Sometimes it's better not to know...

Dewie · 06-07-2012 11:33PM #1

I'm not sure why I wanted to post a thread here. I guess it's just to share my experience with other adoptees who I sympathise with that are facing brick walls in searching for BPs.

I knew from a very early age that I was adopted. Apparently I was so young when I was told i used to tell people I was 'a doctor'. Some may think that it's a good thing.

I don't.

I grew up 'feeling' different because of it. My social skills were awkward and found it difficult to communicate. My mother tells me that I was in a home for a while and that the 'hospital' staff, if you will, said I was 'backward' whatever that's supposed to mean. She said I was difficult when I first came into her life but that with love and patience I turned out the way I am today, a normal Joe Soap I suppose. Anyway, I have grown up in a wonderful family and I count myself lucky to be part of this very close family.

My mother always said if ever I wanted to know who my BM was I just had to ask. I didn't ask until about 6 or 7 years ago. I don't even know why I wanted to know to be honest.

Then the floodgates opened. It turns out that my BM is related to my adopted father (through in-laws). So news got back to my BM that I had enquired about her. She then wanted to contact me and I said ok if it was via a letter. I didn't want to take the big step of meeting face to face at that time. So a letter arrived which I still have, which talked of limited choices and apologies and how could I ever forgive her etc. This poor woman was torturing herself from the day she gave me up. I let it be known that I had absolutely no hard feelings whatsoever and that I was living a good life with a good loving family. But how could I? I never had any emotional ties with her.

I then heard she was the getting-upset-after-a-few-drinks type so the late night phonecalls started coming which after a while I ignored.

My adopted father passed a few years ago and she was at the funeral. It's all a haze but I said hi accompanied with a bit of small talk. I can live with that. I have my life to live and my mother to look after. Then she found me on FB. I've had to block her on FB because she wrote on my wall 'Happy Birthday son' on my bd which was definately NOT ok by me.

I do not want to know this woman and I feel guilty that I feel this way. But I am a human being and I genuinely don't want to torture her any more by telling her this. I still get the odd text to which I reply in a civil way. But when I get those texts I get irritated and it bugs me for days after that I am feeling irritated.

Is it wrong of me to avoid her contact because I am the one who opened pandora's box?

I ended up here on this forum through browsing, because I was getting a birth cert for a passport. My mother (adopted) volunteered my original one along with the letter from the Adoption Board explaining how to acquire one in my adopted name.

It just got me thinking....

I'm glad I wrote this down. Kinda therapy I suppose.

Anyway. Take from it what you will. I just wanted to share my experience with you.

God Bless.

rinsjwind · 13-07-2012 10:13PM

Hi Dewie

That's a tough one. I was just wondering was there any involvement in any of this by the adoption services, I know they get a lot of (often well deserved) stick on here, but these sorts of situations are exactly what the whole time-consuming, frustrating, process they go through is designed to avoid.

Even at this stage, having a chat with someone who does this stuff for living might help, at least to get your own head around this or maybe even to have someone like that contact your mother and try to explain how you feel without hurting her feelings. Barnardos have a pretty good post adoption service if you are interested?

Very best of luck and fair play for sharing your story.

Rins

Funkyman · 17-07-2012 02:38PM

Your situation is one Im slightly afraid of. I have information for all my natural siblings and birth parents via facebook for the last year and a half but have not done anything about it.

I emphatise with your situation, I suppose it can be opening a can of worms contacting your birth family and anything can happen.

Ickle Magoo · 17-07-2012 02:57PM

Dewie wrote: »

I do not want to know this woman and I feel guilty that I feel this way. But I am a human being and I genuinely don't want to torture her any more by telling her this. I still get the odd text to which I reply in a civil way. But when I get those texts I get irritated and it bugs me for days after that I am feeling irritated.

Is it wrong of me to avoid her contact because I am the one who opened pandora's box?

If the texts are bugging you it might be worth getting a number block ap/blocking their number on your phone. I know you don't want to torture the woman any more but letting her know you don't want to pursue contact, even just in a letter would perhaps give her some kind of closure to your initial contact? And while you may feel certain now, I'd caution against burning all your bridges...it might be better to ask for space to come to terms with things and suggest you contact them if/when you want further contact.

I don't think you should feel guilty and no, I don't think it's wrong of you. I think it's entirely up to you how you want to play a situation that was not of your making. If that doesn't suit anyone else then, frankly, tough.

You also aren't alone in being adopted and not wanting to make - or remain in - contact with biological parent/s. It's not unusual that adopted children feel they already have a family who has loved them and done all the hard work of raising them and have no burning desire to know who gave birth to them...or they don't view the risk of upsetting the apple-cart for the sake of virtual strangers worth it.

All the very best, OP.

Junoesque · 17-07-2012 03:15PM

There was a documentary on tv a few weeks ago about an eastern European family who gave a baby daughter up for adoption. The girl was adopted by loving Australian people who in the modern way raised her to know that she was adopted.

I think the girl was about sixteen when she decided she wanted to meet her bf. The adoptive mother arranged the meeting. It was clear the girl was not at home with the bf, perhaps she was too young to be able to fake being comfortable with those so much worse off than herself. Her bf particularly a brother wanted to be friends. Her natural mother made excuses for the adoption. On one level it might have been sucessful. The girl now knows where she is from and could see for herself the poverty her bf came from, which whilst better today, is much worse than she has ever had to face in Australia.

The girl is Australian, part of a very happy, close family unit. It didn't look to me as though she would be having much contact with her bf, perhaps appropriate cards.

Its not always a good idea to look too deeply.

goat2 · 21-07-2012 08:22PM

Junoesque wrote: »

There was a documentary on tv a few weeks ago about an eastern European family who gave a baby daughter up for adoption. The girl was adopted by loving Australian people who in the modern way raised her to know that she was adopted.

I think the girl was about sixteen when she decided she wanted to meet her bf. The adoptive mother arranged the meeting. It was clear the girl was not at home with the bf, perhaps she was too young to be able to fake being comfortable with those so much worse off than herself. Her bf particularly a brother wanted to be friends. Her natural mother made excuses for the adoption. On one level it might have been sucessful. The girl now knows where she is from and could see for herself the poverty her bf came from, which whilst better today, is much worse than she has ever had to face in Australia.

The girl is Australian, part of a very happy, close family unit. It didn't look to me as though she would be having much contact with her bf, perhaps appropriate cards.

Its not always a good idea to look too deeply.

i also watched that programme, and got the same impression as you,
but i guess there is always the niggling question,
the person who said that they have found their siblings on facebook, is lucky, at least they are getting alot of information this way, and can make a better informed decision, from what they see on facebook

Junoesque · 21-07-2012 08:56PM

goat2 wrote: »

i also watched that programme, and got the same impression as you,
but i guess there is always the niggling question,
the person who said that they have found their siblings on facebook, is lucky, at least they are getting alot of information this way, and can make a better informed decision, from what they see on facebook

Yes there must be always some doubt and it won't go away until questions are answered. I was very interested in the program I thought it was honest and very revealing.

To me it seemed the girl was uncomfortable by the tactile nature of her birth mothers affection and it seemed clear that one of her brothers was becoming too attached, but I'm not sure if his attachment was to his sister, her relative wealth or her Australian family and nationality. The difference in living standards and expectations was almost embarassingly obvious.

Sometimes it's better not to know...

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