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Bridesmaid ettiquette?

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  • 17-02-2011 9:21pm
    #1
    the legends
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭


    What are the standard things you are expected to pay for/provide for bridesmaids and are there specific jobs they are required to do?

    Sorry-new to all this & looking for advice?


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    #2
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,912 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Generally you'd pay for their dress, shoes, bouquet and accessories. Basically whatever they have to wear on the big day that you're choosing, you pay for. Generally you'd cover the cost of hair also and if you're getting a makeup artist they'd usually be expected to do the bridesmaids too.

    For my own wedding we paid for their dresses, shoes, bags, little jacket things to go over the dresses, hairstyles and bouquets. I didn't use a makeup artist, we all did our own makeup, which suited us because we all perferred to do it ourselves. We also paid for their accommodation for the night of the wedding, because the hotel was a bit away from where we live.

    I was a bridesmaid at a wedding before where we paid for our own shoes, but we got to choose the shoes, so that was grand with me because I could choose something that I could wear again. If the bridesmaids are wearing shoes that you choose or shoes that are made to match their dresses then it would be a bit unfair to ask them to pay for them because they'd probably never wear them again.

    My sister in law was asked to be a bridesmaid and the bride basically expected them to pay for everything. She said she'd pay €200 towards the dresses and that was it, because she was trying to 'keep costs down'. That would have been fine only the dresses she chose were €350 each or something. My SIL ended up dropping out as a bridesmaid after she found this out (she made up an excuse) because after she totted up all she'd need to get she'd be out of pocket by hundreds of euro, not to mention the cost of actually attending the wedding, and bridezilla was also expecting presents. She just couldn't afford it.

    As regards jobs for the bridesmaids, in the run up to the day they'd usually help organise the hen party, help the bride dress shopping and such, go to the fittings, and maybe help write/make invitations and mass booklets. On the day they'd help keep the bride calm, help get her dressed, hold her bouquet/train/handbag as needed throughout the day, perhaps help her with getting to the bathroom (depending on how many layers of dress there are, she might need a bit of help), help her 'bustle up' her dress for the evening, they'd also help rounding up guests for the photographs and basically any little random things the bride needs during the day. In my case my poor bridesmaids had to tie my shoelaces a good few times, since I wore runners with ribbons for laces :)


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    #3
    janbaby
    Closed Accounts Posts: 234 ✭✭janbaby


    My wedding is in Sept and I paid for the dresses, I'm going to pay for hair and make up and any accessories on the day including the bouquet. i didn't pay for the shoes cos I said they can pick any ones they want themselves. The dresses are long and I'm not bothered about matching shoes.
    I'm paying for accommodation on the night of the wedding and getting them a present. I'm thinking about a nice dressy watch from Newbridge Silverware or something like that.


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    #4
    Heineken Helen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 636 ✭✭✭Heineken Helen


    I bought their dresses (£80 each)and their bouquets(25euro each). They will do their own make up and do eachothers hair since they're all a dab hand with the straighteners... my hairdresser will spend a few minutes on each doing the finishing touches! Their dresses are long blue so I've asked them to wear silver shoes - most people have a pair anyway or if not they're fairly cheap. They got their own accommodation!

    OP spend what you can afford. My friend getting married next Nov asked all her bm's to chip in £50 each. I guess just be understanding to their needs and your needs too.


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    #5
    gillybean
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭gillybean


    I think it's absolutely shocking to ask a BM to pay for anything. It's not like you are doing them a favour by asking them to do it. A lot of girls feel like they have to do it for the person. I'm getting married in December and I'm having my two best friends. I'll be paying for the dresses, shoes, hair and make up and obviously the bouquets. I'll also buy them a gift for doing it. I won't pay for tans as I have asked my girls not to get them as I won't have one. I think asking them to pay for anything is pure rude.


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    #6
    missmoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 51 ✭✭missmoo


    when i got married i paid for the dresses and flowers. the shoes they bought themselves as i didn't mind what style they were as long as they were silver. we did our own make-up and hair we each paid for our own as they just had it blow dried. i bought their accessories as part of their BM gift.


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    #7
    newbride11
    Closed Accounts Posts: 28 ✭newbride11


    For both my sisters weddings they bought the dresses, flowers, upstyles & make up. They bought jewellery for us to wear on the day & have as a keepsake which I thought was a lovely idea. Now the jewellery wasn't expensive or anything but it was a lovely gesture & I have worn them many times since.

    We all had our own shoes, silver goes with everything!

    To be honest I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for a dress, flowers, hair or make up. I'm very lucky that my best friend is a make up artist who specialises in wedding make up so she will kill me if I try to pay her for her services but I'll be getting her a very generous present as a thank you. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.


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    #8
    snuggles09
    Registered Users Posts: 711 ✭✭✭snuggles09


    can only reiterate what was said above

    i'm only having one bridesmaid, my sister, and i'm buying dress, shoes (though she can choose what she wants), hair, make up and bouquet

    am also buying jewellery for her which she can keep as a keepsake and am putting herself and all her family up in the hotel that night also

    i wouldnt expect her to be out of pocket for anything


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    #9
    newbride11
    Closed Accounts Posts: 28 ✭newbride11


    snuggles09 wrote: »
    can only reiterate what was said above

    i'm only having one bridesmaid, my sister, and i'm buying dress, shoes (though she can choose what she wants), hair, make up and bouquet

    am also buying jewellery for her which she can keep as a keepsake and am putting herself and all her family up in the hotel that night also

    i wouldnt expect her to be out of pocket for anything


    I paid for my hotel room each time. To be honest I wouldn't have expected anything else but the hotel is close to where I live so I could always have gone home if I couldn't afford it.

    I can't remember what I paid at the time but I know I got discount as I was part of the bridal party.

    Did you enquire about getting your parents rooms for free on the night of the wedding?
    I've seen this on some hotel websites & it might not be any harm to ask or even demand :D

    I have to say this forum is fantastic, I'm really wising up since I came here!


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    #10
    the legends
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭the legends


    Thanks for all the info... still sorting stuff. keep you posted. Has anyone heard of of dealt with Dresslicious for BM Dresses?


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    #11
    John Mason
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    when i was BM, the bride and groom paid for my flowers and my dinner.

    i bought my own dress, shoes etc., done my own hair and make up :)


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    #12
    Kooli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Kooli


    gillybean wrote: »
    I won't pay for tans as I have asked my girls not to get them as I won't have one. I think asking them to pay for anything is pure rude.

    Well I think it's pretty rude (well, more bridezilla-ish) to tell them they can't wear fake tan if they want to!!

    OP, I think that most people pay for what they wear on the day and maybe a gift.
    Optional extras are hair/make-up/tan/nails (I just paid for hair and make up), and the hotel room (I didn't pay for this).

    And if you go on weddingsonline.ie you will hear many rave reviews for dresselicious!


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    #13
    LBD
    Registered Users Posts: 290 ✭✭LBD


    I am getting married in July and paying for dresses, hair, makeup, flowers and accessories and will be giving them a gift each. I am having four bridesmaids and two of them are insisting on paying for their own shoes and two I will be paying for which is fine I had budgeted to pay for all.

    With regards to accomodation personally I disagree with paying for this.....when I was a bridesmaid for my friend she tried to offer and I was mortified. If she hadn't asked me to be her bridesmaid I would still have attended the wedding as she is a good friend and would have paid for my own accomodation!! Just like my bridesmaids....if I hadn't asked all of them to be BM for me they still would have been invited......would I have had to pay for their accomodation then? This seems to be a matter of opinion though so go with your gut on that.

    As previous posters have said OP just work within your budget and make sure it's fairly clear early on who's paying for what. That way there can be no confusion later on in the planning when you're stressed to the nines ;-)


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    #14
    EricPraline
    Registered Users Posts: 486 ✭✭EricPraline


    Kooli wrote: »
    Well I think it's pretty rude (well, more bridezilla-ish) to tell them they can't wear fake tan if they want to!!
    To be fair there's a good reason for this. In photos if you have a pale bride without fake tan (understandable if she doesn't want to ruin her dress) and a bridesmaid who is plastered in fake tan, then it's not going to benefit either of them when it comes to photos. To be blunt, the bride will look like death warmed-up, and the bridesmaid will look like an oompah-loompah. There is a good reason for coordinating this kind of thing.


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    #15
    cyning
    Registered Users Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭cyning


    the legends wrote: »
    Thanks for all the info... still sorting stuff. keep you posted. Has anyone heard of of dealt with Dresslicious for BM Dresses?

    I have! I've ordered mine from there and I have ordered dresses for myself from there for weddings (as a guest). I can't reccomend them highly enough: the quality is good and they look like they do in the photos. Definately up a dress size though because they are small fitting! Great price too!

    I'm paying for my bridesmaids dresses, jewellery, accomodation, fake tan make up and hair. I amn't paying for shoes for two reasons: one of my bmaid's (although I love her to bits) moans: and at least if her shoes don't fit she can't complain to me that her feet hurt (as much anyway!). ALso both of them have moved countries so shoe shopping is out of the question! The dresses are long so i told them to wear their own silver sandles!


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    #16
    AvonEnniskerry
    Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭AvonEnniskerry


    I think honestly, you pay for what you request specifically from the bridesmaids.... Originally I didn't mind paying for everything and then I realised just how much I would have to fork out. circumstances changed, i changed jobs and the fella lost his so I have since arranged for the bridesmaids to help eachother out with there make up and for them to sort out there own hair. (as it does not bother me how they do it)
    I do not want my bridesamids to all lookalike. they are still individuals and I think they should bring that into the wedding. I got them dresses, shoes and flowers. I am paying for there dinner and everyone elses. since when did weddings become such a money racket??


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    #17
    Kooli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Kooli


    EricPraline wrote: »
    To be fair there's a good reason for this. In photos if you have a pale bride without fake tan (understandable if she doesn't want to ruin her dress) and a bridesmaid who is plastered in fake tan, then it's not going to benefit either of them when it comes to photos. To be blunt, the bride will look like death warmed-up, and the bridesmaid will look like an oompah-loompah. There is a good reason for coordinating this kind of thing.

    OK well I guess you should make sure they're not prettier than you too, then. That would look terrible in photos.


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    #18
    aoione
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭aoione


    I am currently mulling over all the expenses and duties of the bridesmaid.. BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY ONE!! :P My big sister is getting married and has been so good to me and a rock of support all my life. I don't have much money but we chose everything together-from shoes to dress to eyeshadow colour-and we were both very happy with everything so I want to pay for most things. I gave her the majority of money for the shoes and for the trial hairdo and I want to pay for half the dress because I will definitely wear it again and again... am I going overboard in wanting to pay for so much?Will she be offended and could it start a row? It's just the two of us and my niece (her daughter) in the "official" bridal party so I don't want her to think I'm fleecing her or, in the complete opposite direction, not paying my way. Would a bride consider it insulting or do they generally expect to pay for everything that goes with the bridesmaid?? So confused!! :confused:


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    #19
    Daisy M
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    aoione wrote: »
    I am currently mulling over all the expenses and duties of the bridesmaid.. BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY ONE!! :P My big sister is getting married and has been so good to me and a rock of support all my life. I don't have much money but we chose everything together-from shoes to dress to eyeshadow colour-and we were both very happy with everything so I want to pay for most things. I gave her the majority of money for the shoes and for the trial hairdo and I want to pay for half the dress because I will definitely wear it again and again... am I going overboard in wanting to pay for so much?Will she be offended and could it start a row? It's just the two of us and my niece (her daughter) in the "official" bridal party so I don't want her to think I'm fleecing her or, in the complete opposite direction, not paying my way. Would a bride consider it insulting or do they generally expect to pay for everything that goes with the bridesmaid?? So confused!! :confused:
    I think when its your sister who has been in your words " really good to you and a rock of support" you need to stop stressing, do your best for your sister if you can afford to help out do so if you cant explain why I am sure she knows better than anyone else what your circumstances are. Things dont have to be all about money think of ways you can help her out, maybe mind your neice if she needs to get things done, help out with the seating plan if there is one, you could offer to collect/drop off things for her, I would far more appreciate this than money. If you are getting a gift it doesnt need to cost a lot try and make sure it is something they will like, maybe a wedding book that everyone at the reception could sign, or buy a fancy box and fill it with memorbilla from the day, a wedding invitation, press a few flowers from one of the bouquets, table favours, wedding menu, photos ect.
    Stop thinking of your sister as the bride and start thinking of her as herself and you wont go to far wrong. Enjoy the wedding I am sure the last thing she wants is you stressing!:)


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    #20
    aoione
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭aoione


    is mise astra wrote: »
    I think when its your sister who has been in your words " really good to you and a rock of support" you need to stop stressing, do your best for your sister if you can afford to help out do so if you cant explain why I am sure she knows better than anyone else what your circumstances are. Things dont have to be all about money think of ways you can help her out, maybe mind your neice if she needs to get things done, help out with the seating plan if there is one, you could offer to collect/drop off things for her, I would far more appreciate this than money. If you are getting a gift it doesnt need to cost a lot try and make sure it is something they will like, maybe a wedding book that everyone at the reception could sign, or buy a fancy box and fill it with memorbilla from the day, a wedding invitation, press a few flowers from one of the bouquets, table favours, wedding menu, photos ect.
    Stop thinking of your sister as the bride and start thinking of her as herself and you wont go to far wrong. Enjoy the wedding I am sure the last thing she wants is you stressing!:)

    Thanks so much for your help-The wedding box idea is a fantastic one, she'd love something like that. Thanks again,this has really been a big help. :)


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    #21
    missgroovy21
    Registered Users Posts: 138 ✭✭missgroovy21


    you buy what you can afford.....dress obviously!!!! and flowers.....most peopel prefer doin der own make up anyways....hair optional maybe if you can get a good deal? and if your not fussy about the shoes get them to get der own and if they wanna stay over then they would pay same as any other guest would....


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    #22
    watna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,367 ✭✭✭✭watna


    I'm paying for my bridesmaids' dresses, hair, make-up, jewellery and flowers. I'm thinking of getting them to get their own shoes though, just telling them to buy ivory/cream coloured ones that they like. They're all so different I couldn't pick shoes for them! The dresses are short though so would it look weird that they are wearing different shoes? I've picked a colour of dress and told them they can have any style in that colour, as long as it's short or cocktail length so I'm thinking different shoes won't matter as much.


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    #23
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,912 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    I reckon different shoes will look grand. I think people look better in shoes/outfits they're comfortable in, and it's better to have the outfits slightly different and the bridesmaids comfortable rather than identical outfits and uncomfortable bridesmaids :)


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    #24
    watna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,367 ✭✭✭✭watna


    Thanks Toots - they range in age from 13 - 29 so I doubt I'd find something to suit them all! I think you're right, better for them to be comfortable.


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