Job and the GF

LegacyUser · 25-06-2010 10:43AM #1

With the other half a year and a half, had up's and down's like everyone else, however i've recently been offered a really decent job and it requires me to travel to london for 2 weeks at the start of July.
Problem is the GF is giving out like crap telling me i can't go and that there's no way she will stay with me I told her about this a month ago whilst i did the interview that If i got it I'd have to go away, and all i'd be doing there is training etc she was like yea you can go, but she obviously didn't mean it.
I'm 21 and I really think it's an amazing opportunity. I really want to do it, it would help me out financially but I now have to think about the girlfriend in relation to this, I really need some help on what to do, I need HELP

Colonel_McCoy · 25-06-2010 11:16AM

Its only two weeks. You need to go and progress your career! Madness not to go! If she loves you she wont have a problem, she can always fly over at weekends! You are not going to Australia travelling for a year! Dont let her hold you back! If you dont go you will regret it in the long run!

bubblybox · 25-06-2010 11:19AM

Firstly - go! We're in a recession, you've been offered a great opportunity and as much as I'm sure you love your girlfriend if it all fell apart you would kick yourself for doing it!

Secondly why is your girlfriend like this is she jealous of you going or is she insecure! If she is jealous and you dont want to tell her to snap out of it (which you should but for the sake of keeping the peace) buy her a flight for the weekend in the middle or when you finish up and show her a good time. But if she is insecure thats a whole different story.

I am in a long distance relationship (Dublin and London) and I get jealous of all the fun places my OH is seeing and eh gets jealous of me being at home! But one thing you need to do is trust each other. Now if we've coped since August, you need to wonder why your gf can't cope 2 weeks...

But fair play for considering her and congrats on the job offer, make the most of it!!!

piby · 25-06-2010 11:25AM

Wait there's no way I'm reading this right! So you have to go to London for two weeks as part of your job and your girlfriend is giving out to you? I thought you were going to say you were moving to London or something!

OP I actually really know what to say! I don't know why she has such an issue with a mere two weeks?!! All I can say is that you should try explain to her that it's good for your career and perhaps this will be good for her too.

But if you want my real advice then she's not worth it. I think saying she's going to leave you because have to travel for work is absolutley ridiculous. I know couples who have been together while one's been gone for a year and yet she's angry about two weeks! Are you missing something important like a birthday in her family or anything? Otherwise it really doesn't make sense why she's getting so worked up!

Beruthiel · 25-06-2010 11:26AM

dundun wrote: »

Problem is the GF is giving out like crap telling me i can't go and that there's no way she will stay with me I told her about this a month ago whilst i did the interview that If i got it I'd have to go away, and all i'd be doing there is training etc she was like yea you can go, but she obviously didn't mean it.
I'm 21 and I really think it's an amazing opportunity. I really want to do it, it would help me out financially but I now have to think about the girlfriend in relation to this, I really need some help on what to do, I need HELP

It's very simple dundun.
Your g/f is acting like a 12 year old teenager throwing a tantrum.
It's two weeks.
A whole 14 days.
Not two years.
She needs to get over herself and tbh if she is threatening to not be with you because you have to train for two weeks in another country then you need to seriously think about whither you need to have someone so controling in your life longterm.
Put a stop to this kind of behaviour right now.
Tell her you are going and if she wishes to be here when you get back, that's entirely up to her, but she no longer gets to act like a baby while she's your g/f.

kayos · 25-06-2010 11:28AM

WTH its two weeks.... for over two years I've been one the road one place or another and only see the mrs at the weekends.

There is a recession on and if you have a chance at a good job in Ireland and the odd bit of travel aside from two weeks training you would be mad to pass it up at your age. Your OH needs to get her priorties straight.

You gone for two weeks and coming out with a good job.
vs
You stuck with no job or something less than ideal so she can have you at home for those two weeks.

Taltos · 25-06-2010 11:30AM

OP - I have to admit am unsure if this is real. I mean you're an adult and have to make the best choices for you and your future with your GF (whoever she might be).

Right now it is a 2 wk BUSINESS trip to London - what will it be next time - a trip to Spar?

Me - I would take this as a huge alarm bell - I mean a major one. Just remember - it is NOT your job to make her better. She has to admit she is the one with the problem here and work on it herself - all you can do is reassure but do not under any circumstances enable her.

Eve_Dublin · 25-06-2010 11:37AM

Why do people put up with girlfriends/boyfriends like this? Reread your post and tell me if you think your girlfriend is acting reasonably.

I never say this but I´m going to say this for the very time and really mean it: grow a pair OP. I don´t mean to be nasty but don´t let anyone treat you this way. No one deserves to be treated this way. Do you honestly think you´re deserving of this kind of treatment OP? This girl is not mature enough to have a boyfriend and needs to be single ´till she cops the hell on.

Honestly, do people believe being single is so awful that they´d rather go out with a controlling bunny boiler?

Ickle Magoo · 25-06-2010 11:42AM

Hey OP,

First up, you should never require your girlfriends permission to do employment training nor change job. Secondly, you are going away for a whole two weeks and she is being, frankly, ridiculously controlling - and using emotional blackmail to boot...if this is how she goes about supporting you when you've done well enough to get yourself a successful career progression and better yourself then I wouldn't like to be in your shoes if you get any bad news.

The bottom line is she is thinking entirely of herself, not a notion that you've done well, that it's a good move and that you want to do it - it's all about her, her, her - her wants, her insecurities and her trust issues & at 21, is that really what you want in life?

Best of luck

Sephiroth_dude · 25-06-2010 11:54AM

You should go if its a good opportunity,if she loves she'd understand this,its only 2 wks,dont let her tell you what you can and can't do.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2010 11:59AM

Well, she's been going on that i'm being selfish for wanting to do it and i'm not willing to comprimise like trying to get a job in some random shop etc like this is something i've always wanted to do!

Steamer · 25-06-2010 12:44PM

Just go.

Taltos · 25-06-2010 01:03PM

dundun wrote: »

Well, she's been going on that i'm being selfish for wanting to do it and i'm not willing to comprimise like trying to get a job in some random shop etc like this is something i've always wanted to do!

You're being manipulated - classic example.
> It is all your fault
> You are being inconsiderate
> How could you do this to me
> You clearly don't really love me or you wouldn't hurt me like this
> It is always you-you-you
sometimes they slip up here and add > never about me

How dare you leave her for two whole weeks.
Think one of the posters got it above.
If you are mad about her - sit her down and explain that her demands are not appropriate. However, I am guessing she will throw a wobbly and force you to choose to give up on your dreams and stagnate with her.

Beruthiel · 25-06-2010 01:07PM

dundun wrote: »

Well, she's been going on that i'm being selfish for wanting to do it

Well of course you are dreadfully selfish.
How dare you get a job during a recession which requires you to do a whole 14 days training in another country, which will ultimately further your qualifications in your chosen field. What were you thinking?!

You're 21 years of age, you are waaaay too young to be getting that kind of pressure from anyone.
Dump her.
The only person she is thinking about here is herself.
Any normal person who claims to care for you would have been thrilled that you were offered this opportunity.
Dump her and find a g/f who actually cares about you enough to encourage you.
Seriously.
Not joking.
Dump her.

Fox McCloud · 25-06-2010 03:39PM

Congrats on the job OP!

You really do have to go. You'll regret it forever really if you dont..
I cant believe this is real.. that you didnt break up with her on the spot! Think guys have a raw deal in terms of boundaries in a relationship. Girls are told if a guy tries to control he is BAD NEWS. It seems to be more of a gray area for guys..
I'm telling you now as a girl, it is not ok for a girl to control you. If she tries she is BAD NEWS. It is ok to not accept anything in a relationship thats making you unhappy.

Its two weeks away, its not even a lads holiday its work. Cant even begin to grasp why she's not delighted for you!

Misticles · 25-06-2010 03:55PM

Does she not realise that this your career?
I would give her the two finger flick and tell her to get a grip on herself!

She should want you to succeed and do well for yourself not try and restrict you in any way!

Its two weeks- I'm sure if she decided to go on holiday for 2 weeks with her mates and you had something to say about it- she'd be on that plane!

Don't let her ruin this opportunity for you OP- there will be other girls

Esoteric_ · 25-06-2010 04:18PM

Instead of dumping her or going nuts at her like other people are suggesting, why not TALK to her? Surely there's a reason she doesn't want you to go? I mean, I don't know your girlfriend but I don't think dumping her is going to fix anything. Ask her why she's unhappy with it. It could be that she's simply insecure and needs some reassurance.

Kimia · 25-06-2010 04:20PM

Yes, it's quite bizarre that she would be SO against you going away for 2 weeks unless she's completely nuts, and assuming she's not (as I'm sure you wouldn't be going out with her if so) then maybe there's something else freaking her out?

Esoteric_ · 25-06-2010 04:23PM

Kimia wrote: »

Yes, it's quite bizarre that she would be SO against you going away for 2 weeks unless she's completely nuts, and assuming she's not (as I'm sure you wouldn't be going out with her if so) then maybe there's something else freaking her out?

^ Exactly. I mean, I get insecure very easily because of things that have happened in my past and it does my bf's head in at times, but he talks about it and gives me reassurance. Shouting the odds and dumping me wouldn't fix the issue, it'd just exacerbate it.

Chinafoot · 25-06-2010 05:19PM

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Instead of dumping her or going nuts at her like other people are suggesting, why not TALK to her? Surely there's a reason she doesn't want you to go? I mean, I don't know your girlfriend but I don't think dumping her is going to fix anything. Ask her why she's unhappy with it. It could be that she's simply insecure and needs some reassurance.

To be fair though, her behaviour is completely unreasonable and in this scenario he should not have to molly-coddle her irrationality. This is a fantastic work opportunity, not a few months travelling with the lads. Instead of supporting him she's calling him selfish.

If she is so damaged from a past relationship/experience that she thinks this behaviour is reasonable when it comes to a 2 week training period for a new job, and that he should be the one to calm her, reassure her and hold her hand, then she should not be in a relationship.

Gyalist · 25-06-2010 06:38PM

It's not up to her to give permission for you to go. You've informed her and that's all that you are expected to do. Her behaviour should be raising all sorts of red flags for you. You are only 21, there will be other women who will come and go in your life, but not many opportunities like the one you are being offered.

Do not compromise on this. If she chooses to break up with you, so be it. In any case, you should dump her for making such an issue of something that she should be pleased for you about.

Esoteric_ · 25-06-2010 07:57PM

Chinafoot wrote: »

To be fair though, her behaviour is completely unreasonable and in this scenario he should not have to molly-coddle her irrationality. This is a fantastic work opportunity, not a few months travelling with the lads. Instead of supporting him she's calling him selfish.

If she is so damaged from a past relationship/experience that she thinks this behaviour is reasonable when it comes to a 2 week training period for a new job, and that he should be the one to calm her, reassure her and hold her hand, then she should not be in a relationship.

Reassurance and molly-coddling are different things. If somebody is upset about something, a loving partner would naturally offer some words of comfort or some reassurance. I'm not saying his gf is in the right, but it's something that may be easily talked out rather than ending the relationship over.

If she is damaged from her past, I find it doubtful that she believes her behaviour is reasonable. I used to be quite possessive (copped right on to myself thankfully, I'm normal now!) and while I knew that what I was doing was wrong, when you're anxious or paranoid, sometimes you can't help it. In situations like that, any caring partner SHOULD reassure her. Obviously he should stick to his guns, but if my boyfriend was anxious and unhappy about something I was doing (which he has been before), I'd still do it but give him reassurance first because I knew that way we'd both be happy. Granted, if her issues are that severe that she's banning him from going away for work then she needs a therapist. That said, as her boyfriend, he should reassure her. It's not like I'm saying he should reassure her non stop and pander to her issues. He should offer her SOME reassurance though.

Then again, this is all speculation. She might just be a possessive weirdo for all we know.

Ickle Magoo · 25-06-2010 08:32PM

Expecting a 21yr old to forgo the celebration, congratulations and excitement he feels at this opportunity in order to reassure someone who is threatening to break up with him over a two-week training stint is well outside normal bf/gf "understanding" parameters...if it was a week in Ibiza with the lads then I could understand some apprehension on her side and I would agree that reassurance and understanding is the way forward - but throwing a wobbly over a two week training stint for a new job? That's a cut and run job.

Chinafoot · 25-06-2010 08:33PM

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Reassurance and molly-coddling are different things. If somebody is upset about something, a loving partner would naturally offer some words of comfort or some reassurance. I'm not saying his gf is in the right, but it's something that may be easily talked out rather than ending the relationship over.

If she is damaged from her past, I find it doubtful that she believes her behaviour is reasonable. I used to be quite possessive (copped right on to myself thankfully, I'm normal now!) and while I knew that what I was doing was wrong, when you're anxious or paranoid, sometimes you can't help it. In situations like that, any caring partner SHOULD reassure her. Obviously he should stick to his guns, but if my boyfriend was anxious and unhappy about something I was doing (which he has been before), I'd still do it but give him reassurance first because I knew that way we'd both be happy. Granted, if her issues are that severe that she's banning him from going away for work then she needs a therapist. That said, as her boyfriend, he should reassure her. It's not like I'm saying he should reassure her non stop and pander to her issues. He should offer her SOME reassurance though.

Then again, this is all speculation. She might just be a possessive weirdo for all we know.

And theres a difference between "anxious and unhappy" and telling your partner he's selfish and he's not allowed to go. Why is it only him that has to be a loving and caring partner? Why does she get away with ridiculous, hurtful and unsupportive behaviour. She's trying to stop him advancing in his career and the fact that she can't see that is quite scary.

By the sounds of this girl theres not a lot that reassuring would do to change it. What reassurance does she need? He's the one that probably needs support. It can't be easy heading off for 2 weeks for a new job with people you've never met before in a strange place where he probably knows nobody. He must be really nervous!

I agree that she needs therapy and until she sorts herself out she shouldn't be in a relationship as she clearly can't handle one.

Esoteric_ · 25-06-2010 08:36PM

Chinafoot wrote: »

And theres a difference between "anxious and unhappy" and telling your partner he's selfish and he's not allowed to go. Why is it only him that has to be a loving and caring partner? Why does she get away with ridiculous, hurtful and unsupportive behaviour. She's trying to stop him advancing in his career and the fact that she can't see that is quite scary.

By the sounds of this girl theres not a lot that reassuring would do to change it. What reassurance does she need? He's the one that probably needs support. It can't be easy heading off for 2 weeks for a new job with people you've never met before in a strange place where he probably knows nobody. He must be really nervous!

I agree that she needs therapy and until she sorts herself out she shouldn't be in a relationship as she clearly can't handle one.

Actually, I didn't think of it like that. I mean, she's bang out of order with what she said, I agreed with that from the beginning, but I didn't even think that the OP might need some reassurance. I would still suggest reassuring her, then basically having it out with her afterwards because if she's wound up or whatever, she's not going to listen to him when he airs his grievances.

To the OP - talk to her about therapy. I was ridiculously possessive in the past, and it took my partner breaking up with me before I realized just how stupid I was being and sought help. She needs help if she's that bad.

Eve_Dublin · 25-06-2010 09:53PM

Reassure her of what though Lynda?

iguana · 25-06-2010 10:27PM

It's so hard to fathom why she would react like this. It might be understandable that she is apprehensive about it, or not looking forward to the fortnight that you are away, but to react so vehemently against a two week training trip is very strange.

Is there any more to this? Is the company one which she has moral opposition to? Is she pregnant and her due date is early July? Has someone she is close to just been given a few weeks to live?

If there is no serious, real reason for him not to want you to go you need to make it clear to her that it is she who is being selfish.

tenchi-fan · 26-06-2010 12:56PM

I think you shoud ditch your girlfriend and find someone more appreciative of your effort and supportive.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 26-06-2010 01:13PM

How old is she? There must be more to this. Is there anything taboo about the job? Is there any chance she thinks its longer than 2 weeks?

LegacyUser · 28-06-2010 12:59AM

It's boiling down to her thinking i'll be out all the time doing what I want without her .... It's only a week till I leave and I don't know how to bring it up and tell her I'm just going i really am so excited for this and something i want to jump at!

shellyboo · 28-06-2010 03:31AM

She won't stay with you over two WEEKS? Surely a typo, OP. If not, run for the hills as fast as your legs can carry you. Unstable, possessive, controlling, paranoid, selfish bull****. Don't accept it.

Job and the GF

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