Time to escape

Birdsong1982 · 24-02-2010 10:55AM #1

m

omahaid · 24-02-2010 11:12AM

I can't give any advice on which countries to visit but I will say that no job is worth ill health, no job whatsoever, no matter how much they pay or how much you owe.

Good for you OP on deciding to escape and enjoy life a bit.

Angus Og · 24-02-2010 11:25AM

Moldova. Very cheap. A hotel for €6 a night. I know a person who survived there for five weeks on €500.

cafecolour · 24-02-2010 11:40AM

I'm a bit confused to be honest - are you going on vacation or are you just want to up leave the country for as long as possible (ie essentially quitting your job and living somewhere else for as long as possible). Are you going to tell your partner all this or are you trying to escape from him as well?

The_Conductor · 24-02-2010 11:46AM

Angus Og wrote: »

Moldova. Very cheap. A hotel for €6 a night. I know a person who survived there for five weeks on €500.

Having visited Moldova- there is a reason its cheap- there are no personal freedoms, foreigners are universally distrusted- to the extent that the local cops often discretely (or not so discretely) escort you around (and if you're seen talking to particular locals- they are liable to hauled off for questioning......

Its an ex- soviet state that never dismantled its security structures, with a liberal dash of paranoia to boot- and they treat their own citizens appallingly.

OP- there is a difference between escaping and running away.
Obviously your current job is not for you. Its highly probable that your current partner also is not for you. Running away is not going to stop you from potentially putting yourself in similar situations elsewhere- you need to bite the bullet and deal with both your work and home life.

Personally if its very obvious you can't talk to your partner- I'd leave him. A relationship is based on communication- not on being dictated to by an encyclopaedic know-it-all who wants to prescribe a self help manual to you. You have to recognise though that a fundamental difference between guys and girls is- girls like to relax and discuss whats bothering them- whereas guys don't see it as a discussion- more a list of problems that need solving. Thats the difference between a friendly ear, and a partner who just doesn't know when to shut up.

Vis-a-vis work- it really does sound like a nightmare. Its a totally different matter from your home life- but one has spilled over into the other.

If you're already asking questions about what country to run away to- you know you have to quit work. It will help with social welfare entitlements (aka you don't have to wait) if you state clearly your reasons for leaving- going into more detail than here- but it sounds like you may possibly have a case for constructive dismissal (you need to get proper advice on this).

Well done on saving up a 6k nestegg- hopefully it will help you start afresh, whatever it is you decide to do- but think long and hard about simply running away to another country just to escape here- there is no guarantee you will find yourself in a more palatable situation elsewhere.

LegacyUser · 24-02-2010 11:46AM

I've been in your shoes...

I had about 6k - I left a stressful job to go travelling..... I had a ball.

But, are you running away from the issues?

Firstly, my job was stressful mainly because I never had a handle on it and avoided really sitting down and being responsible. Granted, I didn't particularly like doing it (never suited me) but looking back, it was avoidance. Had I known that back then and faced it, did it well and then left on a high note, i'd have been happier in myself.

Secondly, I travelled - I had a blast. I also discovered a few things about me - good and bad. I made some friends (travel friends come and go) and I don't regret it.

Thirdly, men and women's brains work differently. Your man hears "I have a problem" and he thinks "I will find a solution for her". Men are fixers. From what I've gathered throughout many relationships is that women just want to be heard and empathised with rather than be given a list of things to do.

HAving said that, his points are good and it sounds like his heart is in the right place. Maybe if you did open up to him and let him in, you'd feel supported. You call him "Mr. Success" so he sounds successful.... successful people usually have a good map of where they want to go/what they want out of life. They have good coping mechanisms to deal with stress and obstacles.

There are some good books to read out there - there's also a lot of dross.

Maybe use 2k of your money to head somewhere and

If you need to go and live somewhere cheap then head to India - I stayed there for a couple of years on and off.

But as you say, you want to escape.... you're running away. It'd be better to be work it out and leave on a high than thinking "I couldn't handle it".

Have you spoken to your boss about this?

Birdsong1982 · 24-02-2010 11:50AM

I don't really want to escape my partner, he is doing what he thinks will help but he really has no understanding of what I am going through. He's not having any problems in his own life and hasn't had any similar experience at any stage which means we are poles apart in terms of what is going on in our lives. This has led to friction and his attempts to help which aren't practiceable. I don't have any contingency for what will happen when I come back. I'm in panic mode.

Angus Og · 24-02-2010 11:56AM

smccarrick wrote: »

Having visited Moldova- there is a reason its cheap- there are no personal freedoms, foreigners are universally distrusted- to the extent that the local cops often discretely (or not so discretely) escort you around (and if you're seen talking to particular locals- they are liable to hauled off for questioning......

Its an ex- soviet state that never dismantled its security structures, with a liberal dash of paranoia to boot- and they treat their own citizens appallingly.

OP- there is a difference between escaping and running away.
Obviously your current job is not for you. Its highly probable that your current partner also is not for you. Running away is not going to stop you from potentially putting yourself in similar situations elsewhere- you need to bite the bullet and deal with both your work and home life.

Personally if its very obvious you can't talk to your partner- I'd leave him. A relationship is based on communication- not on being dictated to by an encyclopaedic know-it-all who wants to prescribe a self help manual to you. You have to recognise though that a fundamental difference between guys and girls is- girls like to relax and discuss whats bothering them- whereas guys don't see it as a discussion- more a list of problems that need solving. Thats the difference between a friendly ear, and a partner who just doesn't know when to shut up.

Vis-a-vis work- it really does sound like a nightmare. Its a totally different matter from your home life- but one has spilled over into the other.

If you're already asking questions about what country to run away to- you know you have to quit work. It will help with social welfare entitlements (aka you don't have to wait) if you state clearly your reasons for leaving- going into more detail than here- but it sounds like you may possibly have a case for constructive dismissal (you need to get proper advice on this).

Well done on saving up a 6k nestegg- hopefully it will help you start afresh, whatever it is you decide to do- but think long and hard about simply running away to another country just to escape here- there is no guarantee you will find yourself in a more palatable situation elsewhere.

Well, my brother works over there and he doesn't find it so bad. There are a lot of people who don't recognise the government. Just like our country.

The_Conductor · 24-02-2010 11:56AM

Birdsong1982 wrote: »

I don't really want to escape my partner, he is doing what he thinks will help but he really has no understanding of what I am going through. He's not having any problems in his own life and hasn't had any similar experience at any stage which means we are poles apart in terms of what is going on in our lives. This has led to friction and his attempts to help which aren't practiceable. I don't have any contingency for what will happen when I come back. I'm in panic mode.

You need to recognise that its your job that is wrecking your home life then. Life isn't long enough to be treated like that in work..... You need to remove yourself from that situation- and I would seriously explore the possibility of using constructive dismissal as the mechanism by which to do it.

Your partner has no ill intentions- as you know yourself, he simply has no comprehension of the situation- and his attempts to be 'helpful' are just more nagging than anything else. I really don't think that running away is the answer though.

Perhaps this might be an opportunity to reinvent yourself?

The_Conductor · 24-02-2010 12:11PM

Angus Og wrote: »

Well, my brother works over there and he doesn't find it so bad. There are a lot of people who don't recognise the government. Just like our country.

Please note this is off-topic:

I take it thats the Russian separtist enclave that you're talking about? You do know they have captured a major army base, and are currently in the process of trying to get Moscow to base Iskander missiles there, as a counter to the request the official Moldovan government have made to the US- to be part of the proposed US missile shield? The Roumanians have simply moved their borders with Russia a little further east (its all Roumanians who run the Moldovan government after all), and started up a whole new cold war scenario, within their own borders. At least they've gotten a few decent new paved roads out it, compliments of European redevelopement funds.

Birdsong1982 · 24-02-2010 12:12PM

Agree that it is not my partners fault and that some of the negativity is probably resentment. It's hard when one person is doing really well in life and has nothing but open doors...and the other person is trailing behind and feeling lost. And I can't tell you how many books I've read on how to get the best out of life...I guess none of it resonated or seemed relative to my life. Can someone write a book called 'What To Do When It All Goes Pearshaped'.

The_Conductor · 24-02-2010 12:16PM

Birdsong1982 wrote: »

Agree that it is not my partners fault and that some of the negativity is probably resentment. It's hard when one person is doing really well in life and has nothing but open doors...and the other person is trailing behind and feeling lost. And I can't tell you how many books I've read on how to get the best out of life...I guess none of it resonated or seemed relative to my life. Can someone write a book called 'What To Do When It All Goes Pearshaped'.

You are not going to find an answer to everything throws at you in a book. Many things are part of your personal journey through life- and even drastic steps- like tossing in your job- can in retrospect be little stepping stones towards getting to a point of happiness that you may not even imagine at this point in time.

Sometimes you know deep down inside what you have to do- its just that it takes a lot of courage to take that step into the unknown.

Best wishes- no matter what you decide to do.

Birdsong1982 · 24-02-2010 12:21PM

Thanks smmcarrick. Yeah the books can only bring you so far. You can only really take action when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

cafecolour · 24-02-2010 01:31PM

Why don't you just quit your job and then stay in Ireland with your partner for the time being while you figure out your next steps with a clearer head? Maybe take a shorter vacation while you're at it.

Up and heading somewhere else for a long time can be lovely and all, but I'd really only recommend it if you have the 'call of the open road' so to speak - not as an escape route. Especially if the job is the only thing you're escaping.

Basically what else do you want to 'escape' besides the job? Are there kids and a mortgage and all that?

Birdsong1982 · 24-02-2010 01:44PM

cafecolour wrote: »

Why don't you just quit your job and then stay in Ireland with your partner for the time being while you figure out your next steps with a clearer head? Maybe take a shorter vacation while you're at it.

Up and heading somewhere else for a long time can be lovely and all, but I'd really only recommend it if you have the 'call of the open road' so to speak - not as an escape route. Especially if the job is the only thing you're escaping.

Basically what else do you want to 'escape' besides the job? Are there kids and a mortgage and all that?

I just feel that if I quit my job and stayed at home I'd have to leap back into the job hunt and I'm so drained and burnt out that it might push me over the edge. I don't have a mortgage or kids. Don't feel my funds will get me through a long stretch with the cost of living as it is. When I say escape I mean getting away from it all, a proper break to give my head some peace.

LegacyUser · 25-02-2010 11:32AM

Birdsong1982 wrote: »

It's hard when one person is doing really well in life and has nothing but open doors....

I was thinking about you when I woke up this morning and this might be one thing worth noting..... ask your partner what difficulties he faces on a day to day or week to week basis..... or what are his coping mechanisms.

It might be that he is under stress and pressure but just handles them in a more efficient/less stressful way.

I am speaking from experience as I have a fairly stress free life but when something comes up work wise, it hits me for six. I want to just stay in bed and avoid it while Iknow that someone with a different way of thinking would face it head on.

coming back without a plan is never that good an idea ( I did that too). You;ll be in the same boat as before but with a nice tan and less money.

And some tips from some of those books helped me and still do and having read your post yesterday, I decided, "****, I should really get back into X and Y as when I do that stuff I read about, I feel more positive and confident and it improves my ability to cope with stuff when it goes bad".

MAybe the work you do just isn't for you. Certainly the work I did wasn't for me - dealing with large sums of money and making a tiny mistake could have cost thousands. People to the left and right of me did it without the major stress I had.

Birdsong1982 · 25-02-2010 01:27PM

bleuubbbo wrote: »

I was thinking about you when I woke up this morning and this might be one thing worth noting..... ask your partner what difficulties he faces on a day to day or week to week basis..... or what are his coping mechanisms.

It might be that he is under stress and pressure but just handles them in a more efficient/less stressful way.

I am speaking from experience as I have a fairly stress free life but when something comes up work wise, it hits me for six. I want to just stay in bed and avoid it while Iknow that someone with a different way of thinking would face it head on.

coming back without a plan is never that good an idea ( I did that too). You;ll be in the same boat as before but with a nice tan and less money.

And some tips from some of those books helped me and still do and having read your post yesterday, I decided, "****, I should really get back into X and Y as when I do that stuff I read about, I feel more positive and confident and it improves my ability to cope with stuff when it goes bad".

MAybe the work you do just isn't for you. Certainly the work I did wasn't for me - dealing with large sums of money and making a tiny mistake could have cost thousands. People to the left and right of me did it without the major stress I had.

This is an incredibly helpful post. Really don't feel that my partner has much if any stress and that's not me being harsh. We also have totally different kinds of jobs - he leaves it all behind in the evening (job done, let's see what tomorrow brings) whereas the stressful issues with my work last for weeks on end and I dread each coming day. The hours have been quite long too and I resent that it has eaten into my evenings and on occasion weekends - when I should be enjoying my free time.

LegacyUser · 25-02-2010 03:50PM

Birdsong1982 wrote: »

This is an incredibly helpful post. Really don't feel that my partner has much if any stress and that's not me being harsh. We also have totally different kinds of jobs - he leaves it all behind in the evening (job done, let's see what tomorrow brings) whereas the stressful issues with my work last for weeks on end and I dread each coming day. The hours have been quite long too and I resent that it has eaten into my evenings and on occasion weekends - when I should be enjoying my free time.

Yep, that sounds like the way I was. Sunday nights were a nightmare and Friday evenings were such a relief..... I could never enjoy my nights out or trips to the cinema as it was at the back of my mind.

And it affected me physically - the tension in my stomach.

But, looking back , I figure that it was mainly the job but also my lack of action (which was sometimes caused by the fear I was going through).

If I was to do it again, I'd probably have used some of my money to go to a career guidance person to find out what type of work would have suited me better, I'd also have maybe gone to talk to a behavioural psychologist and maybe used it to study something I'd have been better at - where I was confident at it.

But also remember this, the job is just a job and you can be guaranteed that the big boss isn;t having sleepless nights or stressing out like you (and you're making money for him/her).

So try to have the attitude of "I'll do my best but I'm not going to let it get to me personally because I am separate from it".....

There is only one book I'd recommend to you: "The Feeling Good HAndbook" and it's used by behavioural psychologists. It's practical and helpful and isn't about you feeling happy all the time.

Remember, you always return to you, wherever you escape to.

LegacyUser · 25-02-2010 05:07PM

Remember that there are many things going on in your life, your job is only one of them.

A good tip (that's the guy in me coming out) is to ask yourself in the mornings a few questions.... . what am I happy about, what am I grateful for, what am I excited about/looking forward to, what am I committed to, what am I proud of and who loves me/who do I love.

When you break your life up into different components like friends, family, living arrangements, hobbies, interests, health and job, you see that it's only one part of your life whereas at the moment it might seem all consuming.

Birdsong1982 · 10-03-2010 07:05PM

Hey there, just checking in with all of you again to say that I have found a new job - I'm really pleased and feel like I'm really making a new start in a much better environment. I felt it was worth coming back to tell everyone how I fared out. I especially want to thank bleeuubbo for the kind words and motivation - it really made a massive difference. Thanks to all of you for your support. Can't tell you how much it helped.

Time to escape

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