Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

BizzyC · 26-09-2012 07:24AM

If I was going to do it I wouldn't be "asking permission", but I would let the father know before doing it.

mikemac1 · 26-09-2012 07:28AM

guppy wrote: »

My husband did not ask permission from my father though as, unsurprisingly (to me, my husband, my family) I am not his "property" to be given away.

Your father gives you away at the wedding though

What other reason is there that he walks you up the aisle and then leaves you at the top with your future husband and the priest

reeta · 26-09-2012 07:32AM

It is still fairly common, a guy I work with asked his girlfriends dad last weekend (and we live in Dublin):)

mikemac1 · 26-09-2012 07:35AM

You need to ask anyway

Find out the dowry

How many acres does she have and is there good drainage?
Bonus points for road frontage!!

The Big Red Button · 26-09-2012 07:37AM

My father would not want to be asked. Him and I are very close, and he's an old-fashioned guy, but even so he wouldn't like it. He always encouraged myself and all my family to be independent people; he certainly would not want or expect to be "asked" for his permission for me to get married. As far as he's concerned, it's not his decision to make - and he's a practical guy, he wouldn't see any point in going through a pointless "tradition" just for the sake of it.

I'd be pretty disappointed, too, if a boyfriend asked him. It would show that they didn't really understand or respect me or my family dynamics.

mikemac1 wrote: »

Your father gives you away at the wedding though

What other reason is there that he walks you up the aisle and then leaves you at the top with your future husband and the priest

That's often not done anymore. In many cases, both parents walk up the aisle with the bride, or the bride walks up the aisle on her own.

El Guapo! · 26-09-2012 07:48AM

I just got engaged a couple of months ago and I asked her dad first. If he said no I was still doing it anyway.
I just see it as a nice tradition. And so does my girlfriend. She had said to me before, that if I was ever gonna propose, she thought its be a nice thing to do.
I wasn't really asking for permission, just kinda letting him know.
Nothing sexist about it. People claiming its sexist and getting outraged over it are just being sensationalist and looking to be offended by something.
If you're offended by it, then I suppose you'll also be offended if I hold a door open for you and say "Ladies first".
It's not being sexist, just a nice thing to do in my opinion.

Pherekydes · 26-09-2012 08:14AM

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

What I find interesting is people who are against it go with other traditions like the church wedding ,the white dress, giving the bride away etc either it's all sexist/outdated or its all tradition, it's the people who pick and choose to suit their own agenda that annoys me.

Allyall wrote: »

I agree, it's more of a tradition then anything, and done out of respect for her parents.. I don't think it's sexist, as you said, if it was, then so is all of the stuff that comes afterwards.. (Giving her away etc..)

dotsman wrote: »

I assume anybody who thinks it's sexist also disagrees with the guy getting the girl an engagement ring, or her wearing white on the big day, or the guy being the one to propose etc

It's amusing the number of people who think that all the traditions to do with marriage are just one big package.

"If one is sexist, they all must be sexist." :rolleyes:

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 08:21AM

whirlpool wrote: »

Do people still do that?

I never asked my husband's parents for permission before I proposed to him.
And if he had proposed to me and I had found out he'd asked my parents, I would have thought long and hard if I should accept. I'm not my parent's property, and I'm not sure I'd want a husband who entertains such a notion.

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 08:25AM

dotsman wrote: »

It's no more sexist or outdated than most other traditions to do with weddings/marriage.

I assume anybody who thinks it's sexist also disagrees with the guy getting the girl an engagement ring, or her wearing white on the big day, or the guy being the one to propose etc

It's simply a gesture and, as Allyall put it, the guy is more asking for the father's blessing as opposed to actual permission. It is the first part of the husband-to-be taking over from the father as the most important man in the girls life (the second part is the father then walking her down the aisle and passing her over to the groom).

I'm not married/engaged, but when I do, if the girl has a close bond with her father, then I see it as something that would be right to do. Obviously, if the father was a prick/abusive/absent from her life etc, then fcuk him.

Personally, I proposed to my husband.
We had a civil ceremony with a registrar in the hotel we had the celbration in, and I wore purple.
I did take his name, but that was mostly because mine is a bugger to spell.

As I said, if he had so much as suggested to ask my mother (I haven't had any contact with my father in nearly 20 years now) I probably wouldn't be married.

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 08:28AM

This topic always makes me think of Dara O'Briain :

"If one of my daughter's boyfriends ever came to me to ask for her hand, I would set the fecker TASKS!"

Staplor · 26-09-2012 08:30AM

I did it, would recommend others do it, her Dad loved it, it was a nod of respect to him.

Real Life · 26-09-2012 08:31AM

im not even in a relationship so not relevant at the moment but if i was getting married i would tell the bride to bes father maybe but not ask him.

rainbow kirby · 26-09-2012 08:31AM

I'd find it a bit strange tbh - it's a bit of a relic of the bad old days.

folan · 26-09-2012 08:32AM

her mother keeps referring to me as the future son in law. i think ill be ok.

Abi · 26-09-2012 08:33AM

I wish it was still traditional. My aul lad would have laughed his hole off at him first then pointed the business end of a shot gun at the fücker.

eviltwin · 26-09-2012 08:33AM

Why the Dad though, does her mother not deserve the same respect?

My husband didn't ask, he wouldn't have thought about it, he knows it wouldn't go down well with me

We decided ourselves to get married, there was no proposal.

If it had been a traditional proposal I think I would hate the idea that someone else knew his plans before I did.

inmyday · 26-09-2012 08:35AM

Dean09 wrote: »

If you're offended by it, then I suppose you'll also be offended if I hold a door open for you and say "Ladies first".
It's not being sexist, just a nice thing to do in my opinion.

I disagree. I hold the door open to men, women and children. I generally do the nice thing to anyone really. But "ladies first" and asking the father in law permission is really old fashioned.

And if I asked my OH's dad for permission, he would tell me fcuk off, and stop asking stupid questions. Ask her not me!

Its nearly like saying, that the woman in question doesnt really make the decision, us MEN will look after her. The poor little woman, she needs looking after. She cant make any decision, except when it comes to clothes and cleaning and cooking.
Theres a good little woman, shhhh, its ok. Big smart Men are here to look after you!

26-09-2012 08:37AM

whirlpool wrote: »

Do people still do that?

Somtimes. But a lot of people see it as a throwback to a time when women were not really considered to have a mind or choice of their own. As if it was up to the parents to make that decision for them.

Still some people do like tradition even without the poor associations such traditions might have attached to them. So people who ask the father of the potential bride for permission are really doing it as a nod to tradition and not because they actually think the father has any actual say in the matter.

I myself did not really ask for permission - nor are we really married as it is not an option for us - but when we did decide to formalise our rather unusual and complicated relationship I did sit down with the parents involved and - I guess more reassured them about my intentions and plans than actually asked their permission.

Lollipops23 · 26-09-2012 08:57AM

I was only discussing this with my OH in the last few weeks; I don't like the idea at all, especially as, when we get married, we'll be paying for the whole thing ourselves. Therefore, I don't see any reason for my parents to give their permission.

However, he feels very different and thinks it'd be pretty rude not to ask them. I made him promise that, when the time comes, he'd at least ask both of them (mine are divorced), as I'm not close to my dad and it'd prob mean more to my mam.

lazygal · 26-09-2012 08:59AM

My husband didn't ask. I know in the case of most friends of mine the dad was asked as a courtesy. I would have laughed if my husband did ask, sure we were living together and had decided a lot of wedding things by the time we got engaged.

eviltwin · 26-09-2012 09:01AM

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I was only discussing this with my OH in the last few weeks; I don't like the idea at all, especially as, when we get married, we'll be paying for the whole thing ourselves. Therefore, I don't see any reason for my parents to give their permission.

However, he feels very different and thinks it'd be pretty rude not to ask them. I made him promise that, when the time comes, he'd at least ask both of them (mine are divorced), as I'm not close to my dad and it'd prob mean more to my mam.

I wonder is that part of it, the fact the brides parents used to pay for the whole thing, you wouldn't be too happy handing over all that money if you hated the bloke I suppose

It just seems pointless to do it when you consider so many couples live together before marriage and the woman has already been taken off her parents hands so to speak.

Zebra3 · 26-09-2012 09:04AM

Allyall wrote: »

It's not really asking for their permission, it's more to do with asking for their blessing,

Well, it depends, if you ask for permission or blessing.

Lollipops23 · 26-09-2012 09:05AM

eviltwin wrote: »

I wonder is that part of it, the fact the brides parents used to pay for the whole thing, you wouldn't be too happy handing over all that money if you hated the bloke I suppose

It just seems pointless to do it when you consider so many couples live together before marriage and the woman has already been taken off her parents hands so to speak.

I know, we don't live together yet, but I don't live with my parents either!! Sure my dad has only met my OH 2 or 3 times, so it'd be even weirder for him to be asked!

Although, I don't think my mam would be able to hold her water if she knew he was going to pop the question soon. She'd be calling every 5mins to check...

The Big Red Button · 26-09-2012 09:06AM

Zebra3 wrote: »

Allyall wrote: »

It's not really asking for their permission, it's more to do with asking for their blessing,

Well, it depends, if you ask for permission or blessing.

Why not ask for their "blessing" when you're actually engaged, though?

Kintarō Hattori · 26-09-2012 09:16AM

My missus is from Poland and so her folks would be a little old fashioned. I asked her father for his permission and he was only delighted (I'd been with her years at that stage anyway). It was out of respect for him that I had asked. Had he said no it wouldn't have made any difference.

Shenshen · 26-09-2012 09:22AM

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

My missus is from Poland and so her folks would be a little old fashioned. I asked her father for his permission and he was only delighted (I'd been with her years at that stage anyway). It was out of respect for him that I had asked. Had he said no it wouldn't have made any difference.

You know, that bit I really, really don't get :
You ask him out of respect, but you won't respect his answer if you don't like it?

Zebra3 · 26-09-2012 09:29AM

chatterpillar wrote: »

Why not ask for their "blessing" when you're actually engaged, though?

Hey, I agree!

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

My missus is from Poland and so her folks would be a little old fashioned. I asked her father for his permission and he was only delighted (I'd been with her years at that stage anyway). It was out of respect for him that I had asked. Had he said no it wouldn't have made any difference.

So it was a complete waste of time then....

Orla99 · 26-09-2012 09:32AM

I think you can assume that the Dad is not going to say no.
By the time you are proposing - you will already have a relationship with your father-in-law to be.

My husband let my dad know that he would be proposing... It was casually told while they were having a pint. My dad also told my mother the good news. I heard it a few months later!

26-09-2012 09:35AM

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

I see it as a little bit of tradition tbh, I would not be offended if it happened or not I don't see it as an issue.
What I find interesting is people who are against it go with other traditions like the church wedding ,the white dress, giving the bride away etc either it's all sexist/outdated or its all tradition, it's the people who pick and choose to suit their own agenda that annoys me.

Yeah, how dare anyone have an individual preference or opinion. :mad:

Personally I see it as very disrespectful to your gf to go around blabbing what should be between the two of you, to other people, before she knows first
I'd have no time for that at all
But others would, so to each their own
Just one of those things I'll never understand. Especially if you're asking out of "respect" but you're so respectful you'll ignore them if you don't get the response you want

Royal Legend · 26-09-2012 09:35AM

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

My missus is from Poland and so her folks would be a little old fashioned. I asked her father for his permission and he was only delighted (I'd been with her years at that stage anyway). It was out of respect for him that I had asked. Had he said no it wouldn't have made any difference.

Whats he supposed to say? He knows you are already riding the sh1te out of each other, what would you do if he said no, or more specifically what would your missus have done?

Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

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