Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

I hate myself. Not a little, a lot.

I am stuck in my own head, so caught up. Such urges to cut, thoughts of more. If I could have got my hands on a lot of meds today I would have gone for it. I keep all my meds in work so I can't access them.

But I work tomorrow. It brings such temptation.

My main issue is actually motivating myself to go to the gp to get whatever referral I need. Ages ago I intended on going to counselling but I'm extremely unwilling to divulge my issues to anyone in person. I'm in my final year of college and I've gone out a handful of times, but social interactions with people terrify me. I have a highly unsuccessful past in relationships and any sense of confidence or self-esteem has effectively disappeared. I don't even have any proper friends anymore, I have people I know but that's about it.

I'm supposed to write a dissertation during the next two months and I'm not even sure if there's enough material for the topic i'm writing on, but i'm too numb to even care about if i'm negatively affecting my post-graduate options. I can't focus on anything including my education. I worry about everything else in my life except for the thing that decides much of my future. I'll probably begin to care once it gets closer.

I'm in a constant state of tiredness. Up until recently, I was sleeping excessively but the sleep was broken. Now i'm having a broken sleep and waking after a few hours and just mulling over all my issues, I don't want to get up. I feel like i've become self-involved and have grown to hate myself over the past few years.

There's a sort of funny part to this, I've been putting on a facade of being happy around people so very few people would assume that i'm an unhappy person. In fact, I've had people tell me that i'm extremely calm and confident, this is possibly because they've seen me in very few situations where i'd put myself out there, if any. My family were somewhat aware of me being depressed but I think they assume that i'm fine now.

Admittedly, I have the odd week where I feel fine and motivated to achieve a goal but generally that doesn't occur as I just slip back into this.

I'm not even sure if I should post this as I don't really know if people or if someone will think I'm making a big deal about nothing. It's somewhat of a vague fraction of my issues, but i've been things fairly difficult as of recent so I needed to vent. Thanks for reading.....

RobbingBandit wrote: »

I had a massive meltdown on Thursday evening after a stupid argument at home, I locked myself in my room and took 20 solpadeine max tablets each containing 500mg of paracetamol, I have a meeting coming up this week with my to date unhelpful psychologist, I spent several hours in hospital on Friday on a drip being checked on to see if there was any damage, I left after 7pm as they wanted to keep me in over night and I said no, since then I have been up and down feelings wise, I am scared I will do it again as I still have a large stock pile of pills in my reach at the moment, I just don't want to go on with all this ****.

Is there anyone who you trust that you could ask to keep an eye on you and take away the pills/anything else? My friends used to take any of mine away and hide the knives in the kitchen also could you ask about changing to a different psychiatrist? There is usually more than 1 dealing with each area. If you don't want to make it awkward in case it can't be done you could say that the days they see people on doesn't suit anymore or something.

Hersheys wrote: »

I hate myself. Not a little, a lot.

I am stuck in my own head, so caught up. Such urges to cut, thoughts of more. If I could have got my hands on a lot of meds today I would have gone for it. I keep all my meds in work so I can't access them.

But I work tomorrow. It brings such temptation.

Hope things get better for you. Maybe put a note or something where you keep your tablets saying "Things will get better". I used to try use that as a mantra back when things were really bad. Even if you don't believe it, it can help a bit.

Cliona99 wrote: »

Having read back a few pages I feel a bit stupid and out of place here. I've thought about suicide many times lately but one feeling always stops me; I feel like the burden my family/friends have to bear with putting up with me, worrying about me, supporting me, etc. is slightly less than the burden of having a dead sister/friend for the rest of their lives. I've had friends try to kill themselves and the guilt and shame you feel for not helping or being there for them enough is awful. No matter how much they tell you 'there's nothing anyone could have done.' I think no matter how careful and detailed the letter I'd compose absolving them of all blame and expressing how grateful I am to them for putting up with me over the past ten years, it wouldn't stop them blaming themselves and feeling soul-destroying guilt. So that's why I don't do it. I'm slightly less of a burden alive than dead. The minute that seesaw tips in the other direction...hopefully it won't happen.

My point was supposed to be, I'm not as depressed as some people on here. I feel like I'm being melodramatic having read what some of you are dealing with. My heart sincerely goes out to you. Please keep trying and holding on. People love you and care about you and would be devastated to lose you. Best of luck to everyone here. And if anyone needs a laugh, I'd recommend the website damnyouautocorrect.com. At least I think it's .com. Guaranteed giggles.

(I'll come back for my original ramble another day!)

Seriously, I imagine most people here will have felt like that at some stage. I used to feel guilty and stupid because I didn't cut (even though I self-harmed in other ways) because I thought that proved that I wasn't really sick. Anyways, this thread is here to support anyone who feels depressed, even if it's only a short-term thing or you think it's not as bad as everyone else's. I'm in a pretty decent place at the minute (not actively suicidal 90% of the time and motivation, mood and stuff is generally okay), but I still like to post here once in a while anyway. Hope things feel a bit better for you soon

06:40 and in bed awake and just crying, so stupid. Forgot to do something, for my wife last night (don't know how), to make it easier to get away to work and put her under pressure. Been just gazing at the wall for the past 45 minutes. I'm pretty much useless, of late.

Can't see myself getting out of the bed today.

I've felt a down period coming for a few days now. Knew that I would **** something up, as usual, to trigger it.

College has been cancelled two days in a row now, thank god. I keep sleeping right through my alarm, takes a good two hours to get out to rathmines.

I saw robbingbandit on sunday, little aside

neemish wrote: »

Very little sleep last night - about two hours. Supposed to be working until about 10pm tonight but don't know how I'm going to last that long. And then, because it's so late, I won't be able to take anything to help me sleep tonight so will start all over again. FML

Hugs

Had about 7 hours uninterrupted sleep. I know I dreamt, I woke up afraid & in a panic. But it didn't help my thoughts, the sleep like.

I've no idea what to do.

Getting college exam results results tomorrow and I'm pretty much positive I've failed one of them. I don't know how I feel about it yet.

I'm in a state tonight. So panicked. Can't get rid of the bad thoughts.