gf doesn't fully trust me

Sponge25 · 13-09-2012 11:35AM #1

Me and my gf were friends when she was with her ex; He treated her really badly, never slept with her, always cheated, called her fat and a hippo and generally said things to her too keep her under his control. She had very bad luck with literally all of her boyfriends before me.

Anyways; we were talking about it alot and she was always complaining about how horny she is and I felt really sorry for her and after a little while it became apparent she was coming on to me and we slept together. I usually would NEVER do this and I never have but I didn't care because the guy was such an asshole.

Everyone was saying don't fall for her, even though they knew she was a good girl, everyone thought there's no way it could last but it did last and we're together now and we're crazy about each other and very stable together. We have no problems at all except she thinks i'm going to hurt her or cheat on her eventually.

Every night I promise her that i'll never hurt her and we'll be together for ever and she's trusting me more and more but she still has little doubts, she's convinced all men only care about sex. She's a really good girl and I honestly do love her alot and i'd never hurt her, ever, but how can I convince her that?

I just want her to feel secure, she's so happy now, she's absolutely CRAZY about me but she's worried i'll get tired of her being clingy and being needy which she is but I find that sweet and i'll never dump her. What can I do to convince her? Like honestly, i've never been so happy with a girl in my life, she does everything for me.

I'm just worried about her, I don't want her to feel hurt anymore! I know there's bigger problems on here but she's been trough too much hurt for too long and I want to make it better for her, so I hope someone can advise me

Chucky the tree · 13-09-2012 02:31PM

Sponge25 wrote: »

Me and my gf were friends when she was with her ex; He treated her really badly, never slept with her, always cheated, called her fat and a hippo and generally said things to her too keep her under his control. She had very bad luck with literally all of her boyfriends before me.

Anyways; we were talking about it alot and she was always complaining about how horny she is and I felt really sorry for her and after a little while it became apparent she was coming on to me and we slept together. I usually would NEVER do this and I never have but I didn't care because the guy was such an asshole.

Everyone was saying don't fall for her, even though they knew she was a good girl, everyone thought there's no way it could last but it did last and we're together now and we're crazy about each other and very stable together. We have no problems at all except she thinks i'm going to hurt her or cheat on her eventually.

Every night I promise her that i'll never hurt her and we'll be together for ever and she's trusting me more and more but she still has little doubts, she's convinced all men only care about sex. She's a really good girl and I honestly do love her alot and i'd never hurt her, ever, but how can I convince her that?

I just want her to feel secure, she's so happy now, she's absolutely CRAZY about me but she's worried i'll get tired of her being clingy and being needy which she is but I find that sweet and i'll never dump her. What can I do to convince her? Like honestly, i've never been so happy with a girl in my life, she does everything for me.

I'm just worried about her, I don't want her to feel hurt anymore! I know there's bigger problems on here but she's been trough too much hurt for too long and I want to make it better for her, so I hope someone can advise me

Parts in bold don't seem possible from the other stuff you have said. Having to say your gf every night that you won't hurt her sounds far from a stable relationship. I also can't see how she can be very happy while she's worried you'll leave her. It sounds like a pretty major problem and it's important to accept that and realise that it's important to fix it or else the relationship won't be a happy one for both of yous. It would probably be a good idea for her to get some counselling for her.

Lorna123 · 13-09-2012 04:49PM

Sponge25 wrote: »

Me and my gf were friends when she was with her ex; He treated her really badly, never slept with her, always cheated, called her fat and a hippo and generally said things to her too keep her under his control. She had very bad luck with literally all of her boyfriends before me.

Anyways; we were talking about it alot and she was always complaining about how horny she is and I felt really sorry for her and after a little while it became apparent she was coming on to me and we slept together. I usually would NEVER do this and I never have but I didn't care because the guy was such an asshole.

Everyone was saying don't fall for her, even though they knew she was a good girl, everyone thought there's no way it could last but it did last and we're together now and we're crazy about each other and very stable together. We have no problems at all except she thinks i'm going to hurt her or cheat on her eventually.

Every night I promise her that i'll never hurt her and we'll be together for ever and she's trusting me more and more but she still has little doubts, she's convinced all men only care about sex. She's a really good girl and I honestly do love her alot and i'd never hurt her, ever, but how can I convince her that?

I just want her to feel secure, she's so happy now, she's absolutely CRAZY about me but she's worried i'll get tired of her being clingy and being needy which she is but I find that sweet and i'll never dump her. What can I do to convince her? Like honestly, i've never been so happy with a girl in my life, she does everything for me.

I'm just worried about her, I don't want her to feel hurt anymore! I know there's bigger problems on here but she's been trough too much hurt for too long and I want to make it better for her, so I hope someone can advise me

Just continue the way you are going OP and she will eventually realize that you are for real.

ManOfMystery · 13-09-2012 05:14PM

There's no magic switch which will change her attitude overnight OP. She's been hurt in the past, and is now a little insecure and worried it could happen again. As above, just keep doing what you're doing and reassure her. But you need her to also understand that you're not her ex, and she's going to have to try a little harder each day to trust you and accept that you're not about to disappear.

Toast4532 · 13-09-2012 05:20PM

She sounds very insecure, maybe counselling wouldn't be a bad idea to help her overcome her issues.

You are not her ex, you haven't hurt her and every day you have to tell her and reassure her you won't hurt her that is not healthy for you or for her, she needs to get professional help for her issues.

Would you consider couples counselling to see if it'd help?

jellygems · 13-09-2012 09:49PM

there are no guaratees in life with anything, u dont know what will happen

for now be there for her

Peanut2011 · 14-09-2012 02:20PM

Sponge25 wrote: »

Anyways; we were talking about it alot and she was always complaining about how horny she is and I felt really sorry for her and after a little while it became apparent she was coming on to me and we slept together. I usually would NEVER do this and I never have but I didn't care because the guy was such an asshole.

Hi OP, it is this part that has caught my attention but before I get to that your OH has huge insecurities that she needs to deal with. These can very well be from years of mistreatment by her ex's or it could be from any number of other things.

Unfortunately these issues she has to face and resolve, there is nothing there you can do. Unfortunately repeated questioning of your "loyalty" for better word will grind you down. It can all be bearable now, but that will take it's toll as years go by.

This further means she does not trust you / can't trust you and without trust there will be no long term relationship. For both of your sakes she would need to seek counselling even couples counselling if she does not want to do it on her own.

Now to go back to the original point. It would appear from what you have said that you slept with her while she was still in relationship with her ex. I'm not going to comment on that as you are not doubting that action.

Weather that was right or wrong is neither here nor there, however her insecurity could be partially to do with that too. They way she may see it is along the lines of, you were more than happy to sleep with her while you knew she was in relationship what will stop you sleeping with someone else when you are in relationship?

Not saying it is same but if she is that insecure this might be very well the thought on her mind.

I really hope you two can get this under control before it becomes too late. Best of luck OP.

Starokan · 14-09-2012 03:19PM

It might seem sweet now but eventually the constant trust issues will begin to grate on you.

As to what you can do , not a lot really, its her issue, i think constantly reassuring her will only make the problem stay as it is. Obviously don't do anything to fire up her insecurities , just be normal .I would say though have one serious conversation and ask her to stop bringing it up and just to accept the fact that you both are in a happy relationship.

It needs to be resolved as what will happen if for example

- you go away with work
- you go away on lads weekend like a stag
- you go out on your own some night.

Find a way to stop it while its in the early stages.

Lorna123 · 14-09-2012 03:57PM

[QUOTE=
she's so happy now, she's absolutely CRAZY about me but she's worried i'll get tired of her being clingy and being needy which she is but I find that sweet and i'll never dump her. What can I do to convince her? Like honestly, i've never been so happy with a girl in my life, she does everything for me.
[/QUOTE]

You are both happy now. You find her looking for reassurance sweet and she loves to hear you say you will never leave her. I can't see what the problem is !!!

indough · 14-09-2012 07:12PM

she sounds like a histrionic head melter and unfortunately i get the impression that it won't be long before she is saying the same negative things about you to the next man, no matter how well you treat her, because some people just can't help playing the victim.

now of course i could be wrong, but either way i would discourage you from going too far out of your way emotionally to convince her of your good intentions, she should really be giving you the same chance you are giving her. tl;dr make sure you get as much out of your relationship as she does so that you don't end up feeling like her footstool.

Lorna123 · 14-09-2012 08:12PM

Peanut2011 wrote: »

Now to go back to the original point. It would appear from what you have said that you slept with her while she was still in relationship with her ex. I'm not going to comment on that as you are not doubting that action.

Weather that was right or wrong is neither here nor there, however her insecurity could be partially to do with that too. They way she may see it is along the lines of, you were more than happy to sleep with her while you knew she was in relationship what will stop you sleeping with someone else when you are in relationship?
OP.

Don't forget that while she was in a relationship with someone else you slept with her, but wait a minute............she slept with you too while in a relationship with someone else, so what does that say about her ????

Idle Passerby · 15-09-2012 12:42PM

I would say its guilt or unsettled feelings abut her own previous unfaithfulness that she's projecting onto you now. She knows she can cheat on someone and she knows you know this too so how can she expect more loyalty from you that she herself has demonstrated.

I don't know your girlfriend or you so maybe I'm wrong here but if her last boyfriend was so awful why didn't she break up with him before starting something with you? Was she making sure she had someone new in the bag before getting rid of the last guy? Do you actually know her last boyfriend was as terrible as she says?

Telling a third party about your relationship woes then seducing that person before ending the first relationship is not a great way to build a healthy relationship.

Ellsbells · 15-09-2012 12:52PM

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I would say its guilt or unsettled feelings abut her own previous unfaithfulness that she's projecting onto you now. She knows she can cheat on someone and she knows you know this too so how can she expect more loyalty from you that she herself has demonstrated.

Exactly.... The relationship started off with infidelity and its biting you on the ass every day now...

Its often very hard for cheats to get peace of mind if they start up a relationship with the 'mistress' or the male equivalent of one as both of ye know that ye are capable of mistreating a.n.other. Its the price you pay....

Sponge25 · 20-09-2012 05:48PM

Hey - sorry for taking so long to wb.

We're doing better now. I told her how much it's hurting me that she doesn't fully trust me and we spent like two hours talking about it where I promised her i'm never going to hurt her, I never cheated on any of my ex's and i'm not her ex. It's really noy her fault, she has alot to offer and has been trough alot so i'm willing to put up with cause I care about her alot.

I just have to be a little more careful with her cause she's a sensitive girl but I don't mind that. She said she's gonna trust me untill I give her a reason not to and she won't be gettin that reason so everything's good now.

Thanks for your advice. When I made this thread orginally I was really worried and upset that she didn't trust me and that she was so worried. She's improved alot over the last week. I think she finally realises that not all guys are about using girls and there are some guys out there who really want to love their gf and be loved back.

Thanks

Lorna123 · 20-09-2012 08:27PM

Thanks great OP, I love a happy ending.

gf doesn't fully trust me

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