Parents breaking up. Is it selfish or immature.

Scanlas The 2nd · 27-07-2012 01:12PM #1

I think there are obviously situations where it's in a child's best interest that parents separate such as one parent being physically abusive to the other or the children.

However I think it's a parent's responsibility to stay together for the children. Now I can already hear the rebuttal, a children are better off in single parent household than an unhappy two parent household. I don't see why two mature adults can't stay together for their children and live in a happy household despite there reasons for breaking up. Assuming those reasons aren't extreme.

My aunt broke up with my uncle because she wasn't "in love" with him but she still "loved" him apparently. So she left and lived in an apartment for a year or so. I just think not being "in love" is a ridiculous reason not to stay living at home for your children. Really selfish. There should be no reason why two mature adults who aren't in love can't live happily together in the same house.

Samich · 27-07-2012 01:14PM

Well if you're staying together for the sake of the child you'll just have 2 unhappy parents, and that isn't good.

27-07-2012 01:15PM

I think it's stupid to stay together with someone just for the sake of the children when it's not even necessarily a good thing in the first place

It's neither immature nor selfish and I find the entire question a bit boggling

Melion · 27-07-2012 01:17PM

I'm not with the mother of my child anymore. It doesn't make any sense for 2 people to stay together and be miserable to create the impression of a happy home for the child. They'll hear the arguing.
And what happens when the child grows up and leaves the house? Should the parents still stay together.

27-07-2012 01:17PM

Dont have kids. Simples

there, all solved now.

Fupping Grasshole · 27-07-2012 01:18PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

My aunt broke up with my uncle

A_Sober_Paddy · 27-07-2012 01:18PM

Don't feed the trolls

Tombi! · 27-07-2012 01:21PM

Depends.

I think it's better to split up and be at least civil to one another then stay together for the "child" and end up hating each other and making it worse for the child.

SEPT 23 1989 · 27-07-2012 01:22PM

Children pick up on everything,it would do terrible damage to a child to be brought up in a bad atmosphere

geeky · 27-07-2012 01:24PM

Jaysus no. As previous posters have said, two unhappy parents = miserable kid. They cotton on to interpersonal stuff far more than we give them credit for, and form their views on what's normal based on their parents' relationship. In that context, a loveless marriage is usually damaging.

Harry Enfield of all people did a running sketch in response to the 'stay together for the kids' crowd, of a couple who clearly despised each other but were together for their son - who just wanted them to get divorced. Can't watch his shows, but he made a good point.

Yeah, some people who cut and run at the first sign of trouble clearly weren't mature enough to settle down in the first place. But people shouldn't be with a partner who makes them unhappy.

garv123 · 27-07-2012 01:25PM

Have you lived with two parents arguing and shouting and roaring every evening for the night as soon as they come home from work?

Things are much better when they separate..

Plus you get double the amount of xmas presents off them.

Corkfeen · 27-07-2012 01:25PM

Children are perfectly capable of picking up on tension in a home so it's not really very beneficial for them to live in a home where they know that their parents are not in any way happy with their relationship. The negatives outweigh any positive aspects.

danslevent · 27-07-2012 01:26PM

I don't think it is selfish at all. My parents are still married but for as long as I can remember they slept in separate beds and I never saw any kind of love between them. I would have preferred for them to have a divorce, I even said it as a kid. It is more damaging to grow up in a house where there isn't any love. I used to think all families were like that and all marriages were void of love. It would have been much healthier to see my parents in actual loving relationships, rather than being left with the feeling of quilt that they are only together for me and my sisters.

mauzo · 27-07-2012 01:26PM

I tried that, convinced myself it was better to stay with a physically abusive person for the sake of our son. Didn't have the mental strength to leave either.

Children pick up on everything, you can convince yourself its in their best interest but its not at all.

Happy parents = happy children

antodeco · 27-07-2012 01:27PM

Fupping Grasshole wrote: »

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

My aunt broke up with my uncle

The oul mistake of thinking your Aunties husband is your Uncle and vice versa!

Scanlas The 2nd · 27-07-2012 01:30PM

Melion wrote: »

I'm not with the mother of my child anymore. It doesn't make any sense for 2 people to stay together and be miserable to create the impression of a happy home for the child. They'll hear the arguing.
And what happens when the child grows up and leaves the house? Should the parents still stay together.

I'm talking about mature parents, mature parents don't continually argue.

Scanlas The 2nd · 27-07-2012 01:32PM

geeky wrote: »

Jaysus no. As previous posters have said, two unhappy parents = miserable kid. They cotton on to interpersonal stuff far more than we give them credit for, and form their views on what's normal based on their parents' relationship. In that context, a loveless marriage is usually damaging.

Harry Enfield of all people did a running sketch in response to the 'stay together for the kids' crowd, of a couple who clearly despised each other but were together for their son - who just wanted them to get divorced. Can't watch his shows, but he made a good point.

Yeah, some people who cut and run at the first sign of trouble clearly weren't mature enough to settle down in the first place. But people shouldn't be with a partner who makes them unhappy.

Why are you assuming two parents who don't want to be in a relationship would be unhappy. Flatmates aren't all unhappy.

I think using the line " two unhappy parents is worse" is often a convenient rationalisation to put your own interests ahead of your children.

starbelgrade · 27-07-2012 01:33PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

I'm talking about mature parents, mature parents don't continually argue.

Funnily enough, that strikes me as a very immature thing to say.

Scanlas The 2nd · 27-07-2012 01:36PM

starbelgrade wrote: »

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

I'm talking about mature parents, mature parents don't continually argue.

Funnily enough, that strikes me as a very immature thing to say.

It strikes me as true, petit arguing is for emotionally unstable individuals. If you have your differences you negotiate while controlling your emotions and staying calm like a mature adult should be able to, especially in the interest of your children.

Cú Giobach · 27-07-2012 01:41PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

It strikes me as true, petit arguing is for emotionally unstable individuals. If you have your differences you negotiate while controlling your emotions and staying calm like a mature adult should be able to, especially in the interest of your children.

That is a grand ideal, but as with many "ideals" it doesn't take into account the reality of human nature.

grindle · 27-07-2012 01:41PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

Flatmates aren't all unhappy.

Not all flatmates have loved eachother, had a child, gotten married, then stopped loving eachother.
Anyway, all flatmates that can't stand living with eachother are unhappy. All of them.

As for the selfish thing, it is, but it's a good selfishness that leads to a positive outcome for the child. Not all selfishness is bad.
Without it you wouldn't have a job, or meet people you like as opposed to people you don't.

Bad Panda · 27-07-2012 01:41PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

It strikes me as true, petit arguing is for emotionally unstable individuals. If you have your differences you negotiate while controlling your emotions and staying calm like a mature adult should be able to, especially in the interest of your children.

You're asking people to downplay their emotions - the thing that makes us people (!) in order to negotiate and show no feeling like robots.

My parents fought a lot (not physically) and split up. I was fine with it, because even at 12 it made sense; they weren't getting on. I'd a great childhood. And they've always gone on since.

Also, the view that any two people can maintain never arguing is quite frankly stupid and idealistic to the extreme.

My 2c.

Thomas20 · 27-07-2012 01:42PM

Couldn't disagree anymore with you OP

27-07-2012 01:43PM

Thomas20 wrote: »

Couldn't disagree anymore with you OP

You've changed to his point of view on so little?

Scanlas The 2nd · 27-07-2012 01:46PM

Bad Panda wrote: »

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

It strikes me as true, petit arguing is for emotionally unstable individuals. If you have your differences you negotiate while controlling your emotions and staying calm like a mature adult should be able to, especially in the interest of your children.

You're asking people to downplay their emotions - the thing that makes us people (!) in order to negotiate and show no feeling like robots.

My parents fought a lot (not physically) and split up. I was fine with it, because even at 12 it made sense; they weren't getting on. I'd a great childhood. And they've always gone on since.

Also, the view that any two people can maintain never arguing is quite frankly stupid and idealistic to the extreme.

My 2c.

When you are immature emotionally IMO your emotions are volatile and control you. So in that instance the parents should break up. You can feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them, many do.

Kimia · 27-07-2012 01:47PM

I think that if both parents are unhappy then they should break up. Just because you're a parent does not mean that your entire life is not your own anymore - you're still an individual person.

I think it's also really important for the parents to agree visitation and access. There is nothing worse for a child than for one of their parents to just disappear. This can lead to severe abandonment issues and depression.

So I think if the parents do split up, they should ensure to keep the child or children informed at all times by reassuring them that it's not their fault. Children are very self-centered up to a certain age and will internalize everything - they will blame themselves for daddy/mammy not being around, so it's important to constantly reassure.

kincsem · 27-07-2012 01:52PM

We broke up because it was best for the children. Clever.

Scanlas The 2nd · 27-07-2012 02:00PM

If one parent wasn't happy because of their job and there was an opportunity to go for a job that would make them happy in a foreign country leaving behind their family, Should they take that job or stay in the job they don't like for their children?

By the logic I've been reading on this thread I'd assume many here think the parent should work abroad away fro their family for their happiness. After all unhappy parents aren't good for children.

amacca · 27-07-2012 02:00PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

When you are immature emotionally IMO your emotions are volatile and control you.

Will I ever be mature?.........................I'm getting angry, why cant I be mature ffs:mad:

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

You can feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them, many do.

Not all the time...if you are human then something will get to you eventually and probably frequently no matter how mature you are spock

while sacrifices have to be made and compromises reached expecting a couple that just will not see eye to eye to control their emotions while sharing a living space for the the lifetime of a child just isn't feasible.....they will crack no matter how mature they are.......in fact forcing a situation like that may lead to a bigger more serious breakdown than if they could argue etc

fishy fishy · 27-07-2012 02:01PM

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

I think there are obviously situations where it's in a child's best interest that parents separate such as one parent being physically abusive to the other or the children.

However I think it's a parent's responsibility to stay together for the children. Now I can already hear the rebuttal, a children are better off in single parent household than an unhappy two parent household. I don't see why two mature adults can't stay together for their children and live in a happy household despite there reasons for breaking up. Assuming those reasons aren't extreme.

My aunt broke up with my uncle because she wasn't "in love" with him but she still "loved" him apparently. So she left and lived in an apartment for a year or so. I just think not being "in love" is a ridiculous reason not to stay living at home for your children. Really selfish. There should be no reason why two mature adults who aren't in love can't live happily together in the same house.

it's the difference between "living" and "existing" . It's the 21st century - why should people live in misery.

grindle · 27-07-2012 02:04PM

kincsem wrote: »

We broke up because it was best for the children. Clever.

We stayed together and fought every night, while the children went to sleep to a screaming, shouting, objects breaking against the wall-style lullaby - because it was best for the children.
Clever.

Parents breaking up. Is it selfish or immature.

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