Feeling guilty about my wedding abroad

DC31 · 27-03-2011 04:02AM #1

As the title suggests I'm getting married abroad in a couple of months. Almost 70 guests are flying out with us. Some for a week and some for 4 nights. I'm just blown away that so many have decided to do so.

But over the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling so guilty about the expense it's putting everyone to. The flights have come in around €200 pp and accommodation another €45 pp per night. The majority of my friends are coming for the 4 night option so you're looking at €380 per person for a 4 day stay in Italy.

It's like stating the obvious to mention the strain everyone's under at the minute regarding finance and I'm just feeling like an absolute sh!te for putting people under the pressure. I mean, it's not like I held a gun to anyone's head to come, but at the same time, I'm sure they all have things they could be better spending their money on. And I hate to think of any silent resentment they may be feeling.

Oh, I don't even know why I'm posting as I don't know what anyone can do or say. It's done now. I just wish I didn't feel so lousy in the run up to what should be a really happy period in my life.

Hindsight is 20:20 and all that

Vodkat · 27-03-2011 04:23AM

DC31 wrote: »

As the title suggests I'm getting married abroad in a couple of months. Almost 70 guests are flying out with us. Some for a week and some for 4 nights. I'm just blown away that so many have decided to do so.

But over the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling so guilty about the expense it's putting everyone to. The flights have come in around €200 pp and accommodation another €45 pp per night. The majority of my friends are coming for the 4 night option so you're looking at €380 per person for a 4 day stay in Italy.

It's like stating the obvious to mention the strain everyone's under at the minute regarding finance and I'm just feeling like an absolute sh!te for putting people under the pressure. I mean, it's not like I held a gun to anyone's head to come, but at the same time, I'm sure they all have things they could be better spending their money on. And I hate to think of any silent resentment they may be feeling.

Oh, I don't even know why I'm posting as I don't know what anyone can do or say. It's done now. I just wish I didn't feel so lousy in the run up to what should be a really happy period in my life.

Hindsight is 20:20 and all that

Op you havnt forced anyone to come to the wedding and im sure if they couldnt afford it they wouldnt go. But maybe to put your mind at ease you could suggest for guest not to buy wedding presents or give money in cards. That would be another €50-300 on a gift, on top of the money already spend on flights and accomodation.

TheChevron · 27-03-2011 12:20PM

We were getting married abroad but changed it for the reasons you mentioned above. We didnt feel it was fair on friends and family to have to incur all that cost. Its pretty costly, especially in the times were in, I knew a few friends would be seriously under pressure trying to make it.

We are now getting married at home. I feel really happy about our decision.

Phoenix Park · 27-03-2011 12:23PM

That helps

gbee · 27-03-2011 12:26PM

Ad you say the thing is done now, so stop worrying. It's not like an emergency where they have to fly out at an hours notice.

it's now part of the adventure and not such a big cost as they know it's coming and have already planned for it.

Put this though out of your mind.

ana_conda · 27-03-2011 01:44PM

Lots of people get married abroad. It's the way I would like to do it simply because I don't want to get married in the rain!

Your not the first and it's a growing trend. I know the cost is nearly 400 for 4 days but that's not too far off what people would pay to attend a wedding here. Really the only extra cost is the 200 for the flight.

Maybe (if you can afford to) strongly suggest that you want NO gifts! It's how I intend on relieving some of my guilt (if and when I do it)

Also I'm pretty sure that you really didn't put pressure on these people to attend, so it was their decision. I'm sure most of your guest are looking forward to it and it really sound like a lot of them are going to treat this as their holiday.

Even if there are guests who silently resent the money, they will get over it when they have a blast! Go and have an amazing wedding and forget about it!

kandr10 · 27-03-2011 02:55PM

OP, no one is going to fork out the money to go abroad and silently resent it! If they didn't want to be there they wouldn't go. It is only to Italy, it's not that far so people don't have to stay for 4 nights. The fact they are means they've no probs with it. You should defo try to enjoy the run up to your wedding and count yourself lucky you have so many friends and family willing to travel

Daisy03 · 27-03-2011 05:05PM

Try and think of it in the way that your guests could use the trip as a holiday. Despite the recession people are still going on summer holidays and if they are feeling pressure financially then this trip could be that holiday. Try not to worry.

iguana · 27-03-2011 05:14PM

I agree with Vodkat's suggestion. Make it clear to everyone that their presence is your present and that you don't want any gifts. €760 per couple is a lot, with spending money for meals and drinks it is pushing it in the range of €1000. Not having to purchase a gift/give cash will be a drop in the ocean of their expenditure on the wedding, but it would go a very, very long way in terms of easing any resentment that people might feel.

kandr10 · 27-03-2011 05:53PM

iguana wrote: »

I agree with Vodkat's suggestion. Make it clear to everyone that their presence is your present and that you don't want any gifts. €760 per couple is a lot, with spending money for meals and drinks it is pushing it in the range of €1000. Not having to purchase a gift/give cash will be a drop in the ocean of their expenditure on the wedding, but it would go a very, very long way in terms of easing any resentment that people might feel.

I totally agree that asking guests not to give gifts is a great idea. I'd do that even if the wedding wasn't abroad tbh. However the guests have clearly made the decision as to whether or not they can afford it and I'm sure they factored in their spending money etc. So I'd just stress to OP that they've made the decision themselves and whether us boardies think it's expensive is beside the point. Your guests are happy to go so enjoy yourselves

Cellygirl · 27-03-2011 09:07PM

Try not to worry. The sheer fact that 70 people have booked flights and hotels to come to your wedding speaks VOLUMES. Honest to God, they wouldn't have accepted your invitation if they couldn't afford it. Although your guests are your friends and family, if attending your wedding would have put them in the workhouse, they would have said no. As for underlying resentment, there really is nothing you can do about what people say in the privacy of their own homes. So put that thought right out of your head!

Whether a wedding is at home or abroad, there is always expense on guests. Unless you're a millionaire who is able to pay for every single thing for your guests, from outfits to hotel rooms to booze, then a guest will incurr SOME expense at a wedding.

My wedding is here in Ireland, but it's a Thursday, so our guests will have to take at least one day off work. We were aware making the booking that not all our invitees would be able to attend because they couldn't get off work, or had no holidays left, or would lose money/docked wages, you know? But we had to make the choice to have our wedding on a Thursday and have our dream day or not have a wedding at all. The budget wasn't there for a Saturday wedding, so we had to make the choice.

To try to offset some of the expense/hassle on our guests we decided not to have a black tie wedding, no dress code at all, so guests could wear an outfit they already had, we didn't register for gifts, we're not asking for any gifts, we arranged a really good room rate at our hotel €75 for a double room B&B, we're providing food from the moment the guests come into the hotel at 3.30pm right up until 3am in the residents bar, and there's a shedload of wine with dinner. So we're hoping our guests will be able to get away with paying for petrol to get to the wedding and their few drinks in the evening.

A wedding invitation isn't a court summons, nobody HAS to accept, so the fact that your friends and family have agreed to come to your wedding means they're happy to do so and will make the most of it.

Try not to worry, enjoy your day. Best of luck!

rebel10 · 27-03-2011 09:19PM

OP, I wouldn't be worried. Honestly, if people felt like they would be under pressure financially they wouldn't even consider it.
Secondly, I have been to weddings here that have cost nearly the same for just one day. One friend got married in a very posh hotel, she needed to fill the rooms in the hotel as that was their policy. The room cost me 280eur for the night! Probably stayed all of 4 hours in the room and on top of that had the hotel drinks prices to also add into my budget. I did resent my friend a little, as the option of staying in a cheaper b&b down the road was very much frowned upon and was told that she expected all her close friends to stay in the hotel.

My brother got married in Rome. Flight 150eur from here, accomodation 150eur for 2 nights. All in all i'd say I spent about the same for the entire weekend that I spent for one night in a grey Ireland!

Please don't worry about it. People have to be very honest these days on whether they can afford trips to weddings like this. If they resented you in any way, they are the ones who should be feeling bad for not being honest from the beginning. Enjoy your day!

DC31 · 27-03-2011 09:20PM

Thanks for all the replies. I know I have to just get on with it now and try not to worry. I've made my bed.....

And yes, I'm in full agreement, we don't expect nor want any presents from any of the guests. But I think you know yourself, most people still feel they must give something. I'll try to be more forceful on this point.

So, I'm gonna take the advice, enjoy the run up and try to put it out of my mind. Let the countdown begin

Tracy Jacks · 27-03-2011 10:22PM

Seriously don't be stressing about it! I've been to a wedding in Spain last year and I'm really looking forward to a wedding in France this summer. You just make it your holiday for the year. To be honest, some hotels in Ireland end up being nearly as expensive and at least you get a suntan when you go abroad! Stop feeling guilty and just look forward to it!

Couchkitten · 28-03-2011 02:05AM

Just thought I'd add that we're heading off to a wedding in the states this year!
About 60 people are coming over from Ireland and we're all really excited about it. One of the girls lost her job and she's still going because it's something to look forward to. None of us felt like we had to go because we knew they would understand if we didn't.

We also went to one in spain last year and i didn't hear anyone give out about it. It was great - a big holiday with loads of friends.

D3PO · 28-03-2011 01:18PM

OP I wouldnt worry about it. If people couldnt afford it they wouldnt go, and if things were tight they would probably go for 2 - 3 nights not 4 nights to a week.

That says to me they are more than happy to go and celebrate your day.

Im going to a foreign wedding this year and a second foreign one Im not going to. Ive told the second couple its too expensive (St Lucia) and would cost about 3 grand

If people arent willing / able to pay they will say it to you. So relax and enjoy the day with the 70 peolpe who all want to be there.

janbaby · 28-03-2011 01:54PM

I don't think people would go if they couldn't afford it and didn't want to be there. At least you'll have 70 people who really want to be at your wedding. If I was going abroad I would use it as my holiday and make the most of it

Stop stressing, either way a wedding costs couples a fortune but in your case they are getting a holiday too :P

Sergio · 28-03-2011 07:18PM

I have to say i think this whole thing of weddings abroad and the idea of couples telling their guests not to give them presents complete and utter nonsense tbh.
I am getting married in 8 weeks times in sunny spain and there are 100 guest booked to come to our wedding which is a big figure for an abroad wedding.I dont expect big gifts from anyone and myself and my fiance never put pressure on anyone to come to our wedding.We originally thought we would only have about 70 guests travelling but we are delighted to have the 100 people travelling.
People are very quick to forget that weddings cost alot of money for intended couple also.I went to my cousins wedding in Italy nealy 2 yrs ago and it was expensive but we still gave them a card with €150 in it.
We are planning to put on a free bar the night of the wedding for a few hours as a thank you for people who made the effort but i would never go to a wedding whether at home or abroad without giving a present and i think you people here are naive to think otherwise.

Toto Wolfcastle · 28-03-2011 07:35PM

Colinboy wrote: »

People are very quick to forget that weddings cost alot of money for intended couple also.

Some people getting married tend to forget that it is their choice to get married and to spend a lot of money on a wedding. It costs very little to get married in Ireland if all you want to do is get married.

If I was invited to a wedding abroad and I could afford both the trip and a gift then I would give a gift. If it was a choice between going to the wedding and giving a gift, going to the wedding would win hands down. I'm sure the couple would be delighted that the guest they invited (and thus presumably wanted to be there) could make it.

NittyGritty · 28-03-2011 07:51PM

Colinboy wrote: »

I have to say i think this whole thing of weddings abroad and the idea of couples telling their guests not to give them presents complete and utter nonsense tbh.
I am getting married in 8 weeks times in sunny spain and there are 100 guest booked to come to our wedding which is a big figure for an abroad wedding.I dont expect big gifts from anyone and myself and my fiance never put pressure on anyone to come to our wedding.We originally thought we would only have about 70 guests travelling but we are delighted to have the 100 people travelling.
People are very quick to forget that weddings cost alot of money for intended couple also.I went to my cousins wedding in Italy nealy 2 yrs ago and it was expensive but we still gave them a card with €150 in it.
We are planning to put on a free bar the night of the wedding for a few hours as a thank you for people who made the effort but i would never go to a wedding whether at home or abroad without giving a present and i think you people here are naive to think otherwise.

I think you might be in for a bit of a shock when it comes to your own wedding Colinboy. Unless you've actually told your guests you expect a present? I know a couple who got married abroad a year ago and yes, they did indeed receive some gifts. But they also had other guests who did not give gifts, and even more again who gave substantially less than they would at a wedding at home. Thankfully, this couple were realistic and had budgeted for the wedding they could afford. The did not expect their guests to bankroll their day.

Just because you have paid a lot of money for your wedding and are putting on a free bar for a "few hours", do not expect your guests to pay for your wedding.

Your wedding, your choice. It costs €150 to get married. The rest is up to you and your OH. I agree with the previous poster, given a choice between the guests presence or their present, I know which I'd choose.

OP, at least you have the sense to say you are discouraging present giving from your guests. This gesture will be appreciated. And even if they do still decide to give you a gift, at least they know it wasn't expected from you. Enjoy the lead up to your big day and try not to worry about it.

tinkerbell · 28-03-2011 09:24PM

I completely agree with the above. A free bar means nothing if you have to travel abroad for a wedding, big deal. It costs a lot of money to go abroad, not to mention having to use up part of your annual leave so that you can take time off work.

OP - you should be telling your guests that a wedding present is not expected at all, and you just want their presence, not a present. I think weddings abroad are such a strain on the guests who feel like they have to go. Nevermind the multiple days you have to take off work to get there in the first place.

jamesbrond · 28-03-2011 09:41PM

This whole weddings abroad thing is so annoying (cue all the wedding abroad people coming and saying they dont expect this, that and the other so its not their fault).

Honestly - ask a few people here who have gone to friends weddings abroad what the total costs add up to.

My other halfs best friend is getting married in the next few months abroad.

And it costs a lot more than they seem to think. They think the flights are ONLY €200.
There is no way we are getting back without taking days off work. Add to that, the flights are over €200 each. plus baggage charges etc and then trains, taxis, hotels, meals etc and spending money.
ANd those flights are that price because we booked a while ago. Was talkng to a couple who booked a few weeks ago and theirs were about €300 each.

Then theres €200 for the hen and €100 for the stag night.

Waiting around in airports.

And of course they say they dont want a present, but dont really mean it.

Id rather go on a holiday oursleves tbh, but i'll take it on the chin, since they are best friends, but this will cost us far more than a grand.

DC31 · 28-03-2011 09:49PM

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP - you should be telling your guests that a wedding present is not expected at all, and you just want their presence, not a present. I think weddings abroad are such a strain on the guests who feel like they have to go. Nevermind the multiple days you have to take off work to get there in the first place.

If you read my previous post tinkerbell, you would see that I've already said that this is what we have done and will be reiterating to our guests. No presents please.

You're comments about the "strain" and "multiple days" required off work are pretty nonconstructive tbh. The point of my original post was that I already feel guilty about putting people under pressure. I am aware that this is the case and do not need you to ram it home again.

I hope that if and when you are ever invited to a wedding abroad, you have the convictions in you beliefs (as per your response to me) to respectfully decline rather than feel you "have to go". Yours is exactly the attitude that I hope my guests who have "gratefully accepted" our invitation do not have. As a previous poster said, people are invited to a wedding, not summoned.

NittyGritty · 28-03-2011 10:00PM

jamesbrond wrote: »

This whole weddings abroad thing is so annoying (cue all the wedding abroad people coming and saying they dont expect this, that and the other so its not their fault).

Honestly - ask a few people here who have gone to friends weddings abroad what the total costs add up to.

My other halfs best friend is getting married in the next few months abroad.

And it costs a lot more than they seem to think. They think the flights are ONLY €200.
There is no way we are getting back without taking days off work. Add to that, the flights are over €200 each. plus baggage charges etc and then trains, taxis, hotels, meals etc and spending money.
ANd those flights are that price because we booked a while ago. Was talkng to a couple who booked a few weeks ago and theirs were about €300 each.

Then theres €200 for the hen and €100 for the stag night.

Waiting around in airports.

And of course they say they dont want a present, but dont really mean it.

Id rather go on a holiday oursleves tbh, but i'll take it on the chin, since they are best friends, but this will cost us far more than a grand.

With all due respect poster, if your 'best friends' saw this, I think they'd probably prefer you stayed at home! I know I would. You only want people happy to be there with you on your wedding day. And certainly not people who feel as strongly as you about how "annoying" it is.

I think the OP and every other couple out there have the right to choose their wedding day any way they want to have it.

If you are invited to a wedding, it is just that. An invitation.

Tinkerbell, I disagreed with Colinboy's attitude that he expects presents. I do not disagree with weddings abroad. Again, this is the couple's prerogative. If you don't agree with their choice, cannot afford it, or do not want to go, then stay at home. Simples.

Sergio · 29-03-2011 01:06AM

NittyGritty wrote: »

I think you might be in for a bit of a shock when it comes to your own wedding Colinboy. Unless you've actually told your guests you expect a present? I know a couple who got married abroad a year ago and yes, they did indeed receive some gifts. But they also had other guests who did not give gifts, and even more again who gave substantially less than they would at a wedding at home. Thankfully, this couple were realistic and had budgeted for the wedding they could afford. The did not expect their guests to bankroll their day.

Just because you have paid a lot of money for your wedding and are putting on a free bar for a "few hours", do not expect your guests to pay for your wedding.

Your wedding, your choice. It costs €150 to get married. The rest is up to you and your OH. I agree with the previous poster, given a choice between the guests presence or their present, I know which I'd choose.

OP, at least you have the sense to say you are discouraging present giving from your guests. This gesture will be appreciated. And even if they do still decide to give you a gift, at least they know it wasn't expected from you. Enjoy the lead up to your big day and try not to worry about it.

Where in my post did i say i expected my guests to pay for my wedding and when did i say i was spending a fortune on my own wedding????I made a general statement that weddings cost intended couples alot of money but i never said mine was costing a fortune.

I am more than happy with the big crowd travelling and everyone of our guests are there because they want to be not because there being put under any kind of pressure from us.Myself and my OH are the two most easy going people out there and dont "Expect" anything from anybody.
We are not one of those couples who plan their wedding on a budget thinking the money they get as presents from people will actually pay for the wedding.........I think that old saying about counting chickens before they hatch come to mind.Were not these type of people!

Sergio · 29-03-2011 01:18AM

NittyGritty wrote: »

With all due respect poster, if your 'best friends' saw this, I think they'd probably prefer you stayed at home! I know I would. You only want people happy to be there with you on your wedding day. And certainly not people who feel as strongly as you about how "annoying" it is.

I think the OP and every other couple out there have the right to choose their wedding day any way they want to have it.

If you are invited to a wedding, it is just that. An invitation.

Tinkerbell, I disagreed with Colinboy's attitude that he expects presents. I do not disagree with weddings abroad. Again, this is the couple's prerogative. If you don't agree with their choice, cannot afford it, or do not want to go, then stay at home. Simples.

When in my original post did i say i expected presents from people???

NittyGritty · 29-03-2011 11:21AM

Colinboy wrote: »

When in my original post did i say i expected presents from people???

You said in your post that we were naive to think you/those getting married abroad wouldn't receive presents, so surely that means that you expect to receive presents? If I've misunderstood your meaning, I apologise.

Anyway, my point being that if, by telling people you neither expect nor want presents, it eases the financial strain of attending a wedding abroad, I think this is what the OP should do.

Good luck with your wedding Colinboy, I'm sure it'll be a mighty festa in the Spanish sun. I'm jealous

nordine · 29-03-2011 12:38PM

DC31 wrote: »

If you read my previous post tinkerbell, you would see that I've already said that this is what we have done and will be reiterating to our guests. No presents please.

You're comments about the "strain" and "multiple days" required off work are pretty nonconstructive tbh. The point of my original post was that I already feel guilty about putting people under pressure. I am aware that this is the case and do not need you to ram it home again.

I hope that if and when you are ever invited to a wedding abroad, you have the convictions in you beliefs (as per your response to me) to respectfully decline rather than feel you "have to go". Yours is exactly the attitude that I hope my guests who have "gratefully accepted" our invitation do not have. As a previous poster said, people are invited to a wedding, not summoned.

OP, I wouldnt be putting a thread like this up and just expecting everyone just to agree with you. Tinkerbell has a point. The simple fact is, there are people who probably accepted the invitation through gritted teeth knowing the enormous financial strain it has put them under. Maybe all your friends and family are employed and in a good financial state, then this wont be an issue. I know its not what you want to hear but think its true.

bamboozle · 29-03-2011 05:01PM

got married abroad last year and we had about 140 guests travel for it, so many people suprised up by travelling but given the doom and gloom around ireland for the last few years people were looking for an excuse for a holiday.

i wouldnt worry about the guests, if they cant afford to travel they wont and they know the couple wont expect them to, we did have some friends who had lost jobs are were unable to travel plus friends who were pregnant, it was a shame they couldnt make it but everything worked out really well.

cant wait for some of our friends to get married abroad so we can enjoy the experience.

Mint Sauce · 29-03-2011 05:11PM

Not married my self and no way near it. But have goneover seas for a wedding, and due to go to another this year.

I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all, its your day you should be able to get married where ever you like. From the guests point of view, the last one I went to overseas was one of the best overseas holiday I had. It was over the winter in the Alps, went to a country I had never been before, went snow boarding for the first time and loved it. As the groom pointed out he wanted people to go somewhere or do some thing that they may have never considered before.

The wedding this year is probably going to be my only proper holidays this year, and am looking forward to it, dispite the cost it will be. Again going to a country that I have never been to, and treeting it as a holiday, with a family do in the middle of it.

tinkerbell · 29-03-2011 07:10PM

DC31 wrote: »

If you read my previous post tinkerbell, you would see that I've already said that this is what we have done and will be reiterating to our guests. No presents please.

You're comments about the "strain" and "multiple days" required off work are pretty nonconstructive tbh. The point of my original post was that I already feel guilty about putting people under pressure. I am aware that this is the case and do not need you to ram it home again.

I hope that if and when you are ever invited to a wedding abroad, you have the convictions in you beliefs (as per your response to me) to respectfully decline rather than feel you "have to go". Yours is exactly the attitude that I hope my guests who have "gratefully accepted" our invitation do not have. As a previous poster said, people are invited to a wedding, not summoned.

If you are feeling guilty, then you just need to reiterate the no presents request. And I never said I was against weddings abroad - I have gone to weddings abroad myself. I said it is a strain for guests who feel "they have to go", rather than actually wanting to go. If someone wants to go, then they go and are happy about it. And yes, I agree that people are invited to a wedding but some people might feel like they can't decline the invitation, for whatever reason. But anyway, that's besides the point.

Feeling guilty about my wedding abroad

Comments