Miscarriage

Just venting here really, hope no one minds

I miscarried our baby last night/this morning, s/he would have been just over 8 weeks

I went into hospital yesterday afternoon with bleeding, I'd had a bleed on my last (healthy) pregnancy so wasn't overly panicking.
They did a scan and showed DH and I our little baba with its heart beating away good and strong.

The doctor was concerned that there was quite a bit of blood, so scheduled me for another scan the following day.
However it wasn't to be, a few hours later I passed a large clot (sorry tmi) and thought to myself that was it.

I went to the hospital thinking they'd scan me, say sorry for your loss then send me packing with a few paracetomol.
However they did not scan, kept me in overnight on a drip & scanned in the morning.
For those few precious hours last night, because no one had said to me outright that there was no hope/baby was gone, I still held out hope that things were going to be ok.

However when I collected my first sample for them in the morning, it wasn't urine, all blood followed an hour later by 3 large clots (sorry again tmi).
I broke down then as I realised at this point there was no hope, that was it.
I had another 2 hours to wait til I had the final scan that confirmed my thoughts, baby was gone.

The only saving grace was that I had passed it all naturally & didn't require a D&C.
A part of me feels like I don't have the same place to be upset as someone who's first baby it was. I have a beautiful & healthy 5 month old little girl at home who is my absolute life.
The baby I lost had the same due date as my little girls first birthday, they would have been 'Irish Twins'.

I know I should be glad also as I have already had a complete & healthy pregnancy, but I feel so sad thinking of the hopes I had for a little brother/sister for our little lady.

After having our daughter I had said we would definitely have at least 2 more, now I think even the thoughts of going through one more pregnancy is terrifying in case it ends the same way.
I don't want her to be an only child though, so in time we will try again.

I feel so stupid for telling so many people I was pregnant before the 12 week mark, I wish now I had waited that bit longer as telling people now is both awkward and adds to the sadness.


My heart goes out to every woman who has gone through this before me and those who will again after me.
It is the most devastating feeling, your babies little life disappearing.

In some ways if my scan had shown no heartbeat, it might have made it easier. It is horrible knowing that the baby seemed healthy (correct size for dates, heartbeat strong) but my body rejected it.

Also Mary Harney has a lot to answer for with health cuts. Thanks to her health cuts, the Gynae ward in the hospital was closed.
So instead I had a torturous night in an Ante Natal ward.
How fun that was listening to the other mum's having their healthy babies heart beat checked (you know the loud monitors you hear all around the ward) while I was lying there with my baby dying inside of me.
Thank you Mary Harney/HSE.


I must whole heartedly commend the staff in St. Lukes, Kilkenny. These women are absolute Angels no doubt about it.
They were so compassionate, you would think I was one of their family the way they treated me, not some stranger that had walked in from the street.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on I just needed to get that out of my system.
I spoke about it this morning with my sister and DH, I don't really feel up to speaking about it anymore with family/friends, just feels a little easier online.