Should I emigrate? Or stay for family?

LegacyUser · 21-08-2012 10:39AM #1

I'm having a tough time making a decision which is causing problems with myself and my boyfriend.
We both work - in jobs that are not stable right now. We're both in our mind 20's and he suggested that we go to Canada for a year next year as things are just so bleak in Ireland.

I dont know if I am just making excuses because I am scared by the thought but I do really want to go however, I am the youngest in my family. All my brothers have left our home and one of them emigrated to last year (dont know if he's ever coming back) so it's just me at home with my parents. This is a hard thing for me to decide because my Mam has an illness which she has had for over 30 years now. It's been very hard on all of us especially my Dad who has been a complete rock in our family. Now I am just freaking out about leaving them

their health isnt what it used to be and my Mam depends on me a lot - she's convinced I was a gift from above (I'm not very religous!) and with her illness she does need me

this is now causing issues with me and the love of my life. He wants to go but he feels that my heart isnt in it - but he would never go without me, he said he would stay here and try to make a life for ourselves but I can tell it's pissing him off.

My head is wrecked over it because on one hand: I know I need to live for myself and look after me and the fact that I am an adult I have every right to do what I want and live where I want..

But the other hand: I fear leaving them in case something happens when I'm away and how will they cope without me!

I know most of you are going to say GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE

but I just want some outside opinions to help me decide!

Thanks all

Fea. · 21-08-2012 02:33PM

Dear OP

I am a Carer with the HSE and I take care of the elderly in their own home. Firstly, I would like to say, congratulations to you and your partner and wish you both the very best of luck if and when you do decide to go to Canada. Secondly, you have been an amazing daughter to care for them as much as you have been, but it is impossible for you to be there for them all day everyday. Trust me on that. You might only go to the shop for a loaf of bread and something can happen, or you can go to Canada for a whole year, and nothing can happen.

My advice would be to contact your local District Health Nurse and ask to have your mum assessed for a home care package. Even if she does not need a Carer to come to the house to do things for your mum, both your parents may be able to get a Home Help, which is someone to take care of a few chores that need doing. It will help them plus the added bonus is that you can leave knowing they will be in good hands.

Always remember OP, nowhere is that far away that we can't be home again within 24 hours.
Live your life, and please don't feel one bit guilty about it. You obviously love your parents very much.

I wish you luck.
Fea xxx

Emme · 21-08-2012 02:41PM

OP, I'm older than you and had a chance to travel to Oz with friends in my 20s. I didn't go because I had no brothers and sisters and my parents health had been up and down over the years. I regret not travelling and working abroad, even for a short time, to this day. I will regret it to my dying day.

Why don't you and your bf go for a year and see how it goes? You can come back if you want but ultimately it's your life. You have a good partner who is supporting you. If you continue to give up your life for your mother you might not always have someone in your life as family illnesses and demands are hard on relationships. The reality is that no matter how much you love someone, it's hard to see them sacrificing their lives for a parent and the relationship might not survive that.

You have older siblings. Why can't they share the load even if they are abroad? Why shouldn't you get the chances they had? Put yourself first and don't be bitter and full of regrets later on when it's too late.

Naid23 · 22-08-2012 11:25AM

I am in a similar situation to you OP although slightly opposite.

I am the one who wants to travel and my BF of 7 years doesnt. We talked it out for ages about what we both want to do and decided that its best if we both do our own thing for the year or so.

Hardest decision i've ever had to make but I feel as though I need to travel or else i will go mad staying here and he is quite happy to stay here as things are good for him. We both have very good jobs but i'm just not happy here.

I'm grateful that he is being so understanding of what I want as i know its difficult for him.

Only you will know the right decision for you... no matter how hard it is!

Rachelmhr · 23-08-2012 01:51PM

Hi all

I'm the OP here (forgot my login so used unreg) Thanks so much for the kind helpful messages! I really agree with what you are all suggesting! I am planning to have a little "family meeting" and I will sit down with them all and basically tell them the plans. I think if it's all out in the open then I can finally relax and feel better about going

I do agree that my siblings should be taking more responsibility though! Even though they have their own families to look after, they still have parents that spent their whole lives bringing us up and they have made serious sacrifices to do that, so I think we all owe them

I feel a lot better about the situation now and I dont feel as terrified now!

Thanks all for your help, sometimes all you need is a few outside opinions to give you a kick up the backside

Rach
xxx

Should I emigrate? Or stay for family?

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