Would you date your best friend's sibling??

LegacyUser · 24-04-2003 02:13AM #1

I have a bit of a dilemma.

I'm male (20), and have had a really close friend since I was only a wee nipper. My friendship with this guy is very important to me and I would be in an auful state if I compromised that. Throughout the years I've gotten to know his sister quite well, and sometimes she even comes out with us on nights out. I have always been physically attracted to her, but in the last few months have really taken a fancy to her. About two months ago we all went out and let's just say on the night myself and herself raised the flirting level just below the "making a move" bar. She made it very clear to me that night that she was interested in me too. Every time I've seen her since then she's flirted with me. We were out again about 2 weeks ago and she put both her arms around me. Here is the problem: I had to back away!!. My exact words at the time were "I shouldn't", and I left it at that. I honestly don't think she why I did that.

My mate is very protective of her (she's going on 19). Myself and herself have always been good friends too. We share the very same sense of humour, amongst other things. On many occasions in the past I and other friends would have joked about "How fine his sister has turned out to be", etc. He made it very clear that she was out of bounds.

Right now I don't know what to do. I really believe if we got together something good could come out of it. Like we know eachother so well, it would be just like the next phase. At the same time, I would rather do nothing if it meant loosing a really good friend.

Please help

J.

smiles · 24-04-2003 02:19AM

Talk to him and see what he says.

/me remembers the days when her brother threathened to beat up any of his mates who so much as looked at me the wrong (right) way!

<< Fio >>

LegacyUser · 24-04-2003 02:41AM

Though I've known him for a long time, I still couldn't just tell him straight out I have feelings for his beloved sister. He would go mad. He's also not the most open of people when it comes to things like this. Honestly I would have a better chance talking it out with her before him. I'm quite possitive she would tell me to ignore him, but I can only see the relationship working if everyone is OK with it.

Thank you for your reply it is appreciated

J.

Cake Fiend · 24-04-2003 03:35AM

Potentially a very tricky situation. On the one hand he could be so protective of her that he wouldn't want anyone going near her, least of all one of 'de lads'. On the other, if you go back that far and are that close, he may trust you enough not to screw his sister over. You have to find out what his position is on you and his sister getting it together. You also need to weigh up how much a possible relationship with her is worth to you. You should then talk to her about it to see if it is worth as much to her and maybe get her to talk to her brother about it (he needs to know that she is her own person with her own feelings and he can't control her for her whole life).

Whatever way it goes, by the sounds of it if you mess things up with his sister you could lose your best friend as well so be careful.

Samara · 24-04-2003 09:25AM

Ooh, brothers do not like their mates going out with their sisters!!! Mainly because they know their friends pretty well and know how they have treated women in the past. Basically your problem is this, if you have treated women somewhat shamefully and have been after only one thing on a number of occasions, her brother will know this and will think that you will treat his sister the same way.

Your best bet is to broach the subject with the sister, confirm how you both feel and when you are clear on this approach him. Just be sure that you don't want her simply because she is forbidden fruit, 'cos if he agrees that he will not make an issue of it and you do end up hurting her, then you have lost them both and probably gained a couple of black eyes into the bargain!!

the Guru · 24-04-2003 10:37AM

This is a tricky one we have an ongoing joke with my best mate his sister is very attractive and we joke around saying that we would like to shág and other things and he goes mental and i feel the same I wouldnt want one of my mates seeing my sister I know what they are like and blood is thicker than water.

what happens if they mess your sister around ?????????

commuterised · 24-04-2003 10:41AM

this might be a bit different as I know brothers are more protective of their mates dating their sisters than sisters are of their mates dating their brothers.. but here goes..

My bro is 3 yrs younger than me and recently him and my bessie mate have been making eyes at each other, I think it would be pretty cool , provided she didn't just shag him and ditch him and leave him broken hearted and crying in his pillow grrr, but other than that I'd be fine with it. seriously I would. But when they broke up I'd have to ditch her. hmm maybe I think differently about this than I thought....

patch · 24-04-2003 10:48AM

I tried that too......only I waited for my mate to go to america first:D :ninja: He was well pissed off when he found out though!!
You should bear in mind though that your relationship with your mate might disappear due to the fact that you won't want to be reminded how you screwed him over. For his sister.
I don't see HER anymore, I'm still mates with HIM, but still, years later, we don't speak of the deed for fear of a punch-up!!

Chaos-Engine · 24-04-2003 10:58AM

"All is fair in love and war"

Go for it
If you guys are as good friends you will work through it and be closer than ever

Kali · 24-04-2003 11:07AM

hmm im good friends with my best friends sister (they dont live together anymore) and regularly see her down the local and spend the night talking to her and occasionaly end up in a club pissed & dancing and flirting with her, completly harmless though and we both know it aint ever going anywhere... I mean I've known her for the past twelve years, would be very very strange and awkard if things didnt work out, plus I value my friends over a fling... so yeah anyway play it safe and avoid going further or talk it over with your mate first.. best bet is to just go for her friends.. then everyones happy

Kell · 24-04-2003 11:19AM

I was in the same situation about the same age. Spoke to my mate and he said "fine, go ahead. But please dont fúck her over or you'll have me to answer to". So I did, then I fúcked her over, he asked me why so I told him and my reasoning checked out so the friendship lasted.

It all depends on how grown up you all are at the end of the day. I personally hate the protectiveness ****e that goes on between older brothers and younger sisters. I couldn't give a flying fúck who beds my siblings because it's none of my business.

The one thing that you cant do if you decide to ask her out or whatever is bitch about her to your best mate if things go stale. If there is one thing that best mates are supremely useful for is bitching to about your GF.

If he is grown up about it then yeh go for it. Even if he isnt, go for it anyway, after all it is none of his business and she must also respect that if things turn sour that you were his mate first at that she cant go bitchin about you to him.

K-

Clintons Cat · 24-04-2003 11:26AM

Go for it

The Sister is not the property of your friend.

Its none of his god damn buisness who she goes out with.

Shes 19 ffs,i think she can make her own descisons on who or who not to see,and she knows you a hell of a lot better than the average joe she'd meet in a bar.

Go for it,if you mates so insecure that he doesnt trust you with her,he must have a pretty low opinion of you anyway
Give him some time to adjust to the new situation,but if he cant readjust to the idea of you two being together then maybe he should go off and do some serious thinking.

Wolf · 24-04-2003 11:36AM

If I were you id go for it. Then again I tend to get myself in all kinds of bother with girls

However, I am also a rediculously over protective brother as well. This is the way this works. If the guys was one of my mates that got pissed all the time smoked gear and was a general waster (probably one of my better friends). Then I would probably say no. But if he was a friend that I thought would be good to my sister and make her happy I would say ok yes.

You see as a brother that would castrate any of his mates for looking at his sister I realise that this is because often because they are like you you also know what they are like and as such will say yay or nay it just varies.

The best thing you can do is either

1/ Go for it and hope for the best

2/ Go to your friend suggest the idea tell him you really like her and that you will treat her well. Also add that if he says no then you wont but that it would mean alot to you if you got his blessing.

Often the latter approach can give him a bit of a power trp and he will say yes.

Also remember that she is her own person and if she wants to see someone it really isnt any of her brothers bussiness, but let hope it doesnt go the far.

Good Luck.

:ninja:

Typedef · 24-04-2003 11:44AM

Would you date your best friend's sibling??

Not if you intend on staying friends with your friend.

Seriously, if you end up marrying/living with the sibling then good else, you will invariably loose a friend.

That said, I wouldn't and (haven't) let details like that stop me, in fact if you were to take example from me... you wouldn't even bother asking.....

Cuidado con el gato baby.

mooman_00 · 24-04-2003 12:05PM

Originally posted by Samara
Ooh, brothers do not like their mates going out with their sisters!!! Mainly because they know their friends pretty well and know how they have treated women in the past. Basically your problem is this, if you have treated women somewhat shamefully and have been after only one thing on a number of occasions, her brother will know this and will think that you will treat his sister the same way.

i have to agree with this there are at least three mates who i wouldnt let near my sister...otherwise its not my business although i would still keep an eye on things just to make sure she is not fukked over by anyone.....

Victor · 24-04-2003 01:32PM

I was fascinated with a friend's sister and I asked her out once (New Year's Eve and the lads weren't around - neither was her brother

). I released she was a complete cow when she had drunk about 6 pints.

imp · 24-04-2003 03:56PM

I've been attracted to relatives of a couple of mates in the past... neither of the two friends in question like(d) that one bit

However I'd not have a problem with a friend going out with my own sister. But I wouldn't want either one of them treating the other like sh|t.

And wouldn't it be weird to someday become your best friend's brother-in-law?

}:>

John2002 · 24-04-2003 04:01PM

Originally posted by imp

And wouldn't it be weird to someday become your best friend's brother-in-law?

}:>

My dad's best friend married my dad's sister. I don't know what it was like when they were "courting" 30 odd years ago but they all get on fine now anyway, afaik!

Saruman · 24-04-2003 04:32PM

Do you watch friends J? Same thing happened there.. forget that its TV.

I say go for it.. especially if you feel its going to go somewhere.. your friend might not like it at first but i dont think he will tell you to break it off (break his sisters heart maybe) or loose him as a friend (break his heart!)

If he does then he might not be worth having as a friend maybe. You can always make it up with him at a later date if h sees you both get on well.

So go for it. Hell you could let his sister bully him into it.. if his sister is the one who tells him it might go over smoother.. Especially if she mentions she likes you and asks him what he would think if she made a move because she "thinks" you like her too..

seamus · 24-04-2003 04:35PM

Heh, I think we've all been in the situation. It's probably because your best mate's sister is like a little sexy female version of your best mate, which makes her doubly attractive, cos you already know her well, and what she's like at various stages of the day/various stages of drunkenness.

My best mate is a year older than me, and his sister is a year younger than me. I've known them both for 13 years. So, around the 16 mark it became all a little weird. I could have hung around with either of them, and was good friends with both of them, but hung around with the brother. Me and the sister just did a *lot* of flirting, but never got together. It was always assumed (and even hinted at by her family) that we would eventually get together. :rolleyes:

Obviously we didn't, and now we're just good mates. There's another good friend who's quite in love with her, and she knows it, so now it's actually myself and this other mate who are more 'protective' of her than her brother, although he tends to get a bit jealous of our friendship with her (oh, what a tangled web we weave!). Anyway, a couple of our friends have gone out with her, and all but one have messed her around, and all of them, except the good one

have gradually been 'excluded' from the group, though not actively, they just tended to fade out.

So, after all that, my advice is to be careful. There's no reason why your mate should decide whether or not you go out with his sister, but if you value your friendship with this guy, you'll play it carefully. Give him time to get used to the idea (although he should come round pretty quickly), and be wary of ignoring him when you call over (while not ignoring her either

). Once you're properly going out with his sister then everything will settle down again, but don't fsck her over. If you must break up with her eventually, try to make it amicable as possible, blah blah.

Basically, if you don't see her as possibly the last girl you'll ever go out with, rather you're just 'giving her a go', I wouldn't do it.

Wolf · 24-04-2003 04:39PM

Iv seen a few relatives of people I know. Tho only once did it get me in trouble.......it was her sister

Typedef · 24-04-2003 04:42PM

Originally posted by [-UK-]Wolf
Iv seen a few relatives of people I know. Tho only once did it get me in trouble.......it was her sister

And Moses commeth back from the tent and saidth.

"The 11th commandment I forgot to mention lads.
Don't get caught".

Wolf · 24-04-2003 04:44PM

I didnt get caught..........

I came clean

It seemed funny at the time

Tusky · 24-04-2003 05:33PM

i dont think he "should" have a problem with it if he knows how you both feel ! GL !

LegacyUser · 24-04-2003 06:55PM

I've been in this situ.

I warned both upfront of consequences of bad breakup etc, of course they didn't listen.

Now I don't see my mate v often, and can't mention to sis the fact that I did meet him (cos he messed up badly there).

Your call. It may not be worth it.

smiles · 24-04-2003 07:43PM

http://www.yorema.com/images/sisters.jpg

check that Forum....

<< Fio >>

thedrowner · 24-04-2003 08:40PM

yeah there's lots of things to considere here, been in that situation too, and thing didnt work out, but i have 2 close friends and one is going out with the other's brother and it's been going on for 1 & 1/2 years and all is well.

if you think she could make you happy and you are willing to treat her well and make a go of things then go for it, and try and make your best mate know you'll treat her well. if you've a bad track record this'll go against you but if you both like each other then he's probably being a jerk for standing in the way.

but be warned...things's will get weird, and you can't help it, if things do get serious, it'll be weird for him , give him space, but don't let him treat you badly if there's no reason. also you may not be able to talk about your sex life anymore...who wants to hear what there siblings get up to!!! and be careful he doesnt put pressure on you for certain things.

also is this worth losing your best mate over? you could screw up...and how would you feel ending things with her. because unfortunately, you may be breaking up with her, but to him (and probably their family... who will know you so well at this stage) you'll be breaking up with them in a way (only they probably wont feel the sadness of a breakup, just the anger

)

LegacyUser · 24-04-2003 08:42PM

Wow I didn't think their would be so many replies so soon. Thank you

Also I would like to thank all of you for the good advice. At this point I've decided to take it very slow. I hinted in my last post that my frienship with my mate is more important than I moving on to the next level with his sister. I've known him too long, and my (our) lives would surely change dramatically if something tore us apart. He is like a brother to me and it has been that way for a long time. He isn't very good at discussing problems (his own that is) with friends like me, though we've known him for ages. His parents are very strict, and it would be frowned upon if family problems were discussed outside of the family. My prediction if I did approach him and told him how I felt would be nearly like him "catching" us together. He would probably tell me to feck off, and I'm quite possitive we would drift apart shortly after.

The only way I could see this working is if his sister said it to him. I'm quite possitive he would advise her against, not because he thinks I'm a bad person, but because I know he would find it too weird that one of his best mates is dating his little sis. He knows me very well, and he knows I'm not the type of person that has one night stands or generally treats women bad. Anyway I'm not looking for an immediate sexual relationship. Also if we did get together I would definately not be all over her, really rubbing it in his face. I do respect his wishes, and understand the sensitivity of the matter.

What I've decided to do is keep things the way they are for at least another while. If I'm out again and find myself in a position that I have to pull myself away from then I will explain to her why I'm doing it. Then perhaps she will have a word or two with him. Actually if I better recall the last night out, she gave me the impression that she thinks, I'm no longer interested with her. So you can see I'm afraid of giving her the wrong impression while at the same time I don't want to take things too fast (ie. just snog her the next time the chance presents itself).

This is really is a difficult one

J.

thedrowner · 24-04-2003 08:59PM

sounds like a good idea

i was gonna suggest getting her sister to talk to him but i thought if you and he had an open relationship it'd be a abit weird coming from her and not you (coz i know i tell my best friend most stuff i dont tell my brothers) but it sounds like its the best thing, given the cicumstances

Zukustious · 24-04-2003 11:47PM

One word that will solve all your problems:

Threesome

Lex_Diamonds · 25-04-2003 12:27AM

Yeah I hope this guy isnt like Tony Montana and the sister is like Gina, and you are like the other guy. We all saw what happened there...:eek:

Would you date your best friend's sibling??

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