Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

Merch · 26-09-2012 01:09PM

Fizzlesque wrote: »

I've never had any interest in getting married, but in the unlikely event I one day do end up in marrying mode, under no circumstances would I want or allow my husband-to-be to ask my father's permission.

Besides, my father's response would probably be (if this imaginary husband-to-be did ask him) "what are you asking me for, surely it's Fizzlesque's decision, not mine".

Nor would I want a church wedding, an engagement/wedding ring, white dress, father 'giving me away', to change my surname or to be the centre of attention for the day or any of the many other things we grow up being told 'little girls dream of', so it's probably just as well I've never wanted to get married - somebody somewhere is bound to be disappointed by my lack of interest in these things. My sister told me years ago she'd be disappointed if I eloped and denied her a big party but my dad's attitude is much more relaxed - he'd probably be stunned if he was asked for permission to marry me.

Common sense at last, id like to say it prevails but??
people really need to get over the disney fairytale horse manure, not sure how your sister and you turned out different if your dad is so, but I guess it happens that way.

Im not saying people shouldnt get married, or do what makes them happy, but they should apply common sense to what is traditional and not just do things because it is a tradition, otherwise we'd still be banging rocks together.

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 01:12PM

cloptrop wrote: »

Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

I can't repeat this often enough :
If my now husband had even thought of asking my father, he would not be my husband now.
My advise would be to check with your wife to be if that's what she wants, because you can land yourself in quite some trouble if she doesn't. Don't patronise womenkind by claiming they all will like it "once it's done".

Hannibal Smith · 26-09-2012 01:12PM

My husband asked my dad...my dad's response was...what are you asking me for

but he told my mum afterwards that he was delighted. He said he thought all that had been done away with, but it was lovely.

My husbands own mother was chuffed to bits, said she didn't know she'd raised such a well mannered boy.:D

Was I offended? Not in the slightest. I thought it was a lovely thing to do. In my mind It's nothing about being some ones property, its about joining another family and doing so on the best of terms. I think my dad really respected him for having the guts and the manners to do it.

Hannibal Smith · 26-09-2012 01:15PM

Shenshen wrote: »

cloptrop wrote: »

Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

I can't repeat this often enough :
If my now husband had even thought of asking my father, he would not be my husband now.
My advise would be to check with your wife to be if that's what she wants, because you can land yourself in quite some trouble if she doesn't. Don't patronise womenkind by claiming they all will like it "once it's done".

Yes! This is very true. If you know your wife to be will be offended by it, definitely don't do it! That screams 'i'll decide what's best for you'

swimming in a sea · 26-09-2012 01:20PM

I asked the fathers permission and he gave me a big thumbs up, then i asked my girlfriend and she said no!:eek:

augustus gloop · 26-09-2012 01:20PM

UCDVet wrote: »

What's the world coming to when a man isn't a man!

Personally, I think it's far less manly to ask some other man permission on the single most important decision of your life; but that's just me.

For everyone in the 'You should ask' camp - what would you do if the parents/father says 'No'?

If you ignore them and still pursue their daughter - it pretty much removes the 'respect' issue completely. It's not 'respect' if you are just pretending to care.

thats the thing, your not asking for permission, your asking for their blessing, so if they say no, its not ideal but ultimately you will ask anyway. I asked my fiances father over the phone as he is from Australia and thankfully he was happy about it, he has since said to my OH he would have been very disappointed in me if I didnt ask him, manners and all that.

whirlpool · 26-09-2012 01:23PM

Personally I would see it as just a nice thing to do, just a nice gesture to the inlaws.

I certainly wouldn't see the inlaws' response as a decider for whether the proposal should go ahead or not.

I don't see it as something that's necessary, but just a nice touch, one that would be appreciated. A little gesture can go a long way.

augustus gloop · 26-09-2012 01:27PM

and gimme a break with all this "patronising to women" crap. anyone who would seriously change their answer to NO upon hearing the boyfriend asked the father.....
its all meant to be a happy time, enjoy the fact that someone has proven their love to you by asking you to marrying them.
ye dont have to go out and burn the bras :rolleyes::rolleyes:

aidan24326 · 26-09-2012 01:32PM

whirlpool wrote: »

Personally I would see it as just a nice thing to do, just a nice gesture to the inlaws.

I certainly wouldn't see the inlaws' response as a decider for whether the proposal should go ahead or not.
I don't see it as something that's necessary, but just a nice touch, one that would be appreciated. A little gesture can go a long way.

So, once again, why ask then? You're asking a loaded question that can only have one right answer.

Being friendly with your in-laws is not a prerequisite for marriage. It helps for sure but it's not essential. You're marrying a person, not a family.

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 01:34PM

augustus gloop wrote: »

and gimme a break with all this "patronising to women" crap. anyone who would seriously change their answer to NO upon hearing the boyfriend asked the father.....
its all meant to be a happy time, enjoy the fact that someone has proven their love to you by asking you to marrying them.
ye dont have to go out and burn the bras :rolleyes::rolleyes:

Put it this way : I wouldn't want to be together with the type of man who, among other things, would ask my father before proposing. So if the person I'm with does do that, I would have to re-examine what kind of a person he is, and if I want to be with someone like him.
I don't know about you, but I don't want anyone "proving their love". I asked my husband because I love him and could see us being together for the rest of our lives, not because I wanted to prove anything.
I hadn't even met his parents, nor he mine, when we decided to get married.

augustus gloop · 26-09-2012 01:43PM

with all due respect, it sounds amazingly hypersensitive, i cannot see why you think that, I m missing a point here im afraid.
the proposal and the actual act of marrying someone, is exactly proving your love. Marrying someone, basically is an act to show everyone that you are both committed to each other, for better or for worse, richer and poorer... you prove your love in saying your vows.

say_who_now? · 26-09-2012 01:45PM

Gauss wrote: »

Is it the norm these days for women to rim their OH?

That's sexist! :pac:

jasonb · 26-09-2012 01:46PM

When I was going to propose to my now wife, I decided to ask her parents. However, I didn't ask for their permission, more for their blessing. It might be a fine point, but it made a difference in my mind. It still meant that I was letting them know my intentions, but not saying that they had that 'ownership' over their daughter. I already knew that my now wife would appreciate me asking.

As it happens, her mother wasn't there when I visited, so it was just her Dad. It was a little awkward for both of us, if I recall correctly his answer was 'ah yeah', but I do know that it meant a lot to him, and to his daughter!

But I really do think it comes down to each couple, and how they feel about it. I definitely wouldn't have done it if my wife didn't want me to. And like I said, I knew it my mind I wasn't asking for 'permission', and used the word 'blessing' when I asked...

J.

Fizzlesque · 26-09-2012 02:06PM

Merch wrote: »

...people really need to get over the disney fairytale horse manure, not sure how your sister and you turned out different if your dad is so, but I guess it happens that way.QUOTE]

Ah, to be fair to my sister, it was more to do with missing out on a big party than anything to do with expectations/traditions. She's not really all that different to me - we both like a good party.

vicwatson · 26-09-2012 02:07PM

No, because he's an ignoramus.

Neewbie_noob · 26-09-2012 02:08PM

Rabies wrote: »

Really?
If her father said no what would you have done? Walked away and ended the relationship?

It's not about that. The question is rhetorical, it's most likely going to be yes. It's traditional and only a mark of respect to ask. You're not really asking anyway, just telling him in a polite way.

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 02:13PM

augustus gloop wrote: »

with all due respect, it sounds amazingly hypersensitive, i cannot see why you think that, I m missing a point here im afraid.
the proposal and the actual act of marrying someone, is exactly proving your love. Marrying someone, basically is an act to show everyone that you are both committed to each other, for better or for worse, richer and poorer... you prove your love in saying your vows.

I don't think it's in any way sensitive, just observant.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who is, for example, a racist. So even if I really like someone, maybe even love someone, and one day out of the blue a snide racist remark lands on the table, I would take a mental step back and re-examine the person in question, as I may have overlooked an aspect of their personality I don't want to live with.
The same if someone went to my parents asking them if they can marry me, or for their "blessing" (whatever that may be). I would wonder where that thought came from, and what else there might be I hadn't noticed yet but might have problems with in the future.

I'm not saying I would dump that person on the spot, but I certainly wouldn't agree to marry them there and then, because they did something as demeaning as that. I might agree later, but I would make sure that I get a fuller and better picture of them before I agreed to anything. I can't think of many explanations I would be happy with once someone had actually asked my parents if they could marry me.

And, no, you don't "prove your love in saying your vows". Lots of people say them without loving the person they're getting married to.
You make a promise when you're saying your vows. Love is not enough to build a marriage on, no matter what Hollywood tells you.

Mr Benevolent · 26-09-2012 02:28PM

Shenshen wrote: »

The same if someone went to my parents asking them if they can marry me, or for their "blessing" (whatever that may be). I would wonder where that thought came from, and what else there might be I hadn't noticed yet but might have problems with in the future.

What specifically do you mean by this?

Love is not enough to build a marriage on, no matter what Hollywood tells you.

Ah, you need the money too. Gotcha.

augustus gloop · 26-09-2012 02:28PM

lol you cant seriously compare asking someones father to being a racist!:rolleyes::rolleyes:
and i would like to believe the vast majority of people get married are at the time in love with the other person and are committing to the marriage for their whole lives, there are not too many people who get married thinking that it wont last as long as their alive

ejmaztec · 26-09-2012 02:32PM

SafeSurfer wrote: »

Asking the father's permission for his daughter's hand in marriage is a class thing. Middle class wannabes, usually from south county Dublin, think it is classy and gentlemanly and oozes old world charm. Another nouveau riche revival of a practice that should be consigned to the historical dustbin.

So it was a "no" then?:(

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 02:34PM

Confab wrote: »

What specifically do you mean by this?

Well, what gave them the idea? What kind of thought process, and based on what convictions/notions?

Ah, you need the money too. Gotcha.

That helps, but mostly you need someone you get on with. Loving someone doesn't automatically mean you can live with them.

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 02:37PM

augustus gloop wrote: »

lol you cant seriously compare asking someones father to being a racist!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Why not? One thinks that the race needs to be preserved as it is, the other thinks traditions need to be preserved as they are. Both ignore how life and society have moved on, both tend to go a bit starry-eyed about the good old days, with "traditional values".
I've no time for either of them.

and i would like to believe the vast majority of people get married are at the time in love with the other person and are committing to the marriage for their whole lives, there are not too many people who get married thinking that it wont last as long as their alive

Go on believing that, so.

ejmaztec · 26-09-2012 02:38PM

I asked for permission and all I got was a bollocking from the miserable old git because he didn't take too kindly to being the last one to know.

yore · 26-09-2012 02:38PM

CruelCoin wrote: »

No.

I intend to ask for her fathers blessing, not his permission.

Manners dictate i at least ask for a blessing, but i'll marry her whether he gives it or not.

Even if she subsequently says "no" ? ......

Hannibal Smith · 26-09-2012 02:51PM

Shenshen wrote: »

augustus gloop wrote: »

lol you cant seriously compare asking someones father to being a racist!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Why not? One thinks that the race needs to be preserved as it is, the other thinks traditions need to be preserved as they are. Both ignore how life and society have moved on, both tend to go a bit starry-eyed about the good old days, with "traditional values".
I've no time for either of them.

and i would like to believe the vast majority of people get married are at the time in love with the other person and are committing to the marriage for their whole lives, there are not too many people who get married thinking that it wont last as long as their alive

Go on believing that, so.

Racism and asking permission are two completely different things and I don't think its in order to be so flippant about racism. Racism is wrong and inexcusable in every form. It's very purpose is to degrade, offend and insult. It is nothing to do with overlooking current traditions and values.

Asking a father or mother for their blessing to marry their daughter is meant to promote good relations, show respect to the bride to be and to her family and is done with the very best of goodwill and intentions. It's not ignoring how life has moved on because got a lot of people those values and traditions are still important. If the bride to be isn't into it, don't do it, but it is not in anyway shape or form akin to racism.

whirlpool · 26-09-2012 03:15PM

aidan24326 wrote: »

So, once again, why ask then? You're asking a loaded question that can only have one right answer.

Being friendly with your in-laws is not a prerequisite for marriage. It helps for sure but it's not essential. You're marrying a person, not a family.

I answered your question in my post, and you also answered it in your own post. (see bolded text.)

HeyThereDeliah · 26-09-2012 03:59PM

[. QUOTE]=bluewolf;80952990]Yeah, how dare anyone have an individual preference or opinion. :mad:

[/ QUOTE]

Sorry you have lost me I have no idea what you are on about or what has you mad.

UCDVet · 26-09-2012 04:22PM

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Racism and asking permission are two completely different things and I don't think its in order to be so flippant about racism. Racism is wrong and inexcusable in every form. It's very purpose is to degrade, offend and insult. It is nothing to do with overlooking current traditions and values.

Asking a father or mother for their blessing to marry their daughter is meant to promote good relations, show respect to the bride to be and to her family and is done with the very best of goodwill and intentions. It's not ignoring how life has moved on because got a lot of people those values and traditions are still important. If the bride to be isn't into it, don't do it, but it is not in anyway shape or form akin to racism.

All racism isn't wrong.

SEPT 23 1989 · 26-09-2012 04:39PM

I could not ask them because they had died before i arrived on the scene

bluecode · 26-09-2012 04:43PM

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

I could not ask them because they had died before i arrived on the scene

Same here but her Mother was alive when I first started dating my future wife and she approved of me apparently. So I've little doubt permission would never have been needed.

Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

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