RAPE

Dear Employees,


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers
of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons
who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).


Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.


Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ****
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.


Sincerely,

The Management


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.