I need urgent advise

LegacyUser · 01-02-2012 07:32AM #1

Over the past year my wife’s behaviour has changed radically, last Christmas 12 months the kids took something without asking and she scraped the hands of one of them and threatened the other with a knife.

Since then she has blamed me for everything that has ever gone wrong, dragging up past trivial things to throw at me, I was walking on egg shells with her all the time in fear of saying something to offend her, I’ve told her numerous times if I ever said anything to offend her it was not intentional and it was not in malice, she did not believe me.
She has threatened separation and divorce numerous times and rang me up and verbally abused me and threatened suicide

In October last we had a heart to heart and I told her again all that I’ve always said and I thought this would be the end of it, a week later I got a text accusing me of stealing her money and I was a dead man and our marriage was over.

I was out for the first time in years with a few friends and I met this girl my own age, we got on very well, we met again and we started seeing each other, I told my wife as she had ideas, she told the kids I was walking out on them, I told her what’s between us does not involve the kids, there are means and ways of dealing with it.

She went through my phone bills and bank statements looking for information
She’s convenienced the problem is with me and I need counselling, I’ve offered her marriage counselling she refused. She’s thrown me out of the house and has blackened me to the kids, she rang me yesterday crying on the phone saying not to take the kids from her, I reassured her no one was taking the kids or house from her, she does not drive so I called over yesterday to give her groceries and she had a crowbar hidden behind her back and she swung it at me, I avoided it and got hit on the shoulder, I think she may have had the phone on to her sister to try and get me to do something. She then told me that she thought I came for the kids.

I just don’t know what to do now, I’m worried for the safety of my kids, she has threatened suicide in the past, if I involve the guards, there is no going back and social services will be involved, I just don’t know what to do, I cant talk to her, I think she has ocd and paranoia.

samina · 01-02-2012 09:17AM

I agree with sunflower, can you talk to her family and see how they feel she is doing or will they feel or will that only worsen the situation. It sounds like she needs to see her gp. Either way I wouldn't feel my children were in good hands if it we're me.

ManOfMystery · 01-02-2012 09:49AM

Marriageisover wrote: »

Over the past year my wife’s behaviour has changed radically, last Christmas 12 months the kids took something without asking and she scraped the hands of one of them and threatened the other with a knife.

This is the point at which you should have called the police. Wife or no wife, threatening her own children with a knife is TOTALLY out of line. For crying out loud, are you just going to sit there passively until someday you get a phone call saying one of the kids is in hospital or worse?

You need to speak to the authorities now, not tomorrow or the day after. She needs serious help.

Oryx · 01-02-2012 09:54AM

OP, Im reading two strands in your posts: the first is your issue with your wife's mental state, the other, which you gloss over, is the fact that you are having an affair. The two things are not mutually exclusive. You can't just say, 'my wife is crazy so this is my excuse to see someone else'. You have to accept that what you have done may have pushed your wife, an already fragile person, even further into chaos.

I'm not saying you caused her issues. Im not saying her behaviour is even a little bit understandable, but she does sound like someone who is deeply unhappy and who has been crying out for help for a long time. It is not unusual to reject counselling when you are in a very bad state, you dont think it will help.

Anger and depression go hand in hand. Someone not in control of their life, and deeply depressed, can lash out at others unpredictably. I honestly dont know the extent of your wifes problems, or what kind of help she needs, but look at the whole picture here, try to see what might have happened in the last year (or prior to that) to bring this on. I dont know if you need to do something drastic like removing the kids from her care (think of the effect on them, too). Get someone from her family that she trusts to talk to her, and to get her to see a doctor, in order to get the ball rolling towards help. As you seem to have already removed yourself from your marriage and have found someone new, I really dont think you are best placed to intervene directly here, if she hates you, she wont accept your help.

uck51js9zml2yt · 01-02-2012 11:18AM

This has been going on over a year. Have you ever spoken to your doctor about your wifes condition?
Your affair isn't helping her but the problem looks a lot deeper than that.

John Mason · 01-02-2012 01:44PM

there is something clearly going on with your wife.

did she change overnight ? Have you taken her to the doctor? Have you gone to the doctor/ her family on her behalf and explain what is happening ?

why in gods name have you left your children with someone so unbalanced?

you need to man up, get help for your wife and get your children in a secure safe enviroment

Julie London · 01-02-2012 02:02PM

I think you need to focus on getting your kids out of this situation. And focus less attention on your affair. Do you realise your children are most likely in danger? And you seem concerned about pursuing a new relationship.

LegacyUser · 05-02-2012 01:02AM

Can you speak to anyone who is good friend of your wife's as they may have noticed her odd behaviour?
Has your wife always been like this or did something happen before you left the family home that could have effected her? Did she think that you always were going out with other woman ect?
I would speak to her doctor and explain what has happened to her and recent events as they may be able to advise you further on what to do.
Get someone you both know and trust to mind the children away from the family home. Then talk to your wife in front of some other people she knows and trusts.
You need to tell your wife and the other people there what has gone on. Tell your wife that
she either goes to the doctor or you will call the guards and get social services involved and the children will be taken away from her.
Your children are the most important people in this situation at the moment and they don't deserve to be seeing/ hearing your and you wife fighting. They can no longer go on living in a house with your wife either as they could be damaged either mental or physically or both because of her.

nowyouresix · 05-02-2012 02:27PM

OP: you really glossed over the fact that you are having an affair.... One which you have told her about. How did you think she would act or react? She has clearly almost lost her mind, and needs professional help. Please arrange it for her post haste. That's all I can say.

qwertytlk · 05-02-2012 07:26PM

I definatley agree with all the other advice here- your wife is clearly after having some kind of breakdown and is in need of urgent help. As are your children. You dont say how old they are but im guessing there not even teens yet. They must be absloutley terrified. God love them. And the behaviour your wife has portrayed to you is beyond dangerous, but how do you even know what is going on in the home with your kids when your not there? She could be doing anything? When people are depressed, angry and disturbed as your wife clearly sounds to be, they are literally capable of anything. This is not a safe or stable enviornment for your kids. From the sounds of it your wife is NOT just going to wake up tomorrow and think 'what have i been doing, i better change'. This is not going to stop untill you or someone else puts a stop to it. So for the sake of your kids, and your wife, get her some help by whatever means necessary before there is even more damage done. Or god forbid, irrepairable damage......because as i said, when people are in this state of mind they are capable of ANYTHING. Please dont let this go on any longer. A year is far too long as it is.n

LegacyUser · 05-02-2012 07:57PM

Your marriage is the least of your problems right now. It's your children's safety that must be your first priority. I cannot comprehend why you would leave your children alone with an unstable woman esp. one that has threatened her child with a knife! I am sorry if I sound rude as I am questioning your capability as a father here. If my wife were to ever threaten any of our children like that she would be dealt with immediately and I would expect her to do the same if I were to do that. I don't give a f*** if I have to call the guards or get social services involved. At least they would look at it as me being a responsible parent protecting my children from harm. I think it would be worse to have something serious happen where the authorities get involved and later to find out that you knew about your wife's instability beforehand and did nothing.

Take your children and call the authorities that's plain and simple. Imagine the emotional scars your children are suffering from now by their mother's mental state worsened by a father that is not protecting them.

Katgurl · 06-02-2012 07:28AM

I have nothing new to add except to echo the other posters:

Get the children out and get your wife help. Your focus should be on them, not your affair. They have been very let down; a mother who can't cope and a father who leaves them in a vulnerable situation.

Caraville · 06-02-2012 07:34AM

How on earth can you go about having an affair and all the while your children are living in danger? I understand that your wife is no longer the person you married but you'd want to get your priorities in check- sort out your children's situation before worrying about anything else.

Da Shins Kelly · 06-02-2012 04:10PM

This is a seriously dangerous situation. You need to get your children out of that house and to safety, and you need to alert someone to your wife's situation. She is clearly extremely mentally unstable and your children are in grave danger.

Overheal · 06-02-2012 04:18PM

if I involve the guards, there is no going back and social services will be involved,

My good man, you passed that point of no return a while ago.

davet82 · 06-02-2012 04:26PM

I dont usually post here but i hope by adding another CALL SOMEBODY PROFESSIONAL quickly to get your ass in gear. I've read too many stories about children becoming a victim to a parent obviously suffering from a depression/breakdown through no fault of their own btw. Put the affair on the back burner for a bit and concentrate on your kids, they need you now anyways if she is a good one, she'll wait and understand.

LegacyUser · 08-02-2012 06:10PM

Thank you for all the replies

My wife has gone. To stay with a friend

Today I received a summons in the post for a barring order, I don't know why she is doing this especially since she attacked me and also forced me out of the house at knife point

I'm contacting a solicitor tomorrow

Jenneke87 · 09-02-2012 12:21PM

And are you going to contact social services/gardai as well or just a sollicitor?? Are the children still with their mother whom could still put them in danger or are they somewhere else? Why are you so concerned about yourself when it's your children you should be very worried about:mad:

John Mason · 09-02-2012 01:38PM

where are your children? Have you contacted social services?

I need urgent advise

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