What's the most retarded thing you've done in your entire life?

This is quite a long story and happened this time last year.

It was a Friday. During lunch,i left my workplace in Dublin with a few lads for a 10 minute stroll to the shops. While queuing in the local spar, i look to my left and saw the birthday card stand and immediately realised that it was my mothers birthday tomorrow. There was a picture of a turtle holding a sack of letters say "Sorry i'm late", i though that was perfect as if i was to buy it twould be Monday before she gets it down in West Cork. I buy the card and continue on my stroll. With the card in hand i saw the Post Office ahead and told my colleagues, I'd join them later.

The Post Office was busy with pensioners. As I queued my eyes wandered again and noticed the one for all vouchers, I thought i might aswell get one of these as I am hopeless at buying presents and wouldn't be home in a while. Eventually I reach the counter, its just me and the post mistress now, a mid thirties dark hard woman with a nice layer of fake tan and a thick Dublin accent.
P: Hi can I get €40 on the voucher
Clerk: Fine, there's a €3 charge on da.
P: What? for what?
Cleck: It just is alright, I don't make the charges
P: Fine, i'l pay by card
Quite clearly at this point we had established a hostility between us and her customer service skills were lacking. I thanked her and with my voucher,stamp, card and a red envelope all needed was a pen to complete the task. I turned and saw one pen dangling on a string by the window.

At the window, I open the card and began writing. Meanwhile a tall blond German man entered the Post Office, late twenties. He was distressed. In a fluster he goes straight to the clerk.
German: Hi, my parents, em, they send me money, i have to get.
Clerk: Wha?
German: My parents in Germany have sent money over here to me for me to collect.
The clerk isn't intuned with his urgency but instead has the enthusiasm of dead hedgehod in a wet cardboard box.
Cleck: Fill out this form here, and we'll sort ya out...
I was listening intently to the scene and was now currently writing on the little card that came with the voucher. The german bounds over to my area and immediately starts testing the other pens as I am sealing the envelope, none of the other pens work. Sweating now he turns to me and booms "Pen, Pen, Pen!!". I hurriedly hand him the pen as i put the stamp on the envelope. With my mind mostly wondering on what predicament this poor guy was in i throw my sealed envelope into the post box. Almost like a scene from the matrix the red envelope hung mid air as it left my grasp, it was then I realised I forgot to write the address on the envelope!!!!

Panic stations! I stood there for a good 10 seconds thinking "what the fúck did i just do". Part of me said "Just forget it, get another card" while another was like "you just threw away €45!!". Another voice said "dont worry, it will return to sender", then i said to myself "no it won't, how can it, you idiot Podge". Eventually I sum up to courage and go back to the wagon behind the counter.
P: Hi again
Cleck: eh yes? (suspiciously)
P: Ya.......i'm after posting the voucher there in an envelope and i didn't write an address on it.
Cleck: You Wha?
P: I'm after posting a letter with no address (it hurt to say it twice)
Cleck: There no address on it!
P: No
The look she gave me then was akin to a look you give someone who just dropped their pants and shat in front of you.
Clerk: Right well theres nothing I can do it.
P: What!!! You're the Post office
Clerk: Ya sorry I don't have the key
P: What! (stunned)
Cleck:I dont have the key for that, there a guy that comes at 4pm and 5.30pm to collect the post and he has the key.
P: When he comes could you get for me, its red envelope (I wouldn't be able to leave work that early)
Cleck: No! No I won't...sure I wouldnt know which letter it is
P: Its the red one with no address on it.
Cleck: Look if you here at 4pm or 5.30, he'll open it for ya?
P: Why would I come back here at 5.30 if he's already collected it at 4pm
(pause)
Cleck: (confused) oh ya, i actually you have to be here at 4.
In my anger I was going to call her a dope but then shes not the one who threw a letter with no address into the post. Dumbfounded, i stood there before Hans brushes past me with his form complete. I leave the Post office.

At 3pm, i head for a cup of tea with lads who get the whole story much to their amusment. One of them describing my conversation with the clerk as "When two idiots collide". Others are convinced that when I return at 4, there will a german guy looking in the post for the letter.

I sneak out of work at 3.50 thinking i'll only be 5 mins. I walking to the Post Office, its busy again. I wander around for a bit before approaching the counter to find a different girl there
P:Hi, has anyone collected the post yet.
Cleck: No, (bewildered), its collected at 4.
It was 3.55 but the way she said it you'd swear I was a week early. Not wanting to look suspicious I waited outside the post office as I walked out i heard the new cleck say to another "I thinks that's yer man". They clearly had been inform of my reatrded action earlier and became "yer man".

Outside it began to drizzle, i was cold and in a tshirt. I just did not want to be in that post office anymore. A post van pulled up and a guy (splitting image of Pat Mustard) started unloading boxes. I smile and nod at him, he looks cautious at me (I later learn he's not here to collect the post) but i continue to make eye contact and then offer him a hand with the boxes to which he tells me to abruptly "No! get away from them". He heads in with a stack of boxes with one eye on me. Inside I hear him talking with the clerks and then I see him looking out and laughing in my direction, they were clearly filling him in. He then heads out gives me a wink and drives off.

Its now 4.30 and eventually a little green van pulls up. The post man approachs looking suspiciously at the soaked, embarrased spiderman-tshirt-wearing young fella leaning by the post box keyhole. I tell him the story and he says again give me a look like i pissed in his cornflakes. He searches for the red envelope and it's there at the bottom of the pile. I thank him, go inside, write the address and post the letter. My mother got the card Tuesday, she liked the voucher but she loved it when I told her the story behind.

Confab wrote: »

Not wasting my morning reading that. Ten words or less.

And yet you quote the fcuking thing? :mad:

One night I was walking home pissed anyways I come across a pushbike and spend half an hour trying to hotwire the thing.

Mully_2011 wrote: »

One night I was walking home pissed anyways I come across a pushbike and spend half an hour trying to hotwire the thing.

One of the lads phones me one night pissed and says he's in mcdonalds 5 mins walk away and do i want anything. Delighted i tell him my order.

After nearly an hour still no sign. Given that it was mcdonalds on oconnell street I take a walk down to check he's ok. I found him trying to put a euro into a Dublin Bikes stand.

A few months ago was going on date with this girl was a 2nd date so had got over the first date hurdle,said we would go the cinema, so I wake up hungover brain a bit dead and book the tickets online, get there all going Well film about to start when this couple come up and say your in our seats, I'm adamant I'm in the right seats usher comes up takes a look at both tickets then with a smile on his face says to me your in the right seats alright but your three days early. Swear I didn't feel special sitting there with my date looking at me made a quick exit and of coarse blamed it on there faulty internet booking service.


Oh and when I was five I done a there's something about Mary and caught my manhood in my fly and had to go to hospital to get it eh free, while in Wales on holiday.

not me but my father....

mid 80's after a nice few scoops he only has enough money for a chip + sausage or a taxi home. decides to get food. while walking back he sees an atm and goes to take out money and get a taxi too! really spoil himself!

he places his food on the atm.....enters the pin wrong 3 times....and a shutter came down over the atm and his food! he walks home hungry!