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Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

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Comments

  • #92
    Ava Uptight Ape
    Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Ava Uptight Ape


    CruelCoin wrote: »
    Manners dictate i at least ask for a blessing

    no they don't


  • #93
    cloptrop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,923 ✭✭✭cloptrop


    Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »
    cloptrop wrote: »
    As in lions den its a metaphor

    I understand what it means, just find it odd that you would describe your father in laws house a den.
    Jungle Book fan?
    Hes a scary man but I held my nerve he was delighted with the sentiment.


  • #94
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 5,464 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    cloptrop wrote: »
    Hes a scary man but I held my nerve he was delighted with the sentiment.

    I was going to ask was he John Gilligan or something.:D


  • #95
    milltown
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,624 ✭✭✭milltown


    Yeah, I did. As somebody said on page 1, it's good manners.
    It's not like he knew before my (now) wife did though. We had discussed getting married at length before. Yes it's old fashioned but I think it means something that you respect her family enough to ask for their blessing/permission and that you want them to be on board with the whole thing. As for the "what if he said no" brigade; if he's saying no for no good reason other than he doesn't like you then you're marrying into a world of issues. Either with constant tension when the in laws are around, or a heap of trouble with your wife when she resents you for being the wedge between her and her family.

    YMMV


  • #96
    Mr Benevolent
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,433 ✭✭✭✭Mr Benevolent


    I intend to have at least one kid with my girlfriend before getting married, so asking her dad would be closing the gate after the horse had bolted. No point really.


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  • #97
    aidan24326
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,925 ✭✭✭aidan24326


    I can't believe that in the year 2012 there's people who still buy into this nonsense. It's a stupid outdated practise that is an insult to your wife-to-be. Marriage is between TWO people, not three. The dad merely needs to be informed, not asked. If I was a dad and my daughter's fiance asked my permission I'd think he was a fcuking idiot to be honest.


  • #98
    milltown
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,624 ✭✭✭milltown


    cloptrop wrote: »
    Hes a scary man but I held my nerve he was delighted with the sentiment.

    My FIL wasn't scary at all but he was genuinely chuffed that I would ask. We got on like a house on fire for the rest of his life.


  • #99
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 45,738 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Outdated tradition.

    Probably goes back to when the father of the bride paid for the wedding or something.
    As with most wedding traditions, I didn't even consider it.


  • #100
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 5,464 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    rarnes1 wrote: »
    Outdated tradition.

    Probably goes back to when the father of the bride paid for the wedding or something.
    As with most wedding traditions, I didn't even consider it.

    Good point.
    If i thought he would've paid for it, i would've asked him sure.
    But seeing as i paid, **** him.:pac:


  • #101
    Madam_X
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,327 ✭✭✭Madam_X


    Why not ask her mother? Does the woman ask the man's family if she's proposing?

    I get that it's well intentioned, and it's kinda sweet - but it's ludicrous. It's personal and private to the couple.


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  • #102
    seamus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 68,173 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    rarnes1 wrote: »
    Outdated tradition.

    Probably goes back to when the father of the bride paid for the wedding or something.
    As with most wedding traditions, I didn't even consider it.
    It goes back to the time when a marriage was practically a contract between the father and the groom. The bride's feelings on the matter were irrelevant as the purpose of marriage was the expansion of wealth and power. The father would gain an ally in his son-in-law as well as grandchild who may possibly belong to a strong or influential family. The groom would gain a dowry, a maid, a prostitute and also whatever power and influence his wife's family had.

    The peasants likely engaged in this practice more because it was fashionable to imitate the upper classes, while the marriage would be based on attraction and love rather than acquistion of wealth.


  • #103
    syklops
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭syklops


    I asked, because I thought I didnt know whether he expected it or not, and I thought starting off, I dont want him being pissed off about anything. That said, had he said no, he would have gotten a tough sh1t as a response.


  • #104
    rgmmg
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 542 ✭✭✭rgmmg


    I did it and the father was delighted (not sure his daughter was ;)). My brother didn't ask and it still annoys his father in law to this day.


  • #105
    g'em
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,819 ✭✭✭✭g'em


    My partner and I decided to get married, we told our parents together as a couple and all parents individually as there are separations involved. He let them know when he was going to propose before I knew about it (we did things a bit backwards, decision to marry came before the proposal). I don't think either of my parents would have been very comfortable with being asked permission or for a blessing, they know I'm my own woman (as my partner is his own man and can decide for himself what he wants from life). Besides which my Mum was my primary caregiver growing up, it would have felt like quite the smack to have 'asked' my father anything and not have her involvement . They did get a kick out of knowing when the surprise was happening before I did though.


  • #106
    Madam_X
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,327 ✭✭✭Madam_X


    People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

    The respect towards his little girl thing is hilarious too - spunked all over her, deep-throated her, done her up the arse, threesome with her hot mate, got several rimmings off her (not saying theres anything wrong at all at all with these things in a mutually consenting context btw) but marry her?!! Oh I'd need her father's permission! :eek: :pac:


  • #107
    cloptrop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,923 ✭✭✭cloptrop


    Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
    I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
    Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
    And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.


  • #108
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Madam_X wrote: »
    People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

    true, not all woman have engagement rings, I don't. I was given a lovely watch by my husband on the wedding day but I made him bring it back, it was a nice gesture but we needed the money for more important things.

    I'm quite surprised to see just how many men did ask the FIL first. It honestly would never have even entered my head. We got engaged and planned our wedding and then told everyone, we didn't really involve our family in the plans at all.

    I hope they don't think badly of us because of it. I would be quite shocked if they did.


  • #109
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 5,464 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Madam_X wrote: »
    People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

    It makes it all that more satisfying when you buy a stone for a woman like yourself (doesn't expect it or demand it).;)


  • #110
    Madam_X
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,327 ✭✭✭Madam_X


    Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »
    It makes it all that more satisfying when you buy a stone for a woman like yourself (doesn't expect it or demand it).;)
    De Beers plz :pac:


  • #111
    Armin_Tamzarian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,833 ✭✭✭✭Armin_Tamzarian


    Madam_X wrote: »
    People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

    The respect towards his little girl thing is hilarious too - spunked all over her, deep-throated her, done her up the arse, threesome with her hot mate, got several rimmings off her (not saying theres anything wrong at all at all with these things in a mutually consenting context btw) but marry her?!! Oh I'd need her father's permission! :eek: :pac:

    I for one always seek the permission of the father before doing a girl up the arse.
    It's only common decency.


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  • #112
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 5,464 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Armin_Tamzarian wrote: »
    I for one always seek the permission of the father before doing a girl up the arse.
    It's only common decency.

    Is it?
    Just the Arse?


  • #113
    Gauss
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 550 ✭✭✭Gauss


    Madam_X wrote: »
    People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

    The respect towards his little girl thing is hilarious too - spunked all over her, deep-throated her, done her up the arse, threesome with her hot mate, got several rimmings off her (not saying theres anything wrong at all at all with these things in a mutually consenting context btw) but marry her?!! Oh I'd need her father's permission! :eek: :pac:

    Is it the norm these days for women to rim their OH?


  • #114
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Rabies wrote: »
    Defeats the purpose of asking then :confused:

    no. we hd discussed it with her parents long beforehand and i was assured that if i went along the trditional route i wouldnt be dissapointed. it wa just following trdition really


  • #115
    CruelCoin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,463 ✭✭✭CruelCoin


    bluewolf wrote: »
    no they don't

    The way i was raised, and by the customs of the people i associate with, yes you do.


  • #116
    Merch
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,322 ✭✭✭Merch


    Afghanistan?
    sorry thats not fair
    offaly?
    sorry thats not fair :)


  • #117
    Merch
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,322 ✭✭✭Merch


    admiralofthefleet wrote: »
    no. we hd discussed it with her parents long beforehand and i was assured that if i went along the trditional route i wouldnt be dissapointed. it wa just following trdition really

    and if you didnt go the traditional route you would be dissapointed?

    I really am sorry, Clearly,I've been in AH too much, when u say the above, Im thinking of an AH kind of not dissapointed :)


  • #118
    Eramen
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 776 ✭✭✭Eramen


    I think this tradition's meaning, was and is, to foster good relations between two families and to cultivate some form of trust between them. While the marriage is between the man and the woman in on a simple level, it becomes so much more over time as the social aspects interlink and especially as children arrive on the scene. Eventually, the two families will come to be relied and counted upon. To say this isn't the case is a bit indignant.

    I personally would lean towards asking, the only thing that might stop me is my wife-to-be having strong objection. However, I wouldn't mind if she asked my mam or my parents in an 'extension of the tradition', which would be fairer for those who are ostensibly seeking fairness with their arguments and cries of 'sexism' et al.

    People are blowing this simple courtesy and strengthening of familial bonds out of all proportion, let's try to keep a head on our shoulders, there is other more pressing issues at hand. It seems this 'I can go it alone, I'll do as I please, and I don't need anyone attitude' is fairly prevalent, borne of of some sort of self-righteous (yet phony) display of independence and ignorance of the past. It's symbolic of society really.

    Thing is, you can't go it alone. You need your families. Strengthen ties however possible.


  • #119
    Merch
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,322 ✭✭✭Merch


    aidan24326 wrote: »
    The dad merely needs to be informed, not asked. If I was a dad and my daughter's fiance asked my permission I'd think he was a fcuking idiot to be honest.
    Yes, informed. hey, were having a wedding today, wanna come along? :) ,as should the mother be informed, both informed yes, asked, no.
    cloptrop wrote: »
    Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
    I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
    Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
    And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

    Swallowing? :) AH?
    nerve? upset? why would they? anyone upset over that needs to get their priorities in order/has little to be upset over.
    I'd consider someone a bit of a wet rope if I have a daughter and some bloke needs to ask my permission, thats a bit unmanly.
    I assume I have already met them and am aware such a thing is on the cards, but asked for permission no.
    Be a different story if I thought all was not well in a relationship.


  • #120
    Fizzlesque
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 669 ✭✭✭Fizzlesque


    I've never had any interest in getting married, but in the unlikely event I one day do end up in marrying mode, under no circumstances would I want or allow my husband-to-be to ask my father's permission.

    Besides, my father's response would probably be (if this imaginary husband-to-be did ask him) "what are you asking me for, surely it's Fizzlesque's decision, not mine".

    Nor would I want a church wedding, an engagement/wedding ring, white dress, father 'giving me away', to change my surname or to be the centre of attention for the day or any of the many other things we grow up being told 'little girls dream of', so it's probably just as well I've never wanted to get married - somebody somewhere is bound to be disappointed by my lack of interest in these things. My sister told me years ago she'd be disappointed if I eloped and denied her a big party but my dad's attitude is much more relaxed - he'd probably be stunned if he was asked for permission to marry me.


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  • #121
    UCDVet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,894 ✭✭✭UCDVet


    cloptrop wrote: »
    Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
    I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
    Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
    And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

    What's the world coming to when a man isn't a man!

    Personally, I think it's far less manly to ask some other man permission on the single most important decision of your life; but that's just me.

    For everyone in the 'You should ask' camp - what would you do if the parents/father says 'No'?

    If you ignore them and still pursue their daughter - it pretty much removes the 'respect' issue completely. It's not 'respect' if you are just pretending to care.


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