Sex on a first date - is it ALWAYS the end?

LegacyUser · 13-03-2010 09:48AM #1

Woman in my late 30s, single, own home, good job, reasonably attractive. Pretty low self-esteem tho! So I met a guy recently through a friend - we were pals for a few weeks, and then he asked me out. I got too drunk on the date, foolishly brought him home and slept with him. I regretted it the next morning immediately. Thing is, I really like this guy. We have loads in common, laugh all the time etc. He was pretty ok the next morning, had some breakfast, said he'd had a great time and he'd ring. And of course, he hasn't. That was last weekend.

So I think its because he has a low opinion of me now, because I slept with him that night. He may assume that I do that with every guy I meet - I don't. I regret it and wished I'd taken it a bit slower....

Maybe Im wrong and maybe he's just not that into me after all - but things were going great until we had sex. I feel really cr*p that I brought him home - so do men, in 2010, think women who sleep with them on first dates are loose??? Or am I old fashioned and reading into this too much??

krudler · 13-03-2010 10:47AM

Depends on the person really, maybe he was just out for sex and nothing more. It can also depend on the context, getting too drunk and sleeping with someone straight away may seem (no offence) a bit trashy to some, but if you genuinely liked each other and wound up sleeping together on a first date because you both wanted it, there'd be nothing wrong with it. As a rule I'd never get drunk on the first date, theres plenty of time for that as things go on

Taltos · 13-03-2010 10:49AM

Well - do you think less of him because he slept with you on the first date?
Or do you think less of him because he took advantage?

Look - it could be anything - maybe it was just that you drank too much. Personally I find a lush one of the most unattractive traits in a person. I know this is harsh - and I am not saying you are a lush - but generally a first date is a good indicator. You know - folk try to act their best - and....

Of course it could all have been nerves. But as you said you don't want to be old fashioned - so why have you not called him to ask him out???

If you have this fear though that it was all about the sex - maybe try to abstain for the next few dates. Not trying to be crass but making him wait is sometimes really the best policy - that way you both get the extra time to know each other. Otherwise - chalk this one up to experience - he clearly is not worth chasing after and move on...

Nevyn · 13-03-2010 10:51AM

Different peple have different standards so it can vary.
Some of the best and most intresting relationships I have had started out with sex on the first date, those who had an issue with it I has happy not to have in my life and it was a good compatiblity test.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2010 11:04AM

Thaedydal wrote: »

Different peple have different standards so it can vary.
Some of the best and most intresting relationships I have had started out with sex on the first date, those who had an issue with it I has happy not to have in my life and it was a good compatiblity test.

I agree with that. I wouldn't be compatible with some wet, soppy type that didn't try it on the first night. Just wouldn't be compatible.

Can't be doing with men who wan't women to play games and act all pretendy victorian. I slept with my current BF on the second night I knew him. Why wouldn't I, he slept with me and if he hadn't I wouldn't have bothered meeting him again.

Would have thought too high maintenance and worried what society thinks. Which is an unattractive quality in a grown man.

No loss OP, if thats what he's like.

S23 · 13-03-2010 11:28AM

I'm afraid theres no way of telling what one individual thinks of those set of circumstance. Personally I don't think its a great idea. Even less so when theres drink involved. I don't want to sound preachy but using drink as an excuse for doing something is not something an adult should do. If drinking causes you to do stuff or act in a way you'd never do when sober then just don't drink.

We've all done silly things when drunk as , for those who do drink, its part of growing up but it is definetly something you should grow out of quickly. Think how much more clear cut this whole situation you find yourself in would have been if you hadn't got drunk and wasted and taken him to bed.

If you end up in bed with someone on a first date its probably best to do so with a clear head so you can better judge what it is the person is or isn't after.

Maybe he does really like you or maybe he does think you get wasted and jump into bed on the first date with every man you meet. If you want to find out what the story is or want things to progress you're just going to have to bite the bullet and talk to him

iguana · 13-03-2010 12:02PM

I was just wondering if he in anyway picked up on your regret the next day. If he did that could be part of his reason for not calling. I wouldn't be too keen on someone who made me feel like a mistake the next day.

metrovelvet · 13-03-2010 03:23PM

It could be any number of reasons but no one is a mindreader.

It could also be that because you were drunk when it happened, he cant be sure if you like him or if it was the drink that made you like him.

How Strange · 13-03-2010 04:36PM

As others said, it depends on the person really. I don't see why he would think less of you. You haven't done anything wrong. You're both adults and doing what's natural when you're attracted to someone.

You're in your late 30's and you've met a guy your interested in and now you're sitting around wondering why he hasn't called. Why don't you call him and ask to meet for a coffee. The worst thing that can happen is he brushes you off but at least you'll know where you stand and you can move on.

paraguay99 · 13-03-2010 05:32PM

any lad who judges a girl for sleeping with him on the first night is an idiot and knows nothing about women.

vicecreamsundae · 13-03-2010 05:49PM

yeah i think everyone has pretty much said it all.
i don't see how he could judge you for sleeping with him...it may have been the first 'date' but you said you were pals for weeks so he'd have to be rather prudish to think less of you for that!

as everyone said, there is no way of knowing why he hasn't called. why don't you call or text and just ask if he wants to catch a movie or something this week? and if you really feel stupid about getting so drunk that night, then maybe make a lighthearted reference to how you wont be drinking this time or something.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2010 06:05PM

well its been said, although, i dont want to sound harsh but i dont want to sugar coat it either, its most likely that hes just that that into you...

i have been in the same situation, and maybe im wrong, but its not so much the sex on first date that would make a guy disappear....itssimply being into you or not, a week with not contact its a clear sign to be honest, i was in your shoes and at times, in the guys shoes too and someone who likes you won't wait a week to at least drop an HELLO! how are you.

I did what people suggested and text the guy a simple Hows you ..short and nice to see if i would get some kind of a reply, it was 7 days after, so i followed everyone opinions around me..."you have nothing to lose, just text him etc..etc"...well, i did and he never replied!!

Just gone!

SO im hoping im wrong but if i were you i would start moving on and if he does like you HE WILL contact you, and if its in 2 weeks from now, than it would be your choice to decide if hes too late to be contacted.

good luck!

LegacyUser · 13-03-2010 06:24PM

paraguay99 wrote: »

any lad who judges a girl for sleeping with him on the first night is an idiot and knows nothing about women.

You are abusing someone because they judge woman who sleep with them on the first night. Not understanding another persons opinion and just writing it off because it doesn't match your is called ignorance.

I personally would never go out with a woman who slept with me on the first night I met her. I'd sleep with a different woman each week, if I really liked them I wouldn't sleep with them but get their number and arrange a date.

legend365 · 13-03-2010 07:52PM

All i'll say is OP, you might have gave away the chase...?

Miss Fluff · 14-03-2010 12:57PM

In answer to your thread title about sex on the first date always spelling the end........not necessarily. One of the happiest couples I know, who are getting married next year, slept together on the first date. As long as you take precautions, and it feels right, then why not.

Personally, at this stage, if it's someone I like, then I'd prefer to wait a little as deciding whether it's going to work or not seems less complicated if you haven't yet done the deed. In saying that, I spent six years with a guy I slept with on the first date. No hard and fast rules tbh!

Getting really drunk on a first date isn't a good idea though as you're not giving an accurate representation of yourself. I've done that too and you're only letting the side down. From your post as well you say "I regretted it the next morning immediately" maybe this guy sensed that? Perhaps you were giving off signals the next day that screamed "WTF?????????":eek:

I'd just chalk it down to experience at this stage OP, it's not that likely he will call at this stage. If he was quite happy to have sex with you and then judges you for it, perhaps he's not that much of a catch after all!!:(

Maybe next time, take things a bit slower and decide a few dates in whether you want to have sex with them. I truly do believe that you've to kiss a few frogs until you find your Prince and this most recent date just adds to your list of things not to do on a first date if it makes you feel like this afterwards....

Barracudaincork · 14-03-2010 01:40PM

IMO if he hasnt called yet he wont, the reason why he doesnt could be one of many, it could be you were drunk, it could be you slept with him on the first date, it could be he sensed your regret, it could be that he didnt click with you during sex, it could be he just wasnt into you, it could be a lot of reasons and tbh you will never know for sure, so just chalk it down as a one nighter and move on without analysing it further.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 14-03-2010 04:11PM

He might not be interested in you for more than anything but a one niter

or

He felt you seemed to regret it the next day.

I think if a guy likes a girl, sleeping with him on the first night will not put him off. I used to think it would but then the situation happened to me and I realised it made no difference.

I don't see why you couldn't have given him a call. If you seemed regretful about the night before I'd be very unlikely to call you.

Greyfox · 14-03-2010 09:07PM

paraguay99 wrote: »

any lad who judges a girl for sleeping with him on the first night is an idiot and knows nothing about women.

I think your the one who's living with your head and as somebody already said it's very ignorant to call someone an idiot just because their opinion differs from yours

Sleeping on the first date does not always have a negitive effect on a possible future relationship, and I accept it doesn't seem fair to women who happen to want sex after a first date. But the fact of the matter is for a lot of guys the "chase" is everything! For me the anticipation of that first time sex is the most exciting thing in the world and if I get it too easily my attraction towards the women will dininish quite a bit. Yes I know it's very unfair but what keeps someone attracted is never logical.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2010 09:23PM

OP Here
Firstly, can I just say how amazed I was when I saw how many replies i got here..Ive posted on boards before, but got very few replies.anyway, have had a busy weekend and only back now.
He rang. He's been busy and wants to meet again next week.
Not sure that I believe him....that whole 'been busy' thing...no one is so busy that they cant send a text! Perhaps its coz I feel 'cheap' that i even wrote this post..and it not that i wonder what he thinks of me? its really about how i feel about myself...

14-03-2010 10:17PM

Unregistered wrote: »

OP Here
Firstly, can I just say how amazed I was when I saw how many replies i got here..Ive posted on boards before, but got very few replies.anyway, have had a busy weekend and only back now.
He rang. He's been busy and wants to meet again next week.
Not sure that I believe him....that whole 'been busy' thing...no one is so busy that they cant send a text! Perhaps its coz I feel 'cheap' that i even wrote this post..and it not that i wonder what he thinks of me? its really about how i feel about myself...

I agree with you. Nobody is so busy they can't send a text. He blatantly isn't into you, whatever the reason. Sounds like he's hoping to keep seeing you as a f*ckbuddy while he sees other girls, or waits for someone he's really into. A guy who was interested would not wait a week to text. I'd forget about him.

Sir Ophiuchus · 14-03-2010 10:27PM

[quote=[Deleted User];64911036]I agree with you. Nobody is so busy they can't send a text. He blatantly isn't into you, whatever the reason. Sounds like he's hoping to keep seeing you as a f*ckbuddy while he sees other girls, or waits for someone he's really into. A guy who was interested would not wait a week to text. I'd forget about him.[/QUOTE]

Oh, come on OP! You've already said you're insecure. Give this guy the benefit of the doubt!! If he turns out to just want sex you'll know pretty fast, won't you? Using your "cheap" feelings to shoot down any chance you might have of getting on with him is a really bad idea.

Entertain the fact that maybe, just maybe, he's telling the truth. Give him a chance. And, for the record, I don't believe sleeping together after a first date is a bad thing at all.

stephen_n · 14-03-2010 10:49PM

Unregistered wrote: »

OP Here
Firstly, can I just say how amazed I was when I saw how many replies i got here..Ive posted on boards before, but got very few replies.anyway, have had a busy weekend and only back now.
He rang. He's been busy and wants to meet again next week.
Not sure that I believe him....that whole 'been busy' thing...no one is so busy that they cant send a text! Perhaps its coz I feel 'cheap' that i even wrote this post..and it not that i wonder what he thinks of me? its really about how i feel about myself...

I think that really is the part you might need to focus on if you want a relationship to work with someone else you will need to work on your relationship with yourself. I think in the end that would have far more effect than if you slept together on the first night, He may not be able to see what your thinking but you will project that lack of self esteem and he will pick up on it implicitly!

As for snap judgements about him not calling you or texting you, well maybe go on another date with him and see how it goes, maybe a day time one though so it doesn't end in sex this time and more importantly doesn't involve drink!

14-03-2010 11:25PM

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

Oh, come on OP! You've already said you're insecure. Give this guy the benefit of the doubt!! If he turns out to just want sex you'll know pretty fast, won't you? Using your "cheap" feelings to shoot down any chance you might have of getting on with him is a really bad idea.

Entertain the fact that maybe, just maybe, he's telling the truth. Give him a chance. And, for the record, I don't believe sleeping together after a first date is a bad thing at all.

What reason could he possibly have for being 'too busy' to text for a whole week? I've had some truly awful weeks in the last year or so where literally my life was falling apart and I still found time to text friends. I guess it's possible something terrible happened, and he genuinely was preoccupied but it doesn't really sound like that. I would imagine that someone would apologise, or explain a little bit which he doesn't seem to have done. It takes all of 30 seconds to send a text. If someone was 'too busy' to devote 30 seconds of their life to me, I'd have very little interest in any sort of relationship.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2010 11:28PM

OP here
Turns out he was genuinely very busy.
But also turns out im more insecure than i thought i ever was....dont believe a word of it...had to work late one nite, had a funeral another evening...mothers birthday the next evening...there was an excuse for every night.
Anyway...
I know my self esteem is low..but that doesnt detract from the fact that he has been lying about (at least) 3 evenings that hes been busy....my guess is Im his 'last chance saloon' although he maintains that he'd like to see me again...
So next question..do i trust him or pay for a course to build up my self esteem to tell him to bugger off?

Bottle_of_Smoke · 14-03-2010 11:38PM

[quote=[Deleted User];64911036]I agree with you. Nobody is so busy they can't send a text. He blatantly isn't into you, whatever the reason. Sounds like he's hoping to keep seeing you as a f*ckbuddy while he sees other girls, or waits for someone he's really into. A guy who was interested would not wait a week to text. I'd forget about him.[/QUOTE]

Unless he was so interested that he didn't want to appear overly keen to the girl who gave him the cold shoulder the next morning. And that's just one example

You really can't make such a concrete statement about two people you've never met before.

15-03-2010 12:05AM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Unless he was so interested that he didn't want to appear overly keen to the girl who gave him the cold shoulder the next morning. And that's just one example

You really can't make such a concrete statement about two people you've never met before.

So he waited a week? I'm not an immature game player myself so I don't really know how these things work, just that if a guy slept with me and didn't bother texting for a week, I'd definitely take that as 'not interested'. It's pure bad manners if nothing else.

OP, it's your choice. None of the reasons you gave for his being busy would have prevented him from taking 30 seconds to text you. Working late? Mother's birthday? Come on. Everyone has those things. I personally find it really irritating when people use 'I was busy' as an excuse. We're all busy. People who use that usually feel like their life is more important than yours. In my experience, any guy who was interested has made it very obvious, but then I am not attracted to game players and that alone (not texting for a week to make a point, or whatever) would put me off.

You don't need to pay for a course for your self esteem. If you think he's been lying about what he was up to, just tell him no thanks, you don't want to see him again.

Aurora Borealis · 15-03-2010 12:22AM

Think I'd tentatively hedge my bets and give it a chance. Maybe he just had one of those weeks. If it bothers you again so soon into things it may be that you're on different pages in terms of what you're looking for.

AnonoBoy · 15-03-2010 12:49AM

No it isn't.

I've been in several relationships with women I slept with on the first date. One was long-term.

So it depends. I think some people use the 'oh I shouldn't have slept with him/her on the first date' as a reason but in reality the guy/girl just might not have been that interested even if you hadn't slept with them.

The thing is - if a girl/guy really gets you going, would sleeping with you on a first date really put you off? After all, you slept with them on a first date too, so why should it reflect badly on the other party?

LegacyUser · 15-03-2010 01:29AM

I wouldn't write him off just yet OP unless you specifically know it wasn't his mother's birthday/there was no funeral/he definitely did not work late.

I know at the start of a relationship (assuming it is the start of one) it's very easy to over analyse things but he might genuinely have been busy or maybe he was just taking time to think things over. Either way I would give him another chance and just take things more slowly this time. That probably does mean taking it easy on the drink so you are more in control and at least if there are no more dates you won't have two nights of regrets.

Regarding the sleeping together on the first night thing, it's not necessarily a bad thing, I went home with a guy the first night we were together (knew each other for a year first) and now we're married so there is hope! Just make sure that if you do meet up again that it is a date and not just a late night booty call. If that's all you are to him then trust me there is better out there.

stephen_n · 15-03-2010 09:39AM

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here
Turns out he was genuinely very busy.
But also turns out im more insecure than i thought i ever was....dont believe a word of it...had to work late one nite, had a funeral another evening...mothers birthday the next evening...there was an excuse for every night.
Anyway...
I know my self esteem is low..but that doesnt detract from the fact that he has been lying about (at least) 3 evenings that hes been busy....my guess is Im his 'last chance saloon' although he maintains that he'd like to see me again...
So next question..do i trust him or pay for a course to build up my self esteem to tell him to bugger off?

How do you know that he was lying on these occasions, you didn't seem to explain in your post?

Some people don't feel the need to text a lot it may be just the way he is, it's never a good idea to judge others by what you would do yourself, unless of course you want to date yourself, which would probably be a very bad relationship!

As for getting counseling or help with your self esteem why can't you do that along side dating him, why does it have to be either or?

Lux23 · 15-03-2010 02:13PM

asdsadsad wrote: »

You are abusing someone because they judge woman who sleep with them on the first night. Not understanding another persons opinion and just writing it off because it doesn't match your is called ignorance.

I personally would never go out with a woman who slept with me on the first night I met her. I'd sleep with a different woman each week, if I really liked them I wouldn't sleep with them but get their number and arrange a date.

Ha ha. What a backward attitude, its ok for you to sleep with who you want but a woman can't.

Op - I would give him a chance, go for a date with no alcohol involved and see how you get on. Don't be afraid to tell how you have been feeling and see what he thinks, it may be a good idea to slow the physical side down a bit if you are feeling so low about it.

Sex on a first date - is it ALWAYS the end?

Comments