Non-Alcoholic Wedding?

baby and crumble · 26-08-2013 08:57PM

Dolbert wrote: »

That sounds fantastic, babyandcrumble

Was it difficult to find such a venue?

Luckily my partners best friends family have offered the use of their house and grounds for the occasion. So we realise that not everyone could do that. We are also looking at a few campsites, to see what we can get (it's still fairly early days in our actual planning).

clint_silver · 26-08-2013 09:00PM

aiseiri47 wrote: »

Thanks for the additional responses.

I really don't want to control what people are drinking. The wine thing is really because I feel it's polite to offer wine with dinner, but I don't want to be spending a pile of money on wine because people have a few extra glasses, and because I have literally never paid any attention to the wine at weddings other than the polite no thanks when it's offered, I wasn't sure how it worked and if it was normal to offer one glass or if that would seem stingy.

baby and crumble, that sounds lovely. I'm extremely partial to BBQs myself, having spent half my life in Texas. I think a lot of outdoor ideas sound nice but... well, Ireland.

(Oh, and the Good Friday thing won't work I'm afraid. I'm in no way religious and it would be a civil ceremony. I think people would be suspicious if it was a civil ceremony and then no alcohol because it's Good Friday -- Though, I do wonder if it's even legal to sell alcohol at a wedding on GF anyway.)

I don't know, I'm off to have a think about whether this can be done and what I feel comfortable with. I don't want people to feel they're at a school disco, I want people to have a reasonably good time. I just can't deal with people who are drinking (and, for the record, it's not about the "few eejits" who ruin it for everyone. I'm genuinely made extremely uncomfortable by anyone who's had enough for me to see a slight difference in their behavior. I know some may not understand that, but my purpose in this thread wasn't to discuss my personal views.) Just would like to try for an alcohol-free wedding and trying to gauge if it can be done. Cheers.

It most certainly can be done, and go for it. Id just repeat as earlier, whatever venue, food or entertainment you're having, let people know beforehand its alcohol free so they can get their heads round it.

If anyone sneaks a drink into it or sneaks into the bar in the venue itself, shame on them.

clint_silver · 26-08-2013 09:15PM

April O Neill wrote: »

You seem very resistant to anything that strays from the bog standard Irish wedding.

Absolutely not, my work sees me at 70-80 weddings a year for the last 15 years, the full gambit of ideas, venues, restaraunts, marquees, magicians, sweet carts, fireworks, BBQs, sky lanterns, dance troupes, DJs, bands, hotels, dresses, comedians, chocolate fountains, movies, clowns, empty afters busses, cars, fights, priests, pagans, lesbian, gay, humanists, big hats, manky shoes, good . bad and cringey speeches has been seen and Id like to think Ive guaged what works and what doesn't.

The one combination that always works is good food, good company and good entertainment in any combination you want. A movie in the middle of that doesn't fit and the times Ive seen it tried, did not elicit a good response.

April O Neill · 26-08-2013 09:33PM

clint_silver wrote: »

Absolutely not, my work sees me at 70-80 weddings a year for the last 15 years, the full gambit of ideas, venues, restaraunts, marquees, magicians, sweet carts, fireworks, BBQs, sky lanterns, dance troupes, DJs, bands, hotels, dresses, comedians, chocolate fountains, movies, clowns, empty afters busses, cars, fights, priests, pagans, lesbian, gay, humanists, big hats, manky shoes, good . bad and cringey speeches has been seen and Id like to think Ive guaged what works and what doesn't.

The one combination that always works is good food, good company and good entertainment in any combination you want. A movie in the middle of that doesn't fit and the times Ive seen it tried, did not elicit a good response.

Good food, good company, good entertainment - these can be done without booze.

tatli_lokma · 26-08-2013 09:48PM

OP if it's more about excesses of alcohol rather than those who will drink responsibly, what about (as others have suggested) a private venue, not one that serves alcohol for profit. Early in the day and evening, offer tea/coffee (maybe the afternoon tea idea would be good at that point) and non-alcoholic cocktails. Have the dinner a bit later, say around 8. After dinner open the 'bar'. Then you provide the alcohol, giving each guest x many vouchers for drinks. Calculate consumption based on this and don't have any more alcohol than you will need to meet that figure. Some guests might use their partners vouchers if only one is drinking, but if you only offer beer or wine (and who's to say you can't chose low alcohol versions??) Then even allowing 3/4 vouchers per person it is unlikely that even with using someone else's vouchers any guests would be locked. To add to the choices, have loads of mocktails, interesting fruit juices, non-alcoholic spritzers. This way it's not that you are banning alcohol but by the choices of the alcohol content in your offerings and the quantity you are reducing the chance of people getting totally pissed.

Don't let on that the wine is low alcohol. Truth be known most people won't notice if you pick a decent variety. For many people the need they feel to have a drink in order to loosen up is just a psychological crutch. Once they think they've had a few, they are ready to party away!

drunkmonkey · 26-08-2013 10:01PM

How about spreading it over 2 nights, one for close family only and then a get together the following night where people can have a few drinks and a boogie.

lazygal · 27-08-2013 09:47AM

aiseiri47 wrote: »

I just can't deal with people who are drinking (and, for the record, it's not about the "few eejits" who ruin it for everyone. I'm genuinely made extremely uncomfortable by anyone who's had enough for me to see a slight difference in their behavior. I know some may not understand that, but my purpose in this thread wasn't to discuss my personal views.)

What have you done when hosting other social occasions where people might reasonably expect to have a drink or two? What do you mean by 'slight difference in their behaviour'? In fairness, your personal views are influencing what type of wedding you want to have - you want an alcohol free wedding because of these views.

I really think this sounds like you're trying to control what happens at your wedding at a very micro level, and that could come across on the day. Are you going to spend the day worrying about how much people drink and how it affects them or just enjoying your own wedding?

deeks · 27-08-2013 11:19AM

aiseiri47 wrote: »

Thanks for the additional responses.

I really don't want to control what people are drinking. The wine thing is really because I feel it's polite to offer wine with dinner, but I don't want to be spending a pile of money on wine because people have a few extra glasses, and because I have literally never paid any attention to the wine at weddings other than the polite no thanks when it's offered, I wasn't sure how it worked and if it was normal to offer one glass or if that would seem stingy.

baby and crumble, that sounds lovely. I'm extremely partial to BBQs myself, having spent half my life in Texas. I think a lot of outdoor ideas sound nice but... well, Ireland.

(Oh, and the Good Friday thing won't work I'm afraid. I'm in no way religious and it would be a civil ceremony. I think people would be suspicious if it was a civil ceremony and then no alcohol because it's Good Friday -- Though, I do wonder if it's even legal to sell alcohol at a wedding on GF anyway.)

I don't know, I'm off to have a think about whether this can be done and what I feel comfortable with. I don't want people to feel they're at a school disco, I want people to have a reasonably good time. I just can't deal with people who are drinking (and, for the record, it's not about the "few eejits" who ruin it for everyone. I'm genuinely made extremely uncomfortable by anyone who's had enough for me to see a slight difference in their behavior. I know some may not understand that, but my purpose in this thread wasn't to discuss my personal views.) Just would like to try for an alcohol-free wedding and trying to gauge if it can be done. Cheers.

To be honest you sound totally unreasonable in the bolded bit.

For the record, its obviously your own choice what you want at your own wedding. I wouldn't expect that many guests if you advertise that its going to be alcohol free though.

PucaMama · 27-08-2013 11:35AM

I think its unfair the way you are talking about people who like a drink. There is nothing wrong with alcohol! Just because ur mother had a drink problem doesnt mean noone should drink around you. As an adult you should be able to accept people have different likes and dislikes to you.

Malari · 27-08-2013 11:42AM

Differences in behaviour at weddings can be caused by many things, not just alcohol - eating a large meal, tiredness after a long day, nerves before or after speeches.

Plus people's reactions to alcohol differ greatly. Some people talk more, some are less inhibited, some are just happier and some you wouldn't notice any difference at all after a couple of glasses of wine. Very few (in my experience none) get rowdy.

You should have the wedding you want, of course, but I would avoid going into detail about your reasons because you might end up offending someone not just because you don't serve alcohol, but because you seem to have very little faith in adults' ability to control their behaviour.

Call me Al · 27-08-2013 11:58AM

Have to say you either have extremely unruly friends or you are a little intolerant of their behaviour.
Alcohol doesn't have to be the big deal it seems to be to you. There is so much more to a wedding than whether or not alcohol is served. A glass or two with a meal isn't going to leave your room falling drunkenly around the place. Likewise many people won't drink at all, or after the meal, if they are driving home.

Like malari observed you shouldn't go into detail as you risk offending people.

Ps please have your speeches after your guests have had something decent to eat.... This drives me potty!

mikom · 27-08-2013 12:19PM

aiseiri47 wrote: »

I don't know, I'm off to have a think about whether this can be done and what I feel comfortable with. I don't want people to feel they're at a school disco, I want people to have a reasonably good time. I just can't deal with people who are drinking (and, for the record, it's not about the "few eejits" who ruin it for everyone. I'm genuinely made extremely uncomfortable by anyone who's had enough for me to see a slight difference in their behavior. I know some may not understand that, but my purpose in this thread wasn't to discuss my personal views.) Just would like to try for an alcohol-free wedding and trying to gauge if it can be done. Cheers.

Will smoking be allowed at the reception?
Are any of the guests allowed to attend if they are on mood altering prescription meds?
Are any children that attend allowed to spin around on the dancefloor to the music thus rendering themselves dizzy.
Will there be sherry trifle?

gallag · 27-08-2013 12:19PM

I honestly would decline the invitation, sounds horrible being controlled for a day including what I drink! No thanks.

mathepac · 27-08-2013 12:52PM

lazygal wrote: »

... In fairness, your personal views are influencing what type of wedding you want to have - you want an alcohol free wedding because of these views. ...

Duh!! Well of course her personal views are influencing the type of wedding OP wants. If she wanted a non-religious wedding ceremony I doubt anyone would have a problem with her proposal, but because she wants to exclude that most sacred of Irish sacred cows, booze, from her wedding day she is seen as odd at best, controlling at worst and perhaps even alco-phobic.

lazygal wrote: »

... I really think this sounds like you're trying to control what happens at your wedding at a very micro level, and that could come across on the day. Are you going to spend the day worrying about how much people drink and how it affects them or just enjoying your own wedding?

To me it sounds like she wants to create an atmosphere where she can relax and enjoy the day without worrying about ugly or embarrassing drunken scenes. She is perfectly entitled to that on her day.

OP I suggest you hire a private venue and declare the day alcohol-free on the invitations. Those who love you and are closest to you won't have a problem with this, will understand your reasoning and attend to enjoy you and the hubby enjoying your day. As for the others ...

I hope it all goes well and I wish you both long life and happiness together.

I get the impression that the nay-sayers here are more concerned about their own enjoyment of the day rather then helping you enjoy yours. It's not about them, it's all about you and the hubby.

Dolbert · 27-08-2013 01:09PM

You could put something in the invitation like

'As we want to preserve a family-friendly atmosphere, alcohol will not be served on the wedding day until Xpm'

This may not work if you don't plan on having kids there though!

MissFlitworth · 27-08-2013 01:27PM

Aw I think OP is getting some seriously harsh reactions here, I have the same spidey sense as to if someone has had even a tiny amount of alcohol. It's a sh1t spidey sense, I'd rather be able to shoot webs. One of my parents was a huge alcoholic and because their drinking triggered all of the worst times of my life I'm hyper aware of the signs, little things you probably don't notice (or are entirely not bothered by) if you haven't been on edge, scared witless, to see them. I notice people's eyes change, I notice them getting louder, more effusive and sillier. I'm not talking about drunk people here either, this is after a glass or 2 of wine and it's tiny changes in behaviour/appearance. There's also the very slight smell of alcohol off people's breath.

I'm ok with it now because I've been around people who can drink without it being a problem but up until a couple of years ago it was so triggering that at any family gatherings involving booze to I'd sit in a corner, tense & miserable, until I could spot a clear way to the door and then I'd do a legger. I'm ok now but if I was still back in that place I'd rather rather get gangrene than get married around people who were drinking. If it's your wedding you can't run away, the feeling of being trapped would have floored me. That beginning bit where someone was getting drunk was the precursor to something awful happening and it's hard to not feel completely freaked out by it.

So no advice on the perfect wedding for you but I really feel for you trying to find a way to make it work and I hope you get the perfect wedding day for you.

Call me Al · 27-08-2013 01:32PM

mathepac wrote: »

Duh!! Well of course her personal views are influencing the type of wedding OP wants. If she wanted a non-religious wedding ceremony I doubt anyone would have a problem with her proposal, but because she wants to exclude that most sacred of Irish sacred cows, booze, from her wedding day she is seen as odd at best, controlling at worst and perhaps even alco-phobic.
To me it sounds like she wants to create an atmosphere where she can relax and enjoy the day without worrying about ugly or embarrassing drunken scenes. She is perfectly entitled to that on her day.

OP I suggest you hire a private venue and declare the day alcohol-free on the invitations. Those who love you and are closest to you won't have a problem with this, will understand your reasoning and attend to enjoy you and the hubby enjoying your day. As for the others ...

I hope it all goes well and I wish you both long life and happiness together.

I get the impression that the nay-sayers here are more concerned about their own enjoyment of the day rather then helping you enjoy yours. It's not about them, it's all about you and the hubby.

I actually disagree completely with your last line. As a host, when you invite guests to your wedding their comfort should be uppermost in your mind. While a host cannot control how they behave, and may or may not choose to serve alcohol, the couple should not lose sight of this fact.

mathepac · 27-08-2013 02:33PM

Call me Al wrote: »

I actually disagree completely with your last line. As a host, when you invite guests to your wedding their comfort should be uppermost in your mind. ...

The appointment of bestmen, matrons-of-honour, groomsmen, bridesmaids etc has a purpose and it is to move all the worry and fussing about arrangements and guests's comfort on the day and the progress of the ceremonies to this happy band of helpers, some of whom theses days seem ignorant of their traditional responsibilities. They smooth the wrinkles out of the day, they enable the couple's relaxation by doing the micro-management on their behalf (e.g. Aunty Mary's false teeth are missing, train-bearer no 17 has had a little "accident" before getting to the jacks, some of the good-will messages are too risqué to be read out, etc.). Their job is to look after the guests on behalf of the couple and to create a cocoon of bonhomie around them. That is how a wedding day is different to other social occasions. IMHO of course.

Malari · 27-08-2013 02:37PM

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Aw I think OP is getting some seriously harsh reactions here, I have the same spidey sense as to if someone has had even a tiny amount of alcohol. It's a sh1t spidey sense, I'd rather be able to shoot webs. One of my parents was a huge alcoholic and because their drinking triggered all of the worst times of my life I'm hyper aware of the signs, little things you probably don't notice (or are entirely not bothered by) if you haven't been on edge, scared witless, to see them. I notice people's eyes change, I notice them getting louder, more effusive and sillier. I'm not talking about drunk people here either, this is after a glass or 2 of wine and it's tiny changes in behaviour/appearance. There's also the very slight smell of alcohol off people's breath.

I'm ok with it now because I've been around people who can drink without it being a problem but up until a couple of years ago it was so triggering that at any family gatherings involving booze to I'd sit in a corner, tense & miserable, until I could spot a clear way to the door and then I'd do a legger. I'm ok now but if I was still back in that place I'd rather rather get gangrene than get married around people who were drinking. If it's your wedding you can't run away, the feeling of being trapped would have floored me. That beginning bit where someone was getting drunk was the precursor to something awful happening and it's hard to not feel completely freaked out by it.

So no advice on the perfect wedding for you but I really feel for you trying to find a way to make it work and I hope you get the perfect wedding day for you.

I appreciate this may make you or others who've had bad experiences with alcoholics in their family uncomfortable. And I agree that the OP should have the wedding she wants, but all I'm saying is don't make it sound like the guests are somehow..."less than" or something for drinking alcohol.

MissFlitworth · 27-08-2013 02:42PM

Malari wrote: »

I appreciate this may make you or others who've had bad experiences with alcoholics in their family uncomfortable. And I agree that the OP should have the wedding she wants, but all I'm saying is don't make it sound like the guests are somehow..."less than" or something for drinking alcohol.

I don't think anyone is less than anything for drinking alcohol, I'd be a whopping hypocrite if I did because I drink myself. Some people were just wondering what the small changes are that are so noticeable and those are the ones that I can see and the ones that used to make me really uncomfortable. It can just be triggering & upsetting and if you're not in a good place with it can make you want to leggit

baby and crumble · 27-08-2013 02:42PM

I love that when the possibility of someone feeling uncomfortable around people who are drinking comes up everyone goes mad. People are different. I feel quite similar to the OP in many ways- I was nearly abducted by a crazy drunk guy when I was a kid- he actually had me in his arms and only for my Dad came barrelling out of a shop and decked the f*cker god knows what would have happened. I am extremely gun shy around drunk people even though I know that it's unreasonable to assume that every person who drinks is scary and/or a threat. But that's how I feel.

So why should my wedding be a place I should be made to feel uncomfortable just because Ireland has a ridiculous dependency on alcohol to fuel fun? Most of my friends don't "need" a drink to feel comfortable, or to relax, or to get up and dance. I find it honestly quite pathetic to hear people say they couldn't possibly have a good night, or enjoy the music etc. without having a few drinks. I'm not saying getting blind drunk, I'm talking about an inability to socialise without a mod altering substance. Think about it. How sad is that?

mikom · 27-08-2013 02:54PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

I'm not saying getting blind drunk, I'm talking about an inability to socialise without a mod altering substance. Think about it. How sad is that?

I know, who needs tea and chocolate biscuits.....

mathepac · 27-08-2013 03:05PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

... a mod altering substance. Think about it. ...

I'm thinking, I'm thinking, OK? It would be great I think

lazygal · 27-08-2013 03:09PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

I find it honestly quite pathetic to hear people say they couldn't possibly have a good night, or enjoy the music etc. without having a few drinks. I'm not saying getting blind drunk, I'm talking about an inability to socialise without a mod altering substance. Think about it. How sad is that?

I find judgmental comments like this quite pathetic. Most people I know like a drink when they're at a social event like a wedding. For reasons such as pregnancy and breastfeeding I haven't been drinking or have only been drinking one a night at most for the past two years. I don't think I'm pathetic for looking forward to being able to have a few drinks when I'm at the next wedding I'm invited to. No one is forced to drink, but telling adults that you think they're pathetic for choosing to drink or, like the OP, wanting to restrict perfectly legal consumption of something that's available at most social events for adults, is quite unfair. I don't think someone's pathetic for choosing not to drink, so why do you think adults who choose to drink are somehow pathetic?

baby and crumble · 27-08-2013 03:19PM

lazygal wrote: »

I find judgmental comments like this quite pathetic. Most people I know like a drink when they're at a social event like a wedding. For reasons such as pregnancy and breastfeeding I haven't been drinking or have only been drinking one a night at most for the past two years. I don't think I'm pathetic for looking forward to being able to have a few drinks when I'm at the next wedding I'm invited to. No one is forced to drink, but telling adults that you think they're pathetic for choosing to drink or, like the OP, wanting to restrict perfectly legal consumption of something that's available at most social events for adults, is quite unfair. I don't think someone's pathetic for choosing not to drink, so why do you think adults who choose to drink are somehow pathetic?

Everyone's entitled to their opinion. I just have mine, you have yours, and there you go. I won't change mine- and I'm not saying I'm against drinking. At all. I enjoy the odd whiskey every now and again, but my point is I don't 'need' it or expect it at a party. I can have the exact same experience on 7up as on whiskey, and tbh if I'm going "out" or to a function like a wedding I don't drink. I'll drink my nice whiskey at home for the taste, not the effect. Moderation is fine.

Fact is people judge me all the time when I go out and don't drink.

"Oh are you on antibiotics?"
"No"
"You're driving then?"
"No"
"Sure you'll have a drink then?"
"I have a drink"
"No, but a real drink"

???

27-08-2013 03:31PM

Why don't you arrange to have the wedding on Good Friday?

Malari · 27-08-2013 04:47PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

Everyone's entitled to their opinion. I just have mine, you have yours, and there you go. I won't change mine- and I'm not saying I'm against drinking. At all. I enjoy the odd whiskey every now and again, but my point is I don't 'need' it or expect it at a party. I can have the exact same experience on 7up as on whiskey, and tbh if I'm going "out" or to a function like a wedding I don't drink. I'll drink my nice whiskey at home for the taste, not the effect. Moderation is fine.

Fact is people judge me all the time when I go out and don't drink.

"Oh are you on antibiotics?"
"No"
"You're driving then?"
"No"
"Sure you'll have a drink then?"
"I have a drink"
"No, but a real drink"

???

Yes, I hate conversations like that too, they are terribly presumptuous. But most people aren't like that, I have found.

I just don't understand why you say you drink the odd whiskey because you enjoy the taste, but if people want to have a drink out at a social occasion it's because they "need" it?

lazygal · 27-08-2013 04:53PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

Everyone's entitled to their opinion. I just have mine, you have yours, and there you go. I won't change mine- and I'm not saying I'm against drinking. At all. I enjoy the odd whiskey every now and again, but my point is I don't 'need' it or expect it at a party. I can have the exact same experience on 7up as on whiskey, and tbh if I'm going "out" or to a function like a wedding I don't drink. I'll drink my nice whiskey at home for the taste, not the effect. Moderation is fine.

Fact is people judge me all the time when I go out and don't drink.

"Oh are you on antibiotics?"
"No"
"You're driving then?"
"No"
"Sure you'll have a drink then?"
"I have a drink"
"No, but a real drink"

???

So why is it OK for you to have a whiskey for the taste? Do you think people drinking alcohol at social events don't enjoy the taste? Sounds a bit superior to say you have something because you enjoy the taste but other reasons for drinking aren't as valid. I enjoy the taste of red wine, brandy and a gin and tonic,but I don't restrict myself to drinking at home.

mathepac · 27-08-2013 05:00PM

I'm outta here.

It's all getting a bit personal, a bit catty and name cally now. It won't end well.

"An' you said", "an' who do you think you are", "an' what about", "an' how dare you say that I said", "an' she said", "no I said" ....

clint_silver · 27-08-2013 05:15PM

If it can stay on topic it might be saved as it is an interesting one.

The outliers will say definitely No (because they dont need a drink) or definitely yes (I dont need a drink but I like a drink and dont want to be told what to do).

The real answer may lie somewhere in the middle with a compromise where bar might only open until or from a certain time so its moderated or if enough forewarning is given that there definitely is no bar so guests could be prepared and I dont mean that theyed sneak drink in or nip to a near bar.

Non-Alcoholic Wedding?

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