images in head causing anxiety

LegacyUser · 20-03-2011 11:44PM #1

I posted before under 'final image'. It's been 7 and a half months now since my brother died and I am crying less, but still not sleeping well and experiencing pretty severe anxiety regulary; my heart rate increases and I shake and I have awful pictures in my mind. i still cannot get the image of him lying there at the mortuary out of my mind and also for a bizarre reason, I keep imagining how he looked when he was found, thanks to the detailed description that the police passed on. I can't think of anything happy about him, and it is affecting my every day life. I am more anxious than ever before about my own children. i think all parents fear their child's death, but I am actually imagining them lying there. It is disturbing me no end! Also whenever the tv is on, if anything remotely resembling his death, or linked to it comes on, I shake and now I am getting nervous about what is on at night, flicking channels it all seems like violence and death and I am so hyper sensitive to watch anything bad.The worst thing of all, is because it was an unusual death, I can't talk about it to anyone, apart from my OH. It is eating me up inside.

Outwardly on a daily basis I am fine, but when I have a moment to myself, or every night when I lie down in bed it starts off again.

Is this normal, or do I need to seek therapy? (which, incidentally I can't afford really).I just thought I should maybe be healing a bit by now, and not having these thoughts. I wish I never went to the funeral parlour and saw him like that.

Rubberlegs · 21-03-2011 02:54PM

So sorry for what you are going through:(. My circumstances are totally different than yours. But I do know what you mean about not being able to get the image of your brother out of your head. I lost my Dad four months ago to a very short battle with cancer, I find it very hard to get the image of him wasted away at the end and the image of him lying dying in hospital, out of my head. Night time is the worst time , isn't it? I too, don't sleep well and have weird dreams. I go to therapy and find it a great benefit. Its helping me put things into perspectve and deal with it a bit better. This is from a Cancer Foundation though, so is free, otherwise I wouldn't be going. It is worth going to your GP, maybe there is the option of therapy if you have a medical card, or at least something affordable? Please don't be hard on yourself. It is hard enough to see a loved one's body, without the unusual circumstances that occurred in your experience. Take care.

LegacyUser · 22-03-2011 03:27PM

that is so tough, i'm so sorry for your loss. it sounds like a horrendous experience, i understand slightly because my partners father passed away recently and when i think of him all i see is him dying, and it was horrible. obviously it is so much worse for you given the circumstances and it was your brother. i would say what you are experiencing is normal, it was very very traumatic to go through that. don't put yourself under pressure by saying you should be healing, shouldn't be having these thoughts etc. this stuff can't be rushed, and you will heal in time but 7 months is a very short space of time really. i would check with your gp about counselling though, it could be a big help to talk it out with someone, hopefully the gp might know some low cost bereavment counselling service near you. take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to grieve.

ziltwo · 22-03-2011 03:42PM

devastated wrote: »

I posted before under 'final image'. It's been 7 and a half months now since my brother died and I am crying less, but still not sleeping well and experiencing pretty severe anxiety regulary; my heart rate increases and I shake and I have awful pictures in my mind. i still cannot get the image of him lying there at the mortuary out of my mind and also for a bizarre reason, I keep imagining how he looked when he was found, thanks to the detailed description that the police passed on. I can't think of anything happy about him, and it is affecting my every day life. I am more anxious than ever before about my own children. i think all parents fear their child's death, but I am actually imagining them lying there. It is disturbing me no end! Also whenever the tv is on, if anything remotely resembling his death, or linked to it comes on, I shake and now I am getting nervous about what is on at night, flicking channels it all seems like violence and death and I am so hyper sensitive to watch anything bad.The worst thing of all, is because it was an unusual death, I can't talk about it to anyone, apart from my OH. It is eating me up inside.

Outwardly on a daily basis I am fine, but when I have a moment to myself, or every night when I lie down in bed it starts off again.

Is this normal, or do I need to seek therapy? (which, incidentally I can't afford really).I just thought I should maybe be healing a bit by now, and not having these thoughts. I wish I never went to the funeral parlour and saw him like that.

first of all let me say that I am so sorry for your loss and I can identify with you a little bit. I lost my husband a month ago, although we were separated, my grief is huge and we have two beautiful children. He was dead a few days before anybody found him and because an autopsy had to be preformed; more days passed. I will never forget seeing him the way I did; we had to close the coffin and his poor young children couldn't even say goodbye to him properly. I, like you have terrible images in my head but what helped me was I got all the picture albums out and put his picture up around me to remind me of the person he was. I also went to see my doctor with my anxiety. for me its still early days and everything is raw. but I do wish you well and hope things will get better for you. sending you a hug xx

dozydora · 12-05-2011 07:15PM

Its only 7 and a half months. How could you possibly be ok. I have no idea of what happened to your brother but obviously you are in shock. All of what you are experiencing seems to go with the territory. I lost my 23 yr old son to a tragic drowning accident. Like you I went into shock and experienced panic attacks which is what I think you are suffering from. I imagined all sorts of things happening to my other two children. To this day I put on my mask (my face for all the people who think I should be over it by now) and pretend that I am ok. It is six years now and I still get panic attacks on and off. Dont berate yourself for being like this. You are more than entitled. There are no rules to follow. Just do whatever feels right at the time and don't let anybody tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. Nobody knows how you are feeling, only you, and nobody understands what you are going through only someone who has been through it themselves, even though you will get all those people telling you 'time heals' and all the rest of that crap. Just do whatever feels right for you at the time, whether that be crying, screaming, running away, whatever. I hope I haven't upset you rather than help you which is what I am trying to do. This is no time for being a hero just being human. I wish you well.

LegacyUser · 12-05-2011 08:49PM

I'm 3 years 4 months on from losing my beloved dad in extremely traumatic manner and like you, I can't stop picturing him as he lay there at the end.

It does become a bit less frequent with time, I've learned to change the image to a positive one when it enters my mind, but it's night time and when I sleep that I suffer most. I have dreams/nightmares nightly, picture him there and wishing I could help but unable to.

It's horrible. I just try to get on with it but it's not easy.

I was unable to afford therapy and couldn't get a medical card but if there was any way I could do therapy, I would. I hope someday to be able to do it and learn to deal with my feelings about my dad's death better.

Good luck, seek any help you can. I know how hard it is and you are not alone. All around you, there are people in similar situations.

Big hugs.

LegacyUser · 05-06-2011 09:22PM

Hi everyone, I lost my brother 6 months ago and these past few days have me feeling particularly sad and upset. I too am imagining him as we last saw him in the mortuary which is difficult. Whats worse is that we are still waiting for the results from the post mortem to determine the cause of death. He was only 41. for 7 weeks after he died I was very distressed and was almost suidical which shocked me. Then I got slowly better and the tremendous feelings of grief are returning all of a sudden. Is this normal? I have numerous siblings that I can't talk to about this as they all seem to be doing fine, I think that I have become very withdrawn from everybody apart from a couple of close friends.

My heart goes out to everyone experiencing the loss of a loved one, nothing can prepare you for the pain and the numerous feelings, emotions and images in the aftermath.

M

dozydora · 06-06-2011 01:49PM

First let me say how truly sad I am for your loss.
Dont imagine that there are any right or wrong or normal feeling you should be having. How could anything be normal when this tragedy is most abnormal, how could it be normal for someone of 41 years to be dead. I lost my son to an accident six years ago at the age of 23 so I know what I am talking about. You say all your siblings appear to be ok and are coping. Dont be fooled. We all did it. I pretended to my children that I was ok and my children pretended to me that they were ok, all in an effort not to upset the other, and guess what? It turned out we were all feeling the same. You have days when you feel you are totaly insane and days when you feel almost normal and days when you feel nothing at all. The nothing at all days are the most dangerous but having said that I am still here six years on. It has been a hard and lonely road, it almost destroyed us but my children and I have survived. We will never recover from it nor will we ever understand why us, why or son, brother,grandson, nephew and friend, all the thingss your brother would have been to different people. I wish I could advise you of ways to make it better but unfortunately I cant. All I can say is that there are no rules to follow and you just have to deal with it in whatever way you feel is right for you, even if this means changing tactics each and every day. Just do whatever you feel will get you through that day and deal with the next as it comes.
My heart is so sad for you and for everyone in your situation today. I wish you well and hope that someday we will all get our lives back to some sort of normality. Take care.

LegacyUser · 06-06-2011 02:33PM

Thankd D,

Your reply post has me in tears sitting at my desk in work... Yeah I think you are right about the others, I also think that I avoid them to avoid the pain in case the conversation comes up. I get great peace at the graveside so I will go there. My youngest brother is in his early twenties and I couldn't imagine him not being around so my heart is breaking for how you must be feeling. My daughter is 20 and she is my life again she and my mother are the reason that I am able to continue. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, at this stage, it difficult to be bringing up how I feel to friends because they were just so good to me at the time that I don't want to burden them :-)

Darthhoob · 10-06-2011 01:34AM

awww hun, i know we've spoken a bit in private as my brother died about the same time and was similar circumstances...and although i found the funeral parlour viewing gave me a little bit of peace in a way i can understand how it doesn't not for many others x but then i saw my brother before they took him away too so at the viewing he did look 'better'

i also have horrible images in my head back from when my mum died, she had a massive stroke just over 8 years ago and, god i've started crying already lol. she was on a ventilator, they asked us if we'd like it to be turned off cos they gave her no chance of survival, they said she'd be around for 15 mins max when taken off. we decided to take her off and 20HOURS later she finally slipped away...and during all that time we were by her side...watching her die, laboured breathing and had to leave the room for nurse to clean her nose up every so often cos her brain had bled so much

. infact it was during this time she had died...when we were out the room and the nurse forgot to come get us! for 20hours one of us was ALWAYS there, the moment she was alone she slipped away. i still have that image AND the thoughts of my brother in my head when i am alone to think....which happens to be when trying to sleep or in the house on my own and kids in bed. i'd say it was pretty normal but i cannot say it is healthy? i know i am making myself sick with the not sleeping and the state of my house and myself is getting worse cos of the depression and tiredness and i know i need to sort myself out and see someone about it all but i dont know what to say or where to start? (weirdly cos i amanged to type some of it here? lol)

my other brother and my dad have me down as some sort of emotional robot because of the fact i am able to hide my true feelings. even when i visited dad recently and went into my brother's old room, that he was found dead in, and broke down...he has no idea cos i cleaned up and went back downstairs and acted as normal. i imagine it could be similar for your family? people have a tendancy to try and be strong for others and tbh i think that is what bit me on the arse. i went for weeks of feeling numb, to then feeling sad...and now we've had his inquest i feel downright depressed and cannot function in life atm

i think you should perhaps seek some help (yes i know i need to as well lol x) i know it will cost you money but this is your mental health here...you cannot put a price on that? perhaps try to save up a bit, make it top of your list

i think you are definately normal, we all experience grief in different ways and i've known people to experience it in similar ways to you and me x you know where i am if you ever need to talk x x i know i waffle on alot though heh x

LegacyUser · 10-06-2011 05:09PM

Thanks DarthHoob, I have sent you an email.

I can't believe it has just gone 10 months now and still no easier. My head is so messed up. I havent even been able to look at any photos of him yet.

It's all so wrong, what happened to your Mum and our Brothers.

I sound depressed, but I am getting through the days as normally as possible. It's the nights when my mind won't shut down.

Darthhoob · 11-06-2011 04:24AM

it's 4.20am and i am still awake lol, seems the norm for me atm to be up at this ungodly hour...and with 3 kids, it's not a barrel of laughs

being alone with our thoughts is when it all happens....life and kids tend to keep us busy during the day.

i spose it doesn't help that one of my pet rats died tonight (ewww rats i hear peeps say lol, but a much loved pet all the same)

hope you managed to get some sleep tonight x

NIMAN · 20-06-2011 10:10PM

My father died with me many years ago, and suffered several heart attacks near the end which were very painful to watch. He had also got very failed and weak, and looked a lot older than his 55yrs.

For a long time I could not get those images out of my head and thoughts. I often wish I had not been there and not witnessed the end. But then other family members said they envied my presence at my fathers last moments, and in time I began to feel privileged to have been there with him at the end.

So although I too have the bad images, I do find now that the happy times and good images come to the fore when I think about my dad.

Hopefully you will learn to do the same.

images in head causing anxiety

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