Nervously going to ask you guys for some advice on my first bit of creative writing

dr gonzo · 18-12-2012 02:50AM #1

Hey all, I got some very good advice from EileenG and am taking that on board completely, but I must admit, I am very curious to see if my writing is any way decent.

I'm in my mid 20's now and have wanted to sit down and write something original since I was a kid, and now I have. It is extremely small, and somewhat messy as it was written in one sitting but I would like to just post the small prologue I've done to see what people think.

Im not 100% where the story is going yet, theres a hell of a lot of work to be done in that regard, I'm really just curious whether people think theres something there...?

Anyway, tentatively, here it is...

The station was by now many decades old, its architecture a testament to the decadence of the time and the people, who more then ever, desired a swift exit from city life. Although showing a degradation that comes with age, its roof windows now opaque with the smog of countless waiting locomotives, the building still maintained the majesty and adventure that comes with leaving your life behind, if only for a day, and moving beyond the intimate boundary that comprises your entire world. This feeling, however, was entirely unknown to the man. He sat patiently on a nearby bench, having performed the rite many times, and had now grown accustomed to the process. Although he was every bit the human being of modest means that all others in the station were, he was also something slightly different. His appearance betrayed no hint of excitement, which may be seen in a traveler, and no sense of urgency that may be seen in a businessman, he was, in all ways, a picture of endless calm and composure. He dressed exceedingly well, perhaps beyond what he could be expected to afford; his hair was carefully slicked back with cream, although in this instance covered with a fedora hat; and he was in possession of nothing more then a small valise. Calm though he unarguably was, he was not disinterested in his surroundings. Despite being a keen reader, the man preferred to watch his fellow commuters when he traveled by train. He was a keen student of human culture, and the train station provided him much food for thought. He listened to the cadence of clicking and clapping as well heeled ladies and gentlemen made haste for standing trains. He watched as poorer families urged their entourage along, simultaneously in awe of the billowing engine while preventing the younger children from entering first class and apologizing to conductors who just had the trouser leg pulled. The man appreciated it all. He enjoyed the drama, the innocent excitement, the shouting and squealing, the running and clapping, the doors slamming and conductors yelling; although a stranger to them himself he loved the pandemonium of human emotion that was endemic to such places. He loved… the life. The man’s intelligent eyes grew dark. He had long ago come to understand his fondness for the train station. The bustle of busy people, in varying states of emotion represented a stark contrast to what he must face when stepping off the train at his destination. The station was a liminal zone between the life he wished for, that of normality, and the reality he must face when he walked to his train. The station was life; his work, as it always does, would being him face to face with death. The lonely soliloquy of a steam whistle broke the man’s brooding thoughts, and he realized the station was now largely empty. With the same care that the man took in all his actions, he stood tall and smoothed the imperceptible wrinkles of his suit, collected his valise, and walked briskly, and confidently, towards his own waiting train.

I understand completely that theres a messiness to it, awkward sentences and the like, but I guess i'm just wondering if you guys like whats there so far?

Cheers everyone. I promise to post no more until I hopefully finish the thing!

EDIT: Incidentally, I can say without any hesitation, that that was the toughest post I ever pressed the submit button on!

Agent Weebley · 18-12-2012 04:06AM

Don't be shy. I liked it, but you covered a lot of ground with no paragraph breaks.

Rather than explaining things from a 3rd person narrative view, try to re-write it like you are the man with the cream in his hair. Hopefully it is hydrogenated cream, otherwise, no-one would want to be around him. Maybe have him switch to Brylcreem?

A good way to break it up is to pick a thought, like the kids playing, and make a kid come up to him, saying: "hey Mister, why does your hair stink?" Constant narrative is hard for you to write, right?

Remember that your writing is a mirror of you. Whatever you are "into" is what you write:

. . . moving beyond the intimate boundary that comprises your entire world.

. . . a case in point.

I would advise you to turn on the internet and use it to help you in your writing (spelling and fact checking, as well as topic research.) I used the internet to write this reply, and to look up the correct spelling of Brylcream, which I had initially spelt wrong. I do agree with EileenG about the TV, though. TV puts your mind into Alpha (sleep) mode for effective propaganda programming from Enda Kenny types.

I began writing by commenting on an economics blog from April 2010 to Oct 13, 2010, improving my writing flow immensely (quit laughing you guys.) Then I became half English, half Irish, half Canadian, and half MetaPhorian - from MetaPhoria (long story - some other time . . .) You could comment here and learn to get what you want to say across to other people without beating around the bush, causing run on sentences, and basically sounding like you are saying the same thing over and over, which, unfortunately, is similar to beating around the bush; you say the same thing multiple times, which gives you a pretty good picture of how someone would be sighing and saying oh god to themselves as they read your stuff.

Another thing to get straight right at the start is to decide if you want the 1st person to be the narrator, or a 3rd person. I don't like the 3rd person so much, as it looks like the guy is being followed by an all-knowing thought bubble. English majors call it "3rd person omniscient narration." I tried my hand at creative writing here, and did the 3rd person thing, to prove to myself I could do it. Plus, it was a porno, which I also have trouble with, so I clouded it in humour, but no-one got it.

Anyway, I always laugh when people do the waddayathink threads. Just write it and post it, I say. If it gets few views, then it is safe to say it was not pulling.

Toasterspark · 18-12-2012 12:10PM

You have a very interesting way of writing, it reminds me of those old classics where the language is a little formal and posh-sounding. Or maybe that was the tone you wanted? It seems like it's set in a time long ago, and you made me think that without expressly mentioning it, which is cool.

I was interested in the piece, but there is some work to be done to make it better. As Agent Weebley said, dividing it into paragraphs would make it much easier on the eye.

I felt like there were a lot of commas in sentences too, which interrupted the flow of reading. Perhaps you could see if some of them could be removed, or a sentence reworded to make it flow better? Don't be afraid of shorter sentences. Sometimes a sentence can stretch too far and a reader can lose their place.

The use of the word 'now' in some sentences was a little... redundant?

For example:
The station was by now many decades old, its architecture a testament to the decadence...
would sound better as
The station was many decades old, its architecture a testament to the decadence...

and

...its roof windows now opaque with the smog of countless...
would sound better as
...its roof windows opaque with the smog of countless...

Sometimes less is more. You have some lovely description but be careful you don't overdo it.

Overall, a great first foray back into writing. You built a scene in my head of the train station and what was happening very easily, which is a great achievement. I'm intrigued by the man and what he's doing, where he's going. Keep it up!

echo beach · 18-12-2012 08:56PM

dr gonzo wrote: »

EDIT: Incidentally, I can say without any hesitation, that that was the toughest post I ever pressed the submit button on!

You have a lot of posts but in the others you were giving information or opinions. This is different because you have exposed yourself and taken the risk that some random person on the internet will come on and rubbish your work, something that is now a little part of you. Don't worry, I'm not that person.

You know yourself that it requires more work and I would agree that paragraph breaks and possibly shorter sentences would help but it held my attention, although nothing really happened and in a world devoted to action that is an achievement.
There is definite potential so keep at it.

indough · 18-12-2012 10:23PM

I like it! reads a little like lovecraft, long sentences with lots of words you wouldn't see used all that much. It's an almost hypnotic style of writing.

dr gonzo · 19-12-2012 03:50AM

Toasterspark wrote: »

You have a very interesting way of writing, it reminds me of those old classics where the language is a little formal and posh-sounding. Or maybe that was the tone you wanted?

Yes thats it exactly! Although its not clear at this point, I do have a 40's-ish period in mind for the story, so I'm really glad that kinda came across.

Thanks so much everyone, your comments are very much appreciated. Paragraphs were actually something I meant to put in beforehand but forgot in the copy-paste process!

Also hair cream... silly mistake, I actually even had brylcreem to begin with and took it out.

Overly wordy sentences are also a problem that gets brought up to me when somewhat regularly when I'm writing academically so I think I should be on the lookout for it here too. I suppose words can be just as unecessary in a story as they can be in an academic paper, so Ill have to fix that!

I cant tell you how glad I am that people at least somewhat enjoyed it anyway. I aim to work on it a good bit, really edit out all the crap!

Cheers everyone!

echo beach · 19-12-2012 05:02PM

dr gonzo wrote: »

Overly wordy sentences are also a problem that gets brought up to me when somewhat regularly when I'm writing academically so I think I should be on the lookout for it here too. I suppose words can be just as unecessary in a story as they can be in an academic paper, so Ill have to fix that!

My English teacher taught me the cure for long sentences. Full stop, capital letter.

Nervously going to ask you guys for some advice on my first bit of creative writing

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