial family unit includes grandparents aunts and cousins, the op is in his eyes splitting that, and worse, making sure that other than her he is the only family member moving leaving his entire unit behind.

of course thats distressing, imagine if you had two parents and 3 siblings, and your dad decided just you and him were moving away? would you not be upset at leaving your mother and siblings behind?

Sligo1 · 22-01-2014 09:13AM

When we moved country my brother was in university so so he had to stay behind. And my other brother started into uni in the new country 3 hours away so yea we were split up.... But that happens when people grow up go to school, college, uni etc.

Either way this 12 year old is only going to be 30 min from his extended family so if he really misses them there's nothing stopping him taking a bus trip to see them a couple times a week after school or at weekends....

Yes schools can be discussed and children's comments and wishes discussed... But if its coming to a point where things can't be compromised in relation to a choice of school... Parents SHOULD have the decision in the end. As most loving, caring parents will have the best interests of their children at heart.

hoodwinked · 22-01-2014 09:25AM

Sligo1 wrote: »

When we moved country my brother was in university so so he had to stay behind. And my other brother started unto veracity in the new country 3 hours away so yea we were split up.... But that happens when people grow up go to school, college, uni etc.

that is completely different to what i meant, i meant being the only one pulled away from your family unit, not older siblings progressing on, his family aren't going to uni, they aren't moving on with their lives, the op's son is being taken away from them,away from his family unit,

Sligo1 wrote: »

Yes schools can be discussed and children's comments and wishes discussed... But if its coming to a point where things can't be compromised in relation to a choice of school... Parents SHOULD have the decision in the end. As most loving, caring parents will have the best interests of their children at heart.

yes parents have the best interest at heart, but is it really in this childs best interest to tear him away unwillingly from his family unit? pull him away unwillingly from the school he wants? there is no compromise here,

a compromise would be something like moving house and commuting to the school, or moving school and staying at home (yes its a long journey everyday but that would be a compromise, and to be fair i know of college students who drive longer distances daily to get here and back home)

make the big changes one at a time, give him time to adjust rather than all or nothing.

pwurple · 22-01-2014 09:29AM

hoodwinked wrote: »

the op's son is being taken away from them,away from his family unit.

His family unit is his mother and her husband. Not his cousins and schoolmates. He should live with them.

Sligo1 · 22-01-2014 09:31AM

I would think it was in the child's best interests to have a close family unit! A mother and step father who love him and care for him and who have his bet interests at heart. And who knows, possibly other siblings to come. That is as close a family unit as you can get.

The rest, extended family and friends in my eyes comes second (close second) to a caring mother and father. The family and friends can be seen many times during the week if he wants.

Edit: I see you got there first pwurple while I was typing.

hoodwinked · 22-01-2014 10:06AM

pwurple wrote: »

His family unit is his mother and her husband. Not his cousins and schoolmates. He should live with them.

if the son saw himself and the mother and step-father as a family unit he wouldn't be so distraught,

this exact scenario happened to my cousin, and he hated his step-father (not that his mother noticed) when he moved them to the middle of nowhere after always having us around, as soon as he hit 18 he left them and never looked back.

he had a settled life and this man came in and shook it all up, moving his home moving his school, he kept telling us how unhappy he was but there was nothing we could do as his mother "knew what was best" for him. we tried as many 'sleepovers' as we could but his step-father soon put a stop to that.

we have no idea where this is going to go, which is why i am advocating if it isn't broke why fix it? he is clearly happy settled and thriving where he is!

Sligo1 · 22-01-2014 10:18AM

I was distraught moving away from my friends, school etc... But I never thought of my family as not being my family unit!

OP has already said her son and partner get on great and he treats him like a son and wants them all to be together. So u dont think her son "hates" her partner. From OPs post.... It sounds like she would've picked up on this If it were the case.

No one can predict what will happen in the future or how future feelings will progress. They can only do wht they think is best now and what they "think" will b best for the future.

CrazyRabbit · 22-01-2014 10:45AM

Try to help him make some new friends in the new area before you move. That way he doesn't lose all friends after the move.

Check for clubs/activities in your partners area and make the effort to get your son involved before the new school year. It'll be a lot easier on him that way.

At age 12, he will soon be starting socialising at a new level. Friends become far more important and relationships become more complex. Try not to make it any harder for him by leaving him feeling isolated. That can cause a great deal of harm in the long run.

ash23 · 22-01-2014 12:26PM

I think if I were in the same position OP I would just go ahead with the move and promise my son that at weekends and holidays I would do everything I could to ensure he still sees his friends back home.
It might go some ways towards alleviating the upset he feels if he knows he'll still see them and odds are he'll make new friends in the new town and you bringing him back and forth to his old friends will fizzle out.

School decision...different posts of the country

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