Ex relations. How to handle the situation & my emotions

cookiexx · 26-02-2013 05:10PM #1

Hey all,

Would appreciate some advice. Head is a bit all over the place!

In a nutshell, was seeing a guy for a few months, didn't work out, he ended it a month ago. Strong feelings on my part. Knocked me for six a bit, because my feelings had grown so much, but ultimately glad to be rid of the head melt that he put me through while we were dating.

Haven't seen him since it ended, which has helped a lot. But, he's part of a wider network of friends that I have in a city I am relatively new to, so these are people who's friendship I value and want to keep. There's a night out happening on Saturday. He will 100% for sure be there. I'm invited and intend on going.

I'd been doing pretty well the last two weeks, keeping busy and keeping my brain off him, but this invite is bringing all the feelings back. Doing daft things like going through the "invite" list on facebook and freaking out with thoughts that he's seeing someone new and she'll be there.

How do I handle myself? I know it's a dumb question, but I'm sort of inexperienced when it comes to relationships and genuinely stressed at the thought that I'll be sat in the corner watching him flirt with some other girl all night & it'll set me back weeks again.

So, polite and civil and not engage too much? Is that the best approach?
Feel so sad all over again

IrishEyes19 · 26-02-2013 05:22PM

Hi OP. Know what you're going through!!

Can I suggest you dont go? I'm all for being strong and independent and not caring what someone else thinks. But I've had a similar situation except it went on for years and even when I hadn't seen or spoken to him for months, the minute he cropped up again, I was back where I started. A month is no time at all. And if you are now doing all the stuff you did when you ended the relationship like checking facebook and wondering is he with someone, well then you know deep down you aren't over him.

Is it really worth going when it could invite an unpleasant situation. you may be civil, you may not speak any words to him at all. But in my opinion the damage isn't in that, but in how you will feel afterwards when you go home. I'm just being honest when I say, that when I went to parties and events in the past where I knew an ex was, it was because I wanted to see them and them to see me, that was my only intent. It was never because I wanted to go to the party terribly. Before you go to this, you need to decide what your true intentions are and if you are willing to risk a few hours for what could be a lot of regret and pain. Hope you make the right choice and I know what it feels like. so hang in there.

cookiexx · 26-02-2013 05:42PM

Thanks, that's great advice.

I suppose you're right in that I should re-consider going.

I think I want to go for a few reasons. In part because I was specifically invited by the girl who's organizing the night, who is a new friend of mine and at the moment with this break up and being away from home, friendship and good company is important to me. I don't want to appear rude or run the risk of not being invited to future events because of this.

And in part defiance - he's out enjoying himself, hanging out with all our mutual friends, not a care in the world - why should I be the one who has to hide away from the crowd and miss out socially? There'll be a lot of great people there on Saturday & I'm tired of laying low & not bothering because the thought of seeing him kind of freaks me out.

But I've taken this break-up harder than I ever could've expected - it's wreaked havoc with my self-esteem during a time when I'm already a bit emotionally fragile and you're right in that I need to consider if it's worth running the risk of messing myself up mentally again.

I'm trying to envisage worst case scenario here and what that would mean for me. Say if I turn up and he's clearly with someone new. I'd feel humiliated I think, among our group of mutual friends, and I can't imagine not feeling completely hurt and upset. Throw alcohol in the mix...jesus knows.

But I'm going to bump into him again at some stage, you know? There'll be another mutual friends' birthday, then another leaving party, then paddy's day, then a 30th birthday...he'll be at ALL of them. I may as well just get it over and done with now, you know?

Merkin · 26-02-2013 05:46PM

Can you bring one of your own friends along for moral support? So not someone in any way connected with your ex or your mutual group of friends but someone independent of them all who is a good pal who will be your wingwoman on the night?

fits · 26-02-2013 05:52PM

If you do go and I can understand why you do if you feel isolated, don't drink any alcohol, or at most one. And leave early.

IrishEyes19 · 26-02-2013 06:21PM

Of course dont hide away. But I think a month is an incredibly short time. I can only go on my own experience but when I look back, I know now that every time I put myself in his company be it at a party or event. The few hours of seeing him, were NEVER worth the pain of it afterwards, because he always let me down, OP. Even when And you said he wasnt good to you, dont believe he ever will be.

As for running into him in the future, thats ok. But dont do it now, when you are clearly not ready and dont be ashamed that you are not ready. I've an ongoing situation right now and its been going on for years. So I really know where you are coming from. Spare yourself the pain. It isnt humiliation by the way. so dont think that. no one looks at the ex of a person and ever thinks badly of them. Its just discomfort.

Its up to you at the end of the day. But I've been there and it didn't do me any good. Best of luck

seenitall · 26-02-2013 06:27PM

Hi OP,

embrace the pain, say I.

I'll tell you what I mean. I was in a very similar situation to yours a few days ago, I went to an event where I knew this guy that I'm into, and who essentially rejected me a few weeks ago, would be. I also know that he has been pursuing another woman recently.

Well, my way of dealing with this stuff is emotionally prepping yourself beforehand, and indeed actively imagining the guy being with another girl, kissing her in company, PDA's, the whole shebang. That way, I do start feeling, well, ok, that's the worst that can happen and now I've prepared myself for that. So there's nothing else to fear now, so how about enjoying the party and devoting it to catching up with friends and to meeting some new people?

The above may sound painful and kind of masochistic, but it really works, OP. I think that in so many cases, the old adage is true: there is nothing to fear, but fear itself. When you face your fears, they get all small and disempowered, and have no choice but to scuttle off (I like visualising this too, it's fun!

).

I think you should go. I would.

The best of luck with it all, anyhow. And remember; this is neither the first or, in some probability, the last guy you'll feel this way about. A bit of perspective also goes a long way to peace of mind.

cookiexx · 26-02-2013 07:02PM

Thank you all.

I'm feeling a bit better about the whole situation now.

I think it's important, for me personally, that I go to this on Saturday, as I've established a few new friends recently who will all be there. And I'd prefer to face this social situation now and get it over with, rather than holding off and it becoming a bigger deal in my head.

I'm not harbouring any secret hopes that we'd get back together or anything, and I know in many senses this guy just wasn't good enough for me and what I want in life (namely, a guy who actually makes an effort and whose words and actions match up), it's just these residual emotions and the sting of the rejection that I'm dealing with. I had feelings for about six months before anything even happened between us so it's taking some time to shake them again.

I think I'm going to take the friendly and civil route, smile and say hi, act as though nothing ever happened between us, but not get into any conversations with him. And mentally prep myself for the worst, because I don't want to deal with any more upset, I want to be able to enjoy myself no matter what I'm faced with. It's not fucking all about him on Saturday anyway, there's a lot more decent people who will be there that I want to catch up with!

I'm thinking I might invite a good friend of mine over for pre-drinks, she's friends with all of them but knows about my situation & I just don't want to be walking in on my own. And I think I really, really need to take it easy on the drink :eek:

Thank you all again

tomthetank · 26-02-2013 10:14PM

Going through a somewhat similar thing right now.

Focus on your friends. You deserve a good night out and you deserve to enjoy yourself in good company after the month you've had, so sit down, give yourself a pep talk and decide that that will be your goal for the night. Good friends, laughter, meeting new people, being sociable.

Say hi, be courteous and polite but you really don't owe him any more. In time you might be friends but for now I think it's too much for you - it's certainly too much for me.

I think it's important in this situations to keep your dignity and pride in tact, because that will help with any inevitable pain you'll experience from being in the same room as him / him being with someone else / him not talking to you etc etc. So what if he's off with another girl? He wasn't right for you, didn't treat you the way you deserve & she'll now have to deal with all those issues that you had with him - lucky her eh??

So make a night of it, invite that friend around beforehand, glam yourself up and go out with the intention of being your outgoing happy self, regardless of how you're feeling. It'll be an exercise in character building if nothing else and will be a big facilitator in helping you to move on.

cookiexx · 03-03-2013 08:15AM

Thought I would update for the hell of it.

Worst nightmare came true tonight. Ex is seeing someone new & was all over her like a rash tonight, kissing & hugging & arms around each other etc.

He was never, ever like that with me. Told me he was "not into PDAs" & it was always so confusing every time we were in the company of friends because he would keep his distance, despite having told everyone he was seeing me.

I'm just hurting so bad right now. He told me three weeks ago he "didnt want a relationship with anyone" and now this. It hurts it hurts it hurts.

I was my outgoing & sociable self & talked to everyone, had a few drinks, even made a new friend. Said a polite hi to him but he avoided me like the plague. Even talked to his new gf, who is utterly sweet & lovely. Made a point of talking to her, maybe to freak him out. Had no idea who I was of course. Incidentally she has the exact same job as me, which is bizarre as I work in an unusual industry. She's just cute & lovely. I can't blame her for anything.

I just feel like **** & am not sure if I should have gone, as exposing myself to this might set me back weeks. It's like a slap in the face. He wasn't into me, didnt want me & all this "not into PDAs", "not looking for a relationship" was just code for just not bothered.

I feel so let down & so disrespected. I would never flaunt a new relationship in someone who I knew had feelings about me's face like that. It's just unbelievable.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice. I think I need to take time out to be single & reclaim my self confidence again. Not really the biggest believer in relationships / love / men right now.

fits · 03-03-2013 08:23AM

Ugh, that's utterly grotty. I am sorry to hear this.

At least it leaves absolutely no doubt in your mind and you can pick up the pieces and move on. We've all been there. Time heals all wounds.

jantheman91 · 03-03-2013 12:50PM

You were with someone you deeply cared about and he ultimately threw it back in your face. You can do what i and many others like me have done; sit at home and mope and pine for something that's long gone. Or you can go out be yourself and enjoy your life to the full. Focus on all the negatives of the relationship and all the things that he did to really annoy you. Eventually you'll start to dislike him as a person and those feelings you had for him will be long gone.

The relationship's over, you're free go out and enjoy your life! You'll easily find someone else. Someone more deserving of you and someone who will ultimately treat you with respect.

I know it's hard but try your best. I wish you good luck

dellas1979 · 03-03-2013 12:53PM

Ah you poor thing. Well, well done for facing it head-on.

No its not easy being rejected by someone you had feelings for and then seeing them with someone else.

Ye just didnt click. Or for him, it wasnt right for him. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you! You are just made for someone else. Someone else who will want all of those things with you. TBH, its noones fault really...thats the mystic of human chemistry. Why you have it with some people, and not with others. I bet youve been with people you didnt feel it with? Doesnt mean there was anything wrong with them, you just werent feeling it.

cookiexx · 03-03-2013 05:19PM

Thanks everyone.

Feel like death today & this is not helping. Defriended him from fb. Hadn't done it up til now coz didnt want to seem petty, but honestly I just can't handle seeing the two of them together at the moment. I'm actually gutted.

It really hurts how forward & affectionate he was with her, it's not the guy I know at all. I know it's a classic case of Just Not that Into Me, but I had stronger feelings for him than anyone else Ive met in the last few years & it's scary to put yourself out there and have your heart torn to absolute shreds like this. I don't do it often at all and that's why this hurts so much. Utter deflation.

It makes me want to retreat into myself & just give up on men, maybe write a few awful love songs

I'll be grand. Just need to take my mind off this & not be anywhere near him for a while.

trio · 03-03-2013 05:22PM

What a total tool.

PDA in front of someone he'd recently dumped? Tooltooltooltooltool!

You were right to go though. The plaster was ripped off horribly, painfully, tortuously - but maye better that than it taking months and months to peel off.

And well done for being civil and pleasant. Well done for not projecting bad feelings onto the new girl who is blameless. I'm sure everyone who knew about the siutation at the party thought well of you for your maturity, and little of him for his immaturity.

Lick your wounds, be nice to yourself. Make sure you go out this week with a girlfriend for drinks, and try to have a laugh.

We all seem to have to go through "Tool Town" at one stage or another, and its always horrendous. Coming out the other side though is always a massive relief in the end. You'll look back on him one day and just roll your eyes at what an utter Fail he was.

IrishEyes19 · 03-03-2013 06:46PM

Going to go out on a limb here and you might not like this.

Ok, you went. Personally I do think it wasnt the best idea. I just didnt think you sounded like you were ready for it.
Im going to sound very unfair, but you cant berate this guy for being cosy with his gf. For one reason, it isnt you. People all have different types of relationships with different people. you need to be good to yourself now and move on for your own sake not his. I know it hurts. There is nothing worse than seeing someone with your ex, its so hard. But now treat this as time to move on. you deserve some happiness and focusing on the hurt wont make it better. trust me I know that.

cookiexx · 03-03-2013 09:24PM

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Going to go out on a limb here and you might not like this.

Im going to sound very unfair, but you cant berate this guy for being cosy with his gf.

In fairness this relationship is about 2 weeks old, he ended it with me almost four weeks ago precisely because he "didn't want" a relationship; I don't think expecting him to tone down the kissing and the holding hands and the whispers and general all-over-each-other-ness was unreasonable.

That and making sure he was always at the opposite side of the room to me, like I've got some kind of disease, just seemed to make a complete mockery of the relationship we were in less than a month ago.

I would never and have never treated an ex like that, especially when I'm aware of their feelings for me. I guess that's the underlying difference between the two of us and that's why it simply never was going to work.

seenitall · 04-03-2013 03:47PM

Hey OP,

I was away for a couple of days, so just saw your update.

Well done, OP! I feel proud of you.

Because I've been through all that before, and let me tell you, you did everything right that evening, for your self-esteem and for your future peace of mind.

In a very short while, you will realise that the way this guy behaved has nothing to do with you; that it's not that you're not good enough to be talked to at a party; that it's just that he is a little boy who has no delicacy or maturity to him to handle the potential awkwardness of a social situation such as was thrown up that evening.

However, as you went about socialising with people as usual, you've shown the world and yourself that you do, that you are a strong, mature, self-assured woman who can handle this type of thing graciously; and wasn't it worth seeing that boyo in action, to glean that knowledge about both him and yourself?

Believe me, it was. The moment you're back to yourself (meaning when he doesn't hold sway over your feelings any longer), you'll see it too, and I wouldn't be surprised if you started wondering at whatever you saw in him in the first place.

This experience will NOT set you back weeks. It will help you move on, stronger.

Again, well done.

Emme · 04-03-2013 04:29PM

cookiexx wrote: »

In fairness this relationship is about 2 weeks old, he ended it with me almost four weeks ago precisely because he "didn't want" a relationship; I don't think expecting him to tone down the kissing and the holding hands and the whispers and general all-over-each-other-ness was unreasonable.

That and making sure he was always at the opposite side of the room to me, like I've got some kind of disease, just seemed to make a complete mockery of the relationship we were in less than a month ago.

I would never and have never treated an ex like that, especially when I'm aware of their feelings for me. I guess that's the underlying difference between the two of us and that's why it simply never was going to work.

OP, are you sure he wasn't seeing her while he was seeing you? I know this is horrible, but it's possible that he ended it with you to continue with her. Or maybe he was seeing her before, she broke it off and he went out with you to make her jealous. Whatever the situation it's hard for you and he sounds like a tool. You're well rid.

Could you go away for a weekend or a holiday somewhere? That would give you something to focus on and take your mind off things.

cookiexx · 04-03-2013 06:18PM

seenitall wrote: »

In a very short while, you will realise that the way this guy behaved has nothing to do with you; that it's not that you're not good enough to be talked to at a party; that it's just that he is a little boy who has no delicacy or maturity to him to handle the potential awkwardness of a social situation such as was thrown up that evening.

Yeah sort of realising this already. Think I knew it all along on some level.

Was talking to a friend of mine who knows him from nights out, she said he always seemed a little socially awkward, nervous, a bit lacking in maturity. She thinks he prob didn't mean to be as much of an as5hole as he came across, but just didn't know how to handle the situation and ended up acting like one as a result.

Maybe she's right, but it's cold comfort to be honest. All I know is he broke up with me, (over facebook, when confronted about his bad behaviour towards me), and the next time I saw him he was all over some girl he's been seeing for about 2 weeks. She mentioned this casually on Sat night when I was talking to her - had no idea who I was, I asked her how she knew everyone and she said she'd "just started dating X".

The ironic thing in all of this is I'm trying to figure exactly what it was that drew me to him (I seem like a head case even to myself at this stage), and I think it was the fact that he seemed like a nice guy, great fun but a bit shy, a bit awkward, and we'd have these great conversations where he'd tell me how bad he was with women, couldn't be in the same room as someone he fancied, and I'd laugh and think, "that's adorable".

On that basis I was forward with him because I thought if I wasn't, he'd never have the balls to ask me out. I genuinely thought that he liked me. He seemed to. But his indecisiveness / hot and coldishness persisted throughout the entire relationship, and that's why it's so hard to see him so hands on and all over this new girl. He was so reluctantly affectionate with me.

I actually think the confidence boost of me being totally into him was exactly what he needed to approach someone he actually did like. Which doesn't hurt at all :rolleyes:

I know I behaved with dignity and integrity on Satrday night but I'm a crumbling mess inside right now. It's the first thing I thought about this morning when I woke up & again it was like being kneed in the stomach. I know it's not me, I know he's fundamentally lacking in character & I'm too decent a person to let someone like that into my life, but he's still dominating my thoughts. I can't stop thinking, "why didn't he like me? Why did he choose her instaed of me?"

seenitall · 04-03-2013 09:29PM

cookiexx wrote: »

I know it's not me, I know he's fundamentally lacking in character & I'm too decent a person to let someone like that into my life, but he's still dominating my thoughts. I can't stop thinking, "why didn't he like me? Why did he choose her instaed of me?"

I know. Knowing something and feeling it are sometimes two quite different things, and that's the problem you're having at the moment.

These questions you mention are just your issues of self-esteem rearing up, they'll go away once you've processed the situation.

You'll be absolutely fine, just ride* it out for a bit, and I'll bet that in a few weeks'/months' time some other fellow will come along to occupy your thoughts. They have a habit of doing that!

Best wishes!

Edit: * Er, I didn't mean that literally!

(although you know what they say, whatever works...)

Ex relations. How to handle the situation & my emotions

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