It's been ten years and I'm still not over him

Ellie2811 · 20-05-2013 03:44PM #1

I don't know where to start with this but I guess I'm looking for advice - and basically somebody to shake some sense into me.
My story goes back over 13 years....
When I was 16 I got together with a great guy. We were madly in love....I honestly don't know many people who have ever been in such a relationship. We were best of friends and everything was just 'perfect'.
Because we got together so young we were both aware of the fact that we hadn't really 'lived'.....and basically just gone through the young silly phase of partying and kissing random strangers.
We started college shortly after getting together. One summer he travelled in Europe and cheated on me with a girl he met there. We had decided to go on a break but hadn't set any rules. So he slept with somebody else and it broke my heart. We got together again after that and I have to say he was amazing.....it took me a long time to forgive him and he waited patiently and made it very very clear it would never happen again. (And I am 100% sure about that.)
But I think although I 'forgave' him I still agreed that we both needed to be 'young and free'.....and I think I secretly was annoyed that he got to have that 'young free and single' lifestyle even if it was just for one summer.
I broke up with him a few years later. And I must admit I didn't handle it very well. I strung him along for a long few months and totally broke his heart.
Eventually he met someone else. While I had been going out and being silly he met and fell for another girl. When that happened I think I was in shock. While I broke up with him, in my mind, we were taking time out but of course we would get back together. (We were only 21 at the time). At that point I realised my mistake but I didn't say anything because I didn't think it would be fair. I thought if I moved on I would meet someone else. After a few years I did meet someone else. He was great and we were really happy for a while. But a year or so into our relationship I found I was finding fault with lots of things he did. I realised I was comparing him to my ex and judging him unfairly. So I broke up with him and called my ex and told him how I felt. I poured my heart out to him and told him how much I regretted breaking up with him. I realise this was a really selfish thing to do but I just felt so strongly. (I was also aware of the fact that he and his new girlfriend had been on-and-off over the last couple of years). He told me he was sorry but we would not be getting back together.
I took that as my 'closure' and tried to move on. I moved away (out of the country) and got back with my boyfriend....and we worked on things and were very happy. For a number of years I lived a very happy life with him....and I know I made him happy.
Recently however, I have moved back home to Cork. Although he is no longer living here, it has brought up all my old feelings. I think all those years away I was ignoring it and running away from my problems. It doesn't help that now I'm home I see all his friends all the time as we have so many mutual friends. I hate it. I would much rather never see anyone that reminds me of him but it would mean cutting out all the people I know at home.
I don't know what to do. My relationship with my new boyfriend has fallen apart because of this. I couldn't stay with him once I realised I was having all these feelings. I've wasted his time and hurt him. I'm now alone and I don't know what to do. I know I have been silly and selfish and I need to move on alone and figure myself out but I'm really struggling. The worst part about it is the fact that friends (who don't know how I feel) sometimes casually mention how they don't understand how we never got back together...and how well were suited we were. A girlfriend of a friend of his who didn't even know us when we were together even once mentioned to me that she believes he never got over me.
I just don't know what to do. It's making me crazy! It's been almost ten years since we broke up. How can I still feel like this? Is there anybody else who feels like this? I'm really struggling and I just don't know what to do. He is still with the girl he met all those years ago...they worked out everything after a few years of being on and off. So I can't tell him how I feel. I don't know what to do.

CaraMay · 20-05-2013 07:33PM

You can feel like this because you are choosing to wallow and not het on with life. Obviously you are also choosing to get into relationships with guys you don't truly love. Have you been single at all?

Bottom line is you asked him back and he said no. You can choose to spend your life moping or by living it. You will love again if you choose to let go.

judgefudge · 20-05-2013 07:59PM

CaraMay wrote: »

You can feel like this because you are choosing to wallow and not het on with life. Obviously you are also choosing to get into relationships with guys you don't truly love. Have you been single at all?

Bottom line is you asked him back and he said no. You can choose to spend your life moping or by living it. You will love again if you choose to let go.

Completely agree. It sounds like you are holding out hope that he still hasn't got over you. You need to let go. It's hard to deal with rejection, I've been there myself. But you need to accept that it's over and move on with your life. I know its easy to say that and not so easy to do. Maybe some counselling would help.

But in fairness when you were with him you chose to go elsewhere. So maybe you are thinking back on it in a more favourable light, and it wasn't as amazing as you think.

beks101 · 20-05-2013 08:41PM

I think you need to cut yourself a bit of slack here.

The way I see it, you've spent the bulk of the last ten years running away from this problem, distracting yourself with new surroundings and new friends and a new relationship, and now you're back in Cork at "the scene of the crime", as it were, so all those old, unresolved feelings are re-surfacing.

I think that's a very human reaction. I've been living away from home for 10+ years too, no big relationship behind me but there are skeletons that pop out of the closet and provoke a sort of melancholy in me too when I'm back on home turf for longer than a week or two.

Old haunts I used to visit with friends that are no longer friends, familiar faces that I associate with a difficult time in my life, memories on every corner. Some good, some bad. You shared all your early memories as a young woman in Cork with this guy who you loved deeply...your first true love, your best friend, who you experienced immeasurable happiness and heartbreak with and you never got closure from. Of course you feel sadness at what is lost. Of course you feel hyper emotional. Because the life that you left in Cork was with him.

I don't really know how to advise you, only that I know how it sucks and it's going to suck for a little while until you've re-adjusted. It's raw right now, but time does amazing things for the healing process. Maybe it's time to re-discover Cork in your own way now, as a 30 something woman, create some new hobbies and friends and new memories to distract from the old.

Remember this: Cork is not the same place and you are not the same person you were 10 years ago. Neither is your ex. It wouldn't work; it doesn't sound like it was working very well towards the end ten years ago either & it's simply the nostalgia and the rose tinted glasses that are keeping you from realizing that.

Give yourself time and keep busy, surround yourself with friends and laughter. You'll be grand.

Ellie2811 · 21-05-2013 06:38PM

Thanks so much for your replies. Much of what has been said I know already. I just need to actually do it. It's hard because I don't have anyone to talk to about this and when left to my own devices can tend to let my imagination / emotions run amok.
I just never thought I would feel so sad about this after so many years. I guess it may be worse now as I'm settling back into life at home.
But I suppose I need to try move on. I did think about counselling but then felt silly about it. I think focussing on the fact that I'm a different person / he's a different person is good advice.
To CaraMay.... yes I have been single. I gave myself time alone as I didn't want to mix up feelings. But I'm still a bit of a mess.
It just helps sometimes to hear an outsider's view - because it's hard to be rational when you're the one in the situation.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2013 09:10PM

I can relate with what you're saying and how you are feeling.

I'm in a long term relationship with a great woman, an amazing, beautiful woman but occasionally and unwantedly I find myself thinking about an ex from years back. It's a visceral feeling, part obsession and part addiction I think. I'd genuinely give so much to feel nothing (good or bad) for my ex, but I genuinely don't know how. Now, 75% of the time I am happy with my life, my relationship. This other person is the space between the reality of life and the ideal I think. The reality of life is sometimes you're tired, stressed, bored, unsatisfied but the ideal is to be content of fulfilled all the time. In some respects my daydream of her is just a distraction from the day to day reality.

But anyhow, on to your point, you've obviously made some big decisions in your life, big changes, recently. Be kind to yourself. You have a dream of this other guy but after a decade he isn't likely to match up to it. Find a way to fill your life, find things you want to do and do them.

You are revisiting a place that's loaded with meaning for you, but you can give it new meanings, new memories. Good luck, it's a lousy way to feel but it'll be ok.

It's been ten years and I'm still not over him

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