Why do people still have expensive weddings?

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:03PM

Shenshen wrote: »

People have however complained about the "cost" of it, people have stated that they were giving money despite being a little strapped for cash themselves, and people have been explaining that they would hold grudges against people who they might feel haven't "given enough", and that they have heard people complaining about not receiving enough.

can you point out where that was said or complained about. I cannot remember anybody complaining that they would hold grudges if people didn't give enough and complaining about not receiving enough and complaining about giving money when they are strapped for cash. I don't remember any of that being said on here.

However, if they feel like this about money surely they would feel the same about an unwanted present of something they have already.

15-05-2013 03:04PM

Kyra Echoing Cap wrote: »

While the personal gift might be a nice touch, cash is a lot more useful to people though. I cant fathom why anyone would think it was disrespectful.

As I said it was a conversation among themselves that I happened to hear and they weren't really bitching about it just mentioning how surprising it is how people with more money are happy to give pretty small gifts and how they wouldn't dream of giving so little themselves.

Eh, that's bitching.

15-05-2013 03:04PM

Shenshen wrote: »

:eek:

Seriously?

To be perfectly honest, that does leave me kind of speechless.

What happens from a lifetime of just throwing money at things instead of making an effort, I suppose

Shenshen · 15-05-2013 03:06PM

fishy fishy wrote: »

can you point out where that was said or complained about. I cannot remember anybody complaining that they would hold grudges if people didn't give enough and complaining about not receiving enough and complaining about giving money when they are strapped for cash. I don't remember any of that being said on here.

However, if they feel like this about money surely they would feel the same about an unwanted present of something they have already.

See two posts above.
I'm not trailing back through 34 pages of thread, all of what I stated has been posted, much of it by the same poster even.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:06PM

Shenshen wrote: »

In the case of the post I was replying to it was giving a sibling €50 for a birthday, in previous posts it was about people giving €300 or €400 to a bride and groom.

but surely it is up to the individual what they want to give - some people feel comfortable giving 300 - 400, some feel comfortable giving 50. There is no "specific" sum that is mandatory. You give what you can afford - the exact same as you purchase a present that you can afford. Whats the difference?
at least with money they can spend it how they want - with a present there is more of a chance they have it already and are lumbered with yet another one.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:09PM

kennryyr wrote: »

fishyfishy if you were invited to a wedding of a friend of an acquaintance how much money would you give as your gift? €100? €200?

i don't think I have ever been invited to a wedding of "a friend of an acquaintance" First of all an acquaintance is something that I feel you may say hello to, see at the gym or at work - why would I be invited to a wedding of a friend of that acquaintance? I simply would not go to that wedding. I'm not obligated to go to a wedding - I would attend a wedding only if I knew the person as a friend, family, in law of mine or my OH.s.

Shenshen · 15-05-2013 03:09PM

fishy fishy wrote: »

but surely it is up to the individual what they want to give - some people feel comfortable giving 300 - 400, some feel comfortable giving 50. There is no "specific" sum that is mandatory. You give what you can afford - the exact same as you purchase a present that you can afford. Whats the difference?
at least with money they can spend it how they want - with a present there is more of a chance they have it already and are lumbered with yet another one.

I think the difference is that to me, a present is something personal.
It's something someone spent time and effort thinking about, whether they then buy something or make something.
I've had a song written for me as a birthday present once, it didn't cost the person giving it a bent penny, but it's something that I'm treasuring to this day.

"You give what you can afford" is not giving a present - it's buying your way out of an obligation you dislike.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:13PM

Shenshen wrote: »

See two posts above.
I'm not trailing back through 34 pages of thread, all of what I stated has been posted, much of it by the same poster even.

because I don't recall it was said on this forum. Izzy's attempt at trying to say it was is incorrect above - she is highlighting a statement that somebody overheard...

you said that.....

People have however complained about the "cost" of it, people have stated that they were giving money despite being a little strapped for cash themselves, and people have been explaining that they would hold grudges against people who they might feel haven't "given enough", and that they have heard people complaining about not receiving enough.

I know you don't want to troll through 34 pages but really, these things were never stated on here as far as I can see.

Shenshen · 15-05-2013 03:14PM

fishy fishy wrote: »

because it was never said on this forum.

3rd post on this very page.

15-05-2013 03:16PM

Shenshen wrote: »

:eek:

Seriously?

To be perfectly honest, that does leave me kind of speechless.
In short, you give money because you can't be bothered to find out about the interests or need of the person you're giving the money to?
I'm not sure if you could say "I don't care" in a more drastic way.
And you wonder why this attitude would seem disrespectful to me?

Would I invest time to find out what a family member wants, yes definitely. However when a lot of the time people don't even know what they want themselves or have something in mind that's expensive and you figure they would rather have some of the money towards it then money makes the most sense. However this for me would be a christmas thing, for birthdays or other things I just think money is the best option. I never saw a person disappointed to get cash.

Would I be bother to put time into trying to figure out what someone might want outside my close family or Girlfriend no is probably the answer to this alright and I don't see why I should either to be honest.

somecreep · 15-05-2013 03:18PM

I have a mate who just flew to Las Vegas with the missus to get married. We only found out two years later that they were actually married. He didn't want a fuss.

halkar · 15-05-2013 03:19PM

30k is nothing comparing to what the divorce will cost

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:20PM

Shenshen wrote: »

I think the difference is that to me, a present is something personal.
It's something someone spent time and effort thinking about, whether they then buy something or make something.
I've had a song written for me as a birthday present once, it didn't cost the person giving it a bent penny, but it's something that I'm treasuring to this day.

"You give what you can afford" is not giving a present - it's buying your way out of an obligation you dislike.

nice that you had a song written about you for your birthday. You have a birthday every year. A wedding is different. I've had many a poem that I still keep also. I believe it is more useful to the TWO people getting married to purchase something they want themselves tho.

Greentopia · 15-05-2013 03:22PM

BizzyC wrote: »

Doubtful.
You'd be very surprised with the expense of putting up a marquee and providing food and drink for that many people, even if it was only one drink.

The food was a buffet affair, all vegetarian as I said, cooked and prepared by the family. Beer would be a few hundred more. Don't know how much marquees are to rent but I know the people involved and no way would they have shelled out thousands for one. They're all artists and film makers and wouldn't be the type to splash the cash, even if they had it.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:25PM

Shenshen wrote: »

3rd post on this very page.

commenting on something and beaching about something are two different things.

Basically that comments says that richer people tend to be tighter and poorer people tend to be more generous. If you ever had any life experience you would know this to be mostly true. (I suppose thats why they are rich). I don't see where they are b**ching that they weren't given enough, or that they were going to hold a grudge etc.

I don't believe that sentence covers the points you are saying were made in this thread.

Shenshen · 15-05-2013 03:26PM

fishy fishy wrote: »

nice that you had a song written about you for your birthday. You have a birthday every year. A wedding is different. I've had many a poem that I still keep also. I believe it is more useful to the TWO people getting married to purchase something they want themselves tho.

I know it's different, as I said we had ours a few years back and the only money we received was from my husband's parents and my own mother (neither of which could be disuaded).

We haven't received cash from any of our friends, and wouldn't have accepted it if we had.
I've been to a few weddings, and have never given cash on any of them, it wasn't expected.
Instead, I would have offered help with the catering (spending the whole day before the wedding in the kitchen with the bride and some friends to prepare the food and cakes), I have helped with the entertainment, or would have given the couple something I knew they would like and cherish.

Personally, I would rather not receive anything than receive cash, to me it sends the message "Ok, I decided to come so I had to bring some sort of gift, but I couldn't be bothered to spend time thinking of something you guys might want, so here's the money instead".

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:28PM

Shenshen wrote: »

I know it's different, as I said we had ours a few years back and the only money we received was from my husband's parents and my own mother (neither of which could be disuaded).

We haven't received cash from any of our friends, and wouldn't have accepted it if we had.
I've been to a few weddings, and have never given cash on any of them, it wasn't expected.
Instead, I would have offered help with the catering (spending the whole day before the wedding in the kitchen with the bride and some friends to prepare the food and cakes), I have helped with the entertainment, or would have given the couple something I knew they would like and cherish.

Personally, I would rather not receive anything than receive cash, to me it sends the message "Ok, I decided to come so I had to bring some sort of gift, but I couldn't be bothered to spend time thinking of something you guys might want, so here's the money instead".

thats up to you but don't put down people who DO prefer to receive cash.

Shenshen · 15-05-2013 03:29PM

fishy fishy wrote: »

commenting on something and beaching about something are two different things.

Basically that comments says that richer people tend to be tighter and poorer people tend to be more generous. If you ever had any life experience you would know this to be mostly true. (I suppose thats why they are rich). I don't see where they are b**ching that they weren't given enough, or that they were going to hold a grudge etc.

I don't believe that sentence covers the points you are saying were made in this thread.

Sure, I went through 40 years of life with not experience whatsoever. Could you please get a little more personally insulting?

So you wouldn't call debating how much a person "could" have given versus what they "have" given to be bitchy?
Because to me discussing the lack of value of a present is the hight of bad manners. I might be old-fashioned, but I was taught that you never ask how much a present cost, you never leave the sticker on to let people see how much you spent, and you never compare the value of two gifts you received.

southsiderosie · 15-05-2013 03:29PM

fishy fishy wrote: »

Going back to a point I made earlier - what do you think of American weddings where they do the "line" so that they can collect all their money presents as people are coming into the wedding - they even have a special "purse" for it. What do you think of jewish weddings where you have to pin wads of cash onto the bride and groom. Any comments on this at all or is it just the "irish" you have a problem with.

fishy fishy wrote: »

Having lived there I attended over a dozen weddings, probably closer to twenty - it's the done thing - nobody bats an eye - its not vulgar believe me .

they either do that or they have to pick a present of the bride/groom's choosing from a shop that the bride/groom selects - bride/groom makes a list of what they want in that shop and the guests must go to that shop to pick out one of the items they requested.

I'd prefer the money option myself - more freedom and you can give what you want.

Just to clarify a few things about American weddings...

The point of a receiving line is so that the bride, groom and their families can greet all of their guests and thank them for coming. It is expected at weddings with more than 50 people because that may be the only opportunity for people to say hello to the couple at a big reception. Traditionally, the groomsmen don't stand in the line, because they are supposed to be escorting people to their tables, being sure they have drinks, etc.

As for money, the US is a very diverse place, so whatever wedding gift-giving traditions people have are usually tied to whatever ethnic background they are. Italian families traditionally give cash gifts directly to the bride at weddings, and there is a lot of reciprocity involved in gift-giving. However, at those kinds of weddings, the reception is usually pretty extravagant. In the black community, gift-giving is more common (as are dry receptions). So these 'traditions' can vary wildly.

Most people these days make a gift registry, but a lot of the time, close friends and family will buy up all of the gifts for the bridal shower so by the time you get to the wedding, you just end up giving cash by default. Registries are also nice for out-of-town guests, or for couples who may get married in the bride's hometown but live somewhere else - you can order online and ship directly to their house which is easier for everyone.

FInally, please don't conflate what people do with what is actually considered appropriate behavior. The main complaint about American weddings these days is that the bride and groom use them as a fundraising exercise to go on vacation, refurnish their house, etc. Now, for many people, wedding gifts will de facto do so, but what guests are increasingly tired of is the expectation that they will do so. This is even more true for friends and family: bridesmaids are expected to attend multiple showers, plan and pay for the bachelorette party, pay for a dress that they will never wear again, pay for hotels and travel (if they are from out of town), and help with bridal dress shopping, planning, etc. Unfortunately, the Bridezilla phenomenon is real and growing.

anncoates · 15-05-2013 03:29PM

We plundered our son's college fund to get married because we always wanted to get married in a castle. It was a dream of ours.

Hopefully we can build up the fund again before he leaves school but it was worth it to have such a great day with 250 of our friends.

Shenshen · 15-05-2013 03:29PM

fishy fishy wrote: »

thats up to you but don't put down people who DO prefer to receive cash.

I'm not.
I'm putting down people who prefer to give cash as the easy option.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:30PM

Greentopia wrote: »

The food was a buffet affair, all vegetarian as I said, cooked and prepared by the family. Beer would be a few hundred more. Don't know how much marquees are to rent but I know the people involved and no way would they have shelled out thousands for one. They're all artists and film makers and wouldn't be the type to splash the cash, even if they had it.

a marquee for 200 people would cost in the region of 5,000 per day ( and this is just the bare marquee - tables/chairs, curtains, soft drink area, toilets, insurance are all extras. A marquee is definitely NOT a cheap option. (from experience)

Red Pepper · 15-05-2013 03:31PM

If threads could commit suicide, I think this one would....

kennryyr · 15-05-2013 03:33PM

anncoates wrote: »

We plundered our son's college fund to get married because we always wanted to get married in a castle. It was a dream of ours.

Hopefully we can build up the fund again before he leaves school but it was worth it to have such a great day with 250 of our friends.

God I hope you're not trolling...

awec · 15-05-2013 03:40PM

TBH I prefer if the couple have a wedding gift list. At least then I can just go to the list and buy something at the amount I want to spend and I at least know it's something that they need and will get use out of.

Better than giving cash and better than the couple ending up with 5 dinner sets or 3 blenders etc.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:45PM

Shenshen wrote: »

I'm not.
I'm putting down people who prefer to give cash as the easy option.

thats your opinion - other people would call it an alternative option.

Greentopia · 15-05-2013 03:51PM

Kyra Echoing Cap wrote: »

I cant understand this way of thinking. You spend money on the present anyway so even if they don't ask for cash (which most don't) why not give it anyway as it will be much more useful to the couple and you wont run the risk of getting something they already have/don't want etc.

Actually a lot of people do ask for cash now. As I said-I won't give cash because it's crass and distasteful to me to be asked for it. What don't you understand about that?
A present is the traditional gift in this country, not money.

Furthermore, I work in a creative field and don't earn a lot of money right now. What if I've accepted the invitation and wish to go only to be landed with a request for x amount when I don't have that much? that would cause embarrassment and possibly hurt feelings all round.

And what I spend on a present is at my discretion, as it should be because it's a gift, not a demand. How much I spend on a present is under my control. A request for money comes across as more a bill to be paid and if you don't stump up the required amount you're viewed as either a tight wad or that you don't care enough for the people to give them what they ask for, or you're too poor to give it.

Do you think I would want people speculating on my finances as a result? of course not, that's no-one else's business but my own.

Don't you see the myriad of problems this can cause for people? not to mention the fact that it's very unfair to ask people for upwards of €50/100 in the times we live in.

Also, if I was going to a friends wedding (I don't go to weddings of people I hardly know), I would already have a good idea what they would want and need, they could have a wedding list to avoid buying duplicates of what they already own and any gift I buy or make (I make handmade OOAK craft items that I sometimes give as gifts also) will be there long after any money I would have given them is spent.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:54PM

Shenshen wrote: »

Sure, I went through 40 years of life with not experience whatsoever. Could you please get a little more personally insulting?

So you wouldn't call debating how much a person "could" have given versus what they "have" given to be bitchy?
Because to me discussing the lack of value of a present is the hight of bad manners. I might be old-fashioned, but I was taught that you never ask how much a present cost, you never leave the sticker on to let people see how much you spent, and you never compare the value of two gifts you received.

but its okay to say and do what you want to/about somebody who thinks cash is a better option for a wedding.

fishy fishy · 15-05-2013 03:56PM

southsiderosie wrote: »

Just to clarify a few things about American weddings...

The point of a receiving line is so that the bride, groom and their families can greet all of their guests and thank them for coming. It is expected at weddings with more than 50 people because that may be the only opportunity for people to say hello to the couple at a big reception. Traditionally, the groomsmen don't stand in the line, because they are supposed to be escorting people to their tables, being sure they have drinks, etc.

As for money, the US is a very diverse place, so whatever wedding gift-giving traditions people have are usually tied to whatever ethnic background they are. Italian families traditionally give cash gifts directly to the bride at weddings, and there is a lot of reciprocity involved in gift-giving. However, at those kinds of weddings, the reception is usually pretty extravagant. In the black community, gift-giving is more common (as are dry receptions). So these 'traditions' can vary wildly.

Most people these days make a gift registry, but a lot of the time, close friends and family will buy up all of the gifts for the bridal shower so by the time you get to the wedding, you just end up giving cash by default. Registries are also nice for out-of-town guests, or for couples who may get married in the bride's hometown but live somewhere else - you can order online and ship directly to their house which is easier for everyone.

FInally, please don't conflate what people do with what is actually considered appropriate behavior. The main complaint about American weddings these days is that the bride and groom use them as a fundraising exercise to go on vacation, refurnish their house, etc. Now, for many people, wedding gifts will de facto do so, but what guests are increasingly tired of is the expectation that they will do so. This is even more true for friends and family: bridesmaids are expected to attend multiple showers, plan and pay for the bachelorette party, pay for a dress that they will never wear again, pay for hotels and travel (if they are from out of town), and help with bridal dress shopping, planning, etc. Unfortunately, the Bridezilla phenomenon is real and growing.

so basically you are saying that yes, cash can be given at a wedding and it is acceptable, not considered "irish" or "vulgar"

as far as travel, bridal showers, etc - thats a whole other story - we are talking about giving money as a wedding gift.

15-05-2013 03:59PM

Shenshen wrote: »

Personally, I would rather not receive anything than receive cash, to me it sends the message "Ok, I decided to come so I had to bring some sort of gift, but I couldn't be bothered to spend time thinking of something you guys might want, so here's the money instead".

Shenshen wrote: »

I'm not.
I'm putting down people who prefer to give cash as the easy option.

I really struggle to get my head around this. How someone could possibly be disappointed to get cash really is beyond me. You will always find a use for money.

I also don't see cash as the easy option, its by far the most sensible option if you don't have some exact thing in mind for the person in question. The person will be a lot happier to get cash too rather than something they already have/don't want etc. As I've stated for certain situations I would try to get gifts other than cash, i.e. Christmas presents for family members, gf etc but usually only if I know the thing I'm buying is something that they want. For instance I bought concert tickets for my parents at Christmas as I knew they were interested in a particular event.

In contrast say at mothers day I knew my mother was interested in a certain piece of jewelry which was more expensive than I could afford so myself and my sisters gave her money as a present towards it.

Greentopia wrote: »

As I said-I won't give cash because it's crass and distasteful to me to be asked for it. What don't you understand about that?
A present is the traditional gift in this country, not money.

How many times do I have to say that I don't agree with putting "cash only" on a wedding invitation. I have never come across this myself. I do think that cash or a well thought out voucher are by far the most sensible gifts to give though and nowadays cash is the traditional gift to give for a wedding.

Why do people still have expensive weddings?

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