'Friend' and ex

Taz1 · 26-01-2012 10:51AM #1

So my boyfriend of almost 6 years broke up with me out of the blue 5 months ago. It was the hardest thing I had to deal with in my life. But then just as I was beginning to move on somewhat I found out that one of my really good girl friends went and slept with him at the weekend. Baring in mind that this was the first friend to come over and comfort me after the break up, and who constantly told me it would get better.
And now I'm expected to forgive her/him? What do ye al think. I just want to cut ties with both them, disgusted hurt and really angry. Thats like a rule in relationships, you just don't go there.

gmac102 · 26-01-2012 10:57AM

Taz1 wrote: »

So my boyfriend of almost 6 years broke up with me out of the blue 5 months ago. It was the hardest thing I had to deal with in my life. But then just as I was beginning to move on somewhat I found out that one of my really good girl friends went and slept with him at the weekend. Baring in mind that this was the first friend to come over and comfort me after the break up, and who constantly told me it would get better.
And now I'm expected to forgive her/him? What do ye al think. I just want to cut ties with both them, disgusted hurt and really angry. Thats like a rule in relationships, you just don't go there.

yeah i wouldnt stay friends with someone like that, you just do go near friends ex's, thats sneaky!

I am a friend · 26-01-2012 10:58AM

They are both well out if order and her more so. There are plenty of guys out there so she doesn't need to jump your ex... I would not continue to be grinds with either of them.

BraziliaNZ · 26-01-2012 10:58AM

Taz1 wrote: »

So my boyfriend of almost 6 years broke up with me out of the blue 5 months ago. It was the hardest thing I had to deal with in my life. But then just as I was beginning to move on somewhat I found out that one of my really good girl friends went and slept with him at the weekend. Baring in mind that this was the first friend to come over and comfort me after the break up, and who constantly told me it would get better.
And now I'm expected to forgive her/him? What do ye al think. I just want to cut ties with both them, disgusted hurt and really angry. Thats like a rule in relationships, you just don't go there.

You're not expected to forgive anyone. Horrible situation but if I were you I'd never speak to either of them again and try and move on, as difficult as it seems now it will get better in time, it always does.

Taz1 · 26-01-2012 11:43AM

Thanks guys, I'm starting to get annoyed because I seem to be starting to make excuses for them but there really is no excuse for it. And she was such an overpowering friends that sh'e always make me think that she was always in the right, kinda feels like thats happening now... I'm afraid that because she's such an overpowering person that she'll persuade them to see her side of things.
But yeah that seems to be the only solution, and I'm glad to do it..Its awkward though because we're all in the same circle of friends and it'll probably make things a bit more awkward for everyone else, but then again those 2 were the ones whos put everyone in that position not me.

I am a friend · 26-01-2012 12:58PM

I wouldn't lower myself to have a row with her but I would make it known her behaviour was not acceptable to you.

Taz1 · 26-01-2012 01:02PM

I am a friend wrote: »

I wouldn't lower myself to have a row with her but I would make it known her behaviour was not acceptable to you.

how might i go about doing that though?

IrishEyes19 · 26-01-2012 01:09PM

I am a friend, is right. Dont make a scene with her. However if she texts you or you see her, I would say very firmly that you really dont wish to associate with her anymore and to leave you alone.

Id say she'll get the message very quickly.

I am a friend · 26-01-2012 01:14PM

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I am a friend, is right. Dont make a scene with her. However if she texts you or you see her, I would say very firmly that you really dont wish to associate with her anymore and to leave you alone.

Id say she'll get the message very quickly.

Exactly. She is a nasty piece of work so don't give her any opportunity to be able to give out about you. Keep it short and sweet and to the point.

Taz1 · 26-01-2012 10:14PM

ok guys thanks a million. still can't believe it happened!

ButterflyABC · 26-01-2012 10:22PM

What a horrible thing to do. Friends ex boyfriends are off limits, it's just the way it is. I would find it very hard to forgive someone for that. If I were you I wouldn't make a big deal but make it clear that you no longer want to associate with her. Horrible thing to do to you

Taz1 · 27-01-2012 03:40PM

Yeah and the worse thing is our shared friends are still willing to stay friends with her and telling me that they don't want to get involved even though she only came onto the scene in the last year and I've known them for 6 or 7 years. One friend who would be her best friend but still a really good friend of mine hasn't even contacted me since it happened and I just feel like shes up comforting her. Its so unfair because its like shes getting away with it and getting sympathy from them just because they don't want to take sides.
If it was a friend of mine that weren't friends with they'd be fuming but now its like shes getting away with it and its so so annoying.

Chinafoot · 27-01-2012 09:44PM

Taz1 wrote: »

Yeah and the worse thing is our shared friends are still willing to stay friends with her and telling me that they don't want to get involved even though she only came onto the scene in the last year and I've known them for 6 or 7 years

Taz1, what she did was crap but I would strongly advise you to leave your mutual friends out of this. You can't expect them to take sides and completely cut her off, regardless of who has known them longer. Expecting them to stop being her friend is childish.

Taz1 wrote: »

One friend who would be her best friend but still a really good friend of mine hasn't even contacted me since it happened and I just feel like shes up comforting her.

If she is her best friend then maybe she is up comforting her. Then again maybe she hasn't contacted you because she doesn't want to get involved in this mess in any way whatsoever.

Taz1 wrote: »

Its so unfair because its like shes getting away with it and getting sympathy from them just because they don't want to take sides.

How do you know she's getting sympathy? As for her "getting away with it"...listen, she hurt you, not them. Yes it was a horrible thing to do but your friends weren't the ones who went out with him before she slept with him and if they have decided they want to continue to be friends with her and stay out of it then you need to respect that decision. You shouldn't be expected to be her friend but you will be expected to be an adult about the situation.

Taz1 wrote: »

If it was a friend of mine that weren't friends with they'd be fuming but now its like shes getting away with it and its so so annoying.

They're staying out of it because it has nothing to do with them. It being someone they didn't know is an entirely different scenario and really can't be compared.

My advice to you OP, is to try to move on from this girl's behaviour. She isn't your friend and you don't need to be around her. I would suggest you tell your mutual friends that you feel betrayed by her but that you respect their decision to stay out of it. Tell them that you will do your best not to make like difficult as they remain friends with her but that you hope they respect your decision to no longer be her friend.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-01-2012 10:24PM

+1 to Chinafoot!!

I was typing out an almost identical post earlier on my phone, but it was too long so I abandoned it!

Your friends are not at fault here. Also if you haven't spoken to your "ex friend" then you have no idea what, if anything your other friends are saying to her.

It was a horrible thing to do to you - but, it's nothing to do with your friends. They can't take sides, because technically, (friend's rules aside) she and he did nothig wrong. They are both single, I take it. So are free to go out with each other if that is what they both want.

Maybe your friends are steering clear of you because you are obviously very angry, and they don't want to get caught in the cross fire. Also, and I'm sorry to say, but there's only so much "giving out" tou can listen to from one person. So if every conversation you have had with a friend or 2 since this happened is about this, then they are going to start avoiding you.. not because they don't want to support you, but they don't want to get involved.

Your issue is with this girl, and your ex if you choose.. but not with them.

Again, I don't mean to take away from what your friend and ex have done.. but you need to stop blaming your other friends for not reacting to it the same way you have done.

LegacyUser · 28-01-2012 10:39AM

to be honest im going to disagree with chinafoot and bboc. that is an absolutely horrible thing of her to do and if someone did that to me, they'd be out of my life before they knew it! I was always of the mindset that if someone ever did that to my friends I'd cut them out too. After all, they clearly havent got the best idea of how to treat a friend, and if I stayed friends with someone after they treated another friend of mine so horribly I'd feel like I was enabling it and telling him/her what s/he did was okay, which it is not.

But in my experience a lot of people dont have that view and I'd put it down to laziness tbh. Its their own choice and really you probably wont change their minds, but sure you'd be no doubt getting an earful if the situation was reversed

LegacyUser · 28-01-2012 08:36PM

So she slept with your ex at the weekend? Just a ONS?

If it's the start of something beyond a ONS, then that's their destiny playing out, and the only thing you can do is cut contact and move on.

If it was just a ONS, then basically all she got is your leftovers. She has risked/sacraficed your friendship for nothing basically, and your social circle knows all about it. She must be mortified, no? I'd imagine she has also learned her lesson very well.

I wonder did she sleep with him because she was really into him and wants more or was it drunken stupidity? Eitherway, you have the moral high ground here, so save the girl some pity - and don't loose your moral high ground by trying to boss people into excluding her. That could backfire on you. You also don't want your ex hearing your 'possessive' towards him after all this time, right?

Just let the dust settle for now and enjoy the high ground.

Taz1 · 28-01-2012 09:31PM

Ok guys fully take on board all that ye have said and I knew most of what ye said deep inside but I've been so angry that the anger has tended to take over. Thanks for taking the time out to reply.

curlzy · 29-01-2012 02:54PM

Agree with what's been said, stick to the moral high ground, even if people aren't getting involved everyone knows that the pair of them are scummers, leave them to their ****ty reputation and keep your head high, you've done nothing wrong. With regards the anger, get a punching bag or kick the crap out of a pillow, it's surprisingly effective at relieving tension. Big internet *hug*, that was a ****ty thing they did.

Best of luck

Taz1 · 29-01-2012 05:04PM

curlzy wrote: »

Agree with what's been said, stick to the moral high ground, even if people aren't getting involved everyone knows that the pair of them are scummers, leave them to their ****ty reputation and keep your head high, you've done nothing wrong. With regards the anger, get a punching bag or kick the crap out of a pillow, it's surprisingly effective at relieving tension. Big internet *hug*, that was a ****ty thing they did.

Best of luck

Thanks curlzy, I appreciate that! The past day or two I've kinda been having feelings where I'd almost like to talk to him about it, even though we haven't spoken in months, I feel like I could almost make an mends with him because he was such a big part of my life, but not with her, coz shes a skank!

CathyMoran · 29-01-2012 06:12PM

He was single as was your friend - neither of them have any obligation to you or have done anything wrong.

tinkerbell · 29-01-2012 06:34PM

OP, your friend is a total b1tch. When she contacts you again, tell her that she is not the person you thought she was and you do not wish to associate with her ever again, like someone else suggested.

I completely disagree with the "he was single/she was single". Yeah the friend was single but she is supposed to be one of the OP's really good friends! You don't go and sleep with one of your best friend's ex boyfriend. It'd be completely different if things had ended ages ago, the OP was completely over him, had moved on and it wasn't a serious relationship but he only broke up with her 5 months ago and they were going out 6 years! That is a real kick in the face.

Your friend is rotten, don't bother with her. She's not worth your time. As for your friends, all you can do is leave them out of it.

LegacyUser · 29-01-2012 06:41PM

CathyMoran wrote: »

He was single as was your friend - neither of them have any obligation to you or have done anything wrong.

Are you for real?

There's such a thing as friendship and common decency. She hopped into bed with a fella who just dumped her friend after six years.

That is very wrong.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-01-2012 06:54PM

It's all about "she's a total bitch etc etc.... " it took 2 of them. They are all in the same circle, so why she should be more to blame than him?

the OP is considering, after not speaking to him for months, reconciling with him NOW, but not with her friend "because she's a "skank"?

I just don't understand the mentality. If you are angry and upset OP, you should be with BOTH of them, not just her.

He was your bf for 6 years, and then he slept with your friend....

Again, I understand how hurt you are by what they did, but if they end up going out together and getting married.... ??

Taz1 · 29-01-2012 07:48PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's all about "she's a total bitch etc etc.... " it took 2 of them. They are all in the same circle, so why she should be more to blame than him?

the OP is considering, after not speaking to him for months, reconciling with him NOW, but not with her friend "because she's a "skank"?

I just don't understand the mentality. If you are angry and upset OP, you should be with BOTH of them, not just her.

He was your bf for 6 years, and then he slept with your friend....

Again, I understand how hurt you are by what they did, but if they end up going out together and getting married.... ??

It wasn't to say that I'm not extremely upset and annoyed at him I just meant that if I was to reconcile with anyone it would be with him. I had actually been considering talking to him again the very wknd that it happened, ironically. I dunno I probably don't really make sense.

CathyMoran · 29-01-2012 08:02PM

OP, he dumped you. It is easier to avoid ex's for a while after they have left you. Judging by his actions he never wants to get back with you. For your own sake you are better off leaving him in peace. Sorry if I am seeming harsh, I just want you to be able to get over this as soon and as painlessly as possible.

Taz1 · 29-01-2012 08:13PM

CathyMoran wrote: »

OP, he dumped you. It is easier to avoid ex's for a while after they have left you. Judging by his actions he never wants to get back with you. For your own sake you are better off leaving him in peace. Sorry if I am seeming harsh, I just want you to be able to get over this as soon and as painlessly as possible.

I know that but his dumping me was never under bad terms, and I haven't spoken to him in 5 months, didn't think I ever would wanted to have again but for some reason now I kind of do. When he last spoke he said he'd do whatever he could to make sure that we'd stay friends even if it wasn't for a while, and he's told friends on a numerous occasions that he was looking forward to the time when I'd wan to be friends with him again, so I dunno? This is another big part of why what he did hurt so much and why I'm so confused!

CathyMoran · 29-01-2012 08:23PM

Taz1 wrote: »

I know that but his dumping me was never under bad terms, and I haven't spoken to him in 5 months, didn't think I ever would wanted to have again but for some reason now I kind of do. When he last spoke he said he'd do whatever he could to make sure that we'd stay friends even if it wasn't for a while, and he's told friends on a numerous occasions that he was looking forward to the time when I'd wan to be friends with him again, so I dunno? This is another big part of why what he did hurt so much and why I'm so confused!

I just feel that it is easier if you cut contact. I have stayed contact with an ex from just after our split and it hurt. He wants the friendship part without the relationship but when you have been in a relationship with someone it is hard not to look back to the past. I am still not good friends with the ex that I am in contact with and I am very happily married with two children, it is fine by email but we do not hang out.

In terms of your friend - yes, she did hurt you but she is not at fault.

dellas1979 · 29-01-2012 09:40PM

Thats an awful situation to be in OP.

Cathy what if, in imaginary land, you split up with your partner and one of your friends slept with him? How would you feel? Would you say "Its not her fault?" I honestly dont get that. Are friends not supposed to be loyal? Otherwise whats the point of having friends?

OP the smartest thing you can do now is hold your tongue. As hard as it is now, because in a little bit of time, I guarantee without doubt, the others in the group will turn on her. If you start talking about her/bitching, that will only add fuel to the fire. Guarantee eventually they will start talking to you about her. Leave her off to her own devices at the moment. I would say it is almost out of shock at the moment that the group are acting like this. People will have opinions on this, just let them come out.

LegacyUser · 29-01-2012 09:46PM

CathyMoran wrote: »

I just feel that it is easier if you cut contact. I have stayed contact with an ex from just after our split and it hurt. He wants the friendship part without the relationship but when you have been in a relationship with someone it is hard not to look back to the past. I am still not good friends with the ex that I am in contact with and I am very happily married with two children, it is fine by email but we do not hang out.

In terms of your friend - yes, she did hurt you but she is not at fault.

Sorry but I really don't agree. The friend IS at fault. He is aswell of course, but I don't agree with the people saying that the friend is not at any fault.
The ex is a single man the last 5 or 6 months, so as a single man can sleep with other people. Choosing to sleep with his ex's close friend is tacky and unthoughtful in the extreme though, hence why he is in the wrong too.
However, the girl is a really close friend of the OP's, and whilst COMFORTING the OP over the split and telling her "things will get better", she then goes of and shags the very ex she was comforting the OP over!
Disgusting, sneaky, underhand and selfish behaviour. Makes me think she might have always had a thing for the Op's ex, and is now jumping on that chance with complete disregard for her friend's feelings, all the while giving false comfort and consoling to the OP.
I can't decide which of them are worse the ex or the friend? Probably both as bad as each other. Tacky, selfish, distasteful people the two of them.

OP I think that you "suddenly" want to rekindle your friendship with the ex, simply to possibly get to/annoy that girl who was meant to be your friend. Kinda like saying, "me and him get along great still, whereas you were just a cheap one night stand."
It might even be a subconscious thing. Do yourself a favour and don't bother lowering yourself by having anything to do with either of them again. All it will do is inflate his ego.

Taz1 · 29-01-2012 10:47PM

dellas1979 wrote: »

Thats an awful situation to be in OP.

Cathy what if, in imaginary land, you split up with your partner and one of your friends slept with him? How would you feel? Would you say "Its not her fault?" I honestly dont get that. Are friends not supposed to be loyal? Otherwise whats the point of having friends?

OP the smartest thing you can do now is hold your tongue. As hard as it is now, because in a little bit of time, I guarantee without doubt, the others in the group will turn on her. If you start talking about her/bitching, that will only add fuel to the fire. Guarantee eventually they will start talking to you about her. Leave her off to her own devices at the moment. I would say it is almost out of shock at the moment that the group are acting like this. People will have opinions on this, just let them come out.

Thanks dellas, that makes sense, to be honest all, except one of the girls in the group (who's her best friend) have always been the tiniest bit wary of her so I'm hoping this will make them even warier.

Taz1 · 29-01-2012 10:56PM

At fault too wrote: »

Sorry but I really don't agree. The friend IS at fault. He is aswell of course, but I don't agree with the people saying that the friend is not at any fault.
The ex is a single man the last 5 or 6 months, so as a single man can sleep with other people. Choosing to sleep with his ex's close friend is tacky and unthoughtful in the extreme though, hence why he is in the wrong too.
However, the girl is a really close friend of the OP's, and whilst COMFORTING the OP over the split and telling her "things will get better", she then goes of and shags the very ex she was comforting the OP over!
Disgusting, sneaky, underhand and selfish behaviour. Makes me think she might have always had a thing for the Op's ex, and is now jumping on that chance with complete disregard for her friend's feelings, all the while giving false comfort and consoling to the OP.
I can't decide which of them are worse the ex or the friend? Probably both as bad as each other. Tacky, selfish, distasteful people the two of them.

OP I think that you "suddenly" want to rekindle your friendship with the ex, simply to possibly get to/annoy that girl who was meant to be your friend. Kinda like saying, "me and him get along great still, whereas you were just a cheap one night stand."
It might even be a subconscious thing. Do yourself a favour and don't bother lowering yourself by having anything to do with either of them again. All it will do is inflate his ego.

I agree, fair enough he's single and can sleep with whoever he wants but he could have got with anyone else! He knew that going there would have consequences on a lot of people.
When I think back on it now, she definately had a thing for him the entire time, shes really boisterous and would do stuff like grab his private parts and make 'funny comments' or make rude gestures about what she'd do to him , and she'd do the same to other guys in the group, but definately more so to him, all time reassuring me with a 'you know I'm only messing and would never actually go there right?'. And I gave her the benefit of teh doubt every time.
Although it doesnt' seem like a reason to me, you're right that could be subconciously why.

'Friend' and ex

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