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Relationship ending, Stepdad involvement?

  • 21-06-2012 12:59PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    I will give a bit of background to the situation first! I have been with my OH for almost 6 years. I have a 7 year old daughter, and my OH has played an active part in her life since she was 2 years old. Her dad walked out before she was born and we have had no contact since.

    Although we are not married, my OH treats my daughter as his own, and has done since she was very small. She knows he is not her dad but she adores him, as he does her, and they have an amazing relationship. He is the only father figure she has ever known. He has 2 older kids from a previous relationship too who spend most weekends with us, which my daughter also loves.

    My problem is that my relationship with my OH is close to breaking down, for a number of reasons. There is no hostility or ill-feelings, it is amicable all around, but we have reached a stage where we both think that separating is becoming the most likely option.

    My OH has expressed that he wishes to still be involved in my daughters life, and I know she will want the same. I am just wondering if anyone else has been/knows somebody in a similar situation? Does this ever work out?

    He is worried that if things do become strained, he is at my mercy as he has no biological or legal rights regarding her. I would never do this, but it has happened him with his own kids in the past due to a bitter break-up. I am also worried that I am doing the right thing for my daughter, as I don't want to hurt or confuse her.

    Any help/advice appreciated!


Comments

  • #2
    makeminea99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3 ✭makeminea99


    I'm no expert on this as I am just at the start of a breakup myself. However If I was unable to have access to my children it would absolutely tear me apart. The scary thing is we are not married and so it could yet happen to me. Anyhow the point is, taking the biology out of the equation your OH has been your daughters father in every shape of the word. I personally don't think it would be in your daughters best interest to take her "Father" away from her. If the amicable break up goes pear shaped then you may need to re-evaluate, but until then why not have some sense of continuity? Obviously I have a biased opinion so feel free to take what I am saying with a pinch of salt! I hope this helps a little.


  • #3
    hiltonhater
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 144 ✭✭hiltonhater


    I am a stepmother who has lost all contact with a child she reared from age 6. It is heartbreaking for the other person in the marriage/relationship to rip that child from your life regardless of legalities. I brought her up for over 6 years, sent her to school, fed her, clothed her, comforted her but as soon as my ex husband met someone else that was it, he refused myself and stepdaughter any access bar some pretty heartwrenching emails from her to me. Breakups are hard on the people involved for sure but make sure you think about things from your childs point of view. My stepdaughter spent 5 years trying to 'remake'contact with me just to ask why I abandoned her, which I did not. It is not all about the parents, the children suffer too. Just be conscious of that. Best of luck to you all.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am very conscious of the fact that the children are the ones who suffer most in situations like these, as I have been through it with my OH where his ex refused him access to their children whenever she felt like it, and he is still in and out of courts today in order to maintain regular contact with them.

    As a result of this I would never stand in the way of him continuing to be there for her, and I would actively encourage it for her sake to retain a bit of normality in her life.

    My worries really are that this will end up hurting her if relations between my OH and I somehow break down. As much as he is worried that I will prevent access, I am equally worried that if we get to such a point in the future, he will decide that he no longer wants the responsibility of my daughter seeing as she is not his biologically.

    I know that my daughter has a tough time ahead of her dealing with the issue of her biological father abandoning her, right now she is a bit too young to grasp the situation, and the very last thing I want for her is to feel abandoned by the man she has seen as her dad for most of her life. He has given me reassurances, but I still really fear what it will do to my daughter if this should happen.


  • #5
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    OP, I was in the same position as you and did everything I could to facilitate my ex seeing my child. But over the space of a couple of years it all fell assunder and he hasn't seen her now in almost 2 years.

    The issue about him being a step parent is that he has no legal obligations to the child. In my case, my ex was not willing to help with the child at all, either financially or in terms of taking her at set times when it didn't suit him. Because he took on the "I'm not really her parent" attitude I began to really resent him trying to tell me what to do in relation to her.
    I'm not explaining it very well but I was struggling financially and he didn't help. If I was stuck for a minder he wouldn't help. If he was meant to have her and something came up, he'd cancel. And because he wasn't her "dad" it was all meant to be put up with.
    However, he also wanted to be able to have a say in things like birthdays and christmas. He wanted me to let him do things I didn't agree with. In other words he wanted me to respect his judgement as a parent but not act like a parent if it didn't suit.

    I'm glad I tried to make it work but I am also glad it's over now. My daughter was hurt by him stopping contact but she was being hurt by him being flaky and useless anyway so it's swings and roundabouts really.


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